AIBU - WFH doesn’t equal HOUSEWIFE!

[Twobecomingthreeplusthedog]

I can’t be the only one at the moment who is working from home and their partner think that effectively makes them a housewife.

He works 5 days a week, then three days off, 12 hour days and always comes home to a cooked dinner. I have no issue sorting dinner out when he’s been at work that long, although on his days off he doesn’t cook either.

His 12 hour days consist of at LEAST 6 hours of sitting around doing nothing. The other 6 hours is not strenuous and two hours is usually spent in the gym at work ‘for fun’ which is currently closed.

I have been working from home since March 2020 and usually do around 8-9 hours a day. I tend to take a 2 hour break in the middle of the day to walk the dog, sort the dishwasher out, put another load in the washing machine and have a good hoover (currently 22 weeks pregnant also). My job isn’t physical but it’s mentally draining. The weekends during lockdown I have spent doing DIY for at least 6 hours a day most of which is pretty manual. Getting a nursery ready etc etc.

The last few days he has really taken the piss. Finished early so came home and went into the gym (at home) for an hour, followed by 2 hours on his Xbox. No issue with this I spoke to family whilst dismantling office furniture in the nursery. However asked him to load the dishwasher and apparently that was being unreasonable. Finished early again today, asked me to cut his hair. I had a back to back day so took the dog for a walk at 5pm, came home and cooked dinner then cut his hair.

He’d spilled water on the floor knowingly and left it so when I hoovered up the hair I also hoovered up some water which made the hoover stop working. So I felt in the right to say ‘why did you leave water on the floor knowing you spilt it?!’. His answer ‘I’m tired’.

I’ve told him he has a shock coming when the baby arrives. I get 6 months full pay maternity however I’m thinking of telling him tomorrow that I’ve asked for shared parental leave so he can take 3 months off to be the house wife and look after the child and I’ll go back to work. I can only imagine being at home and not working just how little he will do!!

AIBU?

[ravenmum]

My ex simply didn't come home on time. I had to take the kids to work with me.

[Beautiful3]

I'm really sorry but I kind of think its your fault. You're doing so much for him what he now just expects it. You have to stop. I wouldnt be getting dinner ready for him!! I would be either asking him to help cook or tell him that mon, wed and fridays are always his turn to cook. Please stop doing so much and share it with him evenly.

[Whydidimarryhim]

He’s taking the piss and you are enabling and excusing him.
You have already had to pull him up once on his laziness - you will continue to need to do this with him - he will tut, roll his eyes, sigh, call you a nag, ignore you whilst you get more depressed with his behaviour.
Yes his job can be hard but isn’t everybodies. We are all tired but we need to get on with it - not slip off to play his Xbox for 2 hours.
I’d give him one more opportunity.

[Twobecomingthreeplusthedog]

I haven’t had time to read all the latest comments but just to say, he isn’t a fireman.

As for assembling the cot etc he will do that, I was actually dismantling my work desk not that it’s relevant.

Interesting way of working out the actual hours I will write this down and share it with him. He isn’t supposed to have his phone on him during his working hours although they all do. If I’m completely honest I don’t actually know what he does with that time...but it certainly isn’t anything that benefits me or the household.

As for surname, LOL if I marry him I’m not even taking his name so the baby definitely isn’t. It will be double barrelled for that reason.

Some of you are absolutely right, this is my fault. I have done all the house management from the beginning. This kind of happened as I’d already owned my own home so knew what I was doing. But I did realise when remortgaging that if I died he would have no idea who any of our bills are with etc.

As much as it isn’t fair on baby or on me, if he does piss about with nursery times, he will be collecting baby when the nursery is closed and he can deal with the wrath of the staff, not me.

I will be having some harsh words when he’s home this evening...!

[lottiegarbanzo]

Also, when you have a baby, it's very, very easy for one of you to become 'the expert' at nappy changing, making bottles or whatever; simple tasks; just because you've done it twice more than the other person, in the first week. Then the 'second' person will forever be uncertain, checking they're doing it right, deferring to you and leaving it to you. They can quickly become incapable of looking after their own child.

That will bite you on the bum when you want, or need, to go away for a few days (and every day, in smaller ways, of course).

Being a capable, busy person is great. It's great for your career and for your ability to function independently. It is possible to be too independent in a partnership though.

If your DH is to become a father and form a relationship with his child. He needs to be given the space and responsibility to learn for himself, by doing, just the same as you. You need to give him the space to do that.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Quick question because this tends to go hand in hand, but are you married? I'm assuming it's been discussed if not, is he keen? Whose surname will the baby have?

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Sorry cross posted, just seen your reply re:marriage. Glad to hear baby won't just have his surname. Quite honestly, in your position and him not pulling his weight I wouldn't marry him.

[HaroldMeeker]

Good grief, he's a right catch, isn't he? How on earth do women find men like this attractive? OP, you're so right to knock it on the head, but be prepared for him to pay lip service and actually do nothing. I can't believe he left a spill for his pregnant partner to clean up.

[RandomMess]

Tell you both need equal leisure time!!

[MordredsOrrery]

Ah, so he did move into your home, and quite quickly. Is he now on the mortgage and/or deeds?

And you say you are the best thing that's ever happened to him; but it's not your job to rescue him and you are not responsible for him whatever his situation/your relative situations when you met.

Good luck with your conversation later.

[RandomMess]

He has been brought up in a misogynistic environment and us carrying that on.

Man does paid work and everything else is the little woman's work.

I would be having relationship counselling now before the baby is here and fast.

He will 100% expect you to do everything you do now plus everything for the baby. It's going to be a shit show.

You are growing a baby yet he is somehow more tired than you???

He is lazy and utterly selfish.

[Peanutbutteryogurt]

I vote YABU because you can't actually consider leaving a previous baby home with such a useless twat.

[Annasgirl]

@Narniacalling

I mean surely you knew this about him.
I’ve dated men like this. And it’s never gone beyond dating. I wouldn’t see them as a life partner
Why did you think he was going to be a good life partner for you

This. Why does anyone think a man will change? I am thinking of developing a programme for schools which will teach girls the life lesson - a man will not become a better partner once you have a child with him.

[Triffid1]

It doesn't actually matter what job you do or he does. When you're at work, you're at work. When you're at home, you both need to pull your weight. He sounds like an awful human being - I am sorry, but anyone who leaves spills lying around which is messy, dirty and dangerous is not someone I have any time for.

DS is 9 and he's learnt that if he spills something he has to sort it out or call us if he can't manage by himself. He learnt this lesson when him and a friend spilt water in his bedroom and ignored it. I came in, spotted it, muttered irritably and got down to clean it. At which point DH came in and rather than shouting, he was so furious he went quiet and said to DS, "So YOU and YOUR friend made a mess, you didn't bother to clean it up and now your MUM is on her hands and knees while the two of you play Play Station?" He sent the friend home and had strong words with DS. Because he's a normal, responsible man who gets that leaving mess for other people is rude and disrespectful.

I'm not optimistic that this is a man who will step up. I envision him coming home after his long tiring 12 hour shifts and telling you he can't take baby/bath baby/change baby/make dinner/tidy up because he's so tired and you've been at home doing nothing all day....

[ICouldHaveCheckedFirst]

You are 22 weeks pregnant. You are only going to become more tired from here on in. He needs to start stepping up now if he's going to change his ways. If he doesn't, this isn't going to end well - for you.

[PurpleMustang]

Can I just say well done that you have your self financially secure and are wise to the unmarried pitfalls. Apart from this issue that you have, you do seem very well ahead of telling him you expect him to be a proper parent. Good luck

[Twobecomingthreeplusthedog]

@PurpleMustang

Can I just say well done that you have your self financially secure and are wise to the unmarried pitfalls. Apart from this issue that you have, you do seem very well ahead of telling him you expect him to be a proper parent. Good luck

Thank you that’s really kind

As for whoever asked about it being my house and him moving in, nope. I moved in with him and colleagues and we rented for a year then bought this house 50/50. Everything including bills have always been 50/50. I earn more so I pay for the dog (again we got her together but she was 100% MY dog and I agreed prior that I would pay for anything for her).

Not married, engaged and we’re supposed to be getting married next summer but due to covid been delayed a year.

As for ‘why did you think he would change’ I’m assuming you haven’t read my previous posts. Been together 4 years and it’s only since I’ve been WFH the last year that this has been the case, so he changed not my expectations.

He did grow up in a very misogynist household and he’s aware of it. I often tell him his mother doesn’t live here. It’s the reason from day one that I clamped down so hard as I knew he would be used to it.

Thankfully I’m having a boy who absolutely will not be raised the same!

[billy1966]

OP,

You sound like a bright women career wise but goodness me you have landed yourself such a dud but really don't seem to get it.

Have you any idea how truly dreadful it is to make a wet mess on the floor and leave it for your pregnant girlfriend to clean up?

The mind boggles.

What sort of background and upbringing do YOU have that you would think this is even vaguely acceptable?

Such a level of disregard and disrespect is astonishing.

You are full of guff that this is all suddenly going to change when the baby arrives, and I mean that kindly.

No man who truly loved and cared for the mother of his soon to arrive child would behave in such an awful manner.

He sounds rough, uncouth and that he comes from a deeply dysfunctional family.

That you actually believe that this will evaporate when the baby arrives is both sad and heartbreakingly naive.

The best thing you could do for yourself is read some of the threads on MN "I've had a baby with a lazy waster who doesn't do a thing for me or the baby".......because that is what is in front of you.

He will do anything you ask badly, and put the baby at risk, so that you won't trust him.

When he left that water for YOU to clean up,... he told you EXACTLY who he is, and he told you, EXACTLY what he thinks of YOU.

Never forget the water on the floor because it should be the biggest wake up call of your life.

[RandomMess]

You need to clamp down again very very very hard and tell him he is taking the piss and you will not be marrying him any time soon as this is clearly the real him.

[ravenmum]

I had the same experience as you, OP - my ex used to do stuff when we were first together, and it was only when I was at home first as a SAHM then WFH) that he slipped into the same habits as his parents.
Advice that you shouldn't have had a child with this person isn't a great help at that point.

[Twobecomingthreeplusthedog]

@ravenmum

I had the same experience as you, OP - my ex used to do stuff when we were first together, and it was only when I was at home first as a SAHM then WFH) that he slipped into the same habits as his parents.
Advice that you shouldn't have had a child with this person isn't a great help at that point.

Tell me about it also doesn’t help that his sister is a massive pushover with a full time job and 3 kids too so complaining to her gets you nowhere. His mum is actually more understanding and pretty sure she told me before to leave him and not sure she was joking.

You are right that the water on the floor is a wake up call and also not called for. In all honesty I think he actually thought the dog would lick it up but I left it and refused to clear it up I certainly didn’t bow down to him. The irony is he trod in it in the dark this morning when he was just about to his boots on and needed to change his socks at which point I just said ‘well that’s karma for you..’

I have text him today and will broach the subject this evening with seriousness because I’m not going to bottle up stress for the baby’s sake or for my sake and I’m certainly not leaving him to change when the baby arrives.

You’re right, he may well be useless when the baby arrives but I will 100% leave him with it and he can learn or he can ring his mum (who is 300 miles away) to ask what to do. He will learn to swim the same as everyone else. If at any point the child is in danger, he’ll be collecting his belongings from the front drive.

[MaskingForIt]

@Annasgirl Why does anyone think a man will change?

As the saying goes, a man marries a woman and hopes she won’t change, whereas a woman marries a man and hopes he will.

Obviously, NAMALT, etc.

[KatharinaRosalie]

As much as it isn’t fair on baby or on me, if he does piss about with nursery times, he will be collecting baby when the nursery is closed and he can deal with the wrath of the staff, not me.

Or he doesn't show up and his phone was ..oops..out of battery, total accident of course..

[JohnBarron]

Nurseries tend to charge when you show up late too.

[BackwardsGoing]

The problem is, you read the riot act, he improves for a while, you have a baby, he drifts back to his old ways, you're tired and baby wrangling. Then you explode again, he improves long enough to have another baby. Rinse and repeat and before you know it you've wasted decades of your life stuck unhappily with a selfish manchild.

OP, make sure you know your limits and stick to them. Good luck.