Family drama - what to do now?

[pinkandrose]

I have posted before but have NC and can't get the old back. I'll give background but it will sound similar to a lot. FWIW, DP is next to me writing this so it's a joint opinion/story/question.

Background: DP always felt like he had 'middle child syndrome' and that his eldest sister was the golden child, whilst younger brother was the 'baby' of the family (youngest of the cousins etc) DP is 32, SIL is 33, BIL is 29. He occasionally did say he didn't think it was just in his head and that his family do treat him differently. Eventually it became glaringly obvious, they do treat him like he's unwanted. A few years ago the Aunts/Uncles confirmed that they've fallen out over how the parents (mum mainly) treat DP differently. They said it was because he was unplanned following infidelity.

At Christmas it all came to a spearhead as once again, DP (and me) were not invited to their Christmas celebrations. DP finally confronted all the small and big things and after advice from the Stately Homes thread, went low contact.

It has been a month. No one has attempted contact (fine), infact the last person to message was DP with his feelings. However the bit that has now got my back up is this:

Since we didn't see SIL at Christmas, I sent one of DN's presents as it was clothing and about 1 month from being too small, as we won't see them for time I didn't want it to go to waste. It has been delivered (signed for) and no response/message etc.

We sent wedding invitations to his family (due to get married in July) and I had to send a message with access to the wedding website. Everyone in his family has ignored it / not said anything.

The low contact and arguments were with his parents only. His siblings have got involved and that would only be through his mum (his dad is very passive and the mum is always round the sister's every week - part childcare/socialising).

Our wedding is 30 people. It always was pre-covid. We chose intimate with our favourite people and a very nice venue which is expensive. I feel a bit peeved off we are spending hundreds per head on family who are being so disrespectful.

So - what do we do with this? Do we just wait it out? At what point would it be ridiculous for his family to attend? (I can't imagine them not being invited though)

Low contact is not the great solution that some think it is - in many ways it is the worst of both worlds. You have a constant painful reminder of what you're missing out on and it's also ongoing hard work to try and stick to lowered expectations and healthy boundaries. You need to work out for yourself exactly what that means in practice, and to stick to it. However, cutting off all ties is final and that is not for all of us, no matter how difficult the situation has got.

No matter how nice the wedding venue is, I would cancel and lose the deposit. Covid is a perfect excuse - say you've decided not to go ahead with it as planned, given uncertainty over restrictions etc. And then think inventively about some different plans - there is no law that says you have to stick to traditional ways of doing things - you could have three separate events:

1. a very small (unannounced) wedding with just witnesses or maybe a couple of others present
2. a post-wedding party at a different special venue with just your friends, doing all the celebrating and memorable things you'd previously planned for your July reception
3. a visit to your original planned venue for just you and dp at some point - special weekend away or whatever

Do you think things are likely to improve before your wedding?
Surely you just tell them now that they are uninvited and then stop thinking about them

We were not low contact when wedding invite was sent.
You've already stated they've said they are coming and you only sent out invites as a formality. I'd assume they are coming in that situation. They may feel, as near family, that their verbal acknowledgement is quite sufficient. (I don't think I responded to my sister's wedding, as it was clear from planning, that we'd be attending).

We are not low contact with SIL.
You also said MIL doesn't know you have gone LC. So, no-one knows you have gone LC with your MIL. All they know is your DH had words with his mum. In that case I think you could be reading far more into their lack of response than there is.

My issue is, if we don't speak for the next 6 months, are we able to say not to come? Is it normal for them to still come?
You can uninvite anyone you wish at any time.

Agree they'll rock up, eat the food, leave and then go back to ignoring your DP.

Ask him - what's the long game? How does he see his relationship with his mum in 5 years? She won't change, so what is the point in worrying about what she will think if she's uninvited?

Has your partner had counselling? If not id recommend it. It sounds like he's feeling one thing (extremely hurt and wants to protect himself) but is doing another (still yearning for their acceptance and involvement). That's a really awkward position to be in.

If he truly wants low contact, then why only less than a month after Xmas are you both waiting for a response to the wedding? It sounds like you're both calling it low contact but still hoping for regular contact.

Counselling should help.

For now, forget their invite. Either act like they're not coming in terms of plans, withdraw the invite, or act like they are coming or call them to confirm. I think you both need to take the bull by the horns with regards to the wedding.

You are spending WAY too much time and energy worrying about what his family are doing. You are pissing in the wind.

Create a great life for yourself full of good times, make new friends for support, spend time with your family and get them to embrace him and start your own family. When your life is full you won’t have time to worry about them. Let them see that when you are not with them, your life is better.

Screw them and their bullshit.

I would send them a message to say that if they do not confirm attendance to the wedding by x date, then it will be assumed that they are not coming. It's the only way to do it. I wouldn't send anymore presents if they're ignoring you both.

My suggestion is related to the invites to the wedding.

So what if these family members are dying to see the venue. It's been there before your wedding and will be there long after so they can feck off if they think they can rock up on the day to attend a wedding celebration and eat food that you've paid for and drink drinks that you've paid for and then piss off again.
No.
This stops now.

Your DH needs to send an email to the family members who think they've been invited to the wedding saying that he must confirm numbers by X date (give them about 5 days to get back to you) and if they haven't replied to him by then, he will take that as a decline and they will not be attending his wedding. Blood relatives or not, you just don't mess people around like that.
Then offer friends these places instead.

At my wedding, I had invited friends and colleagues and the friends that showed up were ones from my primary school. None of my work colleagues showed up and my best friend from secondary school didn't either (that one stung and still does today). Have the people you want to be there at your wedding, not the ones that feel that they have to be there.

Very clear to me. Uninvite them and DH uses as a chance for fresh start.

I did, and 8 years later I've never regretted it. To dp: cut them loose and get cancelling. They've made it clear you aren't worth fighting for. They've let you bare you soul and go unanswered.

@Mummyoflittledragon

I remember your thread about Christmas. Your dp is never going to be in the right. You both need to decide what you want more: Them at the wedding or nc. He needs to get his head round the fact that they will never, ever be the people he wants and needs them to be. He cannot control them. He can only control himself. I agree therapy would be really useful.

I also read your previous thread and agree with this.

reading between the lines it feels like going LC in this context is basically sulking and being upset no one has noticed your sulk - it's very strange.

Either you want them in your lives and at the wedding or you don't - either way make a choice, act on it and move on

don;t sit around waiting for people to notice you are pissed off and getting more pissed off when they don't

Are you sure mum is the mum op.

I mean it would suck still anyway but just how close together are the birthdays of him and his older sibling...

I think this is simpler than you think it is... if you don't want them at your wedding uninvite them, you can do this at any time for any reason as it is your wedding not theirs. And if you haven't spoken to them in ages there won't be any difference in the situation between you as a result.

Did you include an 'RSVP by' date? If so, wait until a few days before and send a polite reminder. Or DH could call if he wants to.

If they don't reply, I think that's quite a clear answer :(

@pinkandrose

Because of capacity issues at the venue (as well as the law because of covid, but that remains unknown) we cannot have more than 30 guests. His family take 6 spaces that could go to close friends who we couldn't fit.

Then uninvite them, and instead have the close friends there that actually care about YOU, rather than a party at a nice venue! If they don't even realise that you're LC with them, ask yourself honestly - what do you have to lose??!!!

you cant change the way people act or behave, you can only change the way you react

at the moment your DP and you are doing what you have always done, ie trying to get them involved, seeking approval, and you are getting the same reaction from them, which is to dismiss and ignore you, change your behaviour, cut them out of your life hopefully then your life will improve

I have a sibling who wants to be no contact with one member of the family but does want contact with other members. I am so upset by his decision to go no contact with this one member that he doesn't get on with that in all honesty I want nothing to do with him.

So, someone has done something to upset your brother to the extent that he doesn't want anything to do with them.

This, in turn, has upset YOU so much that you want nothing to do with him.

The fact that you can't see that you are doing exactly the same thing that you are berating him for is really weird!

@BoyTree

I have a sibling who wants to be no contact with one member of the family but does want contact with other members. I am so upset by his decision to go no contact with this one member that he doesn't get on with that in all honesty I want nothing to do with him.

So, someone has done something to upset your brother to the extent that he doesn't want anything to do with them.

This, in turn, has upset YOU so much that you want nothing to do with him.

The fact that you can't see that you are doing exactly the same thing that you are berating him for is really weird!

Yeah well he started it.

He choose to go NC, I go LC. That's what can happen.

No RSVP no attendance. Or, send another message saying please rsvp by set date . when/if you still don't hear from them, they have uninvited themselves. simple.

I haven't read the full thread sorry but I think I remember your original post about not being invited to a Xmas family meal for the second time in a row and then the mil sending you an email meant for the sil with all the dates they were available for the meal?

To the poster who said your DP at 30 something should get over it, I have a DP a few decades older and issues with favouritism growing up is still causing him incredible grief to this day. Similar to your DP, he was told as an adult by another family member that he was less loved than his siblings due to something that happened before he was born. Sadly he didn't ever feel he could discuss it with his mother as didn't want to cause her upset, and now he'll never know. With both his parents now dead, he's trying to extricate himself as much as possible from his remaining family, but there are always some ties that bind and it seems despite the fact it would be an immense release for him, he's going to struggle to ever be completely free of it. My only advice to your DP would be to have an honest discussion with both his parents and decide from how damaging it would be keep a relationship with his family going compared to not.

Oh Pink, I can empathise with some of this. My mum and stepdad definitely favour my sister though not to this extent, and I feel the hurt you describe. It's quite clear that this won't get resolved easily or without more hurt for your DP.

What you both actually want is for his parents to acknowledge that they treat him and his sister differently, and apologise for it, then make up for it. Realistically, this simply won't happen. Even if you were to confront them about the years of favouritism, it would just be laughed at or trivialised because he's 'too sensitive'. What's really rotten here is that your DP plucked up the courage to call them out on their shitty behaviour at Christmas and rather than be concerned that their son felt hurt, they've just glossed over it and have made no effort to check on him since.

That's crap, and it's painful and I absolutely understand why you want to walk away. It's easy for people to say to go NC, but the reality is much ore complex - what if they were to get ill, what if you were to get ill, what happens when you have a family - there are so many variables to think through as the last thing you want is for everlasting guilt.

I don't have the answer but for me, we had an event where I couldn't keep quiet anymore so I told them how upset I was and how this summed up lots of other behaviours, and gave examples and my God, it felt good (though initially terrifying) to finally get it off my chest. They apologised and understood why I felt the way I did, and we moved on. Things are a little different - not massively, but I feel much more free because it's not bottled up anymore and I know, if it happens again, I walk...

Going LC, not telling them, but the waiting for the chance to not reply is just torture. They're not going to reach out - they probably haven'y noticed he hasn't bothered with them and that's absolutely appalling. I feel for your DP, but he now needs to make the choice - tackle it head on or let it go and let the distance between him and them get bigger. It's the only way he'll be able to make peace with it.

I am happy for them to be there but not if we spend the next 7 months without speaking at all - without civility or even pleasantries

Well that is quite a stark position and you've answered your own question, surely? You know in your head what you want. Now you just have to communicate it to hem.

I'm guessing that is the difficult bit. Unfortunately you do need to do it. As you say you are spending hundreds of pounds per head and it's really not a good idea to do this if they are not people you actually want there. Who are you doing it for? Is it your wedding or theirs?

You and your DP need to communicate that this is the deal regarding your wedding, and see what the response is. You're in control of your wedding - own it.

You need to be honest with yourselves. Visualise your wonderful wedding day with your DPs family there...what will that REALLY be like? If you think it will be great, message and say, "hey, why no reply, everything ok?", kinda vibe.

If, as seems more likely, they will cause upset and bring your day down, uninvite them, now and invite people you love and respect you who will want to share your special day with you.

As hard as it is to accept, the whole "blood is thicker than water" is a pile pf crap. Some families are just horrible.

If it’s so much drama why not just un-invite everyone (you could say the venue cancelled) and have a registry wedding and tell the family once COVID is over you’ll plan a reception do.