Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

I wonder what your Mum is saying in private? This is the sort of thing that would get shut down immediately, if someone (not you) just said "No don't be daft - she's earning a fortune in that job of hers, that's how she can afford it."
What you are saying can only come about if you mum is saying things more like "Well I don't know where she gets the money from, she only mucks about with computers..."

That is such a mad situation! But I feel for you cos it’s like you’ve lost your whole family over it. You seem like the only sane one out of them all. I would make clear to them that you haven’t won the lottery, but you’ve worked and saved very hard to have your financial security. Make clear to them how important it is for you. And how you wanted to buy your mum a house so she wouldn’t have to rent anymore. The truth really. But don’t tell them what you earn and be very careful about lending them anything. If they still play up then I suppose you’d have to distance yourself. But I’m just looking at it from the point if view that they really do think you’ve won the lottery and haven’t helped them out, which I’m sure you would have if you had!

I don't think family feel they have a claim on someone's earnings even if they are more than others - whereas a jammy lottery win would get many begging letters.
Tell them you saved your income to put towards buying the homes.
They'll be jealous but can hardly expect a share.

Good god, the absolute blatant greed of your extended family!

Don't you share your money with them! You've worked very hard for it, and been careful, and you've also been very generous with your parents

Just tell them that you've not had a lottery win, but that you've been careful with your salary. Look forward to stepping down into your less stressful role next year. I admire what you've done x

Are you on Linked In or your employer’s website? Just wonder if there might be a way for them to get more of an idea of what you do and the sort of environment you work in without you having to sit down and explain to them or talk about salary. Do you not have any younger cousins or the like who are a bit more academic and switched on about careers? As others said, you could make much more difference to them by offering careers guidance than giving people money, shame the older generation can’t see that.

Are you also getting pressure to settle down and have kids?

What fun to let them believe their own silly lies. That you're sitting on an enormous lottery win and not giving them a penny.

If your DM's indiscretion can be relied on, perfect. This should do it:

"Mum, I know what they're saying. Promise me you'll never ever tell anyone I won over 400 million in the lottery"

then over time you can stir the pot a little more.

"Mum, I get such a lot of those charity begging letters. Last week it was a guineapig rescue charity; they need half a million to build more hutches and a hydrotherapy unit. Poor little pets, I couldn't say no. Just don't tell anybody".

Well done for working so hard to give yourself and immediate family a better life style. Take no notice of your sponging relatives they are just green with jealousy, your DM should have made it clear to them it is through sheer hard work and determination that you are better off. If these relatives choose to use emotional blackmail, cut off all contact they are not worth having in your life. If you gave any of them some of your hard earned cash , they would keep asking for more.

Cheeky sods!

Just horrible for you and you’ve done so much ( too much?) for them . It is upsetting And it may be time to break away from them if you feel strong enough to do that . See them for what they bring to you which seems like not much. They are selfish and takers and expect you give them stuff. Stop . Maybe get prof support to talk over childhood and impact and this will help you see them more clearly and Perhaps make a choice to let them go. It is not an easy path to tread but it is worthwhile being true to you xx

I think you’d be having massive trouble with them even if you did give them money.

They are envious and greedy. You can’t do anything about people like this.

I suggest you top up your pension before you go down to a job that pays less, topping it up early will be more effective now than if you add to it later. I would also save for a cushion in case you loose your job or want to move away from your annoying family.

Do not give them any money!
You may want to sent out a group email enquiring about your supposed lottery win and ask why they assume this. Keep it brief.
Then sit back and watch how you've made them squirm at their own grabbiness!

lordofthemings you are British, you work here, pay taxes, there is a state safety net in place for your wider family. You have already done your bit.

Well done on your hard work. Make sure everything, small, large, from tea spoons to houses is what you want. You deserve lovely things (and you can take joy in London looking after them and fixing them, because that careful element is partly what got you here)

(ignore stray London) ffs

OP, I'm a bit late to this, having just come across the thread in Highlights, but I wanted to give my two cents' worth. I've seen this happen before, and my guess would be that your extended family are jealous of your success, and accusing you of having won the lottery and not helping them financially gives them a righteous way to vent their jealousy without having to own up to it. I've had this happen with my own family for a very different reason (but also money-related), and I think you'll find it is very difficult to put them right because they don't actually want you to be blameless. Torturing your mother, like they seem to be doing, is also their way of being spiteful.

I could be wrong, but I thought it might be a helpful insight.

Thank goodness they showed their true colours before you gave them money! Even if you had won the lottery, they would have no legal or moral right to the money. Ignore them. Maybe they'll come back with an apology, if not youve lost nothing. Enjoy your cash op, youve worked hard for it.

Hang on.....but you haven't had a lottery win...have you? So unless you were being sardonic describing your income that way, you just make it clear you haven't!!

@2bazookas

What fun to let them believe their own silly lies. That you're sitting on an enormous lottery win and not giving them a penny.

If your DM's indiscretion can be relied on, perfect. This should do it:

"Mum, I know what they're saying. Promise me you'll never ever tell anyone I won over 400 million in the lottery"

then over time you can stir the pot a little more.

"Mum, I get such a lot of those charity begging letters. Last week it was a guineapig rescue charity; they need half a million to build more hutches and a hydrotherapy unit. Poor little pets, I couldn't say no. Just don't tell anybody".

good idea!! seriously....

You sound like a very generous person. What you do with your money is of no concern of anybody else. Just ignore them. Sounds like jealousy to me. You owe them zero explanation.

Ignore them, you don't owe anyone anything!

Your DM sounds like a nightmare. Sorry to say this. When it comes to £ never tell a soul!!

Buying a house in the NW for £100k isn’t a big deal when you think it’s an affordable part of the country.

It sounds to me like the whole family- extended need to be involved in everything.

Maybe your DM needs to cut the gossips down and put them in their place?

They're not speaking to you? Good.
The trash has taken itself out.

If they're not speaking you'll no longer hear their grabby, vulgar, incredibly rude whining. Take that as a victory and never, ever allow them space in your head, heart or home again.

Honestly I would send you mum a screen shot of your wage slip and she can show them what you earn. It’s bonkers but then they are bonkers. And sometimes you have to be straightforward with people like this. I would want nothing more to do with them but understand that you don’t want your mum affected.