to not have told him he has a child?

[alreadydonewith2021]

Some years ago, I met someone on a night out. There was an instant attraction, he ended up coming back to mine and we spent the night together.

I really liked him and hoped I'd see him again, so gave him my number. I didn't take his number, which as it turned out was unfortunate. I never heard from him again, which was disappointing but not the end of the world, these things happen I told myself. However a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I didn't have internet at home at the time and no one had Facebook etc anyway. I knew the rough area where he lived and possibly the pubs he went into (although the one I met him in wasn't his local, he was only there as a one off, as was I, I lived 30ish miles away).I had no one really to talk to about it or be a sounding board - no family and my then friends were all early 20s like me and pretty useless.

So I got on with things on my own, muddled through and never got in touch mainly because it just seemed impossible. My DC asked about their dad as a young child and I gave some information about what he looked like but they never asked more than that.

The older I get, I can't help regretting it. I know of course that he might not have wanted to know, or been a disruptive presence, but part of me feels sad that my child will never know their father and vice versa. I have several friends who have had babies by donor and at least they can provide their children with basic health information and background on their fathers, I can't even do that.

Realistically it's so long ago now that there's nothing I can do about it I don't think? I've not spoken to my DC about it in years, they don't ask and don't seem to need or want to know. I guess that might change in future though especially once they have their own children.

Thats terrible you've forgotten his surname.

@LunaLula83

Thats terrible you've forgotten his surname.

Why is it?

There is no way I'd have tried to find him. He might have fought you for custody or anything. Could have opened a whole can of worms.
If your daughter wants to find him later on she can do ancestry DNA.

It is so gracious of all the nobheads kind posters on here telling you you could have done more. We can all be billy big bollocks online and say what you would have done in that situation, but in the stark reality of the day, a young woman finding out she is pregnant from a ONS with hardly any info on someone she had only known for a few hours is very different from being a middle aged woman with decades of knowledge behind you. You don't know what you would have done in that situation, and it is dense to pretend otherwise. Those suggesting 'just go and sit in the pub' have made me howl though, try doing that in the area I grew up in and see what happens... wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes haha.

OP, as others have said you child is an adult now and this really needs to be led by him. I'd have a frank but light chat about it, and offer your full support if he wants to find his dad, and facilitate that in any way possible.

@LunaLula83

Thats terrible you've forgotten his surname.

Oh behave yourself.

If DC wants to trace, then fine. If they don't then don't go there.

My father walked before I was born. Obviously a different set of circumstances but as your DC did, you get on with your normal and frankly I never asked. Didn't care then, don't care now.

But I'd support your DC in their decision whichever way they go.

@Goingtothebudgies

Going to some pubs is not a ridiculous suggestion - it was the OP's own view of what she could have done, and it might have worked. Can you imagine conceiving a child and no-one bothering to tell you about its existence? Or growing up with no idea of who your father is, because your mother decided not to spend a few hours in some pubs?

I lived 28 years not knowing anything more than my father's name because it was a taboo subject. I found out a few more details through obliging family members and circumstances. Some people are less curious than I was.

I lived working out that I went to school with my cousin, that I was sitting in the same room as him at one point, not knowing if he knew I existed. (He knew there was a cousin, he didn't know it was me at that point)

Plenty of fathers willingly create families then turn their backs on them and don't want to know. As to wanting to know the outcome of a ONS two decades earlier, there is a lot of scope for rejection and lack of interest. That's why at this point, it's best for the now adult child to decide what to do from this point forward. OP has fulfilled her responsibilities with what she knew from that time.

I've tried Facebook and google etc. His first name is a very common one, probably top 5 in the UK. His job as I remember was basically unskilled manual, I didn't know where he worked or who for, it's the sort of job you could do anywhere. It does feel a bit needle in haystack.

I honestly think my best bet was years ago when Friends Reunited was in use because you could look on there by school and school year, so see everyone who went to Anytown Comp in 1988, or whatever. I did look on there back when it was a thing (mid 2000s I think, before Facebook) under local schools and couldn't anyone that might have been him, but then again I know loads of people I went to school with who never signed up to Friends Reunited, so he might not have been on there - or indeed on Facebook now.

@alreadydonewith2021 sorry you're ending up having to justify yourself over and over on here, I'm amazed at some of these judgemental comments. Ridiculous that anyone thinks that you should have travelled 30 miles on public transport in order to sit in rough pubs in rough areas in your early twenties while pregnant, to do what..? - randomly approach people and ask them if they knew z? hope he might by chance walk in at that precise moment? I wonder how many times you would have needed to have made the journey and how many hours you would have needed to have sat in those pubs each time in order for some of the self-righteous types on here to feel you made enough effort. Some people are just hard to trace - common surname, general unskilled manual job - you're right, bit of a needle in a haystack. Then and now. Having got a really common surname myself I can confirm it makes one very hard to find online sometimes (sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes not). And yes, I'm sure you could have always done more, but it seems like you acted entirely reasonably at the time, given the situation you were in and the info you had. Easy to look back (at someone elses life) and proclaim how you should have done it all differently. I imagine that for a while, in the early days you probably thought he might ring you - he did have your number after all. The fact he didn't ring must have felt like a bit of a rejection; it would have hardly given you the sense that he would receive the news of fatherhood well if he wasn't even bothered about getting in touch with you again. Who knows, maybe he lost your number. It's unknowable and I don't think you should beat yourself up over any of that, regardless of the fact that some people on here seem to be trying to make you do so.
I think some people are posting making their judgements without actually reading the thread - the people who are berating the OP for not knowing the surname, have you not read this bit?
I wrote down all the details I had for him in a notebook as soon as I knew I was pregnant and put it away for safekeeping, unfortunately some years later we had a flood and it as destroyed. I think I remember writing his surname down and what it was but I don't know if I'm actually remembering it or not or if I'm imagining that part. The surname I remember was a fairly common one (not quite Smith or Jones but close) so possibly not that helpful.
@LunaLula83 and all the others saying she should have remembered the surname - I'm sure if she'd known she was going to have a child with the man it would have then become something significant for her and she would have remembered, but given that she didn't know the future and his future significance, why on earth would she remember? I've had the grand total of one one-night-stand in my life. I didn't ask his surname, even if I had I doubt I'd have remembered it after being told once during that one encounter. Recently I was thinking through people I knew at school and colleagues I've worked with in different jobs and realised I can barely remember any surnames at all. Even people I knew for years back in the day. Sometimes common surnames are harder to remember than uncommon names. There's a whole undercurrent of clutching pearls judgement running through loads of the comments on here, seems unnecessary and unhelpful especially as the OP mentioned her feelings of regret in her first post.
I think DNA testing could be a useful route, but it's only really as useful as the amount of other people related to you who've already done it iyswim. I had a DNA test done, primarily for health reasons rather than ancestry, but because my details were then on the database I was approached by someone who "matched" - but this was a very distant match from someone in another country; it was fascinating but we never did find out how we are linked. DNA testing is going to get more useful as more and more people have it done - there will be more chances of someone related to your son being on there as years go by and it gets more popular as a "thing". Right now it could be useful, but equally it may just be that no-one on the father's side of the family has signed up to one of the DNA/Ancestry sites. It's still pretty expensive, so realistically if the dad was from a rough area and working in manual jobs, unless he's done well for himself (which is entirely possible of course) he may not be part of the demographic that's likely to be getting his Ancestry DNA done.
Someone I know was adopted and traced his birth mother after years of building up to it and wondering whether to try or not. I know that's a different situation; but it was hard for him because she very much did not want to be found. He needed counselling and support to get through it. I think whatever your son decides to do, going into it with support and without unrealistic expectations/hopes of how it might turn out is important.

I know that some children in these circumstances, or children who have been adopted, or children who have been donor conceived are not interested in who the biological father is. But some are. And some are not interested during childhood, but become interested when they themselves have children. The OP didn't know which category her child would fall into.
In many ways it's simpler and less risky not to trace the biological father. I get that. But personally, I think that doing what one can to find out who the dad is is a duty to the child. I also have a (limited) degree of concern for the father in these particular circumstances.

You did what you could at the time.
I would leave it now - it’s your son’s decision not yours. He may be genuinely not interested. If he is, I would with counselling to think about how he’ll react if father doesn’t want to to know, or the search is fruitless. Then - DNA Ancestry type test. He will not be likely to find his father, more likely I think he’d find a third cousin that has done some family tree building. Take it from there.

It’s not for you to hunt him down at this stage. Your DC is no longer a C so if they want to know they can look. You could write it down somewhere so if you pop your clogs early the info is there for them. Let it rest.

Don’t feel bad, society was quite different 20 years ago. You did what you thought was best at the time and it sounds like you’ve been a good parent.

I wonder is this regret something to do w DC now being an adult? It feels like you might be mourning for a life stage now gone. There is no point wondering what if - focus on moving forward.

@LunaLula83

Thats terrible you've forgotten his surname.

Why? The OP wasn’t expecting to get pregnant. Hush your mouth

I just saw this thread featured in a newspaper and felt I had to ask... how did you tell your DC?

I have a similar story as you. I feel the same as most of the other mums and let sleeping dogs lie and leave it up to your son. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt in the way he was conceived but my LB is the best thing in my life and I don’t regret anything.

I think my biggest fear is how I am going to tell him without him hating me. Can I ask you you first told your DC?

You and the childs father made your choices, that is what it is. Put your child first going forward, not what you now think is best for the child, but what the child wants now or might want in the future. From personal experience, your childs wishes in this respect may change radically throughout life (or maybe not), ranging from loving "not knowing" to feeling unable to think of anything else than meeting his father, and many points in between. Time is of the essence in tracing people as you know. Trace the father, find out while you still can. If you have tried everything, really reached the end, nothing more you can do, then when the time comes and your child wants to know, he will know you tried your utmost. If you do find the father, then I believe he should adopt the same principle - not reach out to your child unless the child wants it. Make it all about your childs best interests, not what you think they are now. Dont deny him the option in future, traceability gets harder as with each day that passes. As the Chinese proverb goes "the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now ".

@Kodi1 Thank you! It’s very reassuring you saying that as that’s what I’ve put in place for him. I’ve tried to search on social media but with no joy but everything I know is written down and put away for when he is older.

I have written him a letter before each birthday detailing his year and adventures we have had so that he knows that he is loved and very much wanted

I have a daughter and the circumstances are practically identical so I know exactly where you’re coming from . I never considered not having her and I really think she was affected less by not knowing her father than my other children who were let down badly by theirs . I try to find him every few years in case she asks . Ignore the haters and be proud of the son he has become thanks to you

Did you talk to ds this weekend?

Sorry - just to update, we did speak and he isn't bothered. He said he might want to know someday but as things are he doesn't feel any urge to contact him or know where he is/ anything more about him. It's not important to him.

I have said that we can talk anytime and if he changes his mind or ever wants to discuss it, we can whenever he wants.