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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have told him he has a child?

269 replies

alreadydonewith2021 · 20/01/2021 15:02

Some years ago, I met someone on a night out. There was an instant attraction, he ended up coming back to mine and we spent the night together.

I really liked him and hoped I'd see him again, so gave him my number. I didn't take his number, which as it turned out was unfortunate. I never heard from him again, which was disappointing but not the end of the world, these things happen I told myself. However a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I didn't have internet at home at the time and no one had Facebook etc anyway. I knew the rough area where he lived and possibly the pubs he went into (although the one I met him in wasn't his local, he was only there as a one off, as was I, I lived 30ish miles away).I had no one really to talk to about it or be a sounding board - no family and my then friends were all early 20s like me and pretty useless.

So I got on with things on my own, muddled through and never got in touch mainly because it just seemed impossible. My DC asked about their dad as a young child and I gave some information about what he looked like but they never asked more than that.

The older I get, I can't help regretting it. I know of course that he might not have wanted to know, or been a disruptive presence, but part of me feels sad that my child will never know their father and vice versa. I have several friends who have had babies by donor and at least they can provide their children with basic health information and background on their fathers, I can't even do that.

Realistically it's so long ago now that there's nothing I can do about it I don't think? I've not spoken to my DC about it in years, they don't ask and don't seem to need or want to know. I guess that might change in future though especially once they have their own children.

OP posts:
Notmoreuodates5 · 21/01/2021 14:06

It’s a bleak situation you asked me and I have told you what I would have done. I would move heaven and earth for my child. I can appreciate it’s a long shot. It’s not impossible is what I’m saying well not at the time. Your assuming someone wouldn’t of put OP in the right direction. It’s a possibility.

It’s better to try than not try at all. I feel for OPs Son.

Original poster
alreadydonewith2021 · 21/01/2021 14:13

@Imaginetoday

Sorry..pressed ..

Just seems this is about off loading her guilt in not making enough effort at the time and choosing to go it alone with having a child and not thinking at that point of the impact on the child not knowing their dad.

It’s only now she being challenged by the child that she feels guilty.

That's incorrect, he hasn't 'challenged' me at al. It's years since he even mentioned his father (he only ever mentions my Ex, who he considers his stepdad, on the couple of occasions yearly he sees him). This is something I've been thinking about as my son moves into adulthood and towards having a family of his own.

@TatianaBis the approach I'm taking is along the lines you mention. If I manage to find any info online, I'll screenshot, save links etc on my hard drive and email copies to myself. And if once DS and I have discussed it, he's interested in knowing more, I can share that with him. Or if not, I'll keep it in case he changes his mind at some point in the future.

And of course if there is no information I can find, I'll still talk to DS about it, and help him with any DNA type stuff if that's something he'd like to explore, whether now or in future.

@wannabebetter I'm sorry you found yourself in this position too, completely understand why you tried looking for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
alreadydonewith2021 · 21/01/2021 14:20

I could have gone and sat in pubs, scared and alone. I wouldn't have been able to ask about him so I would basically have been hoping he walked in. I never got introduced to his friends properly, saw them as a group but didn't pay any attention and wouldn't have recognised any of them if they'd come in, only him. And I didn't know if he was a weekday or weekend drinker, so it would have meant sitting in pubs for hours at a time (back when you could still smoke in pubs too, not a healthy environment) on the offchance of seeing him, and I still might not have done.

I agree that if I had been on a couple of Saturdays and been unsuccessful, some posters would be saying I should have gone midweek, or other days/ times, taken annual leave...if I didn't find him it would be because I wasn't trying hard enough.

OP posts:
Goingtothebudgies · 21/01/2021 14:25

I don't think going to some pubs is too much to ask for your child to know who their father is. And for the guy to have the chance to know his own child. This massively affects their whole lives.

Boysarebackintown · 21/01/2021 14:26

@Grapewrath

There are some awful comments on here
Yep MN at its very worst.
BogRollBOGOF · 21/01/2021 14:28

Your child is an adult. It's their call now. All you can do is to be open about what you know. That is all that is owed.

I met my father in my late 20s. It was a casual relationship rather than a ONS, and he did know of my existence. I was curious but had a strong backlash through my mother who took the rejection very hard for many years. As it happens, I knew enough to get in touch but he made the first move on Friends Reunited, I responded and it worked out. I wanted to be in a stable phase before risking bringing that potential turmoil into my life, there could have been rejection involved.

You've raised a child to adulthood, singlehandedly for much of it. You have much to be proud of.

(And stuff the ridiculous staking out the pubs suggestions)

Goingtothebudgies · 21/01/2021 14:31

Going to some pubs is not a ridiculous suggestion - it was the OP's own view of what she could have done, and it might have worked.
Can you imagine conceiving a child and no-one bothering to tell you about its existence?
Or growing up with no idea of who your father is, because your mother decided not to spend a few hours in some pubs?

Wheresmykimchi · 21/01/2021 14:32

@Goingtothebudgies

Going to some pubs is not a ridiculous suggestion - it was the OP's own view of what she could have done, and it might have worked. Can you imagine conceiving a child and no-one bothering to tell you about its existence? Or growing up with no idea of who your father is, because your mother decided not to spend a few hours in some pubs?
Confused
TatianaBis · 21/01/2021 14:33

If I manage to find any info online, I'll screenshot, save links etc on my hard drive and email copies to myself. And if once DS and I have discussed it, he's interested in knowing more, I can share that with him. Or if not, I'll keep it in case he changes his mind at some point in the future.

Saved links are no use as they expire.

If you do find him you should really let him know he has a kid.

Stillgoings · 21/01/2021 14:41

How about a local newspaper archive search? So search for the name of the school you think he went to and his first name with a rough set of dates. Or even just the school names.and dates and see what comes up. You might find a person of about the same age with an unusual.name, then put that name into Facebook and see who their friends are. Maybe if you are lucky you'll get him. It's a bit harder these days when a lot of people have their friends lists locked down. Ancestry would be another shout but when the relatives who come up a few times removed its really hard to tell who is on what side. Or what about a private detective? I wonder if they could do it for you??

Original poster
alreadydonewith2021 · 21/01/2021 14:44

My DS is an adult now so any action around contacting his father has to be his decision.

I will support him whatever he decides but (in the event I can find his father via the internet which is unlikely) I'm not going to contact him unless I've discussed it with DS first and that is what he wants to do.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 21/01/2021 14:50

Obviously DS has to be involved in any decision to contact his father.

I think you need to make the effort now because if you don't and something happens to you - the only realistic way he could find him would be via DNA.

A friend of mine who was adopted had no interest at all in his birth family until his late 20s when it became a central quest. He found them and it all worked out, but you can't take lack of bother and interest now as permanent.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2021 14:51

@alreadydonewith2021

I could have gone and sat in pubs, scared and alone. I wouldn't have been able to ask about him so I would basically have been hoping he walked in. I never got introduced to his friends properly, saw them as a group but didn't pay any attention and wouldn't have recognised any of them if they'd come in, only him. And I didn't know if he was a weekday or weekend drinker, so it would have meant sitting in pubs for hours at a time (back when you could still smoke in pubs too, not a healthy environment) on the offchance of seeing him, and I still might not have done.

I agree that if I had been on a couple of Saturdays and been unsuccessful, some posters would be saying I should have gone midweek, or other days/ times, taken annual leave...if I didn't find him it would be because I wasn't trying hard enough.

Basically op if you were a good a parent as some posters, you'd have sat in the various pubs until you have birth on the snooker table or he walked in. Screw the job or your well-being or any danger it might have put you in.
SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2021 14:52

@Goingtothebudgies

Going to some pubs is not a ridiculous suggestion - it was the OP's own view of what she could have done, and it might have worked. Can you imagine conceiving a child and no-one bothering to tell you about its existence? Or growing up with no idea of who your father is, because your mother decided not to spend a few hours in some pubs?
But it's not some hours is it. This was my question. How many hours over how many weeks would a young woman have to sit alone in pubs in a dodgy area to prove to her child she tried?
Cotswolds10 · 21/01/2021 14:58

@BlueGreenDreams

"He has a right to know"

Does he heck as like. If he was interested in any potential consequences of his "fuck n run" act, he would have phoned OP at least once.

Again, it's down to the woman to do all the running, searching, pay for a private investigator for heaven's sake. Nah, sod that.

Tell your child the truth though, they deserve to know why they don't know their father.

Exactly my thoughts. He knew there was a potential for creating a child and HE was the one that could have made contact but didn’t. This isn’t on the OP. But if your child ever wants to know, OP, then I would certainly let be supportive in helping to look for him.
Wheresmykimchi · 21/01/2021 15:11

@SleepingStandingUp bit of a sexist imbalance there. Nobody has any obligation to contact a ONS.

Original poster
alreadydonewith2021 · 21/01/2021 15:23

I didn't intend for it to be purely a ONS (although there was always a risk it wouldn't be more), I liked him and wanted to see him again, I wouldn't have given him my number otherwise. Quite possibly he went into it in the knowledge he'd never see me again, and chucked my number out of the window on the train home or whatever. I don't know and really now it doesn't matter whether he did or didn't.

OP posts:
thelongwayhome · 21/01/2021 15:28

My grandfather had a family before he met my grandmother. From the sounds of it, he left one day and never returned. I managed to find them on Facebook after a lot of digging through marriage and birth records, because we have a very unusual surname and obviously I have all the details about where my grandparents lived and were born etc. But it still took weeks, and paying to access ancestry websites etc. (in the end, was threatened with being disinherited if I contacted them, so didn't). What info you've got doesn't seem like enough to really go off, and even if you did find a name, who's to say you'd find him on social media, lots of people have fake names, nicknames or don't use it at all now.
I wouldn't have gone and sat in dirty pubs whilst pregnant on the off chance he'd come in either.
Ball is in your child's court now imo.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2021 15:29

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@SleepingStandingUp bit of a sexist imbalance there. Nobody has any obligation to contact a ONS.[/quote]
What?? How is my asking how long posters expected op to hang around in the pub to find theDad me being sexist?

Wheresmykimchi · 21/01/2021 15:37

Feck sorry @SleepingStandingUp. Kimchis inability to read strikes again.

My comment was for @Cotswolds10

SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2021 15:38

Ah that's ok, no harm done

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/01/2021 15:46

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I find it crazy that you went ahead with a pregnancy and didnt exhaust every possible avenue to locate and inform the father Shock.

I would have placed ads in local press, left a note with the bar with as many details as possible to ask them to watch out for him, checked local pubs and venues related to hobbies, anything really.

Not fair on the child and not fair on the man although his fault for not wearing a condom on a one night stand.

Are you having a laugh?
BrassyLocks · 21/01/2021 15:49

I'm stunned at the nastiness on this thread, and people saying they don't believe the OP's son doesn't ask. My grandmother took the secret of her child's father to the grave. Other family members asked, but my dad never did. Some people just deal with things differently. Some people are really curious about their family history and others couldn't give a toss.

NoIdontWatchLoveIsland loves her son because he is half of the man she married. Righto. So single mother or rape victim or mother with a bastard ex can't love her child. If she does it can only be what, half? Utterly ridiculous and self-satisfied thing to say.

2021hastobebetter · 21/01/2021 15:59

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I find it crazy that you went ahead with a pregnancy and didnt exhaust every possible avenue to locate and inform the father Shock.

I would have placed ads in local press, left a note with the bar with as many details as possible to ask them to watch out for him, checked local pubs and venues related to hobbies, anything really.

Not fair on the child and not fair on the man although his fault for not wearing a condom on a one night stand.

Really -man has sex. Woman has sex. Woman gives him number. He doesn't. She finds out she is pregnant and despite being pregnant and the shock etc- is expected prior to days of the internet to roam the streets for missing guy. Who could live anywhere -or given a false name -or anything. Jesus wept.

I wouldn't. I'd look after myself and my baby.

Wheresmykimchi · 21/01/2021 16:04

@2021hastobebetter agreed