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Original poster

Family drama - what to do now?

195 replies

pinkandrose · 21/01/2021 10:43

I have posted before but have NC and can't get the old back. I'll give background but it will sound similar to a lot. FWIW, DP is next to me writing this so it's a joint opinion/story/question.

Background: DP always felt like he had 'middle child syndrome' and that his eldest sister was the golden child, whilst younger brother was the 'baby' of the family (youngest of the cousins etc) DP is 32, SIL is 33, BIL is 29. He occasionally did say he didn't think it was just in his head and that his family do treat him differently. Eventually it became glaringly obvious, they do treat him like he's unwanted. A few years ago the Aunts/Uncles confirmed that they've fallen out over how the parents (mum mainly) treat DP differently. They said it was because he was unplanned following infidelity.

At Christmas it all came to a spearhead as once again, DP (and me) were not invited to their Christmas celebrations. DP finally confronted all the small and big things and after advice from the Stately Homes thread, went low contact.

It has been a month. No one has attempted contact (fine), infact the last person to message was DP with his feelings. However the bit that has now got my back up is this:

Since we didn't see SIL at Christmas, I sent one of DN's presents as it was clothing and about 1 month from being too small, as we won't see them for time I didn't want it to go to waste. It has been delivered (signed for) and no response/message etc.

We sent wedding invitations to his family (due to get married in July) and I had to send a message with access to the wedding website. Everyone in his family has ignored it / not said anything.

The low contact and arguments were with his parents only. His siblings have got involved and that would only be through his mum (his dad is very passive and the mum is always round the sister's every week - part childcare/socialising).

Our wedding is 30 people. It always was pre-covid. We chose intimate with our favourite people and a very nice venue which is expensive. I feel a bit peeved off we are spending hundreds per head on family who are being so disrespectful.

So - what do we do with this? Do we just wait it out? At what point would it be ridiculous for his family to attend? (I can't imagine them not being invited though)

OP posts:
lockedownloretta · 21/01/2021 11:12

it sounds you like you laid your cards on the table and then stood back expecting them all to come forward and fuss around a bit and say sorry and for things to change. This hasn't happened and so you are disgruntled.
Have you put an RSVP by date on the invitations? If they don't reply by then, plan a wedding without them. If you didn't put a date, choose a date and then do a group email saying @ as i haven't heard from you , i am assuming that you are not coming'

You can't make decisions about relationships with family members and not expect other family members to get involved. It was naive eto think that his siblings wouldn't be affected by a fall out with their parents.

Butterymuffin · 21/01/2021 11:16

Send another message (with read receipt) saying you need to confirm the venue by the end of January so anyone who hasn't replied to the invite by then will be assumed not to be coming and you'll change the booking accordingly. Word it as something you are sending to all your guests.

Murmurur · 21/01/2021 11:17

Ach. I'm sorry to say it but this low contact thing does cut both ways. Your DP has decided to limit contact with his parents, and you can't throw your toys out of the pram when someone else essentially does the same to him. This low contact gubbins usually has one side who would like more contact, and if you are going to play that game you need to understand that others can do it to you, too. I understand why your DP has these feelings, but his siblings are probably missing that piece of the puzzle and just thinking he is being hurtful to their parents.

I think all you can do is leave it a while then DP chase them up maybe with a phone call. I confess I'm a bit confused on whether you're wanting his parents and both his siblings there, or you have not invited his parents. I'm sorry you are going through this and I think you both might benefit from some counselling. Low contact is not healthy for your DP if he is still hanging on their every word wanting their attention. Some counselling might help him in redefining his relationship with them into something more adult, and moving beyond that seeking of their approval which is so central to "middle child syndrome".

OwMyNeck · 21/01/2021 11:17

We chose intimate with our favourite people and a very nice venue which is expensive. I feel a bit peeved off we are spending hundreds per head on family who are being so disrespectful

Ah stop it. You did not choose your favourite people, you can't stand them. It's blatantly clear from your posts.

You can't go low contact and then complain that the other side have not been contacting you.

Theunamedcat · 21/01/2021 11:18

Group text can you let us know if your coming please if not we have friends who would like to attend

Step back wait for explosion and ban them from the wedding

Seriously why would you want them there

Nicolastuffedone · 21/01/2021 11:19

You’ve sent invitations 7 months in advance?

feelingquitehopeful · 21/01/2021 11:20

I think you have misunderstood what low contact means op, it means that they don't get invites to weddings, christmases are not family events and they are pretty much 'christmas card' territory.

You have made the bizarre choice to go low contact AND invite them to the wedding.

In your position, I would change the wedding plans now with the covid excuse and un invite them all. Then choose a quiet, intimate wedding minus the toxic family and mean what you say about stopping this. It is so unhealthy for you and for your dh.

There is no other way. You either continue to put up with their atrocious behaviour or you don't and really mean it. The halfway house you have set up won't work.

They are not interested op. It is painful to face, but they don't care, they just don't and as hard as it is - it is better to face the reality and live your lives accordingly rather than hope for change that will never come.

FatCatThinCat · 21/01/2021 11:21

Honestly, in my experience with toxic family, you're flogging a dead horse. They will never be the family you and your DP want. They will never include you in the way you should be included. Toxic families like this never change. So dump them for good and only invite people to you wedding who love you and want the best for you.

Boulshired · 21/01/2021 11:23

One of the consequences of going NC is that there is always a strong possibility that this means the whole family or a large number of them. People try to remain neutral but it’s difficult as there will always be exclusion and although you are not asking to take sides, by being invited and accepting it can feel to them that they are.

lockedownloretta · 21/01/2021 11:23

the aunts and uncles need to stop dripping poison in his ear too

Aprilx · 21/01/2021 11:25

A 32 year old moaning about how he felt left out as a middle child is a bit pathetic really, you cannot seriously believe a parent would like their middle child less just because they are a middle child? You told them you want space and then complain when you are given space. Honestly the pair of you need to grow up.

VinylDetective · 21/01/2021 11:26

@OwMyNeck

We chose intimate with our favourite people and a very nice venue which is expensive. I feel a bit peeved off we are spending hundreds per head on family who are being so disrespectful

Ah stop it. You did not choose your favourite people, you can't stand them. It's blatantly clear from your posts.

You can't go low contact and then complain that the other side have not been contacting you.

This. Make up your mind what you want and stick to it. Low contact is a two way street.
Sethy38 · 21/01/2021 11:26

@Aprilx

A 32 year old moaning about how he felt left out as a middle child is a bit pathetic really, you cannot seriously believe a parent would like their middle child less just because they are a middle child? You told them you want space and then complain when you are given space. Honestly the pair of you need to grow up.
Tip of the iceberg re how daft this entire situation is.

I suspect the OP loves drama

MichelleScarn · 21/01/2021 11:27

My concern is that they will want to come - it is a venue they're all excited to go to which they have previously made clear
If it wasn't this venue, would they be as excited?

MichelleScarn · 21/01/2021 11:29

@Aprilx

A 32 year old moaning about how he felt left out as a middle child is a bit pathetic really, you cannot seriously believe a parent would like their middle child less just because they are a middle child? You told them you want space and then complain when you are given space. Honestly the pair of you need to grow up.
Always think when l see this type of response that either the poster is very lucky to have such a non conflict based childhood or they are the 'golden child' of the family!
gobbynorthernbird · 21/01/2021 11:29

If I've got this right, you've told people to fuck off and then are surprised that they've fucked off? And then other people who love and respect the people you've told to fuck off have also fucked off?

Essentially, your DPs temper tantrum hasn't worked in the way you both expected.

MrsKoala · 21/01/2021 11:29

Was the last contact DH sending them a message about his feelings of never being treated fairly, particularly by his mum, and then you sent wedding invitations? And have not heard back at all?

If so how do you know they are intending to come? Also if my adult child sent me a message saying I’d essentially been a shit mum I’d probably not really want to contact them or go to their wedding either - I assume mil doesn’t agree with this opinion? Sounds like she’s pissed off about it. They probably have assumed you’ve gone low contact after a message like that anyway and then followed in kind.

Also I thought middle child syndrome is the feeling of being treated unfairly when it’s not true. So I don’t think you mean your Dh has it. You actually mean your mil treats him differently. This happens regardless of position of siblings.

ArnoldBee · 21/01/2021 11:31

To be honest in this covid world if I received a wedding invite for July I would just file it and forget about it thinking it more than likely won't go ahead.

SmellyPooHead · 21/01/2021 11:32

@Aprilx

A 32 year old moaning about how he felt left out as a middle child is a bit pathetic really, you cannot seriously believe a parent would like their middle child less just because they are a middle child? You told them you want space and then complain when you are given space. Honestly the pair of you need to grow up.
It happens, believe me
tara66 · 21/01/2021 11:33

As Nicholastuff said - you sent out invites 7 months before the event? Who knows that far ahead? I though people sent out invites for no longer than 3 months ahead in normal times and especially not in these times. And as everyone has said - they have been mean to you Dh, didn't invite you for Xmas and you ''broke up'' with them; then you invited them to your wedding in 7 months time to which they have not replied. Does not look promising.

Original poster
pinkandrose · 21/01/2021 11:35

@Ozgirl75

So presumably the father planned to leave his wife and then she got pregnant and he felt forced to stay. That’s very difficult to deal with as none of it is even slightly your partner’s fault.
Mother planned to leave but then found out she was pregnant.
OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 21/01/2021 11:37

Have you got an RSVP date on the invitation? In all honesty, I think LC isn't working, NC might be the way forward now.

Original poster
pinkandrose · 21/01/2021 11:38

@Aprilx

A 32 year old moaning about how he felt left out as a middle child is a bit pathetic really, you cannot seriously believe a parent would like their middle child less just because they are a middle child? You told them you want space and then complain when you are given space. Honestly the pair of you need to grow up.
He is the only one not invited to a family Christmas, think it definitely goes deeper.
OP posts:
Original poster
pinkandrose · 21/01/2021 11:43

@MrsKoala

Was the last contact DH sending them a message about his feelings of never being treated fairly, particularly by his mum, and then you sent wedding invitations? And have not heard back at all?

If so how do you know they are intending to come? Also if my adult child sent me a message saying I’d essentially been a shit mum I’d probably not really want to contact them or go to their wedding either - I assume mil doesn’t agree with this opinion? Sounds like she’s pissed off about it. They probably have assumed you’ve gone low contact after a message like that anyway and then followed in kind.

Also I thought middle child syndrome is the feeling of being treated unfairly when it’s not true. So I don’t think you mean your Dh has it. You actually mean your mil treats him differently. This happens regardless of position of siblings.

Let me explain better!

Wedding has been planned a long time. His mum was very into changing venue to the one we went with (but we loved it too). Everyone has said they are coming, the invites went out as a formality more than anything to the friends and family.

The invites went out at Christmas. This was the same time we found out that the reason they could no longer see us at Christmas (we were hosting) was because they were going to SILs instead (and breaking the law doing so). We were never invited.

His parents have NO IDEA we are low contact. He was hesitant about doing it. The last message was actually very fair, it explained why he was hurt that they chose to cancel Christmas with us with a lie and then go to SILs and he was hoping for an explanation. He didn't get one.

No one has spoken to us since. On the website for the wedding the sister ticked that she was coming (not a proper RSVP thing but it's to access parts of the website). But she hasn't said a word about the gifts. I didn't send any other gifts but I don't think DN should suffer because of drama, she's 18 months.

I did mean that he had middle child syndrome, as in, that's what he THOUGHT it was. Until the truth came out. His mum confirmed the Aunt and Uncles story - he was the reason she stayed with the dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkandrose · 21/01/2021 11:44

Because of capacity issues at the venue (as well as the law because of covid, but that remains unknown) we cannot have more than 30 guests. His family take 6 spaces that could go to close friends who we couldn't fit.

OP posts:
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