Page 6 | Would you purposely have a baby before marriage?

badnews21 · 2021-01-20T20:34:58+00:00

Info: Wedding this year but will probably be postponed (already moved it from March 21 to Nov 21) - added complication is that parents live overseas so even if we wanted to do something small our parents probably couldn't come which would be very hard We are 33 and 35 and I have mild endometriosis Would waiting 10 months make a huge difference to conception times? I am already massively struggling with lockdown etc so the fear of unsuccessful TTC terrifies me as I struggle with my mental health

LilMidge01 · 21/01/2021 15:30

Seems like this is more a medical question which I can't comment on that aspect....
BUT
It sounds like you have 3 desires and because of circumstances and timings you might not be able to have all 3:

getting married
trying to get pregnant
having parents at wedding
big party to celebrate the marriage

Of those 3, I personally would say that the one I would be most willing to sacrifice is parents at wedding. It's nice but not essential, and I'm sure they would understand that. However, you can have both the first 2 before november, they are not mutually exclusive! You can married legally as soon as lockdown restrictions allow (definitely before November!) and then start trying...(getting married first is just better from a legal perspective and sounds like it is important to you)
As for the fourth one...well that can happen at any time..you could do that in November, next year, or in 40 years' time.
Prioritise and perhaps give up on the smaller dream of having your parents at your wedding in order to achieve the others. if you were my daughter, I would never be mad at you for that, and would want the best for you (and be looking forward to the eventual party! :) )

LilMidge01 · 21/01/2021 15:31

woops I said 3 when I meant 4

Ragwort · 21/01/2021 15:32

Dita I totally agree that there are other (& usually much more expensive than a very basic registry office wedding which is what I did - also been together over 30 years like you ) but so often people women don't sort out the legalities until it's sadly too late .... as so often is the case on the Mumsnet relationship boards.

LilMidge01 · 21/01/2021 15:33

@badnews21

Thanks everyone.

We are going to start trying now and see what happens. I have convinced myself I won't be able to get pregnant easily at all (based on reading online and experiences on here) so the sooner we try, the sooner we know what we are up against.

And then by the time the wedding rolls around if nothing has come of it, we know we need to seek help.

Or if I get lucky then we can just get married and do the wedding in a few years (we've pretty much fully paid for it all so don't want to lose the money if we can avoid it)

Thanks all!

Just seen this- why not get legally married before November and if November happens, use it as a party as you've already paid for it?

You do not need a big paid-for ceremony in order to get legally married

Chickenfingers · 21/01/2021 15:36

Definitely baby first, wedding isn't important and can wait. Where as you are more on a clock with your body.

I've had my first baby before marriage. Will probably get married at some point.

BashfulClam · 21/01/2021 15:40

You do t need a wedding to get married. Have a really tiny registry office marriage. Then have all the bells, whistles and trimmings later on. You could then pick any type of ceremony you like, hand fasting for example. The legal bit takes 15 minutes tops! If you do conceive you could combine the naming ceremony with your wedding reception.

Flippy87 · 21/01/2021 23:32

No can’t understand why you wouldn’t just do a registry office ASAP when they open back up and keep planning for your ‘proper’ wedding as you already are. Baffled.

Flippy87 · 21/01/2021 23:34

chickenfingers that’s just bad advice. It’s not the fluffy lovey dovey stuff that’s important for marriage, it’s the legal protection it offers the moment those papers are signed. Your intention to marry at some vague point in the future will not help you if your partner dies, even if you own a home together and have children together.

coulditbeanymorerubbish · 21/01/2021 23:43

Oh I'd have it now, only because I don't want any babies post 32. Want my kids to 18+ when I'm 50

Ericaequites · 21/01/2021 23:52

Have a registry office wedding first, then the baby. Having a big wedding is highly overrated. Besides, a child brings far more happiness than any big party could.

Whatagreytdoggo · 22/01/2021 11:56

I think you're doing it correctly from your update op. Going against the grain here but at 33 I'd be wanting to try sooner rather than later if I knew I wanted children. And that's without having endo as well.
I'd have liked to been married beforehand ideally, but starting a family was more important to me out of the two as we had to wait a long time financially to be able to get married. I'm glad we did as it took us a lot longer to conceive than we'd hoped being mid 20s and no health conditions.
It doesn't always end in heartbreak and no money as has been said. (Obviously it does for some people) we took the risk and got our Happy ever after. Hope it all works out for you!

Chickenfingers · 22/01/2021 12:35

@Flippy87

chickenfingers that’s just bad advice. It’s not the fluffy lovey dovey stuff that’s important for marriage, it’s the legal protection it offers the moment those papers are signed. Your intention to marry at some vague point in the future will not help you if your partner dies, even if you own a home together and have children together.

It's not bad advice at all, there's other things to legally cover such as death in services, wills, setting partner as beneficiary for the pension.

If the OP wants a proper wedding they can wait, but her body won't, the older she gets the riskier a pregnancy is.

Plus it's such a negative way to think you have to marry asap incase your partner dies or they break up. I know couples that have kids together and aren't married, there's nothing wrong with that and they are covered legally.

CrazyKitkatLady · 22/01/2021 13:01

If you’re planning on taking any kind of career break with a baby then definitely get married first, even if it’s just the two of you. You’re so vulnerable otherwise. Then you can TTC as soon as it’s done.

You can have the big party later on, I expect lots of people will be having weddings where they’re already married over the next few years because of how many have been cancelled.

Blueroses99 · 22/01/2021 14:36

It's not bad advice at all, there's other things to legally cover such as death in services, wills, setting partner as beneficiary for the pension.

If the OP wants a proper wedding they can wait, but her body won't, the older she gets the riskier a pregnancy is.

Plus it's such a negative way to think you have to marry asap incase your partner dies or they break up. I know couples that have kids together and aren't married, there's nothing wrong with that and they are covered legally.

I don’t understand how getting married is negative and doing all the paperwork to get to the same place is not? A registry office will be cheaper than all the legal fees.

OP I would agree with Pp who suggested that you start TTC and book in with the registry office should you become pregnant, and have a celebration in November, but if not just go ahead with your November plans.

I started TTC at 33 and ran into unexpected fertility problems. I had to have been TTC for 2 years before being referred, or 1 year if a problem was found. It was the latter in our case, and we had a very stressful few years. So don’t delay TTC and then find you have to wait a while to get any assistance.

Chickenfingers · 23/01/2021 14:25

@Blueroses99

It's not bad advice at all, there's other things to legally cover such as death in services, wills, setting partner as beneficiary for the pension.

If the OP wants a proper wedding they can wait, but her body won't, the older she gets the riskier a pregnancy is.

Plus it's such a negative way to think you have to marry asap incase your partner dies or they break up. I know couples that have kids together and aren't married, there's nothing wrong with that and they are covered legally.

I don’t understand how getting married is negative and doing all the paperwork to get to the same place is not? A registry office will be cheaper than all the legal fees.

OP I would agree with Pp who suggested that you start TTC and book in with the registry office should you become pregnant, and have a celebration in November, but if not just go ahead with your November plans.

I started TTC at 33 and ran into unexpected fertility problems. I had to have been TTC for 2 years before being referred, or 1 year if a problem was found. It was the latter in our case, and we had a very stressful few years. So don’t delay TTC and then find you have to wait a while to get any assistance.

I can't tell whether you're agree or not with your example. By all means have a registry office wedding, but if having a big wedding is important then wait. Some of those legal things I mentioned take no time or minimal cost to set up. As per your example you had difficulties, and the OP is older now than you were. Op may miss her chance to be pregnant completely and that's not worth delaying.

I dont think getting married is negative, i understand the benefits, but getting married just incase your partner dies is a negative way to approach it.

littlepattilou · 23/01/2021 14:26

@badnews21

No way would I be having any children before I was married.

Blueroses99 · 23/01/2021 15:39

chickenfingers I was replying to you and to OP on different points so appreciate my post may be confusing. You said getting married just incase your partner dies is a negative way to approach it. I was trying to say that getting wills, insurances, transferring pensions, all the other legal paperwork and protections are exactly in case your partner dies, so why is it ok to do all these things in case your partner dies, but seen as negative if you just get married to get all the same (and more) protections.

Flippy87 · 23/01/2021 16:27

chickenfingers it’s quicker and easier to just get the registry office marriage out the way and continue to plan the big wedding.

No way I’d ever consciously try to conceive outside of marriage in the OPs circumstances.

partyatthepalace · 24/01/2021 02:25

Take medical advice, but imagine it will be to crack on.

So what I would do is just get married now at a reg office. Do the wedding next year.

GlowingOrb · 24/01/2021 02:28

I would go get legally married now and get culturally/spiritually/meaningfully married when you can.

readingismycardio · 24/01/2021 04:20

I would get married first (even if just a quick registry office do, and keep the party when Covid will allow it). It's much safer this way. Best of luck with TTC, OP! Hope it happens quickly and with no problems at all!

SimonJT · 24/01/2021 04:53

@GlowingOrb

I would go get legally married now and get culturally/spiritually/meaningfully married when you can.

If the OP is in the UK she can’t get married, weddings are only permitted for certain circumstances, such as terminal illness.

intheshallows · 24/01/2021 05:17

I would have a quick legal wedding as soon as reasonably possible, have a baby and then look to have the big wedding/party in the future.

Don't let covid keep on delaying your plans.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 24/01/2021 06:28

Honestly, you dont know when weddings are going to be happening again and at 33 now I 100% would not wait. If legality bothers you I would get a registry office wedding now & have the big party later. The year I was 33 I had 3 miscarriages having had DS 2 years earlier with no issues.

Nicknamegoeshere · 24/01/2021 10:18

I thought ALL weddings are currently banned in UK (except in exceptional circumstances)?