Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have told him he has a child?

269 replies

alreadydonewith2021 · 20/01/2021 15:02

Some years ago, I met someone on a night out. There was an instant attraction, he ended up coming back to mine and we spent the night together.

I really liked him and hoped I'd see him again, so gave him my number. I didn't take his number, which as it turned out was unfortunate. I never heard from him again, which was disappointing but not the end of the world, these things happen I told myself. However a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I didn't have internet at home at the time and no one had Facebook etc anyway. I knew the rough area where he lived and possibly the pubs he went into (although the one I met him in wasn't his local, he was only there as a one off, as was I, I lived 30ish miles away).I had no one really to talk to about it or be a sounding board - no family and my then friends were all early 20s like me and pretty useless.

So I got on with things on my own, muddled through and never got in touch mainly because it just seemed impossible. My DC asked about their dad as a young child and I gave some information about what he looked like but they never asked more than that.

The older I get, I can't help regretting it. I know of course that he might not have wanted to know, or been a disruptive presence, but part of me feels sad that my child will never know their father and vice versa. I have several friends who have had babies by donor and at least they can provide their children with basic health information and background on their fathers, I can't even do that.

Realistically it's so long ago now that there's nothing I can do about it I don't think? I've not spoken to my DC about it in years, they don't ask and don't seem to need or want to know. I guess that might change in future though especially once they have their own children.

OP posts:
Original poster
alreadydonewith2021 · 21/01/2021 16:21

The false name thing did occur to me; any of the details he'd told me might not have been true.

Also, he seemed nice, unthreatening etc. But who knows if that was the real him? He could have been racist, sexist, an abuser, or even had a criminal background/ record...I might've ended up wishing I hadn't contacted him and introduced that person into mine and my child's life.

I rationalised it at the time by thinking I had no negative information about him (other than him not calling me) - we had a great night/ following day together and I didn't know anything bad about him to colour it.

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 21/01/2021 16:22

I think the sport he used to play at weekends might be a good way to trace him (if you decide you want to). People have massive networks through sport and its likely that someone will know someone who knows him. Even if he doesn't participate in it any more. Is it the sort of sport he might have kept on?

I can't believe some of the comments. I don't know how you were supposed to find him, and some men are just very good at not being found. He is an adult male, he would have known pregnancy is a risk of unprotected sex. I must admit I'd be wondering if he didn't have other children conceived in a similar way if he the sort of man to have unprotected sex with a stranger and then disappear.

Goingtothebudgies · 21/01/2021 16:31

The man will have assumed that she was on contraception and that it was effective. Not so madly unreasonable. The chances of a baby were extremely low.
Even if the OP didn't give a toss about the man knowing he had a child, why didn't she consider that the child would want to know, that there might be medical issues, etc? It seems very selfish.
Sitting in dirty pubs while pregnant?!! Really ?!! Didn't know that sitting in a pub was so risky!!

Still1nLove · 21/01/2021 16:40

Hi OP,
I think you have little to zero chance of finding him. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2021 16:48

@Goingtothebudgies

The man will have assumed that she was on contraception and that it was effective. Not so madly unreasonable. The chances of a baby were extremely low. Even if the OP didn't give a toss about the man knowing he had a child, why didn't she consider that the child would want to know, that there might be medical issues, etc? It seems very selfish. Sitting in dirty pubs while pregnant?!! Really ?!! Didn't know that sitting in a pub was so risky!!
Sitting in dodgy pubs for hours alone as a young women (in the 90s so also smoke filled) is hardly the same as "ooh, to pregnant to sit".
SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2021 16:49

@alreadydonewith2021

The false name thing did occur to me; any of the details he'd told me might not have been true.

Also, he seemed nice, unthreatening etc. But who knows if that was the real him? He could have been racist, sexist, an abuser, or even had a criminal background/ record...I might've ended up wishing I hadn't contacted him and introduced that person into mine and my child's life.

I rationalised it at the time by thinking I had no negative information about him (other than him not calling me) - we had a great night/ following day together and I didn't know anything bad about him to colour it.

Oh but then pps could have lambasted you for tracking him downv when you never should have told him.
SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2021 16:52

I would have placed ads in local press
Hey, looking for guy who claims to be called Tom, floppy blonde hair, blue eyes, 8 inch cock, hairy chest. Wanted for babysitting duties in 8 months"

WitchSharkadder · 21/01/2021 16:53

OP, some posters on this thread are being deliberately sanctimonious so ignore them.

No, your conception wasn't the 'ideal' but who hasn't made a mistake in life. It sounds to me like, upon finding out you were pregnant, you made the best choices you could have at the time and have been an amazing mum to your son who has grown up to be a mature and well-adjusted young man.

I completely understand your mind wandering to the what if/where is he type questions sometimes. If you want to find him, then Ancestry DNA type avenues are the only thing I can think of given the limited information. Honestly though, as your son is now an adult, I think I would let him decide if he wants to try.

Wheresmykimchi · 21/01/2021 16:53

@Goingtothebudgies

The man will have assumed that she was on contraception and that it was effective. Not so madly unreasonable. The chances of a baby were extremely low. Even if the OP didn't give a toss about the man knowing he had a child, why didn't she consider that the child would want to know, that there might be medical issues, etc? It seems very selfish. Sitting in dirty pubs while pregnant?!! Really ?!! Didn't know that sitting in a pub was so risky!!
Hmm
Goingtothebudgies · 21/01/2021 17:03

What makes people think that the pubs were dirty and dodgy? Just making silly excuses for the OP. What about her DC?

GreenlandTheMovie · 21/01/2021 17:07

@Goingtothebudgies

The man will have assumed that she was on contraception and that it was effective. Not so madly unreasonable. The chances of a baby were extremely low. Even if the OP didn't give a toss about the man knowing he had a child, why didn't she consider that the child would want to know, that there might be medical issues, etc? It seems very selfish. Sitting in dirty pubs while pregnant?!! Really ?!! Didn't know that sitting in a pub was so risky!!
Would the man? What a great man then. Obviously beyond question that any young, fertile, woman that a man has casual sex with would automatically be on contraception. Its a well known rule, in fact.

Meanwhile, in the real world...

Cotswolds10 · 21/01/2021 17:21

Hi @Wheresmykimchi , I don’t think my comment was sexist at all but maybe I didn’t write it well. My point was that 2 people had sex, both would (presumably) have been aware that sex could lead to the possibility of pregnancy but only one person had the means to get in contact with the other. Regardless of whether they were male or female. Therefore I don’t think the responsibility for getting in touch rests so much on the person who didn’t have that contact information (ie the OP). So I don’t believe the OP is in the wrong for not running around trying to track down the other person involved whilst pregnant and try to raise a child single-handedly.

Wheresmykimchi · 21/01/2021 17:26

@Cotswolds10

Hi *@Wheresmykimchi* , I don’t think my comment was sexist at all but maybe I didn’t write it well. My point was that 2 people had sex, both would (presumably) have been aware that sex could lead to the possibility of pregnancy but only one person had the means to get in contact with the other. Regardless of whether they were male or female. Therefore I don’t think the responsibility for getting in touch rests so much on the person who didn’t have that contact information (ie the OP). So I don’t believe the OP is in the wrong for not running around trying to track down the other person involved whilst pregnant and try to raise a child single-handedly.
I don't think OP is in the wrong at all. I think people have been really hard on her.

But the bit I meant was the bit about him knowing he could have fathered a child. That is true , but anyone after a ONS has the right to not contact anyone. Weirdly enough it struck me that OP said about him not contacting her and I did wonder if that factored in to her rationalising her decision not to investigate at the time.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/01/2021 17:41

@Goingtothebudgies

I don't think going to some pubs is too much to ask for your child to know who their father is. And for the guy to have the chance to know his own child. This massively affects their whole lives.
Are people entirely mad? 😠

All these posts saying that OP 'should have done more' to find this man! But how? She knew nothing about him, and statistically, sitting in a random pub would be highly unlikely to be successful.

I feel some posters are practically ready to send a scarlet A to the OP

OP, you hadn't many options, you just didn't have the info. I don't think there's much you can do now. And that's ok. It sounds like your son had / has a good relationship with your ex-DP. Huge respect to you for raising a child alone, with very little support it seems ✋

Nyctophyllia · 21/01/2021 17:47

Apologies if this has been mentioned but you could search the members of his local area Facebook page by first name and see if you think any are him

Cotswolds10 · 21/01/2021 17:54

@Wheresmykimchi yes, I agree. I think we are probably in agreement but expressing it differently. No one should have to contact another person after a ONS if they don’t want to, male or female. But I was using the argument that he COULD have done so if he wanted, whereas she could not. Therefore it is unfair of PP to be having a pop at her for not hunting him down Smile

TheFallenMadonna · 21/01/2021 18:04

Good Heavens.
The man will have assumed that she was on contraception and that it was effective. Not so madly unreasonable. The chances of a baby were extremely low.

I read that and thought it was more of the more unreasonable things I have read. Pretty sure men don't actually have to assume re contraception. They can use it themselves.

But then this:
But then I can't in a million years imagine getting accidentally pregnant by a near stranger and keeping it. Half of what I love about my DS is that he is my husbands son.

I have never met my biological father, nor have I ever felt a need to, in all my 50 years. Luckily, I have always had the full love of my mother. I can't in a million years imagine either thinking that live would somehow be incomplete in this situation, or actually saying it "out loud" to someone in this situation. Mind boggling.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2021 18:13

@Goingtothebudgies

What makes people think that the pubs were dirty and dodgy? Just making silly excuses for the OP. What about her DC?
She said it was in a rough area. I think she has more idea than you given her has the insight of where in the world she lives
SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2021 18:38

@Goingtothebudgies

What makes people think that the pubs were dirty and dodgy? Just making silly excuses for the OP. What about her DC?
Re the DC, given the people saying they'd have aborted in the circs, I guess only he would know of he'd rather not have been born. I'm not convinced the majority of people who don't have a loving relationship with both parents wish their mother had had an abortion
SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2021 18:40

Half of what I love about my DS is that he is my husbands son
What if your DH becomes an abusive alcoholic? What if he cheats on you? Or you just fall out of love? Will you love your son a little less?

Lizadork · 21/01/2021 19:34

Likely suggested already, but get child to test with Ancestry DNA and 23andMe. That should help narrow down the search a bit as it will link to maternal and paternal relatives that test. It is becoming more common place for seeking relatives and unearthing our genealogy skeletons. You might want to test too so child's test automatically sorts between DNA relativez matches that are mum's side and dad's side. I would recommend if something your child wants to do.

amoobaa · 21/01/2021 20:05

@alreadydonewith2021

I think some of the responses you’ve had are unnecessarily and unjustifiably harsh.

Your posts all come across as balanced, open minded, intelligent, fair and most importantly, supportive of your son.

I wish you a d your son all the very best Flowers

Lizadork · 21/01/2021 20:13

The situation may not be ideal but you have obviously handled it well. You come cross balanced and fair, thinking foremost of your son.

Original poster
alreadydonewith2021 · 21/01/2021 20:21

Thanks for the kind words.

If I knew what I know now, I'd have done things differently of course, but I wouldn't have wanted to be without my DC. He was born almost a year to the day after the death of my parent. He's brought me a great deal of joy (plus all the other emotions as well!) and he's a well rounded boy, bit of a Millenial slacker but he'll find his way. Never been in any trouble, I've had to fetch him home drunk a couple of times but that's been the worst of it!

I'm going to broach the topic of his father with him this weekend, and see how that goes. If he doesn't want to talk about it, or do anything about it that's fine and I'll let him know that whenever he does he can speak to me.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 21/01/2021 21:45

[quote Cotswolds10]@Wheresmykimchi yes, I agree. I think we are probably in agreement but expressing it differently. No one should have to contact another person after a ONS if they don’t want to, male or female. But I was using the argument that he COULD have done so if he wanted, whereas she could not. Therefore it is unfair of PP to be having a pop at her for not hunting him down Smile[/quote]
I don't think she's unreasonable but I think they're coming from the point of view that she had info for him. He didn't.

But I think she's getting an unnecessary hard time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread