Family drama - what to do now?

[pinkandrose]

I have posted before but have NC and can't get the old back. I'll give background but it will sound similar to a lot. FWIW, DP is next to me writing this so it's a joint opinion/story/question.

Background: DP always felt like he had 'middle child syndrome' and that his eldest sister was the golden child, whilst younger brother was the 'baby' of the family (youngest of the cousins etc) DP is 32, SIL is 33, BIL is 29. He occasionally did say he didn't think it was just in his head and that his family do treat him differently. Eventually it became glaringly obvious, they do treat him like he's unwanted. A few years ago the Aunts/Uncles confirmed that they've fallen out over how the parents (mum mainly) treat DP differently. They said it was because he was unplanned following infidelity.

At Christmas it all came to a spearhead as once again, DP (and me) were not invited to their Christmas celebrations. DP finally confronted all the small and big things and after advice from the Stately Homes thread, went low contact.

It has been a month. No one has attempted contact (fine), infact the last person to message was DP with his feelings. However the bit that has now got my back up is this:

Since we didn't see SIL at Christmas, I sent one of DN's presents as it was clothing and about 1 month from being too small, as we won't see them for time I didn't want it to go to waste. It has been delivered (signed for) and no response/message etc.

We sent wedding invitations to his family (due to get married in July) and I had to send a message with access to the wedding website. Everyone in his family has ignored it / not said anything.

The low contact and arguments were with his parents only. His siblings have got involved and that would only be through his mum (his dad is very passive and the mum is always round the sister's every week - part childcare/socialising).

Our wedding is 30 people. It always was pre-covid. We chose intimate with our favourite people and a very nice venue which is expensive. I feel a bit peeved off we are spending hundreds per head on family who are being so disrespectful.

So - what do we do with this? Do we just wait it out? At what point would it be ridiculous for his family to attend? (I can't imagine them not being invited though)

You don't have kids, presumably they wanted to see Dn open her presents.
Doesn't mean they should have broken the rules but I can see why a Gchild beats a childless couple.

Wtf

Sorry for my last post, did not mean that. I was trying to post on another post, but obviously it has been blocked as some people were talking the it most Bs and I was just checking !!!😁

Just uninvited them. You’ll have a lovely day with no tension

Uninvite them. This is a toxic relationship and is unlikely to change. Invite friends that appreciate you and who will celebrate your day in the right way.

I'm sorry your DP has such a horrible family. He (and you) deserve common courtesy and respect. I cant believe how parents can be so callous. Please just uninvited and cut them out of your life. It's sad but try and get support from aunts/uncles and enjoy life and celebrate your wedding with friends and any other family who genuinely love and support you.

I would uninvite them.

I would I invite them to the wedding and take said money and invest it in counselling for him to be able to heal from the trauma. Build himself up into who he needs to be to be Abel to deal with this ongoing. This won’t stop and he will (you both will) feel bitter about inviting them and spending the money. He needs help to find his strength and the reasons why he feels so strongly about this. Not that any of us wouldn’t be hurt and upset.. the sucky thing is you can’t make other people act as you wish all you can do is protect your self and build your self into who you need to be to live through it

*wouldnt invite them

Just uninvite. Problem solved.

This is way more than middle child situation

She got accidentally pregnant while planning to leave

I could understand if that’s the reason why she’s miserable somehow

But she had another after him so her being ‘trapped’ has nothing to do with you dh, that’s her decision entirely

You dh has a dysfunctional family and no amount of treating them like normal human beings will make them so.

I’d give the invitations a little while longer, wait till 6m before the wedding and then ask for numbers by a certain date as you’ll be making other arrangements if they’re not coming.

Stop buying gifts for people who don’t thank you. No child is suffering because of their parents lack of manners, don’t allow yourself to keep going back and making yourself more of a chump

My DH has no contact with his dad and step mum and mum and step dad. This is because of the way he was treated as a child. I won't go into the details as it's really upsetting.
We were still speaking to them when we got married 13 years ago. Me and DH wanted to have a simple wedding that was just me and him and then have a meal with family. My parents and grandparents respected this decision, even though they wanted to be there, they knew the reasons behind why we wanted it the way we did. When my DH told his stepmum we were getting married her first question was "is she pregnant?" I wasn't. He told her we were getting married for love. She asked him about the wedding and he told her how we wanted it, and she went on a rant about it wasn't fair that, he had to take in to consideration that he was his dads firstborn so he had a right to be there. Anyway he then spoke to his dad, who basically said don't get married divorce is expensive. Anyway we decided to have all our family there, and we still kept it small. I wish we hadn't. His dad and stepmum took over the whole thing. Then when we were having a meal together his stepmum, said to me "oh, when you took your vows, I was sat thinking about the saying, change your name and not the letter, change for worse and not for better." As I wasn't changing my initials. She then went on to tell me how that became true for her best friend. I came away from my own wedding in tears. Now whenever I think of that day, I think of how I really wished we had just stuck with what we had originally said we would do. So my advice is do what you feel is right, and if you don't want them there then uninvite them.

They have no idea you’ve gone LC...? Then I can only assume they’ve gone NC with you both as they’re the ones not responding or making any effort at all since Christmas. I doubt they are stressing over this anywhere near as much as you both are - they probably think it is you & DP that have behaved badly & therefore justified anything they may have done or not done. I think it is too early to air an issue out of a RSVP for July, esp with Covid. I would wait until you actually need to confirm with the venue & then decide. Surely there will be significant dates between now & then, birthdays, etc, where you will see if they are maintaining NC
or not? If they do, then I would uninvite them on that basis. They may well come to the wedding with no interest in the two of you but because they can enjoy the day out at a lovely venue - I would not be facilitating that! Also, you say he is treated differently because his DM wanted to leave his cheating DF but you say he has a younger sibling? So I assume they sorted out their differences & may even be glad they stayed together - assuming you think they treat the youngest sibling well, so why would they hold it against your DP if there are no doubts as to his parentage..? Doesn’t make sense, sorry OP.

I would change the date of the wedding and go no contact with them, I wouldn't want the worry of if they turn up or not!

@hammeringinmyhead

Agree they'll rock up, eat the food, leave and then go back to ignoring your DP.

Ask him - what's the long game? How does he see his relationship with his mum in 5 years? She won't change, so what is the point in worrying about what she will think if she's uninvited?

You are in a relationship together, your lives are together and legally so when married.

You should plan things that don't involve the family, as in - your plans shpuld come first. Think of your goals - individually that you support your fiance/husband in, and together.

Let them fall in, or not - it's painful, but it gets better when you supprt one another and make plans putting yourselves first - I think this is whay posters mean when they say get them out of your lives - don't live waiting for their approval/acceptance.

It sounds like you, OP, have a good relationship with your own family, and so you together have gone about dealing with his family in the way you might with your own if you had difficulties with them.

Make your own lives, have your own experiences, have good relationships with thise who respect you back. If his family still feel like treating him like that, then there will be no opportunity.

Nearer the time, as your wonderful date gets nearer and your plans get closer (don't forget, covid still might change curcumstamces for people and events) I would deal with it then - I like the idea of resending an RSVP nearer the time - you might legitimately want/need to do that anyway.

You are joining together to have a life for yourselves together, everyone else is secondary to this.

If I received a wedding for July that didn’t require international travel to be booked I don’t I would respond yet either tbh. What’s RSVP date?

I’ve read all your updates. I think you just plan your wedding with 30 guests, decide nearer the time who those 30 are. Then stop poking at this.

Wedding invites are not normally sent out several months before, so if your in law as are not coming then you can invite others, those close friends that you have referred to. Seriously park this drama for a few months

@pinkandrose??? Are you still here?

Does DP want them there or would be rather have other family/friends there?

His family have made it clear that they will continue to treat badly. His aunt & uncle carr more for him!!

Personally I would bite the bullet and let them know that unfortunately due to Covid etc you have had to rearrange the wedding and they can no longer attend of it even goes ahead.

I remember your post about Christmas, it must be really hard for your DH.
So SIL has ticked to say she is coming but not contacted in person. Do you or DH feel comfortable breaking the ice with her by calling/messaging to say "we saw on the website you are definitely coming, that's great we are really looking forward to it. Just wanted to check also you got the present we send to niece?"
See how it goes with her and if you get a response move on to try with the brother. The MIL sounds hard work, I'd leave her until last especially if you're trying to be low contact.