Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

OP needs to try and push it with her parents, specifically her mother not to feel any guilt about anything, otherwise I could foresee them being coerced into giving the relatives money they can't afford to give, at least they can't easily take money out of the house that the OP is paying for though.

No culture entitles people to expect to take what isn't theirs.

OP - live your life and don't let them ruin your life.

OP it sounds like they have done you all a favour by not speaking to you. They have shown their true colours that they are out for what they can get. It’s not down to you to provide for your entire extended family. You were kind enough to help support your parents to be more financially secure. That’s more than generous IMO. You’ve worked hard for what you have and you deserve to live your life well without putting yourself out of pocket. Continue to go no contact with them would be my advice.

Tbh I’m poor and if I had had a lottery win my uncles and Aunts wouldn’t even be thought of about treating. And I wouldn’t expect the same from them either. We are a close family but their success and my failure isn’t anything to do with the price of fish. If I did win the lottery or was more well off then yea I would treat my mum and dad. I don’t think u owe anyone anything and if they don’t wanna talk to u then don’t let their mistakes bother u x

Good God is have an absolute field day winding them up........let them think you've won and enjoy it. 😂😂😂

Sorry I haven’t read all the pages but your mother sounds like she is central to all this nonsense and needs to make amends for spreading family gossip. I’m sorry your family is so shallow.

YANBU. So many responses are saying exactly what I think, but I’ll say it anyway: absolutely, completely ignore all of it. Do not respond in any way. Jealousy and bitterness, pure and simple so let them stew in it. Good luck x

This family expectation for you to share everything is awful. Great that you've supported your parents but beyond that, you need to advise your parents not to lend people money where they can't afford it.

I'd just be the generous Aunt for Xmas (or equivalent) and birthdays for the children, but beyond that they can just work out their own finances.

Tell them to piss off.

Also, well done for getting yourself in this position. You’ve clearly worked hard and deserve to enjoy your money however you want to xx

well done you for getting off your arse and climbing to the top going without other stuff (social, as always working)to give you and direct family security. Give yourself a huge pat on the back.
with regards to the "i want some" brigade, say i earnt it! thats it, you do not have to explain yourself to them.

They sound like grabby idiots.

I'd send round a text making it clear you've never won the lottery and to back off making ridiculous accusations.

Children of cousins couldn't get much further. What minging grabby gits!

Your mother really needs to stop sharing your news its not a natural thing its causing s lot of stress.
She should behave with more tact.

I’d tell them I haven’t won the lottery but even if I had they’re not entitled to anything, greedy fuckers.

I've had scenarios with relatives in the past, greedy , shit stirring expecting help but never reciprocated. They won't change but you can. Make it clear to your parents yourprivacy is to be respected.Also that you have helped them as much as you can/Are going to. Please cut out these jealous entitled greedy people they will drain the life out of

Pick a charity your family hates.

Then tell them you DID win, only 2.8 million and you gave it to said charity.

Get popcorn and sit back and enjoy!

Gosh. That’s really very sad OP. I don’t really understand why anyone would feel entitled to someone else’s money, even if they had won the lottery. I guess once rumours start in a close family, they become “truths” very quickly. I’d probably email all of them and explain the outline - just because it must be really hard not to have contact. But a part of me also says screw them and move on.

Honestly, why can;t your mum (or you) laugh incredulously at the lottery win idea and explain you have studied and worked hard and now have a professional well paid job that supports your lifestyle?
It doesnt sound that flamboyant, it sounds like you are careful.
I think if they are in a financial situation like you were in as a child they could be a bit envious so probably more tactful if your DM was more discrete.
If they dont accept your explanation ignore them, treat you nieces/nephews at xmas/birthdays if you want but you have no responsibility towards them

@lordofthemings

I do feel like saying 'do one!' But that would make things worse.

how could it?.....two words and the second one is off. Even if you had had a windfall, its up to you what you do with it and you don't have to justify your choices to anybody

@lordofthemings

I do feel like saying 'do one!' But that would make things worse.

Feck em were they their when your parents needed help paying rent! its your money and you can do what you want with it.

I'd so be turning up to the family dinner in a ferrari, and a floor length mink coat. I'm sure these things can be rented for an evening.

you should turn it on its head tell them that it "Was only a 5 million pound win " and you have a long wat to go till you retire and you don`t want to struggle with money when you do retire

If the children are uni age just get in touch directly and maintain a relationship with them. After lockdown if you meet and the subject is ever referred to, no matter how obliquely, laugh and tell them that their parents think you won the lottery but you achieved what you have by working damned hard. And tell your Dad he has to back you up.

Please don’t let your relatives destroy the goodness in you. You are a lovely person doing what you can to make life easier for your immediate family. As hard as it is let your greedy relatives watch and wonder.

Well done to you and what a lovely daughter you are. So nice that you’ve thought about your parents and helped them also to feel secure. The rest of your family sound grabby and I’d distance myself if I were you.