Would you purposely have a baby before marriage?

[badnews21]

Info:

Wedding this year but will probably be postponed (already moved it from March 21 to Nov 21) - added complication is that parents live overseas so even if we wanted to do something small our parents probably couldn't come which would be very hard

We are 33 and 35 and I have mild endometriosis

Would waiting 10 months make a huge difference to conception times?

I am already massively struggling with lockdown etc so the fear of unsuccessful TTC terrifies me as I struggle with my mental health

I would not wait another year given your circumstances, I’d start TTC now and in the meantime arrange a small wedding asap.

I got legally married before big do. Mattered not a jot to anyone else. My dad still walked me down the isle etc. But, so many women find that the chap isnt so keen on marriage after having a baby and then you are stuffed legally. My sister is finding this out the hard way right now. Crack on with registry office now and massive wedding later for everyone else. Then crack on with TTC. Good luck

You might be panicking with the wedding rescheduled it is worse as the next date isn't guaranteed.
I'd start trying September if it happens you'll still be small if not you've a head start.

I got legally married before big do
Good idea 💡

I had babies with no intention of getting married, but our financial situation was broadly the same.

In your circumstances I'd have a quicky wedding and then crack on. I agree with your financials you should protect yourself.

Could've written this myself. We've cancelled our wedding 4 times
We did get legally married with 2 witnesses and it was amazing. We will have a big party In a few years and I will get to wear my dress.
I have severe endometriosis of the bowel and bladder and around my pelvis and having bowel surgery to get rid of the problems I get. I understand how stressful it is
I'm 37 and I am desperate to conceive.
Do not wait try and get pregnant.

He owns the house and earns substantially more? You’d be unwise to have children before marriage OP. And it’s obviously not the case that you have “plenty of time” to conceive. So the solution is obvious - small legal ceremony asap with celebratory party when possible.

[quote badnews21]@LonelyBlueBauble sorry to ask but do you know a lot about it all? It was through private healthcare so perhaps I should push for the tube checking you mentioned.

This is what I was told if anyone happens to know more"

"On ultrasound scan her uterus appeared normal and the endometrium was secretory. The right ovary
contained a haemorrhagic corpus luteum and was mobile on palpation. The left ovary was enlarged by a
unilocular cyst with ground glass fluid suggestive of old blood which was surrounded by healthy ovarian
tissue. This ovary was tender on palpation, appeared adherent to the pelvic side wall and the appearance
of the cyst was consistent with an endometrioma.
On palpation with the ultrasound probe the vesico-uterine pouch and the pouch of Douglas appeared free of
adhesions.
The anterior wall of the recto-sigmoid colon, urinary bladder and pelvic ureters appeared normal. The
posterior vaginal wall and uterosacral ligaments were not thickened"[/quote]
I’m not a doctor. In my non-medical opinion as someone who recently had surgery for an ovarian cyst, I think you have a cyst on one side called an endometrioma. That means it has blood in it. It’s a sign of endometriosis. That same ovary is stuck to the pelvic wall. Sticking organs together is something endometriosis does.

Were you told how big the cyst is? Does the consultant think it will go away or stay put? Was surgery discussed?

The other ovary sounds better. It has a cyst but it’s usual to get what’s called functional cysts when ovulating. They usually go away on their own. (Mine didn’t and was quite big which is why I had surgery).

The person doing the ultrasound didn’t pick up endometriosis anywhere else but it’s rare for ultrasounds to do so. I was told they only do so rarely if endometriosis is sticking to something (I was told something on my pre-op ultrasound could be endometriosis though what they could see turned out to be a fibroid). My ultrasound was clear of endometriosis but I have quite a lot of it.

If children are important to you I would do the registry office wedding and crack on with TTC. You can have a party later. I think it will be quite a while before things will get back to normal or weddings are on again and there will be a backlog of people waiting to get married. 33 is young, but time goes quickly and I could easily see you being 35 before getting married if you’re after a big white wedding. Those two years can make a big difference.

With a scan report like that NHS guidelines say repeat in 3 months, if it’s an endometrioma it will still be there and may have increased in size, if it’s a haemorrhagic cyst it will likely have resolved.

If that report is all you have it’s not a diagnosis of endometriosis, definitive diagnosis is by laparoscopy.

@MissTemple @Sorka was told it was an old cyst / 'not fresh' my consultant referred me to this place as they specially can tell what the cysts are if that makes sense.

I have had 3 ultrasounds in the past year and it's been there the whole time / 2cm ish / hasn't grown

I had a baby last May (my third - my other two are 10 and 13). If I'd have known what I know now re Covid I definitely wouldn't have got pregnant (and I'm 40!) Mat leave is horrendous.

Sorry to hear that @Countrywalking so hard to know what's best and moving weddings is really hard!

If you have had three scans that all say an endometrioma then it probably is one. I’m a bit wary of some private scans, especially when it concerns fertility issues. If you’re confident of the service then hopefully they’re genuine.

Thanks OP it's so stressful which isn't conducive to getting pregnant.
My priorities have changed I'd say get legally married and then do the wedding in 18 months
X

I was firmly in the marriage first camp, was supposed to get married last year and when we had to postpone we decided to try for a baby instead, sadly ended in miscarriage but we are trying again and have pushed the wedding another year. I don’t know if a year would make any difference, but also don’t know how long it will take to get pregnant, and would really kick myself if I put it off another year and then it took us a year to conceive

Get legally married now just you two and witnesses, then have the party later. If you get pregnant then brilliant if not then at least you’ve started trying

Even if your DP wants to marry now, the desire to do so may wear off somewhat when you’re both shattered, you’ve changed shape, gone off sex, leaking milk, you never get to spend quality time talking, gazing at each other, being spontaneous..........

that’s not to say he wouldn’t want to stay married, having made the commitment and understanding that all the above comes with having a baby........

but he may be less keen to change his situation to one where he holds less of the financial cards...........

Marriage then ttc . In that order .

2cm is below the threshold for surgery on the cyst. My surgeon said they would operate on cysts above 5cm.

Whether you try now or not is up to you, but you have less time on your side than you thought and it may already be a challenge

OP Have you been given an MRI? I also had a colonoscopy. I was hospitalised for a week due to complications in my bowel.

Endometriosis is very difficult to diagnose and I'd agree that private fertility places can be dubious.

I'd do a cheap wedding now. Then in a month or two start ttc.

I would not have got pregnant before marriage but I’m not trying to conceive number 2 at 37 and struggling, it may not happen, I might have left it too late. I had my first at 34 conceived at 33. If you want more than 1 child, it’s worth considering whether a delay of a year or two will cause problems further down the line.

I’m not trying to “tick-tock” or be negative, loads of people have babies my at my age but loads of people also struggle and can’t. Research suggests fertility rapidly deteriorates from 36/37 years and anything after 35 is considered higher risk.

Up to you but take all the facts into consideration when deciding what’s right for you

@Countrywalking no MRI - I went via my work private GP and they referred me to these people via Bupa, they are general gyno rather than fertility.

The cyst has been there on each ultrasound but the first two said it 'might be' - I booked a follow up as my pain / heavy bleeding has been getting worse and something just felt 'wrong' in that area. I was worried it was something sinister.

The doctor this time round seemed confident it was endometriosis but no one has said how mild / severe.

Thank you to everyone for so much advice!

In your case I would, mostly because of the endo.

In most cases it's a 'can you be a single mum without half the assets if the worst happens'.

In some cases it's 'could you cope with not having a child if the worst happens'.

But yes, best option, registry office wedding and then TTC. Party later.