Would you purposely have a baby before marriage?

[badnews21]

Info:

Wedding this year but will probably be postponed (already moved it from March 21 to Nov 21) - added complication is that parents live overseas so even if we wanted to do something small our parents probably couldn't come which would be very hard

We are 33 and 35 and I have mild endometriosis

Would waiting 10 months make a huge difference to conception times?

I am already massively struggling with lockdown etc so the fear of unsuccessful TTC terrifies me as I struggle with my mental health

So many scary stories on this thread and I totally understand, its life changing to go through infertility. Just to inject a positive endo story for good measure, I was diagnosed with stage 4 had to undergo a 5hr surgery including a bowel resection, was riddled essentially and when we tried for a baby 12 months later we conceived on the first go.

Often infertility can mean endometriosis but not always does endometriosis mean infertility.

Also, we are not married which I’m not going to lie does sometimes feel a little concerning from a financial security point of view and also, the likelihood of a proper wedding happening anytime soon after baby is really low as genuinely, you just don’t have the time, it’s suddenly so low on your priorities

In an ideal world l would have got married first but actually wasn't planning on doing either....got pregnant so focussed on that then when dd was about 3 we decided to tie the knot - it's 2021 you don't have to be married first - times have changed and actually the window of opportunity for having a baby will close, you can get married any time. Assume you are financially independent? Joint house etc? I am not saying don't get married but as someone who had secondary infertility, l know the heartache it can cause if you don't manage that.

Just found this about the Dr on Bupa website

highly skilled at performing early pregnancy and gynaecology ultrasound. His main interest is the diagnosis of endometriosis by ultrasound

I agree with the others saying quick registry, TTC and then big party later.

We have trouble TTC our first (not endo but PCOS) and it was very hard. I would continue with the private tests, just so you have a better idea of what is going on with yours (and your DP’s fertility).

On the pandemic front, things are improving but nobody knows when things will be back to the level of normal when you can have big weddings etc. We had a registry office wedding (just our parents and SIL) and then a big wedding a few months later (not because of covid but because we married in France where religious weddings aren’t recognised). I really liked it as I felt I could enjoy what I consider to be our real wedding more as some of the stress was removed. I would think it would help remove some of the uncertainty around when you would be able to marry and remove the concerns about TTC

I first met my husband end of April 2014. We became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015. Baby was due 30th August 2015, was actually born on 5th September 2015.

So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But when we found out I was pregnant we both knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, and I didn’t want to be showing if possible, so we made sure we were. It was perfect.

Some people might think we only got married because I was pregnant, but that was never the case at all. We did it because I wanted us to all have the same name on as much of the paperwork as possible and especially on the birth certificate, it meant a lot to me. In fact my first appointment after the wedding was the second scan. We made sure we had plenty of time before the appointment so I could get my name changed on the system before my appointment. I did. That was obviously the first time I’d been called by my married name, I loved hearing it and seeing it on the paperwork and especially on the scan photos.

I know for a lot of people it doesn’t matter and isn’t really that important, and I mean no judgement at all. But for me it was very important and it did mean a lot.

And it was nothing to do with money or assess or financial security. When we met he was 29 and I had just turned 21. So obviously he was 30 and I had just turned 22 when we got married. He worked for minimum wage and still lived at home (until he moved into my flat with me, with permission from landlord) and I was a student living in a student flat. So we had nothing. I don't agree with marriage being a contract of sorts or getting married for security or financial reasons. For me it's about love and feelings and promising to spend and share your life together.

@badnews21 I am not a doctor or medically qualified in any capacity but, I am older than you (46) and was diagnosed with possible endo in 2001 and confirmed from a lap in 2002. If I tell you that today I am partially disabled because of endo and haven't worked for the last 16 years will that help you?

With the financial and housing ownership situation I would get married in a registry office now. Big wedding/party later. The important bit is you protect yourself financially.

From your medical report "endometrioma" means a cyst caused by endometriosis and is considered stage 3 or 4 so not mild. I don't usually recommend US medical sites but have a read of this www.endofound.org/endometriomas-what-you-need-to-know

When I was diagnosed I read everything I could get my hands on, books, internet (in its infancy with regard to forums and support groups) and I try to keep up with it. Why it happens, they still don't know. Lots of theories but no definitive diagnosis. There is no cure just "managing" symptoms.

I would recommend www.endometriosis-uk.org/ which is full of helpful information. But I would say to you, don't just rely on what your doctors tell you, research it, get informed. Google will not make you a doctor but it helps inform your care and your choices.

Get married. Registry office do. Your mental health will be truly fucked with children and no security, endo or not.

No.

Get married (the legal part) first - are small registry office weddings still allowed? Legal protection is far more important than any big, fancy 'celebration'.

Yes. I had my daughter in September 2014 and got married in April 2016. We had planned to start a family, got engaged in the November and I was pregnant in December. At no point did I ever worry about the “right order” to do things in

I had a baby first and got married just before my son turned 1. I think if you trust each other then I would ttc and see what happens

I did, but I'm financially secure in my own right and did return to work.

I think the only time I'd maybe errrr is if I planned to give up work or couldn't support myself if the relationship went south. Sounds quite cold for it to be down to financial reasons but you hear about so many sahp getting shafted

Yes, but I owned the house, I was the higher earner, and didn’t intend becoming a SAHM, so wasn’t vulnerable in terms of security or finances.

Don’t be panicked into doing anything you don’t feel 100% happy with, but at the same time being 100% sure about something is different from pursuing ‘the perfect wedding’ or ‘pleasing everyone by having a baby’.

Registry office. TTC. Wedding later. Your financial situation is rocky. It could take a long time to conceive. Dont wait.

@kilburnfrenchie

IVF veteran here... I’d come off contraception now, see what happens, agree that if you do get pregnant you will do reg office trip to formalise legalities & do a party later. If you do do that you don’t even have to tell people you’ve done the legal thing- just focus on having the wedding later as big/ small as you like & Covid permits. Our legal wedding was 5 people at lunch time- our actual wedding as far as everyone was concerned was a big ‘wedding’ 6 months later with dress/ ceremony etc. No one knew or cared that we were already legally married.

carry on with wedding plans in the meantime- if nothing happens on baby front or you are early stages of pregnancy you can still (gasp!) have a wedding..

If there is a fertility issue you need to have been trying for a while before they even investigate. Investigations take ages. It’s not fun. If you have endo I’d get cracking.

I think this is a really great idea. In your situation, I wouldn't want to put off TTC. Equally, I would want to be legally married before having a baby.

But who knows what's going to happen this year and when a big party/international travel will be allowed? You may have to put the wedding off again and I wouldn't want to be hanging around waiting in your situation.

As soon as they start taking wedding bookings again, get a slot for a 'you and two witnesses' wedding asap. Then start TTC. In your position where you aren't co owner of the house and there is a very big salary differential (have you agreed what will happen about work and childcare in the future - is he expecting you to go part time and take the financial/career hit?) you really need the protection in place

Definitely marriage first- but if you are on birth control then come off that sooner rather than later. I was on the pill and it took 6 months for my periods to regulate again.

You could also start trying a month or two before the wedding?

Just to add, I am 33 and 4 months pregnant, we used Ovusense to track my ovulation and it worked really well. Not sure how that would work with your endometriosis but it was such a help knowing exactly when I was ovulating (had no luck with sticks!) and even though it’s a little pricy it was totally worth the cost.

I am. I always wanted to get married first but decided having children was more important and we didn't want to wait, especially with lockdown pushing everything back. We realised even if we decide to get married now there's likely to be a huge backlog of weddings for the next couple of years and we might struggle to get the date/venue we want. I'm pregnant now, we still plan to get married but it'll probably be in a couple of years.

I should add, we own a house together so I feel more financially secure than I would if we didn't.

Reg office wedding. Do a big "wedding" (blessing, whatever) afterwards when you can do it properly.

I had my DD when we were engaged but not married. Have a house together, I have my own income and savings so I don’t see the need to be married first. Having a baby was much more important to me than waiting for a wedding. I’m so glad I didn’t wait especially with how things are at the moment and everything getting pushed back. No plans for a wedding currently but will eventually I’m sure.

OP u dont even have to tell people your married. Just get legal bit done and have wedding later.

No we wouldn't have intentionally TTC before getting married...

We did have a baby before we got married & all did work out great, no regrets!

Anectdotally, we have friends who got engaged at various stages eg before first baby/during pregnancy/after second baby and generally the wedding had been delayed for a number of years.

One waited several years of being engaged and 3 babies before they finally did the wedding

No judgement, I just wouldn't have wanted to do it that way- more to do with the fact that once you have a baby or two, you have more pressures on your time let alone organising a wedding.

Just my viewpoint

Thanks everyone.

We are going to start trying now and see what happens. I have convinced myself I won't be able to get pregnant easily at all (based on reading online and experiences on here) so the sooner we try, the sooner we know what we are up against.

And then by the time the wedding rolls around if nothing has come of it, we know we need to seek help.

Or if I get lucky then we can just get married and do the wedding in a few years (we've pretty much fully paid for it all so don't want to lose the money if we can avoid it)

Thanks all!