to not have told him he has a child?

[alreadydonewith2021]

Some years ago, I met someone on a night out. There was an instant attraction, he ended up coming back to mine and we spent the night together.

I really liked him and hoped I'd see him again, so gave him my number. I didn't take his number, which as it turned out was unfortunate. I never heard from him again, which was disappointing but not the end of the world, these things happen I told myself. However a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I didn't have internet at home at the time and no one had Facebook etc anyway. I knew the rough area where he lived and possibly the pubs he went into (although the one I met him in wasn't his local, he was only there as a one off, as was I, I lived 30ish miles away).I had no one really to talk to about it or be a sounding board - no family and my then friends were all early 20s like me and pretty useless.

So I got on with things on my own, muddled through and never got in touch mainly because it just seemed impossible. My DC asked about their dad as a young child and I gave some information about what he looked like but they never asked more than that.

The older I get, I can't help regretting it. I know of course that he might not have wanted to know, or been a disruptive presence, but part of me feels sad that my child will never know their father and vice versa. I have several friends who have had babies by donor and at least they can provide their children with basic health information and background on their fathers, I can't even do that.

Realistically it's so long ago now that there's nothing I can do about it I don't think? I've not spoken to my DC about it in years, they don't ask and don't seem to need or want to know. I guess that might change in future though especially once they have their own children.

You could get really lucky on Facebook.

If you know one of two schools he went to, that he likes football and which team and his rough age, as long as his Facebook profile is relatively open you should be able to find a subset of people with these Facebook ‘interests’ / educational histories, then look at their profile photos

Thanks for the kind words especially @billy1966 and @numberthirtytwoWindsorGardens what you've said is really kind.

I know not everyone would have kept a baby in my situation, but I never thought I'd end up married and with children, men tended to see me more as fun rather than girlfriend/ wife material. I expected to stay single, hit mid 30s and go via the donor sperm route. So when this happened I just thought ok, not how I planned it, 10 years too soon but let's get on with it, and so I did. I didn't think I'd get pregnant via a ONS but of course it happens as I can evidence!

I am sorry for those of you who reached out to your fathers and got a negative response, or no response at all. I do agree this is my son's decision entirely, and I don't want to influence him to do anything else than what he wants to do. I'm thinking about it I suppose because he's getting older, will be leaving home soon and maybe even starting a family and I expect he may start thinking about his family and his dad. I'm also more conscious of it as he recently started his first serious relationship, and his girlfriend has a huge family of parents, grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, you name it. Over Christmas they had a family zoom party which they invited him to with about 30 of them, which he seemed to really enjoy. Whereas we are just me and him, there's not even enough of us to have a family Whatsapp group! (girlfriend's family have several for the various branches).

just to add as well...in terms of trying to find his dad back then, at first, part of me hoped he'd get in touch or I'd just randomly see him. Later, when I took my son to football tournaments as a child I'd be scanning all the other dads there in case I saw him (assuming I'd recognise him of course, by then nearly 10 years later).

The area where this guy was from is not great, the pubs I believe he drank in where not the sort of places I would have gone, even then, especially not on my own. In terms of finding him, the job he was doing was just a job, not a professional career or even a trade, all of which would have helped find him then or even now (and of course he could be doing anything now). I have done some searching on FB today since starting this thread, I can't find him by his possible surname, I've tried just first name and school but nothing there either. Obviously he may not even be on facebook, or he might have gone to a school out of the area. Or he might not have school on his facebook (I don't on mine). So no further forward as yet.

I think if you find yourself pregnant and on your own, your mind turns to the practicalities of the situations rather than trying to track down the Dad. The OP has done a fantastic job of bringing up her son single handed and she be applauded (as should all single parents). Try and focus on the great achievements you have made rather than persuing the mythical dad for your child. You've already done the heavy lifting of both parents and that's all that mattered. You're a rock star.

@BarefootInTheMoonlitSnow

I agree trying to find a bit more about him if you can, it will be hard to experience whenever you have conversations with your kids but a bit worse to not have done as much as you can along the way (even if that way is long and done at your pace)

One problem I’ll flag, for you and others, is that unless you are phone/face with the person you cannot know if your initial message was a) wrong address, b) badly received c) put them in shock mode, so its bloody hard to know what’s appropriate in terns of following up that initial reach out.

And raising a child alone, particularly the immediate bit, doesn’t lend itself to adding another difficult thing about the joint creation of the child, alone, so I completely the normal decision to kick it into the long grass and spread out the hunt for someone who may or may not be actually evading being found.

Find out what you can OP, about him (contact details most reliable method to be opened by himself)

The take some time to think over your hopes/fears, perhaps with a counsellor, perhaps alone, then with a counsellor so you have more time to fully explore how you feel.

He could contact you out of the blue/they could start asking tomorrow, or not for years, starting to prepare how you will feel/cope is the only sensible thing to do for you right now (& how that fits in with normal lp life)

Best of luck, never a good age/time when there’s separation and general life events intervening so best advice: prepare yourself as best you can.

Unless I'm misunderstanding OP didn't message him?

Yes I didn't message him at the time because I didn't have his number or know how to contact him.

We had one of those 'shall I give you my number or do you want to to give me yours?...' moments. It had been drummed into me that you should let the man contact you, so I gave him my number and didn't take his. With the benefit of hindsight I would have simply exchanged numbers.

@brushandmop

If your child decides to persue their father, please make sure they can handle a really bad outcome.

I was in the same position as your child. I knew surname though and location. Got told to basically fuck off and I never want to hear from you again.

It didn't really upset me because you can't lose what you never had, but your child might react differently. It is really unlikely the father is going to want to be involved now. You have done all the hard work and should be proud. You made a decision not to find the father, a perfectly reasonable decision. Enjoy your life.

Don't create your own chaos.

I don’t think it was reasonable of OP to make that decision of not tracking down the father and then turn around say well I raised you alone and I’ve done my best . Then at 18 your expected or offered to attempt to track your own dad down and form a relationship.

Some other things you could try:

Facebook groups for his local/where you met - is he a member of any of these? I’ve been a member of a group set up to remember an old nightclub we all used to go to for example.

Local football supporter groups on Facebook.

What job did he do exactly? You say it wasn’t a trade/profession but worth searching this in google with what you think his name is/or similar names and the area. Might throw up something like an old newspaper article for example. Worth a try.

You could have,and should have,made some effort to find him and tell him.
He has missed out on years of his child's life,can you really not see how wrong that is?
Equally,for your dc's sake this is important.
Think how much you love your dc yet you have denied him the chance of his dad's love and his dad of knowing that love From his dc.
Granted,he may have not wanted to know but you were being very unreasonable to not have made every effort.
Hopefully you can put this right now with the internet and such.

I'm not sure what OP could really have done go find him at the time.

A poster mentioned it was easier in the 90s I think it was tbh. I’m 29 and I remember my mother’s Motoralo mobile phone with a black flip...and I remember my brother and I having phones “Sagems”.

OP could have asked around the local area at the time. I would have sat in the pub all afternoon to trace the father of my child.

With less social media back the. Word of mouth and looking for someone would not have been unusual to ask around...

I knew roughly the area he lived (very roughly) and that he drank in local pubs. But I didn't know it was the Rose and Crown on the High Street, it was more that he'd referred to being down the local, so one of the pubs near the approximate area where he lived.

Would you really, in your early 20s, have travelled an hour by public transport to go and sit in a dodgy pub on your own in case he walked in? I simply didn't have the confidence to have done this at that age. Also I don't come from a particularly salubrious area and where he was from is worse, asking about people in pubs would set off suspicions you were 'Old Bill' or something and get a poor reception. Even now on our local FB page if someone posts for example - looking for Bill Smith, used to live on Crescent Road' the immediate response is why are you looking for him?

I could have tried to look for him but I might well not have found him. Equally he could have called me, and if he had, I would of course have told him (once I found out) that I was pregnant. I never had any intention to withhold the info deliberately. And I had no one around me to help or guide, I was on my own with this. No forums like MN to post on then (or at least not that I had access to).

Friends of mine live in a large town, but one where everyone knows everyone - they constantly see people they know in the supermarket, park, coffee shop etc. In that kind of place even 20 years ago it would have been easy to track him down, but not everywhere is like that.

@alreadydonewith2021

I knew roughly the area he lived (very roughly) and that he drank in local pubs. But I didn't know it was the Rose and Crown on the High Street, it was more that he'd referred to being down the local, so one of the pubs near the approximate area where he lived.

Would you really, in your early 20s, have travelled an hour by public transport to go and sit in a dodgy pub on your own in case he walked in? I simply didn't have the confidence to have done this at that age. Also I don't come from a particularly salubrious area and where he was from is worse, asking about people in pubs would set off suspicions you were 'Old Bill' or something and get a poor reception. Even now on our local FB page if someone posts for example - looking for Bill Smith, used to live on Crescent Road' the immediate response is why are you looking for him?

I could have tried to look for him but I might well not have found him. Equally he could have called me, and if he had, I would of course have told him (once I found out) that I was pregnant. I never had any intention to withhold the info deliberately. And I had no one around me to help or guide, I was on my own with this. No forums like MN to post on then (or at least not that I had access to).

Friends of mine live in a large town, but one where everyone knows everyone - they constantly see people they know in the supermarket, park, coffee shop etc. In that kind of place even 20 years ago it would have been easy to track him down, but not everywhere is like that.

It's interesting you say equally he could have called you, but he didn't have the info you had

I find it crazy that you went ahead with a pregnancy and didnt exhaust every possible avenue to locate and inform the father .

I would have placed ads in local press, left a note with the bar with as many details as possible to ask them to watch out for him, checked local pubs and venues related to hobbies, anything really.

Not fair on the child and not fair on the man although his fault for not wearing a condom on a one night stand.

Yes. Yes I would have. I would feel uncomfortable being pregnant and people asking me about it so that is maybe a big factor I would feel self conscious about this did your friends not ask who the dad was?

There’s no guarantees it would of worked but at least I would have TRIED. Travelling an hour on a bus isn’t a big deal given Your circumstances.

For me your tone has changed. He could have called you yes OP. But it’s not his responsibility!! He didn’t know you can’t judge a guy for that can you? I can relate to the one night stand thing... but the blame is on you because he had choices just like YOU. You chose to keep the baby so it really was down to you to try and you didn’t. I suspect deep down you full well know this OP.

I don't know why pp's are being so nasty.
The op did what she could af the time. She didn't know the area well and she was pregnant too.
Her head was probably spinning anyway with the upheaval of it all.
And if the guy had a gf he most likely deliberately didn't ring the op.
Can't see him being thrilled at someone from a ons
turning up pregnant.

Would you really, in your early 20s, have travelled an hour by public transport to go and sit in a dodgy pub on your own in case he walked in?

Yes . Of course.

Having a child with someone is a huge huge decision & he deserved to know. He has a SON he has no idea exists. I can't think of much I would not have done to find him.

But then I can't in a million years imagine getting accidentally pregnant by a near stranger and keeping it. Half of what I love about my DS is that he is my husbands son.

Best to leave well alone now

Thing is, most of you would probably have had a mum, or sister, or auntie or male relative to talk to about this. I had no one except a few not very close friends who were like 'his loss', and 'nothing you can do about it'. Not one person who knew ever suggested even trying to contact him in any way.

In terms of him contacting me, I mean that he took my number. He could have called, but didn't. Maybe he had a girlfriend, maybe he thought we lived too far apart. Maybe he just didn't see me as anything more than a ONS. It could be one or more of those. Obviously he couldn't have known about the baby, I'm not disputing that.

I think you've done a great job OP, don't think about it anymore.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland you're posting though from the fortunate position of having met someone you wanted to marry and have a child with. It doesn't work out like that for everyone.

I've never been married and probably never will. If I'd waited to be married to have a child I would have remained childless.

Whilst I am and always have been pro-choice, for me raising a child alone was not a justifiable reason for abortion. I would not have been able to live with that decision.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

But then I can't in a million years imagine getting accidentally pregnant by a near stranger and keeping it. Half of what I love about my DS is that he is my husbands son.

Well we're getting to the truth here aren't we. Smug, judgmental and fucking rude.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland you're posting though from the fortunate position of having met someone you wanted to marry and have a child with. It doesn't work out like that for everyone.

You were in your early 20s. I hadnt met someone I wanted to marry then either, and had a termination then.

fucking rude

Fucking rude to create a human being with another person and not tell them.