Would you purposely have a baby before marriage?

[badnews21]

Info:

Wedding this year but will probably be postponed (already moved it from March 21 to Nov 21) - added complication is that parents live overseas so even if we wanted to do something small our parents probably couldn't come which would be very hard

We are 33 and 35 and I have mild endometriosis

Would waiting 10 months make a huge difference to conception times?

I am already massively struggling with lockdown etc so the fear of unsuccessful TTC terrifies me as I struggle with my mental health

If you think that you'd obsess over it in lockdown to the point of risking your mental health I would wait until the end of the year.

I would wait (especially if you are the 33 year old).

There’s no earthly way of knowing. It might take a month it might take 10, both are within the bounds of normal.

Don’t wait if you don’t want to. Personally, I wanted to be married- for legal and financial protection purposes, not societal ones.

Good luck either way.

I did. We knew we’d get married one day but really wanted a baby so did that first.

Sorry added info - I 100% want children one day but I am not desperate for a baby right now (it scares me in fact) but I would hate to miss my chance

I purposely wouldn't.

I’d have a registry office wedding ASAP then crack on. Proper party at leisure when everyone can get together.

Personally, no I wouldn’t. Once you have children, your time is not your own in the same way. I enjoyed my wedding and honeymoon and the early days of marriage and I wouldn’t have wanted the strain of a new baby. I’d wait the 10 months and TTC right away. It isn’t something I’d want to be doing now if I had the choice. The 10 months isn’t going to make a massive difference in your fertility (I don’t have endo but I did have a baby at 37).

Your update changes things some what!

Get married first.

I would wait hun especially with the current situation with covid...your still only 33 so plenty of time...I would enjoy married life for a bit then have a baby...myself and husband waited for over a year after being married and went on holidays and weekends away etc as your life is completely different once you have a baby but obviously in a good way xxxx

We discovered we had to pay for IVF so spent our wedding money - and several thousand more - on having our son. We got married when he was 3, it was a small, fun ceremony with buffet and knees up after and cost us 2k in all, a fraction of what we paid for IVF. Our boy is worth it a million times over.

I'd definitely go for the baby now. If you'd rather be married first, then my vote is for a registry office wedding now, baby, then big party later on.

Personally I'd get the legal bit done ASAP before ttc then have a ceremony / party with family at another date

No my friend was desperate to get married, she got engaged then had a baby and marriage hasn't been mentioned for ages and baby is nearly 2... I think if you have a baby first the wedding very often gets delayed and sometimes put off completely. I'd get married first if its important to you!

Do you mean mild endo as in not a lot of deposits visible to the naked eye or mild symptoms of endo? Sorry to nitpick but that part is really important. You can have very mild or no symptoms of endo and be riddled with it depending on where it is. This could massively affect your fertility and you are over 30.

My endo was not diagnosed and I was just on the pill to control my "horrifically painful" periods. I spiked high blood pressure, had a week long migraine and had to come off the pill. Within the space of 18 months my fertility was fucked as the endo rampaged through my body. I endured a massive amount of meds including a chemical menopause to try and sort it out and was told I would need IVF. I was 28. I was told by my gynae that I was the right side of 30.

This is something you will need to talk to your consultant about. If you 100% want a child then you could be risking it by delaying. Every person is different and I would seek medical advice.

I will tell you that I was told by my consultant to try for a baby immediately as I would need IVF there was no danger of me actually falling pregnant but they had to note I was trying. I had been married for years, had a stable job, a home and an amazing husband. It still scared the absolute shit out of us. I didn't need IVF, I miraculously got pregnant within a month of trying.

I should say, usually I would say marriage first, always, but the endo possibly changes the time scales.

You did ask- so I'd say you're not in a suitable frame of mind to have a baby. Maybe you will be later.

Always get married first. Babies second. You don't want to be coming on here in a few years time with two kids, not married , no job, living in a house that your partner owns and he's telling you he doesn't want to get married - and we will all say you were warned!!

@LonelyBlueBauble I do have symptoms like heavy periods / pain but have never been on the pill.

I have a cyst on one ovary which they say means I have it but other ovary and uterus look ok.

They guy doing the ultrasound said don't wait if you don't have it and the consultant said up to me - might be a few months, might be longer.

IVF veteran here...
I’d come off contraception now, see what happens, agree that if you do get pregnant you will do reg office trip to formalise legalities & do a party later. If you do do that you don’t even have to tell people you’ve done the legal thing- just focus on having the wedding later as big/ small as you like & Covid permits. Our legal wedding was 5 people at lunch time- our actual wedding as far as everyone was concerned was a big ‘wedding’ 6 months later with dress/ ceremony etc. No one knew or cared that we were already legally married.

carry on with wedding plans in the meantime- if nothing happens on baby front or you are early stages of pregnancy you can still (gasp!) have a wedding..

If there is a fertility issue you need to have been trying for a while before they even investigate. Investigations take ages. It’s not fun. If you have endo I’d get cracking.

@kilburnfrenchie good point.

I'm considering paying for private fertility testing to see if we are up against anything else.

I'd do a quickie registry office marriage and TTC straight away - I never expected to be peri-menopausal at 35, I had no idea that could happen, my mum conceived at the drop of a hat.

I wouldn't TTC before marriage though unless you have substantially more assets/income.

i have mild endo - to point were my periods aren't even heavy - i still m/c first and took 14 months to conceive second so first child born 2.5 years after we started trying and i was 26! we got married between both kids

but i never wanted big wedding - only 15 came

if you want a big wedding id wait as your priorities will change afterwards

[quote badnews21]@kilburnfrenchie good point.

I'm considering paying for private fertility testing to see if we are up against anything else.

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Definitely a good idea, but my infertility was "unexplained" at 31 (normal test results), then it dipped massively between 34 and 35.