AIBU - WFH doesn’t equal HOUSEWIFE!

[Twobecomingthreeplusthedog]

I can’t be the only one at the moment who is working from home and their partner think that effectively makes them a housewife.

He works 5 days a week, then three days off, 12 hour days and always comes home to a cooked dinner. I have no issue sorting dinner out when he’s been at work that long, although on his days off he doesn’t cook either.

His 12 hour days consist of at LEAST 6 hours of sitting around doing nothing. The other 6 hours is not strenuous and two hours is usually spent in the gym at work ‘for fun’ which is currently closed.

I have been working from home since March 2020 and usually do around 8-9 hours a day. I tend to take a 2 hour break in the middle of the day to walk the dog, sort the dishwasher out, put another load in the washing machine and have a good hoover (currently 22 weeks pregnant also). My job isn’t physical but it’s mentally draining. The weekends during lockdown I have spent doing DIY for at least 6 hours a day most of which is pretty manual. Getting a nursery ready etc etc.

The last few days he has really taken the piss. Finished early so came home and went into the gym (at home) for an hour, followed by 2 hours on his Xbox. No issue with this I spoke to family whilst dismantling office furniture in the nursery. However asked him to load the dishwasher and apparently that was being unreasonable. Finished early again today, asked me to cut his hair. I had a back to back day so took the dog for a walk at 5pm, came home and cooked dinner then cut his hair.

He’d spilled water on the floor knowingly and left it so when I hoovered up the hair I also hoovered up some water which made the hoover stop working. So I felt in the right to say ‘why did you leave water on the floor knowing you spilt it?!’. His answer ‘I’m tired’.

I’ve told him he has a shock coming when the baby arrives. I get 6 months full pay maternity however I’m thinking of telling him tomorrow that I’ve asked for shared parental leave so he can take 3 months off to be the house wife and look after the child and I’ll go back to work. I can only imagine being at home and not working just how little he will do!!

AIBU?

You seem to think you are being amazingly dynamic by doing all this stuff? You’re being a doormat. Start living the life you want, this sounds pants.

It won't change when you have the baby. It will get worse.

"I’ve told him he has a shock coming when the baby arrives. I get 6 months full pay maternity however I’m thinking of telling him tomorrow that I’ve asked for shared parental leave so he can take 3 months off to be the house wife and look after the child and I’ll go back to work. I can only imagine being at home and not working just how little he will do!!"

Glad you're aware now of how little he will do, multiply it by 10 and you'll be close to what you've got in store.

Pregnant and dismantling furniture...
Leaving water spills for your pregnant wife to slip on or electrocute themselves by vacuuming...
Gym, Xbox, sitting around being fed and watered....this isn't going to change when a baby arrives.

You'll need to sit down now and just ask how He sees the next few months and then when baby arrives going. It's not going to work if you go from cooking every meal, diy, housework etc etc to then saying to him the day after birth, 'I no longer do that...'
he needs to start sharing the load today.

These lazy lumps just get comfortable, even more so after maternity leave. Urgh.

Well, obviously it doesn't, so why are you enabling him ?

Presumably you haven't just met. Presumably you've been living together for a while? Why haven't you sorted this out from the start ?

YANBU

Is this layabout just a boyfriend? You should absolutely share the leave, of course, don’t destroy your earning capacity to service some guy who doesn’t give a fuck. Presumably you’re happy with the lack of legal protection you have, being legally single? ......good luck with that.

@NoSquirrels

To put it in perspective, you are saying that

He gets 1 whole extra day off a week than you and he gets all his meals cooked. He does much less in terms of household management and forward planning for the baby. He doesn’t appear to walk the dog.

What does he usually do?

Yes this. What does he do / contribute at the moment? What’s the plan when his baby comes along?

Oh don’t get me started. I’ve WFHed for years and EVERY-bloody-BODY, including but not limited to DH, thinks this means I sit around doing nothing and have endless free time to run errands, babysit, cover their school runs, supervise tradesmen, run errands, take in parcels, take on enormous PTA tasks etc.

The irony is that since lockdown, work actually has eased up considerably, to the point it is now at part time levels, but now there are loads of people around to do all those things.

Read “Fair play” by Eve Rodsky or get it on audible.

@TowandaForever

It won't change when you have the baby. It will get worse.

I agree with this unfortunately.

What do you think he’ll do on paternity leave? Because I’m willing to bet it involves the x box and gym and being a lazy fucker.

He sounds fucking useless. You would probably find it's less work for you having this baby without him.

You have yourself a lazy manchild

OP you have comtrol over this situation.

More than you realise.
Your OP may "expect" you to behave like a housewife, but that doesnt mean you have to.
Stop facilitating his laziness.
Cook food for yourself and eat before he gets home.
He wants a haircut? Either you ar too busy with furniture or you lay down the ground rules- you cut he clears up. Do you wash his clothes?

There will be a seismic shift when your baby arrives.
The amount of work you have to do will increase dramatically and you will have a fraction of the time to do that in.

My mother was a martyr too- you can oly be treated as a door mat if you lie down and allow yourself to be walked on.

He sounds useless
You’re essentially doing two full time jobs whilst he’s doing one and he doesn’t care
Unless there’s a real change then I don’t know how you can stay together

Don't wait until your child is born to redefine the boundaries and split of work in your relationship. You will cause yourself more problems.

Do it now, but not when you are angry with him. He needs to actually see how he is making you feel and want to change it, otherwise you'll get nowhere. He's your partner, not your child - communicate with him. If he doesn't listen then leave. You don't have to put up with it.

Can you stop doing everything for him - washing etc and eating your main meal in the day? You could then freeze the leftovers and defrost them as soon as he leaves the house. I’d also be looking into employing a cleaner when most people have had vaccinations.

Nothing will change when the baby arrives, that will be your job too.

He's just a lazy bastard.

He'll still be a lazy bastard when you have a baby.

What's the betting he was a lazy bastard when you were going out to work, too?

You won't want to give up your precious time with your baby. Especially to give him more time at home, playing with his Xbox and leaving all the housework for you to do when you get home. (Bet you'll be doing all the night feeds too, working or not).

@TowandaForever

It won't change when you have the baby. It will get worse.

It won't change when you have the baby. It will get worse.

This

Thanks all.

He’s not always been like this and I’ve been taken advantage of before so did stamp down hard at the beginning but this is more since WFH started.

We have a cleaner who now comes once a fortnight so the chores round the house are very minimal and don’t really need splitting. It’s literally just hoovering and keeping the kitchen clean. He recently suggested we get rid of the cleaner and WE do the work which I instantly laughed at and said you mean ‘me’ so no thanks, the cleaner is staying.

As for meals, I don’t have an issue cooking when he does a 12 hour shift but I do hate the fact when he’s off it’s ‘because he deserves some downtime’ and doesn’t feel the need to step up.

As for the furniture and DIY that honestly doesn’t bother me. I grew up with two very practical parents so am used to doing that myself whilst he still wouldn’t know how to use a drill. It’s honestly less painful to do it myself than watch him try and help and he did help when I needed to do big stuff like assemble wardrobes etc. He didn’t actually know I was dissembling furniture I chose to do it whilst on the phone to my mum as I can’t sit still.

My biggest issue is that me working from home seems to give him the impression that means I sit around all day on my arse (his words). I earn more than him and I try and make him realise they don’t pay me good money to do sweet FA. Yes my days are shorter than his but I don’t feel I ‘owe’ another 3 hours a day because he chose a job with 12 hour shifts.

I think your confirmation that I’m not BU means I’ll lay down the law hard over the coming days.

@evenBetter

Is this layabout just a boyfriend? You should absolutely share the leave, of course, don’t destroy your earning capacity to service some guy who doesn’t give a fuck. Presumably you’re happy with the lack of legal protection you have, being legally single? ......good luck with that.

@evenBetter can you explain what you mean here re legal protection? Sorry if I’m being dim I’m just not understanding. Thank you.

He spilt water on the floor and left it because he was too tired? Really?

That is either outstandingly selfish manchild behaviour or worryingly manipulative. Which one is it op?

I forgot to add:

I walk the dog every day but when he’s off we usually walk her together, normally it would just be him but given that I don’t leave the house otherwise I go with him at the moment (unless it’s raining). He has tried to get out of this a few times and I’ve put my foot down.

I did kick off about the water spill and said I could have slipped on it through his sheer laziness but his usual answer when I moan is ‘Eugh I can’t win’. I slept in the spare room last night because he’d annoyed me too much.

(For reference we’ve been together 4 years and lived together for 3.5).

@WeAllHaveWings

He spilt water on the floor and left it because he was too tired? Really?

That is either outstandingly selfish manchild behaviour or worryingly manipulative. Which one is it op?

The first one.

It will be worse when the baby comes. Looking after the baby will deffo be you 100%. To avoid doing anything and when lockdown lifted he will be at work/gym/naval gazing in fact anything rather than help look after the child. You mark my words!