Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you purposely have a baby before marriage?

153 replies

badnews21 · 20/01/2021 20:34

Info:

Wedding this year but will probably be postponed (already moved it from March 21 to Nov 21) - added complication is that parents live overseas so even if we wanted to do something small our parents probably couldn't come which would be very hard

We are 33 and 35 and I have mild endometriosis

Would waiting 10 months make a huge difference to conception times?

I am already massively struggling with lockdown etc so the fear of unsuccessful TTC terrifies me as I struggle with my mental health

OP posts:
HibernatingTill2030 · 20/01/2021 20:59

I personally wouldn't, but it's up to you really (and your partner, of course!).
Can you get a quick registry wedding ASAP and then a big "do" later?

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 20/01/2021 21:01

I would wait, plenty of time at 33.

Maternity services are not the same at the moment and I think it would be really stressful.

LonelyBlueBauble · 20/01/2021 21:02

@badnews21 I also had cysts on my ovary, they cannot see endo deposits on an ultrasound, the only definitive way to be diagnosed is by a laparoscopy and they NHS will only go down that route when they absolutely have to. An surgery can lead to adhesions which can make it all worse. I had private healthcare so had a laser lap and dye where they laser deposits and flush dye through the fallopian tubes to see if they are blocked.

So that ovary I had a cyst on was absolutely covered in endo deposits as were my bowel and some of my ligaments. I was told that they were not even sure my left ovary was working ie releasing eggs. Like I said they did not even see that on my ultrasound.

You can have mild symptoms and be riddled, you can be in agony and have teeny amounts of endo deposits.

MenoMom · 20/01/2021 21:02

As you have endo might be best to TTC now - it can cause complications with conception. I was told by a consultant that could have problems conceiving due to endo, though didn't in the end. If you get pregnant you can get married before the baby arrives.

ArtfulScreamer · 20/01/2021 21:02

Truth be told it would depend on my financial position. I started TTC with my now DH before we were married but I was the home owner with the secure job and pension, he on the other hand is self employed with no savings so marrying him has bought me no security but we were married at the point we had DD and I do like the fact we've all got the same name.
What's your financial position? Are you equal home owners? Do you earn equal amounts in a job you can return to on similar or slightly reduced hours to keep your career and earning potential on an even keel?
A lady I've come across through my work lived the high life in a beautiful barn conversion that her self employed builder of a partner owned and converted, she was a SAHM to their 2 children at the point at which he tired of her he kicked her out and the children (he's a real peach of a chap) and she ended up in temp accommodation as she had to declare herself homeless, as they weren't married she was entitled to nothing other than CMA which because he was self employed and fudged his books barely bought them a weeks shop.

Snapsnapcrocodile · 20/01/2021 21:03

Completely agree with @kilburnfrenchie. Sound advice. We waited and I wish we hadn’t. You need to have been trying a while before anyone can help you, and the whole IVF process can take years. I would get cracking,

Hankunamatata · 20/01/2021 21:04

Being married before children was very important to me so I would do a registry office quicker asap then start trying. Otherwise run risk of constantly pushing wedding date as your pregnant, then don't want to do it too soon post baby then finances are tight etc.

LonelyBlueBauble · 20/01/2021 21:05

To those advising to wait, do you know what endometriosis is and how badly it can affect your fertility?

JaninaDuszejko · 20/01/2021 21:05

Get married before getting pregnant, you don't want to end up like this recent poster. Have a small civil ceremony then when the pandemic is over you can have the big party with your family if that's what you want. But TBH I really wouldn't want to get pregnant in a pandemic, I know there's no good time to get pregnant but there's definitely a bad time and that's now.

flowerycurtain · 20/01/2021 21:06

I'd go for a quick registry office do, try for baby and then have a blessing and party when allowed.

Original poster
badnews21 · 20/01/2021 21:06

@LonelyBlueBauble sorry to ask but do you know a lot about it all? It was through private healthcare so perhaps I should push for the tube checking you mentioned.

This is what I was told if anyone happens to know more"

"On ultrasound scan her uterus appeared normal and the endometrium was secretory. The right ovary
contained a haemorrhagic corpus luteum and was mobile on palpation. The left ovary was enlarged by a
unilocular cyst with ground glass fluid suggestive of old blood which was surrounded by healthy ovarian
tissue. This ovary was tender on palpation, appeared adherent to the pelvic side wall and the appearance
of the cyst was consistent with an endometrioma.
On palpation with the ultrasound probe the vesico-uterine pouch and the pouch of Douglas appeared free of
adhesions.
The anterior wall of the recto-sigmoid colon, urinary bladder and pelvic ureters appeared normal. The
posterior vaginal wall and uterosacral ligaments were not thickened"

OP posts:
Figgyboa · 20/01/2021 21:08

I would marry first.

Original poster
badnews21 · 20/01/2021 21:08

Sorry to drip feed, trying to answer all the questions - he earns £150k, I earn £50 and he owns the property we live in outright from before we met. So financially I'd really not want to not be married. I do have my own savings.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 20/01/2021 21:11

Tiny registry office wedding now
Then TTC
And plan a big wedding celebration for whenever you can have it (you could include a humanist ceremony as well as a reception if you want it to feel more official)

I wouldn't get pregnant before being married but I wouldn't delay either, not in your shoes. Are you hoping to have more than one child? There are lots of possible reasons you might not be able to pop out a few kids in quick succession!

WhereamI88 · 20/01/2021 21:14

Try for the baby, why wait? Are you afraid your future DH will back out the marriage? And getting married doesn't make your relationship bullet proof. This isn't like the case of relationships where the man hasn't committed to marriage yet. Your fiance is ready to marry you, why risk not having children? If the legal side is so important before conceiving, do it now, and have the party with your parents later.

What I'm saying is you need to figure out why you are getting married. If it's a solid relationship and you just want the lovely ceremony with your family there, there's no reason to not have the baby now and marry in a year's time. If the legality is important, get married asap without the family and the party

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 20/01/2021 21:15

@badnews21

Sorry to drip feed, trying to answer all the questions - he earns £150k, I earn £50 and he owns the property we live in outright from before we met. So financially I'd really not want to not be married. I do have my own savings.
Do not get pregnant before you're married if this is the case!!
WhereamI88 · 20/01/2021 21:17

I really don't think you can compare this situation with a woman who had 3 children with a man who has said outright won't marry her. This man is by all accounts committed and they are just looking at delaying the ceremony because of the pandemic. She has fertility issuesand wants a baby. I'd start trying now.

Thirdlifecrisis · 20/01/2021 21:18

I'm about to have a baby before marriage. The plan was marriage first but we haven't got around to it. It's worth noting we own the house together, and I earn more and have more savings so I'm in a very secure position.

If I was considering being a SAHP and had no claim to the house etc I'd definitely get married first. If youre financially independent and plan to stay that way I don't think it matters in the short term.

ArtfulScreamer · 20/01/2021 21:19

In your financial position I'd absolutely want to be married before having a baby it doesn't need to be a fancy pants wedding just a legal one and then crack on with TTC. My DD took us 5 years and a round of IVF so I wouldn't delay that either as infertility is unfortunately a long game and the sooner you start playing the better.

cheesebubble · 20/01/2021 21:21

You have to make that decision.

I purposely did, two children before getting married but both had good careers, had been together for 10 years, owned a house together. It was never important to me, still isn't, marriage changed nothing for me personally.

Osirus · 20/01/2021 21:25

@TheGoogleMum

No my friend was desperate to get married, she got engaged then had a baby and marriage hasn't been mentioned for ages and baby is nearly 2... I think if you have a baby first the wedding very often gets delayed and sometimes put off completely. I'd get married first if its important to you!
Yes, but having our very planned for baby (IVF) brought the idea of getting married forwards, rather than delay it. We knew we would be married one day, but a baby was our priority with infertility. We married when child was a year old.
MaskingForIt · 20/01/2021 21:26

Register office wedding now, start TTC, have a big party with a non-legal ceremony later.

Greenknees · 20/01/2021 21:29

We had our wedding postponed due to covid and I decided (DP was happy to start trying or wait - he said it was up to me) to start trying for a baby as I'm late 30s and would forever resent our wedding day if it meant I missed out on a baby. We do have a toddler already, and I earn fairly similarly to DP and have far more equity in our house so the situation is different. I got pregnant very quickly and count my lucky stars for that - even if it does mean I'll have a 4 month old and be breastfeeding on my wedding day! Honeymoon will be a different story too and hen do not happening either but in my opinion it is entirely worth it.

MrsRosiieP · 20/01/2021 21:30

I wouldn’t wait. If you’re dying to be a mum I’d start trying now. You never know what can go wrong. People saying ‘you’re 33 plenty of time’ just piss me off.
I’m 27 and have had miscarriage after miscarriage and nothing to explain it.
We were also going to get married this July but looks like we’ll have to postpone as we have overseas family who wouldn’t be able to make it.
You can start trying now, doesn’t mean you’ll fall straight away.

Bluesername · 20/01/2021 21:30

In your situation, considering your age and the endo, I would say have a small wedding soon and definitely TTC straight away.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread