Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

[BlueThistles]

@lordofthemings

I do feel like saying 'do one!' But that would make things worse.

exactly how much worse could this get...

they bully your Mother and you're now considering sending them money as what ? a REWARD for being entitled scum ?

keep your hard earned money and talk about your finances to NOBODY .. not even your Mother


🌺

[Sillysandy]

Wow op, a huge congrats on your achievements especially as you had such a terrible example set for all of your life.

The utter cheek of these people. Why would you be expected to give your cousin's children money or pay off loans for your aunties and uncles? It's their fault they've got loans - they're entitled and lazy.

I would respond directly. "I've no spare money. All my wages have gone on paying the mortgages. I haven't won anything." No apologies, no further explanation, no admonishment.

[Teddy1970]

You don't owe them an explanation at all and I wouldn't be offering one either, your financial affairs are sod all to do with them, who the hell do they think they are? And don't send them any money, Christ, they'll expect it all the time then.

[IheartJKR]

Oh op. I’m so sorry for you.
Sadly I think it’s jealousy and the made up lottery win is just an excuse they’ve made up to give themselves permission to treat you badly with a clear conscience.
They won’t listen to an email and nothing you give them will ever be enough because really, they’ll only ever be happy if you’ve got fuck all.

[waxed]

I'm similarly guarded about finances, but I honestly think that after their rudeness and hostility I would absolutely be taking great smugness in telling them exactly what my job was and how much I earned.

[MrsGulDukat]

Send them all a quid each taped to a bit of paper. "A share from my mythical lottery win."

[MaveMay1]

I would step back from them all. Your not under any obligations you sound like you have done more than enough. How ungrateful.

[SanFranBear]

Just to echo some pp's - huge well done for all you've achieved! Really - that's to be celebrated!

I think it's also so generous of you to buy your parents a house and can't believe you're being treated so poorly because of your success (which you only have through sheer hard graft and determination)

You dont mention you Dad so presume this is your Mum's family? Shes obviously proud of you but she needs to stop sharing..

To your current situation - I dont know what you can do other than try and ride it out, which I know is hard as its your Mum getting the brunt. But not sure theres mich else you can do?

[Robbybobtail]

Bloody hell - I can’t understand posts about families like this. Dh and I are much, much wealthier than any other members of our family and they would never ever even mention or refer to it apart from complimenting us on our lovely home or whatever. If fact I’ve offered my sibling money when she’s been struggling and she wouldn’t take it - it’s called having a bit of pride! They sound like absolute CF’s who have no shame!

[Incrediblytired]

This is bonkers.
I really feel for you. You’ve done so well.
Don’t send them money whatever you do, it’ll never be enough and you need it to pay off two mortgages

[sbhydrogen]

Can you threaten to sell their house? 😆

Jeez, that's rough. Just tell the truth: you've not had a lottery win, you've worked hard to get yourself a good job ,and are up to your eyeballs in mortgages so you've not got any spare cash.

Must be hard though, that's for sure.

[Beautiful3]

Nothing you do or say will improve the situation. Sending their children money will not be gratefully received. They will expect more, e.g. "she only gave children £5,000 each, she could have given more" Entitled people are never satisfied and expect the world. I would now focus on saving up a nest egg, for when you transition into a lower paid job. Look after yourself, because no one will.

[sleepyhead1980]

Wow! Even if you did win the lottery you wouldn't need to give them a penny. It's amazing how people feel entitled to other people's money. You have worked hard you keep your money!

[riceuten]

Incredible. If any of my relatives won anything, I wouldn't've expected them to give me any money (even when I was brassic). That's their choice, surely?

It always reminds me of the clowns who write to lottery winners begging for money. I mean, seriously ? You write to complete strangers asking them to give you 00s or 000s of pounds ?

[Reinventinganna]

Tell them that you spent all of your lottery win on hard drugs and hot men so had to get a really well paid job to pay off debts and buy the houses etc.

Alternatively offer career advice.

[MichelleScarn]

@GordonsAliveAndEatsPies

Like a PP I really hope your mums house is in your name otherwise you could find that suddenly they have used the equity for something stupid and the house is gone.

Anyway, I know this feeling. My DH’s family can be like this. There is something we are doing and there have been masses of implications around how one of his siblings could benefit from something like that too. It’s infuriating and it’s hard to ignore when the chatter is always so I can totally see why you don’t quite know what to do.

I personally head it straight on (as much as I can cos mine do more if the poor little me, I am so broke thing more than the direct ask - persistence you see) and I certainly would in your case.

This ‘auntie’ and ‘uncle’ for cousins kids is infuriating as well. Its to give the impression of close ‘family’ - and now it helps give the impression you should feel more inclined to treat them in a way that’s closer than you otherwise would. Too late to change them using these phrases I guess (when did they start?) but I would certainly start signing any cards to them with just your name and leave the ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’ bit out.

Also hoping the house is in your name, is there a risk if its not that she could be persuaded to take out equity to 'share the wealth' with family?

[AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour]

@Beldon

Even if you did win the lottery then that bunch of money grabbing idiots wouldn’t deserve any. They are the type to be first at a deceased relatives house to pay respects and ‘take something to remember them by’ like a 50” tv.

That is why DH and I have decided that if we did win on the lottery (we like to play) or came into money another way, we would say we won 10% of what we actually did. If DH won, say, £10K, his mother would totally expect him to give some to his older sister.

When DH's gran was dying the whole family gathered round her hospital bed while she was nearing the end and unconscious. They actually argued over who was getting the washer and dryer and one cousin was saying how her gran always wanted her to have XX piece of jewellery and xx expensive item (no one else knew of this as she was basically NC) MIL was left to foot the funeral costs while 2 of her 4 brothers cleared the house and the eldest had already drained the bank account.

So now, if we were to win a million, they'll be told it's £100K and it would explain the new house and car and nothing left to give away. 🤷‍♀️

[littlepattilou]

@lordofthemings YANBU.

Similar to this, I suddenly came into some money in 2006 (£15,000,) and bits of my extended family got wind of it. Although they hadn't spoken to me any more than half a dozen times in 12-13 years, and hadn't sent me a Christmas card or birthday card in the same amount of time, (and hadn't actually even SEEN me for 2-3 years;) they thought it acceptable to ask me for money.

I suddenly became their new BFF, and was besieged by a raft of phone calls over the space of a week from 5 of them. Literally ASKING for some money... Not hinting, actually asking.

First thing they said was 'heyyyy patti, how are you? Haven't spoke for ages.' Then they chatted about the weather, and what they'd been doing that day, then within 2-3 minutes, the 'money request' came in.

Auntie Maureen wanted £400 to put her car through her MOT, cousin Sharon's DH wanted £250 for a vet bill, Auntie Brenda's husband wanted £390 for his mother to buy a new cooker, (as hers had packed up apparently,) and cousins Linda and Sue, just rang, made banal conversation for 5 minutes and then said 'well what about this money you won then? Gonna give us some then?!'

Suffice to say, I gave fuck-all to any of them, despite their protestations to my mother about how 'selfish' I was. Even my mother had a bit of a whinge at me, about how it 'wouldn't hurt' to give them a bit.

I needed (and wanted) it myself, for my own family. One of the first things I did was pay off mine and DH's credit cards (£1300 in total,) and pay the last 6 months of the year's council tax off. (£600.) I also finished off a £5,000 loan me and DH had (£2000 was left.) Then I booked me, DH, and DD a trip to Italy, which cost about £2,000.

After the refusal to give them money, all 5 of these extended family didn't speak to me for about 2 years. No love lost, as they barely spoke before anyway.

I bought my parents, and brother, (and SIL and niece and nephew,) some treats, and also DH's parents, (and his brother, SIL, and niece.) And also my 3 closest friends. (Probably spent £750 on the 14-15 of them in total.) Put the rest (around £8,000) into the savings account.

No time for grabby fuckers, and as I said, these extended family members had had very little to do with me for about 10 to 15 years anyway.

[GabsAlot]

sorry to be rude they sound a bit thick

they dont reaslie people can earn 6 figure salaries-which part of the uk are you in maybe its rarer in some places but they just sound stupid

you only bought cheap houses so noone would find out-thats ridiculous

[Redwinestillfine]

Absolutely ignore. If they bring it up directly tell them you're offended that they assume the only way you can make money is winning the lottery.

[Oblahdeeoblahdoe]

It's a bit like when I heard my nephew (in his 20s) thought we should pay for his and his siblings' holidays because we earned 'good' money. No mention of the fact his family have hardly ever worked, sat around all day taking the piss out of the rest of us

[2021optimist]

@Beautiful3

Nothing you do or say will improve the situation. Sending their children money will not be gratefully received. They will expect more, e.g. "she only gave children £5,000 each, she could have given more" Entitled people are never satisfied and expect the world. I would now focus on saving up a nest egg, for when you transition into a lower paid job. Look after yourself, because no one will.

This, absolutely this.

[GabsAlot]

good for you littlepattie its not a life changing amount if yu gave everone youd have nothing left

[Sadza]

I find it odd that you’re able to sustain a pressurised job and earn well but can’t deal with these silly idiots? Should be a no brainer. You don’t owe it to them to discuss money, it’s personal. Shut it down and move on. Stop the guilt and enjoy.

[axile234]

Did I ever mention were related . NAH just kidding . Not your problem . You flogged your guts out for what you have earned why should free loaders hold there hand out to .Tell um to sod off and earn it