Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

You tell your mum with the big mouth to tell everyone there is no lottery win and just hard work and long hours in a stressful temporary job on your part.

Don’t share info about your private income. It’s non of their business.

Alternatively tell your mum you’ve hit financial issues so that she can spread that gossip

My uncle used to say that in our family, if you had money, everyone would assume you either won it or stole it. Sounds similar to yours. I'd be tempted to say to them that if young cousin or whoever wants to share in your luck, they can do what you did and go and fucking work for it!

You don't owe them an explanation. Say nothing at all

Congratulations for being the first one to live a debt free life in your family...you should be proud of yourself.

From your post I get that you have worked hard, choosen a particular lifestyle and made some smart choices with your finances but have not been in communication about these choices and decisions with your family.

Sometimes our contributions don’t have to be financial.

Could you share your journey of becoming debt free with your extended family especially the younger generation and provide hope that they too can reach those heights and live a financially stable life with hard work and the right choices.

Imagine what your entire family would look like in a decade or two if your nieces and nephews were inspired by you.

Op looks like you have the opportunity to get in communication and be a good role model for your family.

There's an old saying, usually attributed to Confucius, that goes something like "Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you've fed him for a lifetime.

Please DO NOT send anyone an email saying how hard you work, what sacrifices you make etc. No one wants to hear that - you will be seen as a rich bitch moaning about your wealth.

Either say nothing and give them nothing.

Or stop telling your mother anything / feed her misinformation / be more clever about hiding your money.

Gosh poor you OP, I really feel for you. Must be so painful to have your family/extended family and especially your Mum who you’ve helped enormously behave like this. I’m not sure I’d advocate Ignoring them, as it doesn’t solve the problem for you, does it. I’d probably be inclined to write to them all individually laying out everything you’ve said including the first half of your post. If you’re clear and utterly transparent (as they don’t sound very bright) and they still behave the same way to you, then that’d be the time to ignore/cut ties. Have you seen Mike Leigh’s ‘Secrets and Lies’? Transparency is all in families imho. Good luck. And well done on working so hard. X

Financial jealousy is a killer. Deal with it straight. Point out there's a mortgage on your parents house and your immediate family is your priority.

@mumda

Financial jealousy is a killer. Deal with it straight. Point out there's a mortgage on your parents house and your immediate family is your priority.

Do not explain. Any explanation will be picked apart - these are inherently unreasonable CFs people.

Providing any explanation sounds defensive. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Don't bother trying to explain. They will find a way to blame you whatever you say.
What stood out to me is that they've always disrespected you and your mum. Your mum is stuck in a toxic dynamic with them, but you "got away" and they don't like it. The posters who don't understand why you can't put them in their place when you can hold down a responsible job, don't understand what a lifetime of being belittled, ignored, insulted and manipulated does to you. You can see it, OP, but your mum has had her boundaries trampled over all her life, all you can do is try and limit the damage, and protect yourself and your income.

Write a letter saying just what you have told us but leave out your salary and other bits you dont want them to know.
Photo copy and send to all your family. Add you think it is unfair to say you are being greedy and if you had won money you wouldnt be working every hour God sends. You have a good job and have helped parents out. If your family think your being tight after that sod em

If you do share, it will never be enough

What a horrible situation this is - it’s a shame your mum told them all so much, as it’s obviously raised some kind of expectation. You need to have a word with her before she starts getting herself into debt again by giving money away out of some misguided sense of obligation. You need to make it clear that you’ve given all you can and that you won’t clear any more debts, or that will put you also into debt. A little lie about you already being in debt to bail them out wouldn’t hurt here, and it might make the rest of the relatives a little more sympathetic and a little less envious

Wtf don't give them money!

Yanbu.

It’s definitely not a lottery ticket because project work is stressful and usually has little job security, I have friends who lost EVERYTHING because IR35 workers didn’t get furloughed when their contracts expired in March 2020. Not entitled to UC either because of rental ‘income’ that didn’t actually give them any money after mortgage payment. No occupational sickness/maternity and other benefits.

Tell your family this:

“I haven’t won the lottery because if I did I’d stop working. I earn decent money because I am doing a high risk job that I can lose at any time, if I had spare money to give you than I would, but I don’t.

The house I bought for my mum is not fucking Buckingham palace and it is my security for the future.”

Jesus christ, they sound like awful people anyway, better off cutting them out of your life anyway, why would you want people like that in your life? Don't give them any money and reward them for their horrible behaviour

I'd write off the aunts and uncles and cousins. Too set in their ways.

Write to their children.

"I understand that the family seem to have mistakenly assumed I've won the lottery and am not sharing my wealth - namely, when they have asked for money for you and your future. I want to reassure you that I absoloutley have not had a windfall. Anything I purchase for me or my parents is out of my salary. I feel extremely fortunate that I am able to directly support my own parents, and am sorry to say that my salary does not stretch to supporting other members of my family. I hope that you appreciate that I will always be here for you, as will my parents. I'm sorry to hear that your parents have also decided to shun mine, and hope that, on reflection, they can appreciate what I have set out to you above"

Ignore and tell them to mind their own business.

My DM a few years ago inherited a substantial sum from her DUncle - who she was very close to and helped care for when he was dying of cancer. Her DF (DUncle's DBrother) was a bit narked because although he also got a substantial sum in inheritance when his DBro died he was expecting to inherit a seaside cottage too - no one got that - was sold to family friends. Any antiques (there were a lot) - my DM got - not her DF.

I recall all our relatives who knew about this being invited over for Sunday lunch and as there was a will of course they knew who got what but either way it was none of their business who DUncle favoured. Actually a half sister of DM's (my DAunt) had actually been very rude (in a letter written) when she'd been to stay with her DUncle when she was 13 (someone had found out about this), and my DM thinks this upset her DUncle.

Finances outside of direct family have always been no one else's business and that's the way it should be.

Don’t send them emails, letters etc or anything else explaining. Don’t tell them how much you earn.

You’ve already told them you haven’t won the lottery. They chose not to believe you.
Telling them details about your financial status won’t make any difference and will only make them think you’re loaded being on a six figure salary, so they’ll still expect you to be rich enough to give them money. It won’t change their perception of you, just open you up to them being even more grabby and entitled than they already are.

You explained already. Leave it at that.
It may not be nice for your mom, but maybe this will be hard lesson for her to learn to keep schtum about her daughters finances.

Oh and don’t send them any money!!

The 'children of cousins' are literally no-one to me!

I can't believe the cheek of them. Even if I did win the lotto I wouldn't give them a cent, cheeky, greedy fucks!

I totally get how you feel OP. I had similar upbringing and never took out debt or loans as I was always afraid of going back to the difficult times. Over the years DH and I made massive sacrifices for ourselves and DS (not sure all worth it but hindsight is wonderful) We have now paid off mortgage, have nice holidays etc. Members of both families describe us as being lucky! I usually respond by saying I was lucky I worked hard at school and uni and got the qualifications I needed to get a good job with good salary.

The actor Michael Douglas, son of Kirk, had a very successful career. A reporter mentioned this to Kirk Douglas, whose retort is very apt, "Yeah, the harder he works, the luckier he gets!"
You could mention this to your family, but it's probably not worth bothering.....

OP, I appreciate your position. I am a v high earner in a stressful job. I am single with no children, but my siblings have children.

I secured my own future (house, pension, investments), then my parents - debt free, property paid for and a monthly spending amount. They weren’t entirely willing to take it as they do have money, but I wanted to do it and told them it was repaying for everything they had spent/done for me as a child. This is a private arrangement and not known to my siblings. For all I know Mum could be turning around and giving it to my siblings! I’m sure it gets there a bit in gifts etc, I’m ok with that. It is theirs to enjoy and if they enjoy giving it, then fine.

I am now considering other family members. Siblings, and the explanations and expectations too fraught to try and work out. However, I have decided to give lump sums to my 5 nieces and nephews on their 25th and 30th birthdays. I figure at these ages they will have student debt and have (or want to have) property debt, so it will hopefully be used on one of those things, however it will be up to them, they could blow it on a holiday or car. I hope not.

You’ve mentioned caring for your nieces and nephews, and not wanting to lose touch with them. If there aren’t too many, perhaps you could think of doing the same? I realise this could be seen as buying their affection etc, but if you already have this good relationship and it’s just being put on ice now due to their parents kind of preventing access to them, then this could be a gesture to restore it and to establish an independent relationship with them apart from their parents. Depending on the amount you give, it may mean working an extra 6 months in the job before you move to a less-stressful one, which is not unreasonable.

Just a thought.

They understand debt not money.
So tell them your borrowing money , based on your salary.
That you have a large mortgage and refuse to get credit cards.
You can show them how, but it's a very strick budget .
Then keep to this comment.
Brief your mum on this and let her spread the word .