Family drama - what to do now?

[pinkandrose]

I have posted before but have NC and can't get the old back. I'll give background but it will sound similar to a lot. FWIW, DP is next to me writing this so it's a joint opinion/story/question.

Background: DP always felt like he had 'middle child syndrome' and that his eldest sister was the golden child, whilst younger brother was the 'baby' of the family (youngest of the cousins etc) DP is 32, SIL is 33, BIL is 29. He occasionally did say he didn't think it was just in his head and that his family do treat him differently. Eventually it became glaringly obvious, they do treat him like he's unwanted. A few years ago the Aunts/Uncles confirmed that they've fallen out over how the parents (mum mainly) treat DP differently. They said it was because he was unplanned following infidelity.

At Christmas it all came to a spearhead as once again, DP (and me) were not invited to their Christmas celebrations. DP finally confronted all the small and big things and after advice from the Stately Homes thread, went low contact.

It has been a month. No one has attempted contact (fine), infact the last person to message was DP with his feelings. However the bit that has now got my back up is this:

Since we didn't see SIL at Christmas, I sent one of DN's presents as it was clothing and about 1 month from being too small, as we won't see them for time I didn't want it to go to waste. It has been delivered (signed for) and no response/message etc.

We sent wedding invitations to his family (due to get married in July) and I had to send a message with access to the wedding website. Everyone in his family has ignored it / not said anything.

The low contact and arguments were with his parents only. His siblings have got involved and that would only be through his mum (his dad is very passive and the mum is always round the sister's every week - part childcare/socialising).

Our wedding is 30 people. It always was pre-covid. We chose intimate with our favourite people and a very nice venue which is expensive. I feel a bit peeved off we are spending hundreds per head on family who are being so disrespectful.

So - what do we do with this? Do we just wait it out? At what point would it be ridiculous for his family to attend? (I can't imagine them not being invited though)

Great advice on here from User 2921 and FFSAlltheGoodOnesAlreeadyTaken.
Would just add OP and her DP, that if you have family who are negative towards you like this (a) they won't change because of anything you do or do not do. So please don't spend your lives trying to appease them. It won't work. (b) this negativity from them is harmful to your DP, so it is important for his wellbeing not to engage with it, even if it means NC. You need to survive a family like this, particularly a narcisstic mother and enabler father and others. To keep trying to make it work will just drain your own life's energy and time. If DP leaves the family to their own devices, it is important for his own sake, to move on without rancour and bitterness which will hurt himself, not the family.. So getting the hurt and anger caused by this family safely expressed to a counsellor or therapist is really useful, and then he can carry on with his life unburdened by others' negativity. I had to do this, and it is the most blessed relief not to be carrying other people's negative baggage any more, and therefore to ge past the hurt and anger and feelings of injustice that it causes. From then on, don't bother with anyone, friend etc. who is not completely for you. You don't need other people's negative attitude towards you, or half-hearted or provisional acceptance. You are worth more than that.
If it was me I would not have them at the wedding, as they might spoil it for you, if you are on tenterhooks about them, and not focusing on your selves. Whatever you choose to do, take care of yourselves. Wishing you well, and have a lovely wedding.

Update the invites to say due to covid and lack of funds the free bar is cancelled...

I personally dont see that texts about feelings, sending gifts and wedding invites and all this in the last month is allowing them time to see that you are LC.

I would be disciplined between you and OH and not talk about it. It can become an all consuming topic where not a day passes that it isnt brought up, discussed, rehashed, feelings hurt all over again....meanwhile they are carrying on happily with their lives, ignoring you!

Leave it until March at the earliest, and make a time when you talk about it of you REALLY have to, but try not to as it is getting you nowhere, and you are making yourselves suffer

Op what exactly did your DP tell them when he said how he felt?

Did he just say that he was hurt by their Xmas decision or did he fill them in on how their life long treatment of him has affected him?

If its the former, it sounds a bit of a storm in a teacup and he needs to speak more openly to them bc I don't think they realise how deep this goes.

If it's the latter then I would say a lot of emotion has been aired and they will be feeling a lot in response. They might just be taking some time to process it.

That aside when you go low contact but don't declare it, it isn't unusual for it not to be noticed for some time. I understand that he hopes it would produce a response a reaching out, but he has to accept that this may well not happen. You both need to remember why he's LC and accept that LC comes with it's own pain.

If either if you hope that LC will trigger behavioural changes, you will be waiting - maybe not in vain - but certainly a long time.

My advice is to remain low contact, don't expect more from them as they have a right to roll with it too.

As pp have said, give a reasonable deadline by which they need to rsvp or you will fill their places but be pleasant about it.

I think your dp should focus on building things up with the family that treat him well, which sound like aunts and uncles etc. This will help manage feelings of loss. If ultimately what he would like is a reconciliation then leave the door open.

Counselling for your dp might be helpful as these are complicated feelings to find your way through.

@User2921

Your DP needs to decide if he wants them to come or not. If not, retract the invitation. If yes, give them a deadline to respond.

The only other advice I would give is to make sure he does this, not you, and that communication with them comes from him, not you.

If, at some future point your DP and his family decide to build bridges, his family are more than likely to blame you for his email and subsequent withdrawal, as this is easier than looking to their own part in it. This will make any ongoing relationship worse, so personally I would keep a very low profile, support your partner, but make sure it's his decisions and that he communicates them, in his own words and his own way.

This is excellent advice.

Why do you want them at the wedding?
That's what doesn't make sense

His family don't know/care he is LC ..

He needs to decide whether he's happy to continue being treated poorly....or decide not..once made that decision then decide not to resent them

Personally having paid/had people at my wedding that I've hardly seen or was unsure about....I wish I had not .....but accept i made the decision at the time

He can only change how he feels/behaves...they are unlikely too

@Chicchicchicchiclana

I have a sibling who wants to be no contact with one member of the family but does want contact with other members. I am so upset by his decision to go no contact with this one member that he doesn't get on with that in all honesty I want nothing to do with him. "Going NC" has repercussions and sends ripples out to other family members. It's not even to do with sides, I can see both sides, I just don't agree with what he has done.

Seems to me you and your DP have very specific, but not exactly clear, expectations and from here it looks potentially like you could be the difficult ones.

But if he doesn't get on with them why should he be compelled to be in contact with them? And the fact you can 'see both sides' indicate there is an issue, and rather than be impartial you have picked a side by having nothing to do with one party.

Just be glad you're not hearing from them. Enjoy the peace of a life without toxic people in it.

@Ozgirl75

Are you sure that your DH has the father he thinks he has? I wonder if that’s the reason for treating him so differently. If I were you I would go fully NC over this, have a wedding with just friends and people you actually get on with, and be done with it.

This was my thought too, when you said relatives told you he was unplanned after infidelity.... does he either have a different father, or is he dad and the other woman's child being raised by dad and 'mum'. It's a very small age gap.

Regardless of that though, sadly, sometimes biological families just don't behave in the way we'd like or hope. And there's nothing we can do to change their behaviour. All we can do is change our response.

Invest your love, time and attention on people who aren't such hard work and disappointment.

This lot sound so toxic and will probably spoil your wedding in some way because they're arseholes.

IMO (for what it's worth) your DP would benefit from some counselling to help
him accept the situation and accept it's NOT him, and nothing he does will 'make' them the family he wants. It's very sad and he is lucky to have you - have a fab wedding and a lovely marriage!

I tried to confront my narcissist mother - she was outraged and demanded chapter and verse of things that had upset me. When I did, she wrote me a letter saying she was surprised I had remembered such trivial things and she had nothing to reproach herself with. A lifetime of hurt just tossed aside. It really is pointless trying to reason with them as they just won’t have it. Whether the rest of the family is ready to hear it I don’t know. it will discomfort them and they may also deny everything. As far as the wedding’s concerned, if you both genuinely don’t want them to come, I agree with an earlier answer - cancel the whole thing because of uncertainty about covid, and rearrange without inviting them. However that is pretty much shutting the door on the lot of them, so not to be done without being absolutely sure. Narc MIL will never let the rest of the family break ranks. I so feel for your DH. Do tell him to get some counselling with someone who understands what it is to be the child of a narcissist.

So your OH is the result of an affair? But why is his mum denying him a place in the family?

Just wanted to add that when I cut contact with my narcissistic mother and her partner, some of my siblings cut contact with me in retaliation. They were unhappy about what I did.

9 years later, some of them have come round to my point of view after more disappointing behaviour from our mother. So if cutting contact does cause estrangement with your siblings, that may change later.

Narcissists on the other hand will never change and will continue to disappoint you. You can count on that.

@Princessbanana

There is no way I would be sharing my special day with any of these people! I would very nicely tell them that due to numbers they won’t be able to come and go contact from then on. I don’t know if you have children yet but they will be treated the same way as your DH, don’t fool yourselves and think otherwise! I would cut each and everyone of them out before they do more emotional damage to your DH.

Sadly I agree! My husbands mum literally never rings or bothers with us and will only speak to him if he rings her and even then she's always keen to get off the phone. If he doesn't ring for months tho then he becomes the evil one that doesn't bother or care about her! She's exactly the same with our kids now and she one point she would send a present for my sons birthday but never my daughters (she's older only by one year) and it got to the point that she once asked her dad "what have I done to make nan hate me?" It was really sad and it was hard to answer why it happened. Now she doesn't bother with anyone in our family. OH rings occasionally only because even tho he's not in wrong he still would feel guilty if something happened to them and he had cut her off. It's a very sad situation to be in because even tho he's a grown man it does still get to him deep down. Good job he has his own family now (me and 4 kids) and we love him and show him all the time.
I'm sorry I have no answer or opinion on your problem other than I'm really sorry but some people are just like this and you may just have to accept it and move on and just do whatever makes yourself happy.

Given they’re already invited, it’s much less hassle to let it go. The wedding is a long way off. Forget about them, get on with your life. If they turn up, which they probably will, it’s not the end of the world.

Actually disinviting them will elicit tedious shenanigans.

I'd invite them and change LC to NC.
The only way they could make it clearer they don't give a shit is if they took out a double page ad in the Times or hired a skywriter. It's time to stop hoping for crumbs from them.

Sorry I replied as if the person I quoted was the OP! I'm kind of talking to both...I agree with quoted person about the kids and the rest is for OP really. Sorry for messing that up royally!! 🤦🏻

Uninvite

@VettiyaIruken

I'd invite them and change LC to NC. The only way they could make it clearer they don't give a shit is if they took out a double page ad in the Times or hired a skywriter. It's time to stop hoping for crumbs from them.

While it's shit that they haven't responded to his message about Christmas, it's par for the course when a family member speaks up about being unfairly treated. Classic reaction is to brush it under the carpet, and then at some later point just pick up communications without reference to it, and pretend it never happened. Not saying it's right, just that it's often done. Your fiance has to decide whether he would rather let it go for now and see how things pan out in a couple of months, or whether he wants to force the issue more quickly.

Am I right in thinking that you and your partner are the only ones who know/realise that you have decided to go low contact?

Tbh with covid they were restricted with Christmas and if you don't have dc I can see why they wanted to see grandchildren. I recognise you're other threads it sounds like you feed on the drama.

There is a dynamic here that is being repeated throughout these families and in your own relationship between you and DP.

YOU have taken responsibility for your husband's relationship with his family. He, for his part, has allowed that to happen.
YOU are sending presents to your husband's family not him.
YOU are sending them out the online invitation thing, not him.
YOU are writing this for advice. While DP sits quietly to your side and dwells on his hurt feelings.

In some ways, if you are controlling all the 'relating' to his family, then he is prevented/excused from doing it himself.
Which suits him as he is avoidant in nature, and not keen on dealing with his emotions.

You don't mind managing his family because it's easier and does not bring up painful emotions like your own family!
But perhaps you are trying to resolve your own problem which is a DP who is as miserable as sin mooning about the place being depressed and sad about his past. But not doing anything about it himself.

You keep saying going to SIL's etc - but wait? Don't you mean going to 'DH Brother's house'? But you haven't mentioned his Brother, you place the 'power' with the SIL for some reason.

Again notice the Woman is blamed for the bad relationships not the Man. His brother chose a woman who would manage his relationships for him too.

The 'powerful' figures are his mother, his SIL and YOU - all women.

The Men in the family are all allowed to sit back and no-one gets angry with them. They take a passive role in relationships or huff or act out their hurt feelings until the woman gets activated to act on their behalf.

DP's Dad is the one he he should be taking umbrage with. He cheated on his wife.

Logically, your DP's mother had a 1yr old, then she had another baby - suddenly 2 under 2yrs of age!
I suspect DPs mother got angry with the children so that she could 'allow' her cheating husband to stay.
She wouldn't get angry with her husband so took it out on her baby son. Your DPs sister might have been able to take on the mother and give her as good as she got, but your DP may have been more sensitive of temperament.

She didn't stay because of your DP.
She stayed because her personality says that she values any relationship rather than abandonment, but will kick up hell inside that relationship and make people's lives a misery.
She may well have told people she stayed because she was pregnant.
Relatives tend to believe their own beliefs about something rather than seek feedback about the truth of the matter.

My advice. Move on with your lives - if you value having family around and enjoying those relationships for the most part, then find a way to keep contact.

Be aware that DPs family are different from yours. They are avoidant by nature. It may well not occur to them to answer emails, send thank you cards, gush over presents. It's not that they don't care, it's just not in their nature.

Your DP has issues, but he'd be as well to go and get therapy for himself and work through those. Then'll he feel better placed to take back control of his own relationships with his family. If he's depressed he should consider antidepressants.

My concern is that they will want to come - it is a venue they're all excited to go to which they have previously made clear. I am happy for them to be there but not if we spend the next 7 months without speaking at all - without civility or even pleasantries.

That makes no sense. Why are you happy for them to be there? They treat your DP appallingly. And if he's gone LC then he needs to mean it.

Rescind the invitations and watch for a reaction

* That makes no sense.*

The entire thread. In a nutshell.

You keep saying going to SIL's etc - but wait? Don't you mean going to 'DH Brother's house'? But you haven't mentioned his Brother, you place the 'power' with the SIL for some reason.

I believe that, by SIL, OP is referring to her SIL, ie DH's sister, not DH's brother's wife.

Wise words from @sadie9 I think.