Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

I have a family member who is a self made multi multi millionaire. I have never once asked them for money nor would I ever. Its their money that they have earned and nobody else is entitled to it. I think your family are being very grabby!

@Toomuchtrouble4me

I think this is bollocks. You’d just say no, I’ve got a decent job and have bought mum a crappy cheap little house and one for me too. Together they don’t cost as much as a room in London so clearly you’re not rich. None of this makes sense.

Just popping in to point out that neither house is 'crappy,' ta

@Toomuchtrouble4me

I think this is bollocks. You’d just say no, I’ve got a decent job and have bought mum a crappy cheap little house and one for me too. Together they don’t cost as much as a room in London so clearly you’re not rich. None of this makes sense.

They live in the north west and presumably have spent their lives in "crappy cheap little houses" (or "normal houses", as many would call them), which they rent. Those that are in work earn a fraction of what she does. London house prices are be irrelevant to them. All they can see is that their cousin/niece, who grew up round here same as them, has suddenly bought, bought, not one, but two houses. She is rich compared to them. It's completely outside of their experience.

Honestly, I'd never imagine that someone "like me" would be earning £100k. If they were buying up property like this, I'd think there must be family money somewhere. But in this case, they are her family so they know it's not that. It's not a great leap from there to guess it's a lottery windfall.

even if you did have a lottery win it's your money to do has you please.

I’d be absolutely sick to the back teeth of this. I’d also be very tempted to point out in no uncertain terms what I do for 60 hours a week and provide them with a ballpark average yearly salary for the role and let them work out the rest.
Seriously this would absolutely piss me off and rightly or wrongly would take great pleasure in letting them know that my hard graft and that alone had paid for everything.

If you were male would they discount your hard work and make such lazy assumptions about where your money had come from? These people need challenging and putting in their place, if only for your Mums sake.

I really think this says everything about their hearts and everything about yours. Your heart is generous and their hearts are grabby.

I really hope you do win the lottery in the future just so it can be true (but they don't get anything from you because of their grabby attitude this time around)!

I think this thread is a prime reason, I'd hide any lottery win , as soon as £ is involved then it raises all kinds of situations, with friends relatives ect, my cover story would be an eBay buyer and seller and a bank loan, (for explaining my warehouse)

my conversation would be

"when i win the lottery i will share with you all, but until them as we seem to have shared finances you can all help with my debts"

Your childhood sounds a bit like mine with my parents constantly rowing over money. As a kid I went to school with holes in my shoes and second hand uniform. When I began work every pound I tipped up for my "keep" went straight onto my sisters back. I had all my mail sent to an accommodation address because my mother said she the right to "open any letter that comes to this house." I kept my money and my good clothes at my grandmothers. I never allowed my parents to know how much I earned because by my early 20s when I left home I was earning more than my father.

I qualified in a profession and rose through the ranks. Eventually a moved to another city and saw less and less of my family. I sense deep and bitter envy for what you have achieved from your wider family. You would probably be better off without them.

@Toomuchtrouble4me hahahahahaha

Believe it or not, there are plenty of people who would rather be mortgage free or have a small mortgage in the north with our “crappy” houses and be able to afford several holidays a year, private school & uni fees and to provide deposits for houses for our DC.

Rather that than a “room” in London or taking on almost half a million £ of debt for a 3 bed semi.

Of course, I’m sure you’re going to come back and tell me you manage all the above and live in more than a bog standard 3 bed semi in London.

Newsflash - You’re not rich because you have a huge mortgage.

Sadly l don't think anything you say will make a dent in their opinion of you. They are clearly cut from different cloth and will never understand why you have been so sucessful and they have not.

They seem to be of,, the world owes them a living mindset....ignorant behaviour and not normal to hound you about your private finances. You have done a lovely thing for your parents, so don't feel bad if your mum gets upset, she should be over the moon and see the relatives for the nasty people they are.

Move to low or no contact, .....and well done,!
l grew up with unstable finances, my parents were not irresponsible but fought their way up from very very poor, and as a result l have taken a similar approach to life as you although a very different route....
been extremely focussed on buying a flat very young, making huge sacrifices to build a business and buy investments whilst living for 15 years on a shoestring, drove a £400 car for 12 years.....
I am so grateful as now l have my frail parents age 85 living in a flat in my home, with me and l can look after them.

Please don't share your hard hard monies to these enticed money grabbing people who call themselves your family!!! Family should be wishing you the best and happy you are doing well not trying to take you money/blood... (Might be next)

Firstly your cousins and uncles children are not nieces and nephews but distant cousins. Sorry has to point that out. But being honest I would be straight with them. Tell them in your job which you work your arse off at you earn a high enough amount to have paid off your own home and have a mortgage which you could always show proof of taking out that you are paying on your parents home. You don't have some big pot of stashed cash you simply earn enough to help ensure your parents will always have a home. Then if they ask for support you say no you said you didn't want my money. I paid my own student debt they can do the same. Unless they earn a decent sum they will never pay it anyway. Other option tell them to sod off none of their business or you say you won big gambled it away the house is all you have left. Watch their faces then.

Do not give them anything!
It will never end!
Unbelievable how some people are😱

Having read more and seeing your not fussed about what they think but more about your mum I would tell them what you do and roughly what you earn. I'm not saying tell them your on 100k plus but maybe tell them 70 or 80. Shows enough to be buying your parents a home. Them tell them it's a fixed term position even though it's not and after the contract ends in 12 months you intend to do a job that gives you a better work life balance so you will not be able to help them out as you will earn less. I would even tell them if I was to be in the job longer after the way you and your mum have been treated there's no chance. Has their own raise and blew it but expect your wages to pay there debt. I don't think so.

@olivehater

Honestly I would send you mum a screen shot of your wage slip and she can show them what you earn. It’s bonkers but then they are bonkers. And sometimes you have to be straightforward with people like this. I would want nothing more to do with them but understand that you don’t want your mum affected.

Oh good good, don't do this! That will switch them from a lottery win to seeing you as an ever full cash machine 'because you're loaded'

They don’t deserve your time. You sound amazing - they sound horrible and self centred. Do you love them? Do you even like them? Seriously, you are better off without them. Please ask your mum to stop telling everyone you bought her a house though, it’s making your life needlessly difficult.

If you feel you want to set the record straight do a Note to each along lines of you are disappointed to hear they think xyz then go onto say what you do, the hours you work, the holidays youve not gone on if relevant, the socialising you didn’t do, the bargains you buy etc and that you are not sorry that you have managed your incomings and outgoings well but are really sorry about their attitude towards you and leave it at that - don’t tell them What you earn and don’t give them money

@lordofthemings

Well done for escaping poverty by your own hard graft and dedication.

Your family should awful to you.

Please never lend them money.

How grabby is that........... I'm shocked.

If you still want them in your life, I’d suggest a family email, based on your original post. No need to state your salary, and clear it with your parents first (but presumably the extended family are aware of the financial difficulties your patents faced). That way the family are aware of the hard work and sacrifice that has gone into you being in your current financial situation. And huge congratulations to you - it takes grit and determination to pull not one, but two generations out of poverty. You sound amazing!

You sound awesome, kind, thoughtful and hard-working OP! Don’t let your family get you down. My FIL has had similar issues with his wider family - worked hard to escape poverty and got treated like a bank which is horrid - so I sympathise.

I think there are times in life when you find out who your friends are, and this is one of those times. At least now you know!

It sounds as though you can’t do anything about these grabby individuals. This is about them, not you. Sadly your mother is going to have to ride the storm. If it gets too bad, you could rent the house out they’re living in and buy something in a different town for them, or sell the house and do the same. I would be encouraging her to do some kind of hobby away from them. The only caveat to this is that being loud mouthed, they may talk about your family and people in the area may start to ‘know’.

Please give them nothing and don’t tell them what you earn. You are kind and they sound like awful people.

I had a similar conversation with a couple their sixties about their friend. Very humble beginnings - all left school at 15 and went straight into a factory. The ambitious friend left to work in the Head Office. He went on to run large companies both in the UK and abroad before retiring back to the place he grew up building a huge house on the expensive coastline.

The couple are convinced of a lottery win. I said if he ran large companies, he would be on bonuses, possible stock options along with an executive salary, expenses and decent pension planning. And that's aside from canny property investment. But NO it HAD to be a lottery win.

Your family won't be convinced if you give them money. Do you really think think it would be a 'Ohhh thank you very much' and that will end there. It would be constant digs and speculation on how much/little on what you should be contributing to - people are always very generous dividing out other people's money.

I would say, ignore it - if it doesn't bother you. If it upsets your mother then she needs to make more of an effort to shut it down. She doesn't have to disclose your salary but surely she can tell them what you do for a living how hard you work etc. They can look up salary expectations. The family will find someone else to gossip about soon.