Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

[lordofthemings]

Thanks for the feedback.

To give a bit more information, I did tell them that I had worked long hours and saved up, and they know I am always in work, but I genuinely don't think they are aware it's possible to earn six figures unless you're a celebrity or a CEO. One of my uncles recently got a promotion to £35,000 and it was a huge deal - which of course it is, it was a massive step up, but his wife rang round all her friends to tell them how much and what they were planning to do with it (go on holiday and not pay off any off their debts or their child's uni fees oddly enough).

So when I say 'i saved up' I don't think they they it's possible that I did, and unless I tell them my salary, which I also don't want to do for obvious reasons, they'll continue to think I got the money elsewhere!

[RandomMess]

Just make it known that you have large debts for the houses and cars...

[lordofthemings]

My DM did make the 'why would she have bought us a small terraced house if she won the lottery' comment, but the response was along the lines of 'so nobody knows how much money she has'.

[huuuuunnnndderrricks]

Just tell them you have earnt it and to stop being so grabby .. I hate this whole part of our society that think they are entitled to other peoples money even if you had won it , it's yours ffs!!

[BabyYodaYada]

Well if they're not speaking to you, that makes it much easier, doesn't it.

Reading between the lines here, it sounds like your mum is a piece of work. She's probably stirring the situation up more than it need.

[SeasTheDay]

I can sympathise strangely.
We inherited after losing my DM. Not life changing money but enough for some home improvements/extension and to pay off some debt. DH told his side in conversation but says he never told them how much so I’m sure they think it’s more. They all rent their homes whereas we’ve got a mortgage... and now DH’s brothers landlord might be selling up and the hints are coming for us to buy the house for him!!!! Unbelievable and what a CF!
You have a CF problem here OP. Next time they mention it I’d be inclined to tell them it’s because you work all the hours you do that you earn a decent wage and they could try it if they want money.

[AcornAutumn]

You really need to drift away from some of your family. Yes, people get offended - I have done it - but that's it really.

[GameSetMatch]

Why would you want to be around people like that anyway? Get on with your life, your hard work is paying off don’t let them destroy your inner peace. Please don’t give them any money, it’s yours that you worked hard for.

[Templetree]

@BabyYodaYada

Well if they're not speaking to you, that makes it much easier, doesn't it.

Reading between the lines here, it sounds like your mum is a piece of work. She's probably stirring the situation up more than it need.

Yes I think your dm is the issue here.
Stop telling her everything about your finances/ life if you know she is going to tell others.

[MindGrapes]

Simple solution.
Tell them you made a fortune selling wax melts on Facebook with a MLM. Then offer them the opportunity to do the same and hook them up with a random mlm seller who will harass them forever.

[HearMeSnore]

All you can do is hold your head up and do what you've always done. You work hard for a living and are sensible with money so that you won't ever have to struggle like your parents did. There is nothing wrong with that. Your relatives seem to struggle with the idea that some people can actually do that, but it's not your problem.
Don't give them money to try and keep the peace, because then you'll just strengthen their suspicions that you are sitting on a fortune. And even if you were, they aren't entitled to your money - how you got it is none of their business!

[Lurcherloves]

It’s emotional / financial abuse? Terrible attitude they should take responsibility for themselves like you did. Also I know you earn a lot but it’s not a magic money pot and as you say is for yours are your immediate family’s financial security

[AcrossthePond55]

You've told them you didn't win the lottery, they choose not to believe you. There's really nothing more to be said to them since you'll never convince them otherwise. I'd just refuse to discuss anything about money or finances with them again.

Frankly it doesn't sound as if they're that much of a loss to you anyway. They'll never be happy until you start giving them money, and you'll never be happy if you do as they'll never stop expecting more.

[RandomMess]

I love MindGrapes idea 😂😂😂😂

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

Is there a cultural thing here you aren't saying about helping very extended family out financially? My siblings would never ask to borrow money from me, let alone cousins kids etc, but I had a friend from an Asian culture who paid for her brother at university and various other things to extended family, and considered it normal for her culture....

[QueenOfLabradors]

If you did tell any of them roughly what your salary is, you'd still have them expecting you to sub them out. But the upside might be that the younger generation might realise that if Cousin @lordofthemings can do it, so can they.

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

Eg in some cultures you simply tell people exactly what you earn and it is not considered grabby for family to expect financial assistance

[JackiesCrimbleCrumble]

To be on a 6-figure salary you must be a smart, strong and assertive woman.
Put on your work hat and put them in their bloody place! You are not a bank.
How dare they speak to you in that way and demand you give them some money.
Well done you for your achievements.

[PicaK]

It's all just so sad. I don't think you can win. Hugs

[AutoIncorrect]

You deal with it by accepting that your family are greedy grabby twats and they’ve done you a favour showing their true colours. Why would you want anything to do with people who seek to do nothing but use you for financial gain?

[5amcrew]

Even if you have had a lottery win, how do they know it’s not a couple hundred grand (or just enough to look after immediate family) and not millions upon millions? They are just being cheeky and nosey. I would ignore them. Could you ask your mother not to discuss your finances with them again?

[diddl]

What a strange family you have!

Surely your mother is the common denominator here?

[MzHz]

@NovemberR

If they have stopped calling there is no need to do anything.

If they call and say you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/ then my answer would be I'm living in a terraced house, you stupid fucker. Why would you assume I'd won the lottery - and why would you assume your DC are owed any of my hard worked for money?

But then, I'm noted for my tact.

Me neither

100% agreed with this

[DigitalChristmas]

Is just say if I’d won the lottery I wouldn’t still be busting a gut doing long hours at work.