Family drama - what to do now?

[pinkandrose]

I have posted before but have NC and can't get the old back. I'll give background but it will sound similar to a lot. FWIW, DP is next to me writing this so it's a joint opinion/story/question.

Background: DP always felt like he had 'middle child syndrome' and that his eldest sister was the golden child, whilst younger brother was the 'baby' of the family (youngest of the cousins etc) DP is 32, SIL is 33, BIL is 29. He occasionally did say he didn't think it was just in his head and that his family do treat him differently. Eventually it became glaringly obvious, they do treat him like he's unwanted. A few years ago the Aunts/Uncles confirmed that they've fallen out over how the parents (mum mainly) treat DP differently. They said it was because he was unplanned following infidelity.

At Christmas it all came to a spearhead as once again, DP (and me) were not invited to their Christmas celebrations. DP finally confronted all the small and big things and after advice from the Stately Homes thread, went low contact.

It has been a month. No one has attempted contact (fine), infact the last person to message was DP with his feelings. However the bit that has now got my back up is this:

Since we didn't see SIL at Christmas, I sent one of DN's presents as it was clothing and about 1 month from being too small, as we won't see them for time I didn't want it to go to waste. It has been delivered (signed for) and no response/message etc.

We sent wedding invitations to his family (due to get married in July) and I had to send a message with access to the wedding website. Everyone in his family has ignored it / not said anything.

The low contact and arguments were with his parents only. His siblings have got involved and that would only be through his mum (his dad is very passive and the mum is always round the sister's every week - part childcare/socialising).

Our wedding is 30 people. It always was pre-covid. We chose intimate with our favourite people and a very nice venue which is expensive. I feel a bit peeved off we are spending hundreds per head on family who are being so disrespectful.

So - what do we do with this? Do we just wait it out? At what point would it be ridiculous for his family to attend? (I can't imagine them not being invited though)

Your DP needs to decide if he wants them to come or not. If not, retract the invitation. If yes, give them a deadline to respond.

The only other advice I would give is to make sure he does this, not you, and that communication with them comes from him, not you.

If, at some future point your DP and his family decide to build bridges, his family are more than likely to blame you for his email and subsequent withdrawal, as this is easier than looking to their own part in it. This will make any ongoing relationship worse, so personally I would keep a very low profile, support your partner, but make sure it's his decisions and that he communicates them, in his own words and his own way.

Yes probably it does go deeper which why I am surprised you have invited them to your wedding, is it not painfully obvious where this is going? They will rock up, enjoy your 'venue', enjoy the catering, enjoy each other's company at your expense and then leave you with the bill.

You are still dancing to their tune. Choosing a venue you knew they would like, inviting them to the wedding and trying to get them involved in the wedding via the website. You are not low contact at all.

The thing is op, you don't get to play games of low contact and then have the happy ever after wedding and bask in family love. Life doesn't work like that. I suggest you really listen to the replies on here, and cancel their invites and look up what the meaning of low contact actually is. Your dh has vented his feelings, I suggest he gets some counselling with the money you will save on the wedding and stop feeding the drama.

It is going to end in tears. Yours mainly. As they really don't care and that seed was planted way before your time. It is now time for your big girl pants and properly move on.

You are combining two separate things, I would not be expecting rsvps till the end of March at the earliest.

@Aprilx

A 32 year old moaning about how he felt left out as a middle child is a bit pathetic really, you cannot seriously believe a parent would like their middle child less just because they are a middle child? You told them you want space and then complain when you are given space. Honestly the pair of you need to grow up.

Yes just like when I said to my Mum bloody hell I will be 30 this year and her immediate response was oh no that means my baby will be 29. I did look her straight in the eye and said for just once can we acknowledge my birthday without referencing my sister (who I love to bits by the way).

I wouldn't even mind if our birthdays were close but they are 5 months apart!

Middle child syndrome is a recognised thing you know. Have a google or just have your oldest sister do a psychology degree and tell you all about it.

I think as you are low contact how bothered are you and your Dp about them attending the wedding? Don't think about them, what do you two want? Go from there. If they are not acknowledging things now why would you want them there?

So you think they don't realise you have gone NC or LC? In which case your DH needs to contact them, in a matter-of-fact way, saying either:

1 Unless you RSVP by X date we will assume you do not wish to attend and will make other arrangements.

Or

2 We assume you do not wish to attend our wedding in July so have made other arrangements

Then at least you will know.

Personally I would go with the latter - as pp have said, they evidently don't care about being in contact with you.

I’m really confused by what you actually want from these people? Normally if you send a message basically saying you can’t have a real relationship, you do that wanting to distance the relationship, not deepen it? What was the motivation for sending it—were you trying to bounce them into a big show of love? They’re trying to respect your wishes surely, if they are doing as you asked?

If you’re rejecting them and then coming after them, it comes across as confusion or game playing. You need to figure out what you want from them, and find a way to communicate that. And if you reject one family member, you have to understand that others will react to that how they see fit.

I can see why you and your dp would feel frustrated. He send them a message I assume to try improve the relationship by telling them how he feels hoping this would improve the relationship by making them change the way they treat him. Wanting our families approval and love especially that of a parent is something deeply biological and natural. However it seems unless they are willing to accept their wrongdoings they will always see it as his problem not theirs. You can now either see try low contact unless they reach out and show a sincere desire to improve their behaviour or continue the relationship accepting them the way they are and try to make do with the way they treated you. It's a hard choice as I know this too well from my own family

but the wedding is 7 months away!!!!

just let it lie
stop thinking about them, stop picking at the scab, concentrate on living your life

when DO you really need to know by?

they are not going to be contacting you-just let it lie

Hi OP

Is is shit and it doesnt sound like his fault. He wont change them though, if he has told them how he feels about left out of family Christmas and they havent even bothered to respond then they either don't see they have done anything wrong or don't care they are upsetting him. They have been like this for 33 years.

I think you've got 3 options and they are all a bit crap.

1. Go back to how you were before, accepting that every bit of effort is going to be on his side. Assume they are coming to the wedding, chase them up for a response that assumes you'll be there and say you are looking forward to celebrating with them, recognise they wont get a present or anything etc

1. Keep low contact and treat them like casual acquaintances. Accept he is not important to him and just enjoy meeting them every few months. Keep an emotional distance so it wont hurt when they aren't bothered about big events in your life. Chase them up for the wedding invite but say 'we have limited numbers and other people we have had to leave off the list, if we haven't heard formally that you're coming by x date then we will assume youre not coming and your invite will be given to someone else so let us know'. And treat them like any other wedding guest that may or may not come rather than family.

1. Go no contact completely with his parents at least, uninvited them to the wedding and tell them why but accept this will cause issues with the siblings. Concentrate on his relationship with the wider family that you say supported him.

None of these options are easy, they will all cause all sorts of difficult emotions.

Has he spoken to his siblings eg his brother about why he has been left out and how it makes him feel? What have his brother or sister said about it?

Has he had any counselling? I think he will need this to get through it. To be honest he does need to pick a course and stick to it or you will be on here every time they don't invite him to a family occasion, they don't turn up to one of your celebrations, they treat grandchildren differently etc etc

I know there is a lot more to this but the covid restrictions really do complicate Christmas. Did they say up to 3 families in the end? That was never going to end with everyone happy in grown families with 3 children. Add in-laws, sick or terminally ill relatives, babies who GPs are desperate to see at Christmas and lots of families have had to make really hard choices this year. I am dreadful at being over-sensitive round my parents but there are SO many reasons to resist taking their choices about Christmas 2020 personally.

I think your whole thinking is a bit toxic op. You know that your dp is treated quite badly enough that other family members have addressed it with his parents, yet you say you are happy for them to come to the wedding? That's warped.
He has gone LC with them, and they haven't bothered to address his feelings. Yet you are desperate for them to be at your wedding. Again extremely warped.
Why are you so desperate for these people to be in your life. You seem like one of those 'family is everything' type of people. No, some families have a toxic dynamic and you stay out of it if you can't get that. Leave your dp to deal with this as he sees fit.

You keep writing about this! Stop trying to create drama!
You come across in all your threads that you are itching for a row which no one seems to be prepared to give you.
You invited them to the wedding, they have said they are coming. If you both now don't want them at the wedding then send them a note saying that they are no longer invited. But then be prepared that that will undoubtedly be the end of any future relationship with them. However, as others have said, you seem to want a relationship with them so perhaps before torpedoing your partners relationship maybe he could do with some therapy. Both for your own relationship and his relationship with his parents. Because you sound both controlling and vindictive, kinda like he's marrying his mum!

If I received an invite for a wedding in 7months and just had a big fallout I would let the dust settle and respond nearer the time.
Irrespective of reason just sending 1 present to DN presume you left the others out is only going to make a bad situation worse.
Who's driving this feud you or DH his fault his problem you need to support him but take a step back.

Middle child syndrome is a recognised thing you know. Have a google or just have your oldest sister do a psychology degree and tell you all about it.

I know it’s a thing. I have a middle child too who feels it. But I thought it referred to the feelings of the middle child who views things differently from the others in the family. Ie my son thinks he’s treated unfairly but according to everyone he’s the most spoiled because we try to make up for his feelings. I don’t think it actually means the middle child IS treated differently, just they perceive to be. And that if they are treated differently that isn’t necessarily because they are the middle, more because the parents are just like that -as in ops case it seems to stem from an affair at the time of pregnancy rather than his position in the family.

He needs to decide if he wants them at the wedding or not.
If not, whether he is ready for any fall out from that.

I am very low contact with my parents.
At my first wedding, I didn’t want them there. Not actively hated them and they’re ruin it by being there - just, I don’t like them and they had no place. However, I didn’t want to send the kind of signal that no invitation would mean. It’s a very strong statement to exclude them - and that wasn’t my aim. I also have siblings and didn’t want awkwardness for them. So, I invited them. I spoke to them about twice a year at that point (short Xmas and birthday call) and it didn’t matter at all that there was such low contact prior to the wedding. To me, it was like inviting some random great aunt to keep your mum happy 🤷🏻‍♀️

I remarried 10 years later, and there’d been more poor behaviour from them. So I didn’t invite them. No issue for siblings.

I have no regrets about either decision.

Also I have to say... it sounds very early to be expecting replies to invitations in July. Expect lots of non-replies until a week past whatever RSVP date you put. Some people reply promptly but it's also really normal to leave it, especially at the moment I'd have thought when no one knows anything about what will be happening in July.

Did you put a rsvp date on the invite? I’d wait till after that date if you did then if they don’t respond just ignore them and get on with your life. If they do come, just get on with a happy day. Or I’d be inclined to tell them not to bother. It sounds like they are punishing your DP for telling them how he feels. They probably think if they ignore him he will apologise because they don’t see anything wrong with their behaviour. The fact that aunts and uncles have called them on their behaviour in the past shows that you DP dose have family who care.

I’m a classic middle child and only girl, my mother always treat me like a threat, never wanted me to have a relationship with my dad or brothers, she as good as told me more than once. I’ve always felt like an inconvenience. After the last and final blow up with her and one brother, the baby who can do no wrong, even his drug dealing was somehow my fault, my older brother who managed to go very low contact decades ago told me it didn’t matter what happened I would always be wrong and they will always gang up on me. He’s right and it finally sunk it they needed to get out of my life, that was over 3 years ago and life’s so much happier. It’s shit, but once your DP excepts it’s them and not him you can both both on. I swear life is so much easier without any contact or having to deal with people who don’t want you in their life or don’t treat you well.

We're you not invited at Christmas because of the Covid restrictions. But if they're not bothering with you don't bother with them. I'd send a curt note saying that as they've not confirmed they are coming you take it that they are not unless you hear from them within the next week.

@Aprilx

A 32 year old moaning about how he felt left out as a middle child is a bit pathetic really, you cannot seriously believe a parent would like their middle child less just because they are a middle child? You told them you want space and then complain when you are given space. Honestly the pair of you need to grow up.

Spoken by someone who obviously has no experience of narcissistic families.

I have a sibling who wants to be no contact with one member of the family but does want contact with other members. I am so upset by his decision to go no contact with this one member that he doesn't get on with that in all honesty I want nothing to do with him. "Going NC" has repercussions and sends ripples out to other family members. It's not even to do with sides, I can see both sides, I just don't agree with what he has done.

Seems to me you and your DP have very specific, but not exactly clear, expectations and from here it looks potentially like you could be the difficult ones.

Set them a deadline well in advance of your actual deadline. Say if they dont reply then you'll assume they're not coming and invite others in their place.
People saying they'll come is very different to actually returning their RSVP.

Sounds like his parents have turned them against you. Which is shit but not your fault and just shows what they've always thought.

So, they cancelled chrisas plans with you To go to their dds?
Your dp sent a message telling them how upset and disappointed he was and felt like they always treated him differently. You both decided this was the time to go low contact with them, but since then you have sent Christmas presents, sent wedding invites and are sitting waiting for an rsvp to your wedding which is 7 months away?

You both decided secretly that you were going low contact, but are now really annoyed that no one has been in touch for a few weeks?

I recommend no contact. My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and it has removed a lot of toxicity from my life cutting ties. But it is painful at the same time to do this. I spent years putting up with the abuse and rejection, trying to extract better treatment from my family and failing, because it wasn't something I could control.

I think your partner needs some counselling to work out how he wants to proceed and stick to it. It is painful to continue a relationship with family members who reject you in many ways on an ongoing basis. Relationships are meant to be fulfilling, not painful. Better to grieve the loss of those family relationships now rather than endure the ongoing pain of rejection over a long term period.

Thanks for clarifying OP. I think in this case you are going to have to decide what you want with what they are offering. Because it’s doubtful they’ll change. If they’ve verbally accepted the wedding and the invitations are just a formality then I’d just leave it at that. Or do a follow up message of ‘formally rsvp by x date please’.

I’d also expect people in the family who they are closer to to distance themselves too. That’s fairly normal I think. I’d step right back from all of them if I felt like you and your Dh do.

Just send a message to each of those who did not respond:

" Pink and Purple's wedding plans have changed, please ignore the previous wedding invitation as it no longer applies".

Zero explanation,  zero  accusations, and  zero unwanted guests.