AIBU - WFH doesn’t equal HOUSEWIFE!

[Twobecomingthreeplusthedog]

I can’t be the only one at the moment who is working from home and their partner think that effectively makes them a housewife.

He works 5 days a week, then three days off, 12 hour days and always comes home to a cooked dinner. I have no issue sorting dinner out when he’s been at work that long, although on his days off he doesn’t cook either.

His 12 hour days consist of at LEAST 6 hours of sitting around doing nothing. The other 6 hours is not strenuous and two hours is usually spent in the gym at work ‘for fun’ which is currently closed.

I have been working from home since March 2020 and usually do around 8-9 hours a day. I tend to take a 2 hour break in the middle of the day to walk the dog, sort the dishwasher out, put another load in the washing machine and have a good hoover (currently 22 weeks pregnant also). My job isn’t physical but it’s mentally draining. The weekends during lockdown I have spent doing DIY for at least 6 hours a day most of which is pretty manual. Getting a nursery ready etc etc.

The last few days he has really taken the piss. Finished early so came home and went into the gym (at home) for an hour, followed by 2 hours on his Xbox. No issue with this I spoke to family whilst dismantling office furniture in the nursery. However asked him to load the dishwasher and apparently that was being unreasonable. Finished early again today, asked me to cut his hair. I had a back to back day so took the dog for a walk at 5pm, came home and cooked dinner then cut his hair.

He’d spilled water on the floor knowingly and left it so when I hoovered up the hair I also hoovered up some water which made the hoover stop working. So I felt in the right to say ‘why did you leave water on the floor knowing you spilt it?!’. His answer ‘I’m tired’.

I’ve told him he has a shock coming when the baby arrives. I get 6 months full pay maternity however I’m thinking of telling him tomorrow that I’ve asked for shared parental leave so he can take 3 months off to be the house wife and look after the child and I’ll go back to work. I can only imagine being at home and not working just how little he will do!!

AIBU?

[whenwillthemadnessend]

You need to start laying down your expectations now before baby comes otherwise the resentment will build
Sex will stop and you will split anyway either because he has an affair (my wife doesn't understand me shit) or you end up hating each other through arguments

[Lordamighty]

Don’t give up your parental leave for this lazy sod, he will do F all at home while you are missing out on precious time with your baby.

[TonMoulin]

Even if you were a SAHM, ISIS behaviour would be unacceptable.

Why is he not helping building the cot and doing the DIY?
Why is he doing half of the HW when he is at home?

Being tired is NOT an answer, esp as he is going to be a father soon. If he is tired now, I’m wondering how he will feel when the baby is there
I also think you are naive. If he is doing duck all now, he won’t suddenly step up when the baby is there. He won’t suddenly be happy to be left in his own with the baby. And you might well not be happy to leave the baby with him for a whole day either!

If things are to be manageable once the baby is here, changes need to happen NOW. And I suspect you’ll also have to be always on the look out for slip ups and him starting to do less and less... laziness doens’t go away

[Twobecomingthreeplusthedog]

Thanks all.

Appreciate the brutal honesty. I think being pregnant my hormones obviously are a little wild and wanting to know that I’m not overreacting as bizarre as it may sound, is comforting.

He does take the piss and he is lazy. It doesn’t help he was bought up in a house where his mum was a full time worker (earning more!) but also did EVERYTHING and still does...

As for childcare runs, nursery is open long hours and I’ve already told him he’s doing his fair share of pick ups and drop offs and I will literally leave the house so he has no choice.

Under no circumstances will I be changing my career path, earning less or taking a different job because of him. I’d leave and hire a full time nanny before I did that for him.

I did kick off about the water spill and will be readdressing that tonight also. He’s in for a chat this weekend about bucking his ideas up and pulling his weight or I’ll be leaving before the baby arrives and he can be the one explaining to his family how he’s effed up the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

[TonMoulin]

Round of applause for @WizardOfAus (even if it’s a copy and paste)

FWIW H has been like this. I’m not here then I don’t know what to do, I can’t hear the bay etc..
And I did run myself to the ground and ended up ill.

And it felt exactly like abuse. Like I was taken advantage off on an everyday basis. It’s not ok.

[Regularsizedrudy]

Unfortunately you’ve married a twat. You can either stop doing shit for him like youre his mother 🤢 or you can leave.

[Jobsharenightmare]

I agree he too deserves down time and it isn't fair to judge someone for choosing to play XBox instead of read, or learn piano etc.

There is loads of good advice here about changing the way you think about the load you are carrying. I would add sometimes it isn't until you write down every single chore you see how much you do without 'counting' it.

Don't marry him. As the higher earner you'd be worse off when you finally realise he is more of a child than a partner.

[arethereanyleftatall]

That's awesome op. Good for you.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Equal leisure time is the golden rule (and will be when he baby is here and there is little to no leisure time too!).

I think he's preparing you for the role of 'mother of the household'. It's a weird yet common thing that happens when a woman has a baby and, deep in the brains of some men, stops being 'single, independent person' and becomes 'the mother'. 'The mother' is the home-maker and carer for all who reside within. Whether she also works outside the home becomes irrelevant.

[Goodbye2020Hello2021]

What’s his job

Well based on this from the OP
His 12 hour days consist of at LEAST 6 hours of sitting around doing nothing. The other 6 hours is not strenuous and two hours is usually spent in the gym at work ‘for fun’ which is currently closed.

I’m guessing fireman 👨‍🚒

[TonMoulin]

I think you are wrong in Thinking that the household chores don’t need to be split because there is so little left to do.
Same with doing the DIY or building the cot because you enjoy it.

Because him to being involves send the very clear message none of it is his responsibility. It means that leaving some water in the floor is ok. Why wouldn’t be if he knows he isn’t going to do any clean up because it’s not his responsibility.
Not being involved in any shape or form with preparing the house for the baby laso sends a message. That all the bay stuff is not his responsibility. You are leading, you are doing it all. At most you may ask for HELP but it’s ok for him to say NO.

The issue isn’t the amount of work you do or if it’s manageable. It’s not even that he is prioritising his hobbies and rest.
It’s the fact he doesn’t see himself as having any responsibility in the house. He sees himself as a coklodger who has a maid, a cook and someone to have sex with. But for the rest, NOTHING is important bar his own little person.

[TonMoulin]

I know a few firewomen. They don’t need their 3 days to recover for. Their hard work.
They look after their child/ren, do the housework and generally live their life as any other woman in this country.

[Goodbye2020Hello2021]

No I’m wrong... I I read ‘The other 6 hours is not strenuous’ as ‘the other 6 hours ARE strenuous’

I want to know now OP!!

[arethereanyleftatall]

I also thought firemen. I knew one. Got to work, went to the gym, had a proper lunch cooked for them, watched movies, slept.

[Goodbye2020Hello2021]

arethereanyleftatall

I also thought firemen. I knew one. Got to work, went to the gym, had a proper lunch cooked for them, watched movies, slept.

I know 2 ! Yes, their typical day isn’t strenuous in the least but when they get a bad call what they do is unbelievable.

[lottiegarbanzo]

A quick calculation for you OP, going from what you've said here.

He works an 8-day cycle (5 on 3 off). You work a 7-day cycle (5 on 2 off). He is at work for 12 hours but 6 hours is spent sitting around, 2 at the gym, so 4 hours work (if we count gym as leisure, not as necessary for his job). You are working for 8-9 hours (I'll use 8.5) and do two hours of domestic labour in the middle, so 10.5 hours of necessary, productive activity.

In every 8 week cycle (7 cycles of 8 days, 8 of 7):

He is 'at work' for 420 hours, you for 340 hours.
But your 10.5 hour day of productive activity = 420 hours.
You are working for 420 hours, he is actually working for 140 hours.

Who needs downtime, exercise time, leisure time? You.
Who owes time to the household, to get necessary jobs done? Him.

[Goodbye2020Hello2021]

It also depends on where they’re based obviously!

[MaxNormal]

Unfortunately by your attitude of not needing to split the household chores as there's little to do, not minding doing the DIY etc you are enabling his lazy bullshit. You need to have him doing 50/50 as a point of principle.

[MaskingForIt]

OP, if you’re not married, people make sure you give your child your surname. This loser doesn’t deserve to have his maker’s mark on a child that you have carried and that you will be doing the raising of.

[lottiegarbanzo]

If we count his gym time as necessary for the job, he does 210 hours per cycle.

[MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat]

As for childcare runs, nursery is open long hours and I’ve already told him he’s doing his fair share of pick ups and drop offs and I will literally leave the house so he has no choice.

I hope you're right. Genuinely.

I'm just not sure he will step up. The reason so many women end up so trapped and doing everything is because men fail. Women (as a sex class, there are exceptions) will not leave their children to suffer or struggle with a shit and lazy parent who only feeds then Hula Hoops and never gets them to school on time, or allows them to hurt themselves while gaming for hours.

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

If he does 60 hours every 8 days then he’s doing the equivalent of 10.5 hours per weekday. If he gets an hour for lunch and two 15 minute breaks then he’s doing the same hours as you. It sounds like he’s doing a lot less from what you say but for the sake of argument - he’s definitely not working longer hours than you, and you’re growing a human being as well.

Split the chores even if you don’t think there’s much - there’ll be more when the baby comes and he needs to get into the habit. Split the shopping, cooking, laundry, gardening, the lot.

[ravenmum]

asked him to load the dishwasher and apparently that was being unreasonable
I was thinking recently about this behaviour, which I used to get from my exh, and I think I've worked out why they act like it's unreasonable to ask them to do stuff like this.

If you think about it, and as they see it, it is rather unreasonable if one partner keeps giving what amounts to orders, such as "Would you clean the table?" - because it's annoying to have one person in a relationship telling the other what to do.

The thing they are overlooking about this is that normally, both partners do these things without needing to be asked. So your "unreasonable" request is only necessary because of their laziness.

My ex would give me a dirty look if I asked him to make me a cup of tea while he was in the kitchen, as if I was treating him like a slave. And I actually felt bad for asking. Now I have a bf who acts like any normal person, and offers me a cup of tea. I don't need to ask.

My ex's mother was a doctor with her own practice who worked considerably longer hours than her husband, but also did all the housework. I do think this behaviour gets passed down.

[lottiegarbanzo]

All that sitting around at work time is ideal for him to take the lead / do the tedious drudgework of researching baby stuff, isn't it! Pushchairs, slings, child development, approaches to sleeping and weaning.

He could easily put a few spreadsheets / shortlists / ideas together to talk through with you.

In fact, assuming he's allowed personal electronics in his working down-time, he could take charge of all the household admin; bills, planning holidays, menu-planning and online shopping. Fantastic!

[Hoiking]

He'll make it so you are scared to leave the baby with him. He will be purposely incompetent, "can babies have coffee??" Or saying he will mow the lawn with baby under one arm etc.
Don't underestimate how much the hormones will make you crazy after the birth, he will know you are vulnerable and max out his chances to push the work onto you.