Family drama - what to do now?

[pinkandrose]

I have posted before but have NC and can't get the old back. I'll give background but it will sound similar to a lot. FWIW, DP is next to me writing this so it's a joint opinion/story/question.

Background: DP always felt like he had 'middle child syndrome' and that his eldest sister was the golden child, whilst younger brother was the 'baby' of the family (youngest of the cousins etc) DP is 32, SIL is 33, BIL is 29. He occasionally did say he didn't think it was just in his head and that his family do treat him differently. Eventually it became glaringly obvious, they do treat him like he's unwanted. A few years ago the Aunts/Uncles confirmed that they've fallen out over how the parents (mum mainly) treat DP differently. They said it was because he was unplanned following infidelity.

At Christmas it all came to a spearhead as once again, DP (and me) were not invited to their Christmas celebrations. DP finally confronted all the small and big things and after advice from the Stately Homes thread, went low contact.

It has been a month. No one has attempted contact (fine), infact the last person to message was DP with his feelings. However the bit that has now got my back up is this:

Since we didn't see SIL at Christmas, I sent one of DN's presents as it was clothing and about 1 month from being too small, as we won't see them for time I didn't want it to go to waste. It has been delivered (signed for) and no response/message etc.

We sent wedding invitations to his family (due to get married in July) and I had to send a message with access to the wedding website. Everyone in his family has ignored it / not said anything.

The low contact and arguments were with his parents only. His siblings have got involved and that would only be through his mum (his dad is very passive and the mum is always round the sister's every week - part childcare/socialising).

Our wedding is 30 people. It always was pre-covid. We chose intimate with our favourite people and a very nice venue which is expensive. I feel a bit peeved off we are spending hundreds per head on family who are being so disrespectful.

So - what do we do with this? Do we just wait it out? At what point would it be ridiculous for his family to attend? (I can't imagine them not being invited though)

I think issues are going to rise due to you going low contact because your notion of what that means is probably different to what theirs is.

If I were you/him I'd just go no contact and move on.

Why would he even want them at his wedding when they treat him like shit?

OP just for a moment play through the next few months and your wedding day. Already the focus is on you both to do something whereas you have invited them and they have not responded. The focus is already on them but the focus should be on you and your DHs special day.

Your wedding day is supposed to be a joyous occassion where you are surrounded by family and friends that love you. People celebrate with you, they are happy for you - frankly it sounds like they will just be a pita and you will be worried in case something is said/goes wrong.

Take control OP, withdraw their invitation and go no contact, stop letting them take your energy. You will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

For goodness’ sake bin off the lot of them. They don’t care about your partner and they never will. The fact they haven’t even realised you’ve gone low contact (although why would they, given all the emails and gifts and invitations flying about?!) bears out their lack of interest in your OH. The observations of hIs wider family suggest this is a deep-rooted and ongoing lack of love and care, but it seems he’s still tying himself in knots trying to get some kind of attention or approval from them - as hurt children will.
It can feel impossible to disentangle ourselves from significant childhood relationships but trust me, once you’ve made the decision it’s much easier than you imagine. There may be a bit of drama or blowback in the short term - and you’ll be the bad guys, make no mistake about that - but after that he’ll be amazed how much lighter and freer and happier he feels.
Having toxic people in your life means you’re automatically carrying a mental and emotional load you may be unaware of until it’s gone. What exactly does he get from the relationship other than constantly being made to feel bad about himself?
Uninvite them. Have your friends at your wedding. Have people who lift you up and want the best for you. (It’s what I did and my wedding was amazing and truly happy. My sister got married 2 months later and felt she had to invite the whole family. It was extremely stressful and half ruined it for her, and she regrets her decision to this day - especially as we’re now NC with the lot of them and have honestly never looked back!)
And please, as other people have said, make sure your partner gets some professional help to process his feelings. This stuff is really hard to deal with, but that shouldn’t prevent him from taking positive steps to break this horrible cycle of hurt and rejection.

I understand the middle child thing, I am one and big sister was the first born, younger brother was the baby and the only boy, I was the one who was supposed to be a boy.

However, are you being a bit oversensitive about the Christmas thing? His parents couldn't be with all their children, maybe they wanted to be with GC? Obviously background comes into it.

I think it will be weird if they turn up and haven't spoken to you in 7 months, on the otherhand you don't sound like you want to cancel the invite so I'm not sure what you can do.

@Murmurur

I know there is a lot more to this but the covid restrictions really do complicate Christmas. Did they say up to 3 families in the end? That was never going to end with everyone happy in grown families with 3 children. Add in-laws, sick or terminally ill relatives, babies who GPs are desperate to see at Christmas and lots of families have had to make really hard choices this year. I am dreadful at being over-sensitive round my parents but there are SO many reasons to resist taking their choices about Christmas 2020 personally.

This is very sensible about the Christmas thing... although if you’re not the favourite (and you know you’re not) then I don’t suppose not being illegally invited to covid Christmas was a big surprise. Re Christmas gifts, some people go straight for a thank you card, and that can take some getting around to in our family at least. Wedding invites, a lot of ppl leave it until the last day to rsvp.

From my own experience, I think there are some things in families that just are the way they are... it’s not necessarily just or fair, but you have a choice, either accept it and play by the rules or articulate exactly what’s wrong/how they make you feel, and be prepared for the potential fall out (which is likely not to go your way/end up in some kind of awkward impasse where you’re the villain).

At the moment it sounds like your dp is trying to avoid further hurt by pulling back from them but then you both feel hurt when they don’t make more effort to reach out. I think he needs to accept that they are not the family he wants them to be and focus on the better relationships in his life, and limit the opportunities they have to hurt him by lowering his expectations of them

@Ozgirl75

Are you sure that your DH has the father he thinks he has? I wonder if that’s the reason for treating him so differently. If I were you I would go fully NC over this, have a wedding with just friends and people you actually get on with, and be done with it.

If it’s the mum that appears to be stirring up the trouble maybe DH has the MOTHER he thinks he has?

I remember your thread about Christmas. Your dp is never going to be in the right. You both need to decide what you want more: Them at the wedding or nc. He needs to get his head round the fact that they will never, ever be the people he wants and needs them to be. He cannot control them. He can only control himself. I agree therapy would be really useful.

Have you tried contacting any of them? Rather than expecting a response to a present and a wedding invite for 7 months away. Maybe they're just getting on with their lives and not thinking about you. Tbh it sounds like they might have gone NC with you. Maybe tired of the family drama.

@Aprilx

A 32 year old moaning about how he felt left out as a middle child is a bit pathetic really, you cannot seriously believe a parent would like their middle child less just because they are a middle child? You told them you want space and then complain when you are given space. Honestly the pair of you need to grow up.

I am glad that this has not happened to you or anyone you know, @Aprilx - but I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that some parents DO have favourites, and DO treat their children very differently.

I was the eldest, but as far as my mum was concerned, my sister was the favourite. I can see plenty of times when she was treated better than me, and believe me, it really hurts. Just one example - my 18th birthday present cost £20, my sister’s 18th birthday present cost £250. And my mum did the sum total of fuck all about the bullying that blighted my life from the age of 10 until I went to sixth form college.

Look up Golden Child - it really exists, and you denying it is hurtful to those of us who have suffered under it, and know the damage it does.

@pinkandrose - I agree with the previous posters who have suggested a general message asking for confirmed replies to the invitations - with a specific date to reply by, and uninvite any of them that can’t be bothered to answer. Then have a wedding surrounded by people who really love you and your soon-to-be dh.

@MichelleScarn - he is not compelled to be in contact with them and equally I am not compelled to be in contact with him and the reason I choose not be in contact is because of what he has done. It's very simple.

I think a problem with the low contact thing is that it seems it has been used here as a lever to try to bring about change, rather than as a coping strategy for dealing with difficult people.

I think when the email announcing the low contact was sent, the hope was that the family would change their ways to avoid this 'sanction'.

If you genuinely want to stop or reduce contact with someone because the relationship hurts you, you can just do it. You don't need to give it a label, with rules and expectations attached and email about it.

This is more the sort of thing you do if you want their attention, and I think the difficulty now lies in that it hasn't worked.

I'm completely confused by exactly what it is that you want and what you are trying to achieve. Your post makes no sense to me.

Perhaps they are also confused about what you and DP want and are just deciding to lay low for a bit.

@Murmurur

I know there is a lot more to this but the covid restrictions really do complicate Christmas. Did they say up to 3 families in the end? That was never going to end with everyone happy in grown families with 3 children. Add in-laws, sick or terminally ill relatives, babies who GPs are desperate to see at Christmas and lots of families have had to make really hard choices this year. I am dreadful at being over-sensitive round my parents but there are SO many reasons to resist taking their choices about Christmas 2020 personally.

This was irrelevant. They went to a tier 4 area for Christmas (and days leading up to it) as a total of three separate households. We were in a tier 2 area as were in laws. SIL shouldn't have been part of any of it legally.

@AnyTimeSoon

I think your whole thinking is a bit toxic op. You know that your dp is treated quite badly enough that other family members have addressed it with his parents, yet you say you are happy for them to come to the wedding? That's warped. He has gone LC with them, and they haven't bothered to address his feelings. Yet you are desperate for them to be at your wedding. Again extremely warped. Why are you so desperate for these people to be in your life. You seem like one of those 'family is everything' type of people. No, some families have a toxic dynamic and you stay out of it if you can't get that. Leave your dp to deal with this as he sees fit.

If you read the thread, I say we wrote this together. So we are both ok with them coming to the wedding. I'd happily not have them, they're not nice to me.

I do think it'd be no-going-back if they didn't come to the wedding.

@BloggersBlog

I personally dont see that texts about feelings, sending gifts and wedding invites and all this in the last month is allowing them time to see that you are LC.

I would be disciplined between you and OH and not talk about it. It can become an all consuming topic where not a day passes that it isnt brought up, discussed, rehashed, feelings hurt all over again....meanwhile they are carrying on happily with their lives, ignoring you!

Leave it until March at the earliest, and make a time when you talk about it of you REALLY have to, but try not to as it is getting you nowhere, and you are making yourselves suffer

The point is really being missed.

We were not low contact when wedding invite was sent.

We are not low contact with SIL. SIL shouldn't actually even know about the upset as it took place between DP and his mum only.

@Eviebeans

Am I right in thinking that you and your partner are the only ones who know/realise that you have decided to go low contact?

Yes, all events happened before the decision, their reaction is what decided LC.

My problem is not even around RSVPs but for some reason that's been made the focus.

My issue is, if we don't speak for the next 6 months, are we able to say not to come? Is it normal for them to still come?

We genuinely need to plan because you need notice for the venue/arrangements of at least a couple of months.

I didn’t invite my parents, when we got engaged they said don’t bother inviting us so we didn’t.

My issue is, if we don't speak for the next 6 months, are we able to say not to come? Is it normal for them to still come?

Of course you can tell them not to come. Why would you even want them to?

Even in MN world it would be totally weird for them to turn up to the wedding of someone they haven't spoken to in 6 months. Would you do this?

It's clear DP's parents don't care about him, and his DB and DSis have chosen to follow their mother (possibly because she'd make their lives hell if they didn't).

I don't think they care about your wedding either. It's just an opportunity to go somewhere they've always fancied going (expensive??) at your expense.

Did you put an RSVP date on the invitations? If so and it's passed, tell them that as they haven't replied - they can't have if they haven't been in any sort of contact - you will use their places for friends.

If you didn't set and RSVP date, send them another invite, with a short reply period, and if you don't hear anything then as above.

PS I remember your last thread from the detail you've given. What would DP think to quitting with the LC and making it NC?

MIL can’t really blame DP for her staying in the marriage, especially when she went on to have another child with cheating FIL!

If they are like this now, then they will never really change so I would just uninvite them now and be done with it so you and DH can move on.

I'd wait until April/May and then send a 'please reconfirm your attendance at our wedding' RSVP note to all attendees (or at least to them).

My issue is, if we don't speak for the next 6 months, are we able to say not to come? Is it normal for them to still come?

Its your wedding. You can have who you like, and choose whatever you want. Why would you want them there op? Normal or not, it is abit weird for you to have even invited them given how awful they are to your dh. weirder still to have radio silence and then they all turn up for the wedding.

You and dh need to take control of your wedding and your guest list.
Not wait for them to finally grace you with a reply (which may never happen in reality)

You seem to be hankering after a 'normal' family, with a happy ending. It is not going to happen op. I don't know how times you need to hear it.

^^ And even if they do respond, you can uninvite them any time you like.

My issue is, if we don't speak for the next 6 months, are we able to say not to come? Is it normal for them to still come?

What's not normal is how they treat DP. So any attempt at normality, even if it was in some twisted way normal for them to come, is irrelevant and misplaced.

"My issue is, if we don't speak for the next 6 months, are we able to say not to come? Is it normal for them to still come?"

So, you want to see what happens between now and the wedding - and if they don't make contact, you want to uninvite them nearer the time?
Why? Why not take control, rather than set them invisible tests? (I mean, they don't actually know that you've gone lc do they?) Why not be proactive rather than reactive. Seems to me that they are happy jogging along like this indefinitely. But you two aren't. So, take the bull by the horns, decide enough is enough, and using Covid, say that in light of recent restrictions around weddings, you are having a very quiet do, and previous invitations are now void.

If you leave things as they are, they will either rock up, blissfully unaware that you two have been seething at them for the past 7 months, which will spoil your day, or not turn up, which will spoil your day, because then you'll have the hurt of them not bothering to turn up to deal with.

You really need to take control here - make a decision, and stick to it.
They won't change - they are fine as they are. You two aren't, so sort it.

So, others have acknowledged that MIL treats your DH less favourably and think it is due to unplanned pregnancy following FIL's affair. Is it because she would have left FIL but found herself pregnant again with your DH so stayed in a marriage she didn't want to be in?

Not sure exactly what happened at Christmas. Was it MIL/PILs who didn't invite you for Christmas? If so, was it because they had to make a choice because of Covid so they invited SIL as they feel closer to her?
Did your DP just confront MIL or did he do it in front of other family members?

Since we didn't see SIL at Christmas, I sent one of DN's presents as it was clothing and about 1 month from being too small, as we won't see them for time I didn't want it to go to waste. It has been delivered (signed for) and no response/message etc.
Did you put a note in saying why you have sent it in the post? Otherwise, they could think that you have posted it precisely because you don't have any intentions of seeing them, especially as they will know you haven't been in touch with MIL. They may assume you are going LC with them too.

We sent wedding invitations to his family (due to get married in July) and I had to send a message with access to the wedding website. Everyone in his family has ignored it / not said anything.
I think this could be that you are giving out mixed messages. Do you want contact or don't you? SIL probably has divided loyalties and may not want to respond unless she knows your PIL are invited and will be going.

The low contact and arguments were with his parents only.
Has your DH told his siblings that?

Blimey. Families can be so crap at communication. What your DH really wants is to be loved as much as his siblings by his mum and treated equally. Going LC or NC will never achieve that.

If I was him I would probably try having a conversation with my mum where I told her I feel she doesn't love me or not as much as the others. I would say that I'd heard I was unplanned after DF's affair and know my birth might have totally changed any plans she may have had but that it wasn't my fault. I want us all to be a happy family. See what she says. She may not realise what she has done to him. It may be subconscious.