AIBU - WFH doesn’t equal HOUSEWIFE!

[Twobecomingthreeplusthedog]

I can’t be the only one at the moment who is working from home and their partner think that effectively makes them a housewife.

He works 5 days a week, then three days off, 12 hour days and always comes home to a cooked dinner. I have no issue sorting dinner out when he’s been at work that long, although on his days off he doesn’t cook either.

His 12 hour days consist of at LEAST 6 hours of sitting around doing nothing. The other 6 hours is not strenuous and two hours is usually spent in the gym at work ‘for fun’ which is currently closed.

I have been working from home since March 2020 and usually do around 8-9 hours a day. I tend to take a 2 hour break in the middle of the day to walk the dog, sort the dishwasher out, put another load in the washing machine and have a good hoover (currently 22 weeks pregnant also). My job isn’t physical but it’s mentally draining. The weekends during lockdown I have spent doing DIY for at least 6 hours a day most of which is pretty manual. Getting a nursery ready etc etc.

The last few days he has really taken the piss. Finished early so came home and went into the gym (at home) for an hour, followed by 2 hours on his Xbox. No issue with this I spoke to family whilst dismantling office furniture in the nursery. However asked him to load the dishwasher and apparently that was being unreasonable. Finished early again today, asked me to cut his hair. I had a back to back day so took the dog for a walk at 5pm, came home and cooked dinner then cut his hair.

He’d spilled water on the floor knowingly and left it so when I hoovered up the hair I also hoovered up some water which made the hoover stop working. So I felt in the right to say ‘why did you leave water on the floor knowing you spilt it?!’. His answer ‘I’m tired’.

I’ve told him he has a shock coming when the baby arrives. I get 6 months full pay maternity however I’m thinking of telling him tomorrow that I’ve asked for shared parental leave so he can take 3 months off to be the house wife and look after the child and I’ll go back to work. I can only imagine being at home and not working just how little he will do!!

AIBU?

[RandomMess]

That's so good to hear. Actually being more active should help him manage his depression a bit better too.

[Twobecomingthreeplusthedog]

Hi all,

Thought I’d give you all an update and thank you for some lovely comments since my last post.

We had a chat and I basically told him that my only option was to put up with that for life or to leave and I would be doing the latter if he didn’t change his ways immediately. I did end up basically blabbering and not remaining as calm as I should have but hey ho.

You’ll be pleased to know that he did immediately change. He takes a while to absorb things and think about them and we then had a conversation about depression. He grew up in a very strict religious household and feelings were just not talked about, so he’s always had struggles talking about how he feels. He finally said that he felt he was depressed due to lockdown and the fact he hasn’t been able to see his family now for over a year which i do completely understand.

Since our conversation he will actively clean up around the house, he’s even taken to doing some DIY which he hates but he hasn’t complained. If I ask him to do anything he will smile and say ‘I can do that as I’m an adult now’ and we have a smile and joke about it.

Long may it continue but I am hopeful that he will and I think when he can finally see his family again it will lift his spirits a little more.

[Nogardenersworld]

Op just read all the updates and saw that not only are you managing all of that but you are financially contributing more too!
Sounds like you are very in control of the situation now though so well done!
He needs a kick up the arse!
Sounds like he’s just got a bit lazy and focused on himself over lockdown which can happen to us all!

[Nogardenersworld]

Op you are working
Doing diy
Growing a child
Caring for the dog
Doing the housework, cooking and cleaning

What is DH contributing? Ask him why he’s there and if he feels his contribution is equal to yours.

If anything it sounds like YOU are the one who will be getting a shock when the baby arrives, as your work load gets a whole lot bigger and he continues to work and do what suits him, in his clean house with home cooked meals.

[lazylump72]

OP from reading your updates can I just say you have this! You are one of the ladies I don;t worry about on mumsnet! Such a smart cookie! Don;t change! Demand the respect you are due,and remind your man that you only get what you give in life..he should be smart enough to figure out the rest,if he isnt well then thats another thread entirely!!!

[Soggybiscuits17]

You are superwoman, that's for sure!!

[Butchyrestingface]

He’d spilled water on the floor knowingly and left it so when I hoovered up the hair I also hoovered up some water which made the hoover stop working. So I felt in the right to say ‘why did you leave water on the floor knowing you spilt it?!’. His answer ‘I’m tired’.

Leaving spilt water on the floor for her 22 week pregnant wife to either slip on or clean up herself.

Nice. Quit pandering to him. You don't need TWO babies in your life.

[WilsonMilson]

I wfh, but am part time.
Dh’s job is very demanding and he works long hours. I do most things in the house, but I don’t mind and it works for us. Occasionally it gets on my nerves if he leaves an obvious job for me, like if he gets up early but yet doesn’t empty the dishwasher and leaves it for me. But generally we muddle along well and it suits us.

It doesn’t suit you and he sounds like a lazy bollocks, so I would be having a serious chat about expectations and what he needs to do.

[user1471538283]

The problem with your plan of shared leave when the baby comes is that he will not do it. You will be working and looking after the baby and doing everything else.

No one would leave water on the floor for a stranger to slip on and yet he did for his pregnant girlfriend!

[harknesswitch]

Well done for raising this with him, but I think you'll need to keep picking him up on it until he realises you're not going to drop it. He's probably thinking that you've said these things as you're hormonal and you didn't really mean it. I bet my bottom dollar he slips back in to his 'normal' next week

[whenwillthemadnessend]

Bumblebee 57

My relationship is much like yours. I tend to do most of the day to day stuff washing cleaning hoover In summer I'll potter in garden but dh will do decorating renovations car stuff all heavy Labour as I have a bad back at times.
He will cook and wash up with out asking but never does laundry unless I ask. It wouldn't enter his head either. He will make me coffee tea and we share lie ins as we have a puppy. Our kids are teens.

I'm happy with this arrangement and I soon tell him if I feel it's getting uneven

I have friends that are martyrs tho. They moan and have rows but they never do anything to change the situation

[ravenmum]

The amount of posters who say his mother did everything, he was brought up in such and such household
It's not an excuse, it's just an observation. Of course they should be able to act differently to their parents. But if your new bf's parents have this type of relationship, look out for the warning signs in him before you have kids.
Once the kids are there, you can complain all you like to your dp that their upbringing is no excuse. But many just do not and will not get it.

[WhereamI88]

No offence @Bumblebee57 but that doesn't sound great and that's being polite. Your partner still doesn't pull his weight and he has to be told, like a child, what needs doing. It may work for you since you work part time and don't want a career and don't mind being a martyr but to be honest, I'd rather raise a baby on my own than have to tell a grown man what he has to do every day. You may think you came out stronger but that's no life I'd wish on any woman I know.

[Bumblebee57]

My oh was like this when i was pregnant still to this day many years after i cant think how i put up with it some weekends he would ring at 3am to pick him up and i did it....what a fucking idiot he went out every other weekend and drank to oblivion then o was about the same far gone as you were and i had had enough i not only gave him the riot act i walked out for a whole weekend,my last words were " you want a single life with no family have fun and see how much you enjoy it and how much greener the grass is" i still dont know if he knew where i was (at my moms holiday home about 2 hours away)but when i got back he was a different man completely i mean DIFFERENT in so many ways the grass obviously wasnt any greener, he doesnt do things around the house as much as me but i work pt but on a weekend i make sure he does something....big enough to counter everything i do this includes gardening decorating making sure cars are clean basically everything i hate doing he has the pleasure of it. Sometimes they need telling even if its do you want to do the ironing or clean the cars? Closed questions where no answer is available if they say id rather do neither just answer back say me neither you wanna do both this week and il do both next week? You never go first! It might not be the best advice but given the chance my oh would do nothing because it just doesnt come onto his radar...like the washing basket is full il pull a load in would never enter his head even if he fell into the bloody basket.

Sorry for the ramblings but my oh was quite similar and quite a bit...i dont want to say selfish more in his own bubble and forgot about the rest of the world and we got through it i came out a stronger better person and knowing you dont need them is a bloody strong motivator for them trying to be apart of you and your babys life.

[WhereamI88]

If you are 50/50 on the house and you are financially independent, I wouldn't marry him until after the baby is here and he proves to be a good partner. Divorce is a pain and marriage to a lazy arsehole is just another chain around your neck.

[heLacksnotluster]

I wouldn’t share parental leave. I’d set my own personal boundaries. Come what may. Make the bed you wish to lie in for the next 18+ years.

[billy1966]

OP,

I just want to clarify in case there is ANY confusion......the fact that you allow him to make aspersions about you "sitting on your arse"...tells me you are actually so ripe to be abused.

You have accepted him speaking to you like that.

Your boundaries are non existent.

You have massive self respect and self esteem issues.

The best thing you could with your time right now for your poor unborn child would be to get some counselling....

You really need it if you have accepted being spoken to with such derision.

This is NOT how decent men speak to women.

He is scum.
He is rough.
He is uncouth.
He comes from the dregs of society.
He has zero respect for women.
He has NO respect for you.

I hope that is clear enough for you.

Protect yourself and get therapy to increase your boundaries.

Your future child really needs ONE decent parent.

[timeisnotaline]

Well done on seeing the importance of staying financially independent, and planning to ensure he gets solid periods alone with baby.
My biggest issue is that me working from home seems to give him the impression that means I sit around all day on my arse (his words).. This is a huge problem. If he thinks that now, imagine what he will think when you are home with baby. If there is even a hint of this, you will have to set him jobs to do on his baby time so he can see how hard it is to achieve. I should warn you that many men see no conflict between ‘youre lazing around all day with that baby and not doing any housework’ and ‘i can’t possibly do anything but watch tv while I’m looking after the baby it’s exhausting’

I wfh and I do very little to no housework. I get caught up in work and always have more to do so housework isn’t my job then. Dh and I fit it in other times. (We do have children yes)

[TheOneLeggedJockey]

Exactly - so what if his mother did everything?!

The OP isn’t his mother.

Contributing to the domestic work required by the household that YOU live in is not rocket science. It’s not difficult - it just requires you not to be a lazy arse.

Get on with it.

[Jobsharenightmare]

Do you mean "I wasn't offering to cook"? Or was he offering?

When you say you hope it lasts, what is it that you think he can change here? It isn't like you have suddenly awakened some new insight into how he is that will enable him to change. He knows he doesn't want to do more. So are you hoping he will change into the man you want out of fear of losing you?

[AhNowTed]

The amount of posters who say his mother did everything, he was brought up in such and such household.

Sorry but fuck that.

Once you're an adult, there is NO excuse.

Like there's no excuse for learned violence, learned corporal punishment, learned sexism, learned misogyny, learned racism.

You either blindly follow your upbringing, or have some self awareness, or any awareness, and learn from your parents mistakes.

I see this so fucking often.

[BlueGreenDreams]

You tell him all of this, not us, we can't stop him. Don't do it quietly nor politely either.

He is taking the piss. You are being too nice about it, so he's taking the piss some more.

Find that inner angry woman and let her out because if you don't put a stop to this now, he will not only carry on but get worse. There is nothing good down this path for you, act now.

[2020iscancelled]

Oh dear I’m really concerned about this.

Adding a baby into the mix is going to be so so hard.

He’s going to have to shape up or you’re going to find yourself very very unhappy in about 9 months.

[AnitaB888]

Belinda555.

"I have no advice, I had to divorce one very similar."

Me too !