Page 3 | AIBU - WFH doesn’t equal HOUSEWIFE!

Twobecomingthreeplusthedog · 2021-01-20T22:11:53+00:00

I can’t be the only one at the moment who is working from home and their partner think that effectively makes them a housewife. He works 5 days a week, then three days off, 12 hour days and always comes home to a cooked dinner. I have no issue sorting dinner out when he’s been at work that long, although on his days off he doesn’t cook either. His 12 hour days consist of at LEAST 6 hours of sitting around doing nothing. The other 6 hours is not strenuous and two hours is usually spent in the gym at work ‘for fun’ which is currently closed. I have been working from home since March 2020 and usually do around 8-9 hours a day. I tend to take a 2 hour break in the middle of the day to walk the dog, sort the dishwasher out, put another load in the washing machine and have a good hoover (currently 22 weeks pregnant also). My job isn’t physical but it’s mentally draining. The weekends during lockdown I have spent doing DIY for at least 6 hours a day most of which is pretty manual. Getting a nursery ready etc etc. The last few days he has really taken the piss. Finished early so came home and went into the gym (at home) for an hour, followed by 2 hours on his Xbox. No issue with this I spoke to family whilst dismantling office furniture in the nursery. However asked him to load the dishwasher and apparently that was being unreasonable. Finished early again today, asked me to cut his hair. I had a back to back day so took the dog for a walk at 5pm, came home and cooked dinner then cut his hair. He’d spilled water on the floor knowingly and left it so when I hoovered up the hair I also hoovered up some water which made the hoover stop working. So I felt in the right to say ‘why did you leave water on the floor knowing you spilt it?!’. His answer ‘I’m tired’. I’ve told him he has a shock coming when the baby arrives. I get 6 months full pay maternity however I’m thinking of telling him tomorrow that I’ve asked for shared parental leave so he can take 3 months off to be the house wife and look after the child and I’ll go back to work. I can only imagine being at home and not working just how little he will do!! AIBU?

Belinda554 · 21/01/2021 07:14

You want to leave your baby with someone who can’t be arsed to clean up water?

I have no advice, I had to divorce one very similar.

JohnBarron · 21/01/2021 07:14

Possibly the pp means there is no such thing as common law, so if you’re unmarried and split up you aren’t entitled to any of his assets should he own the house. There are plenty of posters on here in very vulnerable positions if they give up work to be sahm, partner owns the house and control over the finances, it leaves them with nothing. It doesn’t sound like you’re in that situation but it is something to be mindful of.

There is another thread on here by a poster who’s partner has done absolutely zero with the baby since they were born because they ‘work’. He already thinks you sit on your arse all day (charming), so be careful you don’t end up in the same situation where he also sees parenting as your ‘job’.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 21/01/2021 07:16

Yet another thread like this.

MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat · 21/01/2021 07:18

My toddler (aged UNDER TWO) goes and gets a "glop" (cloth) if he spills something.

Tell him what you've told us here. No, it shouldn't be your responsibility to have to tell him the obvious, or train him. But spell it out once and for all and if it doesn't improve? I would seriously think about leaving. If one frank discussion is not enough, then accept this will not change. He is showing you who he is - he is lazy and passive aggressive. It's last chance saloon.

BackwardsGoing · 21/01/2021 07:20

I don't hold out much hope for him to be any help when the baby comes. I'd actually recommend joint counselling before you give birth because you won't have time/will be trapped under a newborn afterwards. You need to find out exactly what he thinks he should be doing to look after you both in the early days and what he thinks his responsibility is as a partner and a parent.

OP if you are not married ensure you are protecting yourself financially in case of a split.

honeylulu · 21/01/2021 07:20

I'm not the poster but I think she's referring to the fact that you're not married and it looks like you'll do all the childcare stuff as well as housework. This probably means you'll cut your hours (not least because he won't step up with nursery picks ups etc) plus maternity leave itself slows career progression and there will be gaps in your pension provision. Lazy as he is his career and earning power will probably overtake yours once you have children.

If you were married you could divorce the fuckwit and get half (more than if child stays with you) all assets including his pension, savings etc to balance it out. Unmarried you'll get fuck all apart from child maintenance (about 15% of his salary though lots of men wriggle out if it by giving up work or going self employed). Hence financially vulnerable.

It makes me laugh when people say he treats you like the hired help. He certainly treats you like a skivvy but he's not paying you to skivvy after him. At least a hired help would get an extra wage for her trouble!

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2021 07:27

No sorry not buying the too tired. I have chronic fatigue. My body literally stops being able to carry me. I can be standing and then am stuck and have to try to get myself safely to the sofa if able or safely collapse on the floor if not. Often I can be stood leaning against the kitchen counter, unable to move or call out if anyone is in the house that can help for 10 minutes or more, unable to even collapse safely. That is too tired. Or rather fatigued. Tired is different. What he is describing is laziness because he’s bushed. It takes 2 seconds for a normal body, which is working properly to mop up the mess.

MordredsOrrery · 21/01/2021 07:34

So the best that can be said is that he's lazy and selfish?

If he doesn't think WFH is work, he definitely won't see looking after a baby as work (for you - if he does anything at all he'll expect praise as it's the hardest thing in the world and he's done you a huge favour helping you look after your child ).

You say you moved in together after six months - did he move in to your home by any chance?

SolemnlySwear2010 · 21/01/2021 07:43

I am WFH full time and have been since March 2020. In the beginning I would do housework etc in my lunch break but now I am having to homeschool our 6 year old, absolutely nothing gets done in the house and my DH would never dare mention it.

My work is very busy at the moment so never have spare time and now also trying to help a 6 year old with work. My DH comes home after 14 hour days and will put dinner on, clean the bathroom etc.

We are partners and share responsibilities and the workload - as we should

5amcrew · 21/01/2021 07:43

I think you need to turn the tables round OP. Stop doing anything for him and constantly go on about how hard you work, how tired you are and how you deserve downtime. Ask him what’s for dinner every evening. Oh and if he complains about how tired he is and how the house is never clean tell him he moans/complains/nags too much.

A friend did this recently with her DH and told him he was always moaning about how tired he was and how he was such a moaner and nagger and he promptly changed his tune.

Honestly, some men always bang on about women are nags/moaners but me are the absolute worst at this. They just try and deflect the attention onto women and we let them get away with it! I say some men, not all men.

Brefugee · 21/01/2021 07:44

We have a cleaner who now comes once a fortnight so the chores round the house are very minimal and don’t really need splitting. It’s literally just hoovering and keeping the kitchen clean

you are so wrong. It does need splitting because you both live there. So either do half a hoovering/kitchen clean job or just do the one that you really can't leave (only you know the answer to that)

You know he won't change and you're defending him so you aren't going to expect the change or change yourself. Sorry to be so brutal but that's how it looks from here.
Good luck.

Baycob · 21/01/2021 07:48

What’s his job? I’m thinking about a career change !

Stop cooking dinner until he can act more like a man than a man-child!

WhereamI88 · 21/01/2021 07:48

LOL at you thinking he will get a shock when the baby comes. He will actually do LESS than he does now. It's easier for you to take care of the baby and everything baby related. And since you're on mat leave you have tons of time to do everything. And when you go back to work, you'll still do everything because he won't know how to do it and it'll be easier if you just do it

You are setting yourself up to be martyr. Come back in 10 years when you've realized how much of your life you've wasted on that arsehole and are ready to dump him.

CakeRequired · 21/01/2021 07:53

He's basically living like he's single and you're the hired help.

Not even hired help, she is free help.

You have no partnership here op. You are free labour to him and someone to give him kids. He doesn't see you as equal.

Googlebrained · 21/01/2021 08:02

It can't just be a bit of hoovering and keeping the kitchen clean. You need to clean the loo more than once a week. Who cleans up after meals, who empties the dishwasher, who does the weekly shop. I bet when you add up all your duties it's actually much more time consuming than you realise.

I got into this habit and found that I did all the childcare on top of everything home related. It's exhausting when you're not sleeping well, which happens when you've got a young baby. I'm resentful because I never really got to enjoy the baby time because I was so knackered with running around after everyone.

If he was single he'd still have to eat, do his washing and ironing, clear up after himself etc. Don't be his skivvy. It kills love.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/01/2021 08:03

chores round the house are very minimal and don’t really need splitting

So why doesn't he do them, if there's barely anything and it takes no effort?

When children arrive, the chores around the house increase a 100fold. If he doesn't do any now, he certainly won't do any later. You have to change this before the baby arrives.

Original poster

Twobecomingthreeplusthedog · 21/01/2021 08:04

Thanks all, please don’t worry about financially. He is maxed out in his career and I am at the very beginning and bringing home twice as much as him. I get 6 months full pay and then will be going back full time to a promotion so if I ever had to leave it would be him who would be royally screwed not me!

I have made it very clear that when baby is here I will be going out one day a week and he will be charge of baby full time for that day (that won’t be his only time to step up) but I’ve also said don’t ring me and ask me what to do, you have to learn the same as I do.

I’ve made excuses for him this week as once every 6 weeks they have quite a demanding week of very physical work which has been this week and he was genuinely exhausted one evening.

I think this has given me enough confidence however to say ‘moan at me all your want but these are your choices. Step up or step out.’ I did tell him that if he continued to behave like a child I would treat him like one and he’d have to earn Xbox time. I have no intention of doing this as I’d leave long before.

This course of his is over tomorrow so I’ll see if he bucks his ideas up.

I have been very fortunate with my pregnancy in that you wouldn’t know I was pregnant. I don’t think he has yet seen what probably a normal pregnant person goes through as I have had a walk in the park. I’d like to think if I was throwing up all day his behaviour would be very different....

OP posts:

PragmaticWench · 21/01/2021 08:09

I can foresee a future where he 'can't possibly' do childcare drop-offs or collections as his 12 hour shift job precludes it, so they're all down to you OP. Whereby you end up racing around, changing your job or hours and potentially earning less to juggle this. It's not just until they go to school either, nurseries are open longer hours than schools.

I'd be thinking very hard now about how you approach this, you don't paint a picture of a partner who is going to share the load of children. That leaves you potentially earning less, with less pension and less career progression.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/01/2021 08:09

when he’s off it’s ‘because he deserves some downtime’ and doesn’t feel the need to step up.

You're pregnant, working full time, earning more and doing everything at home while he plays Xbox. Just read this. It sounds totally ridiculous, doesn't it. When's your downtime? You should be resting, you are already doing a full time job growing another human.

And the water incident is worse than it sounds. As someone wrote, every time he does something like that, he is thinking 'Fuck you, Two, you can clean it up'. Next he will be too tired to wipe his own arse.

AhNowTed · 21/01/2021 08:14

Is he jealous of your earnings and so is "keeping you in your place" cos he has a "real job" while you're "just paid more for a cushy number"?

Or he's just selfish.

Either way you need to put your foot down.

But sounds like you have the measure of him OP.

JohnBarron · 21/01/2021 08:19

If he thinks you just sit on your arse now , this is something he will trot out when you’re at home with the baby. Along with ‘what do you do all day?’ and competitive tiredness.

WizardOfAus · 21/01/2021 08:20

Just leaving this here to open your eyes. I can’t take credit for the post, I copied it from another thread.

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/01/2021 08:26

Good for you op re your post 20 minutes ago.

I know from experience, you must, must, must call him out on this now if you want to stay with him. Calmly, fairly, divide fairly, write it down if you must. And stick to it.

Otherwise you'll do far more than your share, and resentment will build, and one day you'll realise you hate him. He will take, take, take until you have nothing left to give, and then blame you for whatever falls short.

And, if he dares say you're nagging, or moaning, call him out on that too.

Good luck op, you need to do it now, and stick to it.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/01/2021 08:30

@WizardOfAus