Would you purposely have a baby before marriage?

[badnews21]

Info:

Wedding this year but will probably be postponed (already moved it from March 21 to Nov 21) - added complication is that parents live overseas so even if we wanted to do something small our parents probably couldn't come which would be very hard

We are 33 and 35 and I have mild endometriosis

Would waiting 10 months make a huge difference to conception times?

I am already massively struggling with lockdown etc so the fear of unsuccessful TTC terrifies me as I struggle with my mental health

So you haven't followed the advice of the majority at all!

You're basically living in his house, and he could kick you out at any time - he probably wouldn't but still. I think you'd be mad to get pregnant without your name on the deeds/mortgage or a marriage certificate.

Good luck!

Good luck with TTC. Get your name on the house deeds if you can - just to be on the safe side, in case the marriage doesn’t take place for any reason.

We had both our children before we got married and it was lovely. Marriage wasn’t important to us at all as we knew we wanted to be together and it just didn’t matter. I think we did it in the end to keep the parents quiet! Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

You have savings and earn £50k, could you afford to buy your own property in your name only? And does your employer offer enhanced maternity pay or is it SMP only? Worst case scenario if you split up while on maternity leave, you could be trying to find somewhere to live on £151.20/week (SMP after the first 6 weeks).

Honestly OP, be sensible and at least get legal advice about your situation before 'seeing what happens' - very naive approach. Get your name on the house deeds, sort out a will and life insurance at the very least.

I depends I guess! I wanted to get married first but DP thought he was getting old. We wanted a proper wedding (back then anyways!) We had our baby first. However marriage has never been about getting protection, in fact I put my assets at risk, but I trust my DP. We're getting married in April.

@AnotherEmma we will get married (if it even happens) before a baby arrives.

No point in a shot gun wedding if there's no baby when we have already booked and paid for one that is quite soon

'Marriage wasn't important to us' ... just as well your DP didn't die or leave you then (or the other way round) - getting married is NOT about a fluffy celebration with your family and friends it's LEGAL PROTECTION.

Sick of pointing this out after 20 years on Mumsnet .

Caveat - yes, I know it's much better for higher earning women not to marry - but is that fair on their partner?

IHT is another consideration. Your partner has a lot of assets; he owns a house outright and earns £150k/year so he must have savings and investments. If he dies (another worst case scenario) and leaves everything to you, you'd be exempt from IHT if you were married, but you'd have to pay it if you weren't.

It's fine not to worry about these things when it's just the two of you, but when you're bringing a child into the world you should really think about secure housing and general financial security.

'I trust my DP' - everyone says that ..... you only need to read the many, many stories on here to know that even the happiest, most stable relationships go wrong.

I would say to wait. If you were late 30s I'd give a different response. I don't know a lot about Endometriosis but any issues it raised would be mechanical issues in terms of carrying a baby I think rather to do with expiring eggs. At your age even if you're not the most fertile woman, you should have a good 4 or 5 years for your eggs to work well on retrieval if you needed IVF. If you want a bit of fertility hope I had my children naturally at nearly 42 and 44. I didn't have any identified issues but regardless it proves some women can conceive at ten years older than you. Not all of course. Lockdown must be so hard amd so stressful to deal with in your position.

[quote badnews21]@AnotherEmma we will get married (if it even happens) before a baby arrives.

No point in a shot gun wedding if there's no baby when we have already booked and paid for one that is quite soon [/quote]
OK so you're engaged, you get pregnant, you book a shotgun registry office wedding.... but you still have to give notice, it's not instantaneous. Very unlikely scenario but what if he dies between getting pregnant and getting married? Does he have a will and who is named in it; are you the main beneficiary? Will you have to move out of your home (well, his home, legally) until you get probate? While pregnant and mourning?

The chances of that happening are minuscule, but why take the risk?

It wouldn't have made any odds to me. I have endometriosis and I struggled for years to conceive my one DC - then had a succession of miscarriages. Endometriosis is a known contributory factor in both cases. This may well not be the case with you (I sincerely hope it won't be) but it's as well to be aware of these issues beforehand.

It didn't matter a jot to me about being married before conceiving (although, in the end, we were). If you know you want a family I'd suggest prioritising that first. But that's from the position that I have an independent career and am financially self-sufficient. It's also with hindsight, and at the other side of a 10-year, difficult, expensive and painful negotiation with infertility.

Different priorities will depend on different sets of circumstances.

@AnotherEmma good points.

I will talk to him about it, I know I am named on his life insurances and work salary x 5 insurance.

I am lucky in that I have good savings myself and parents that good help if the very worst happen.

I am just finding it very hard to believe that I will be able to get pregnant easily or anytime soon so perhaps I am trying to not get my hopes up or plan for it as from what I have read / been told it's not likely.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks really sorry to hear about your struggles.

I don't understand why you wouldn't try unless having a baby is not what you want?
If you've already moved your wedding to November there's nothing stopping you getting married regardless of whether you have a baby.

It might not be the big wedding you might otherwise be able to have due to restrictions but it's unlikely to be that anyway.

@Ragwort oh you’re such a romantic! No marriage wasn’t important to us and 30 years in we’re still together. There are plenty of other ways to sort out finances and protection. A ring on your finger is far from essential

It's not essential but it's the easiest way to get those protections, and probably the most cost-effective way too (assuming a simple registry office wedding and saving money on IHT).

@Ragwort

'Marriage wasn't important to us' ... just as well your DP didn't die or leave you then (or the other way round) - getting married is NOT about a fluffy celebration with your family and friends it's LEGAL PROTECTION.

Sick of pointing this out after 20 years on Mumsnet .

Caveat - yes, I know it's much better for higher earning women not to marry - but is that fair on their partner?

This. Please OP, everyone thinks their relationship is magical and different, it doesn't stop thousands of women from being financially abused/left in the lurch! Please please please consider going to the registry office first. You can have your big, paid for party later but in your situation getting married is the best thing you can do financially and legally for yourself and future children. At least speak to a legal professional or something

@AnotherEmma

It's not essential but it's the easiest way to get those protections, and probably the most cost-effective way too (assuming a simple registry office wedding and saving money on IHT).

Yep, and also what are the 'other ways to sort out finances and protection'? I assume by that you mean creating legal documents/contracts which protect you in future events, which is exactly what a marriage contract does, so why advise the OP not to get married?

I didn’t advise the OP not to get married. I said there are other ways of doing things. If she wants to get married then good luck to her and if she doesn’t,there are alternatives

If it helps, when we started trying I was very certain we would struggle to conceive due to my Endo. I gathered all my medical records together (which it sounds like you already have) and was ready to get back in touch with my specialist if we got to 6 months with no luck. Having a plan made it easier to cope.

If you haven’t already, I’d highly recommend researching experienced gynae consultants that specialise in EXCISION, you might know already but it is VERY hit and miss when it comes to endo and lots of gynaes just have no clue! Nancy’s Nook on Facebook is an invaluable resource as well as the BSGE for educating yourself and that as well as lots of research on the various BSGE consultants in my area (and a little outside) lead to me to exactly the right doctor for my situation.

We also had to go private for the consults as the NHS had an 18 months wait - this was pre Covid so dread to think what it is now. Then I was referred to NHS for the actual surgery.

Good luck!

@HotDiggidy2017

Thank you - that is useful. I imagine the waiting lists are even huger now!

If we can, I would rather go privately and feel somewhat in control!

If you don't mind me asking, how long was the process between TTC and getting help?

@HotDiggidy2017 sorry, you said 6 months!