to not have told him he has a child?

[alreadydonewith2021]

Some years ago, I met someone on a night out. There was an instant attraction, he ended up coming back to mine and we spent the night together.

I really liked him and hoped I'd see him again, so gave him my number. I didn't take his number, which as it turned out was unfortunate. I never heard from him again, which was disappointing but not the end of the world, these things happen I told myself. However a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I didn't have internet at home at the time and no one had Facebook etc anyway. I knew the rough area where he lived and possibly the pubs he went into (although the one I met him in wasn't his local, he was only there as a one off, as was I, I lived 30ish miles away).I had no one really to talk to about it or be a sounding board - no family and my then friends were all early 20s like me and pretty useless.

So I got on with things on my own, muddled through and never got in touch mainly because it just seemed impossible. My DC asked about their dad as a young child and I gave some information about what he looked like but they never asked more than that.

The older I get, I can't help regretting it. I know of course that he might not have wanted to know, or been a disruptive presence, but part of me feels sad that my child will never know their father and vice versa. I have several friends who have had babies by donor and at least they can provide their children with basic health information and background on their fathers, I can't even do that.

Realistically it's so long ago now that there's nothing I can do about it I don't think? I've not spoken to my DC about it in years, they don't ask and don't seem to need or want to know. I guess that might change in future though especially once they have their own children.

So why not try all the things people have suggested and then you can at least be able to tell your son what you have done/what info you have had to go on? Although to be honest it seems like you might not want to try in case you do find him.

@alreadydonewith2021

Thing is, most of you would probably have had a mum, or sister, or auntie or male relative to talk to about this. I had no one except a few not very close friends who were like 'his loss', and 'nothing you can do about it'. Not one person who knew ever suggested even trying to contact him in any way.

In terms of him contacting me, I mean that he took my number. He could have called, but didn't. Maybe he had a girlfriend, maybe he thought we lived too far apart. Maybe he just didn't see me as anything more than a ONS. It could be one or more of those. Obviously he couldn't have known about the baby, I'm not disputing that.

It's done and it was years ago so ignore the sniping and lectures. Please don't punish yourself for your child not knowing his dad. Honestly, there are a couple of people that I had a ONS with back then that I would have had no idea how to contact. You're not alone in that and there will be plenty of others who have made similar decisions to you.

I think you need to have a proper talk with your son and if he isn't initiating this then you can.
Be really honest as you have been, tell him what you know and ask what he wants to do.
The DNA thing sounds like it has potential.

Your child is an adult and if he wants to pursue it he can.
You did what you could with what you had at the time. Well done for raising your child on your own

[quote NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]**@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland you're posting though from the fortunate position of having met someone you wanted to marry and have a child with. It doesn't work out like that for everyone.

You were in your early 20s. I hadnt met someone I wanted to marry then either, and had a termination then.[/quote]
So you made different choices. Doesn't give you the right to attack hers because you'd never do it yourself. How is that helpful? You just couldn't resist getting a dig in could you.

But then I can't in a million years imagine getting accidentally pregnant by a near stranger and keeping it. Half of what I love about my DS is that he is my husbands son.

Wow.

Gettingshitstraight

If you dont want to hear other people's blunt opinions, the easy approach is to not post in AIBU. There are numerous other boards if you want tea & sympathy and to be told you are a "rock star".

There are some awful comments on here

"I know the area where he lived, what he did for a living, the sport he played at the weekend, and some relatively unusual tattoos he had. "

You could try looking for Facebook groups for the city/town/area and post a few messages saying you're looking for somebody with that description, if anybody knows him, would you be willing to pass on my contact details for him to get in touch.

The unusual tattoos should help.

Sorry if this idea has been mentioned on the thread, I don't have time to RTFT as I have to dash off now!

I'm not in my early 20s now and I'm still not married, so waiting in the hope that I might be would have been a bit foolish.

I have done some FB digging, nothing has come up. I've googled the limited info I have, and ditto. I'm not going to start putting stuff on local FB pages because I don't want an adverse reaction and also because I need to speak to my son about it first.

Working out where he is by some anonymous internet sleuthing is one thing, it would be good to have that info to give to my son IF he wants to try and reach out. But I don't want to set hares running by someone telling this guy a woman is looking for him etc, that wouldn't be fair on my son especially if he decides he's not bothered about trying to contact his father or even knowing any more about him.

@Oreservoir I don’t think posters are being nasty. You have looked at it from OPs point of view. I feel for OP of course her support network seemed non existent. However the real shame in this is her child adult or not the principle remains the same!.
I don’t believe for a minute that her child never asked questions.

My ds who is 6 asks me all sorts and sometimes it makes me reflect upon my own life and my own dad who isn’t around but I do know him.I think the chances are slim considering OP doesn’t even seem to remember the name..

God forbid anything happening to OP because her child now doesn’t even know the father and the fathers family. A blunt opinion is needed here.

I couldn’t live with myself and I don’t think I could of kept a baby not knowing the dad in these circumstances that is what I could not live with haunting me until the day I die. Looking at my child who may look like the dad but I can’t quite remember.

I dont really know how anyone can stick the boot in, you got pregnant on a ONS, it happens, were all young and dumb at some point.. Life lessons!

Life was very different back 20yrs ago, you wasn't much older than I would have been, and it could have very easily been me, or any of my friends, mobiles didn't really come a big thing with Internet and photos until what 2009?
I barely have any photos of my son when he was a baby, my Facebook only really picks up from about 2012.

You've done a fantastic job bringing up a child alone, and you've been open and honest with your child.

You don't know his circumstances from then, or much about him, and its alright saying oh you should have been trudging around looking for him, but reality is that you lived 30 miles away, public transport wasn't as advanced.

Start a new note book and jot down anything you remember about him as and when you do, and if your child asks again offer to pay for the dna ancestry which may bring up links to family members, that is a lot more common nowadays.

Good luck

@DinosaurDiana

For me personally I think it’s the right of both the father and child to know, unless that would put someone in a dangerous position.

Really? I’m kind of the other way of this. This man had 1 night stand and unprotected sex and disappeared over the horizon. Not great...but as OP says one of those things. But the OP chose to continue the pregnancy right from the get go knowing she’d be on her own. He did not get to know that before she gave birth and discuss options or his involvement with the child. She didn’t really move heaven and earth to track him down at point she found she was pregnant. Now whatever you think of her actions, this man has no idea his 1 night of irresponsible sex resulted in a child that he has had no opportunity to be involved with for however many years. Now she’s feeling guilty she didn’t make a lot of effort, she wants to rock up and tell him - just to relieve her guilt for not making contact from the start for her child’s sake. She could absolutely devastate his life, his other potential children’s life etc. And why? Is her child going to be better off knowing who there dad is? Especially as they’ve known for years that mum doesn’t know who dad is? What if they find out that dad co

Sorry..pressed ..

Just seems this is about off loading her guilt in not making enough effort at the time and choosing to go it alone with having a child and not thinking at that point of the impact on the child not knowing their dad.

It’s only now she being challenged by the child that she feels guilty.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Gettingshitstraight

If you dont want to hear other people's blunt opinions, the easy approach is to not post in AIBU. There are numerous other boards if you want tea & sympathy and to be told you are a "rock star".

You're shit stirring and you know it.

My son doesn't look like him - similar build to him but in terms of colouring and features he looks very like me (baby photos of me and of DS are almost identical). I can remember what he looked like, although after 20 years he probably looks completely different, I know I do.

DNA search? The ''my heritage'' sites?

I wouldn’t track him down without discussing it with your son first.

Open the door to the conversation with your son and say you’ll help if he wants to look.

Also @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland stop being such a bitch.

@Same4Walls
How long ago was this if no one had facebook? Are you very very young?

I don’t think the son needs to be involved at this point. If OP can find the guy, she can keep all his information on file. (Assuming she doesn’t have another flood). And leave it for her son to decide whether he’s interested in pursuing it or not. If the details are there he has the option.

For those suggesting op should have say in every local pub day in day out, for how long? So she sits in the Crown Mondays, the Dog Tuesdays, The Elm Tree Wednesdays and The Crown Elm Tiger Fridays. But what of he isn't a weekday drinker. So Crown and Dog first Day, other two first Sunday and then swap the following fortnight.

For a month? 6 months? 9? With a new baby?
Presumably op would have given up work to do this and would have had to spend hundreds to sit in the pub every day drinking lemonade for months on end.

And that's not too add in a bit very salubrious area where a young woman on her own is likely to attract "friendly" negative attention.

I think without a surname there was nothing you could even do to find him.

Raising a child entirely alone is hard. Well done x

@SleepingStandingUp

For those suggesting op should have say in every local pub day in day out, for how long? So she sits in the Crown Mondays, the Dog Tuesdays, The Elm Tree Wednesdays and The Crown Elm Tiger Fridays. But what of he isn't a weekday drinker. So Crown and Dog first Day, other two first Sunday and then swap the following fortnight. For a month? 6 months? 9? With a new baby? Presumably op would have given up work to do this and would have had to spend hundreds to sit in the pub every day drinking lemonade for months on end.

And that's not too add in a bit very salubrious area where a young woman on her own is likely to attract "friendly" negative attention.

Stupid comment and extreme. If your house was burning on fire and your child was inside are just going to stand there and watch or would you at least attempt to get them out of the house? OP didn’t even try so how you have the utter cheek to say how long should she have done it for well she didn’t look at all! Hence the thread.

I was in a similar situation 30 years ago - I'd met the guy in central London, had no idea where he lived, no mobile phones but he had number of the payphone in my accommodation. He contacted me a few times (old fashioned booty call I guess!!) and always came to mine. I fell pregnant and never heard from him again - left with his first name (incredibly common), NE accent and a shirt he left behind! I decided on termination for various reasons (certainly not just because of my non - relationship)! but felt awful afterwards and spent a lot of time trawling round the haunts I knew he frequented. Never saw him again. I don't even know why I was looking - I guess just to let him know that between us we'd caused a situation which had hurt me a lot....

@Notmoreuodates5 because people are posting saying they'd have done it all, they'd have say in a rough pub alone on the off chance he walked in even though to do that as more than a tokenistic gesture isn't reasonable. Yes she COULD have visited SOME of the pubs she THOUGHT he drank at on the off chance that that's the day and time he came in
Perhaps all those people would then be applauding her for trying but I suspect they'd still have expected more.
So I'm asking, how much would be enough? How much of your life and wellbeing of you and your child would you have sacrificed?

Not really that than translates in me have utter cheek to date to have an opinion that differs to you though