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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family drama - what to do now?

195 replies

pinkandrose · 21/01/2021 10:43

I have posted before but have NC and can't get the old back. I'll give background but it will sound similar to a lot. FWIW, DP is next to me writing this so it's a joint opinion/story/question.

Background: DP always felt like he had 'middle child syndrome' and that his eldest sister was the golden child, whilst younger brother was the 'baby' of the family (youngest of the cousins etc) DP is 32, SIL is 33, BIL is 29. He occasionally did say he didn't think it was just in his head and that his family do treat him differently. Eventually it became glaringly obvious, they do treat him like he's unwanted. A few years ago the Aunts/Uncles confirmed that they've fallen out over how the parents (mum mainly) treat DP differently. They said it was because he was unplanned following infidelity.

At Christmas it all came to a spearhead as once again, DP (and me) were not invited to their Christmas celebrations. DP finally confronted all the small and big things and after advice from the Stately Homes thread, went low contact.

It has been a month. No one has attempted contact (fine), infact the last person to message was DP with his feelings. However the bit that has now got my back up is this:

Since we didn't see SIL at Christmas, I sent one of DN's presents as it was clothing and about 1 month from being too small, as we won't see them for time I didn't want it to go to waste. It has been delivered (signed for) and no response/message etc.

We sent wedding invitations to his family (due to get married in July) and I had to send a message with access to the wedding website. Everyone in his family has ignored it / not said anything.

The low contact and arguments were with his parents only. His siblings have got involved and that would only be through his mum (his dad is very passive and the mum is always round the sister's every week - part childcare/socialising).

Our wedding is 30 people. It always was pre-covid. We chose intimate with our favourite people and a very nice venue which is expensive. I feel a bit peeved off we are spending hundreds per head on family who are being so disrespectful.

So - what do we do with this? Do we just wait it out? At what point would it be ridiculous for his family to attend? (I can't imagine them not being invited though)

OP posts:
Rachel1874 · 22/01/2021 18:05

I would probably give it until end of april and message to say you need to know for numbers. Just say you have back up invites to send (even if you don't). But my MIL wasn't there as she was toxic and behaved disgustingly so she was never invited.

SunshineCake · 22/01/2021 18:05

This sounds ridiculous. Either you aren't explaining things right or you misunderstand the point of no contact. Or just like self harming or drama.

Pundemmic · 22/01/2021 18:09

Unfortunately some families choose sides. It might be that the siblings don’t want to get involved or feel awkward or it might be that they also joined in with this treatment of your DH(the family whipping boy). Either way, I wouldn’t get upset or push the issue- let them go and focus on building good relationships elsewhere. Some family dynamics are too complex to untangle. Sadly, right doesn’t always prevail which is why so many people do go NC.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 22/01/2021 18:17

I thought the point of going LC was to not have to exert this much emotional energy on them? Clearly what you are doing is not working.

GreyGoose1980 · 22/01/2021 18:22

The wedding is the difficult issue and the OP explained invites were sent before she and DP went low contact. Otherwise you could go low contact OP and if they did the same the relationship could establish itself as low contact or possibly naturally move to no contact if they fail to reply to DPs text / contact you over time. However with a small wedding there’s no place for low people and definitely not ‘no contact’ relations. Even if they rsvp to the wedding invite, if they continue to ignore you in the interim; won’t that just make seeing them all on the day weird and maybe spoil it. You need to decide who you want at your wedding and then alter the celebrations to reflect this. Much as DP wants his family there he needs to separate an idealised view of this from who these people actually are and how they are going to behave towards him on your wedding day.

GreyGoose1980 · 22/01/2021 18:24

When I say ‘you’ need to decide - I mean DP and you

Covidcovid · 22/01/2021 18:26

You may have gone LC with them but I think they’ve gone NC with you. Which sounds like a blessing.

ClaudiasWinkleMan · 22/01/2021 18:29

I’d give them until end of Feb and uninvited them. If they make zero effort to contact DP for 3 months then fuck them. He’s better off without them. He can then focus on his new family.

FlipFlapFlop123 · 22/01/2021 18:30

I was wondering the same

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 22/01/2021 19:08

I'd send out cancelation cards and just invite the people you want to.
That or send out "we need your RSVP" or we will assume you are not attending cards if you really want them to turn up.

PhatPhanny · 22/01/2021 19:15

It will be a horribly awkward day if you don't talk for 6 months and they turn up at your wedding.

rumandbiscuits · 22/01/2021 19:30

They sound horrible OP and I really feel for your OH. My advice would be to leave it a couple more months and if no contact is made by them then he should AGAIN explain why he is upset and he feels his feelings are being ignored and uninvite them to the wedding. He shouldn't feel guilty for doing this. If my child ever felt hurt by anything I had done and explained why to me I would want nothing more than to make it better. I wouldn't dream of ignoring them!!!

SeaEagleFeather · 22/01/2021 19:40

Relationships is a much better place to post. I get why you're hurt, and I get that your partner's been third place all his life.

Remember a lot of people in AIBU are here because it's the place they're allowed to be unpleasant and mean-spirited.

Insanelysilver · 22/01/2021 19:56

You mention DP being a result of infidelity, So did they expand on the circumstances? Presumably your DP has a different Dad and his mum is punishing him for her affair or sis she have to take on another woman’s child ?
Whatever happened it’s terrible the way your poor DP is being treated.
As far as the wedding is concerned, I’d suggest you and your DP give it another 3 weeks or so and then send messages asking them for a response to your invitations by a certain date.
It doesn’t sound like they are intending to come anyway but they might be waiting for instructions from the MIL. Alternatively
if you still haven’t heard in a few weeks you can contact to say you are cancelling their invites as you are changing your plans.
Then you can fill up their spaces with family or friends that you actually like and who don’t treat your DP like dirt. X

Fudgsicles · 22/01/2021 20:05

I'd re-do this thread in relationships. AIBU is just an excuse for people to pull things apart and it's a shitty place to ask for proper advice.

I'd uninvite them OP. They have made it clear that your DP is not a priority to them in any way. Why would you want them there.

I've gone LC with my father, he doesn't know but there was something that was the final straw for me and past civil pleasantries at family occasions, I'm making zero effort now. If I were to get married again, I'd elope and have a party and I wouldn't waste my time inviting him now. Life is too short to try and get approval from people who just don't care about you, even when it's your parents. I'm reading Toxic Parents at the moment. It's really good and was recommended to me on here. I'd recommend it to your DP to help him.

Annalouisa · 22/01/2021 20:16

The way to end this family drama is to stop creating it. The family's (bad) treatment of your DP isn't the drama, your reaction to unacknowledged gifts and wedding RSVPs is the drama we're all following on this thread. Stop craving their attention and approval. You've established they're toxic - all the rest is on you. Only you can stop the drama. Flowers

Chicchicchicchiclana · 22/01/2021 20:20

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

I thought the point of going LC was to not have to exert this much emotional energy on them? Clearly what you are doing is not working.
True.
FangsForTheMemory · 22/01/2021 20:22

If they don't accept the invitation, uninvite them all.

BTW, there's no point in going LC or NC and expecting people to get in touch with you so you can tell them you have. LC or NC are so that you can forget them and get on with your life.

Buggersticks · 22/01/2021 20:26

I empathyse completely. I feel genuinely sad for your DP. Whatever the outcome have a wonderful wedding and a very happy life.

winniestone37 · 22/01/2021 20:28

@Hoppinggreen no NC Is name change and she went low contact- doh!

KorumamaT · 22/01/2021 20:33

Uninvite them and enjoy your day.

You can hope but not expect anything from people like this. I wish I didn’t have my mother at my wedding, but such is life.

If they came it would be crap!

Tumblebugsjump · 22/01/2021 20:49

If I could change anything about my wedding it would have been not to invite the in-laws, they came and were sour faced and snide and ruined it for me. Uninvite them.

Dacquoise · 22/01/2021 20:55

I kind of get this. Your DP has the type of dysfunctional family that are ignorers. Mine is the same. Out of site, out of mind.

They don't invite or respond because your DP is basically invisible and of little importance to them so going LC won't have made much difference. They probably haven't noticed because it won't occur to them that you want or need an answer. You have always effectively been LC with a family like this.

As others have said, you will need to be direct with them by ringing them to find out if they are coming but your dilemma seems to be whether you actually want them there. You cannot make them into people who care and I can totally understand your partner's difficulty in letting go.

I gave up on my family over ten years ago and have been ignored ever since. I came to terms with it through therapy. Time and distance also healed. Now I just don't care. Out of site, out of mind for me too even though the family have now fallen out with each other and my Dbrother turned up out of the blue recently.

Inwiththenew · 22/01/2021 21:50

I’d want the truth and to find out who my real dad is if I was him. It’s a cruel and abysmal way to treat a son.

mylifestory · 22/01/2021 21:53

You need to check out some of the narcissists groups on facebook. they will give u some home truths

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