to not have told him he has a child?

[alreadydonewith2021]

Some years ago, I met someone on a night out. There was an instant attraction, he ended up coming back to mine and we spent the night together.

I really liked him and hoped I'd see him again, so gave him my number. I didn't take his number, which as it turned out was unfortunate. I never heard from him again, which was disappointing but not the end of the world, these things happen I told myself. However a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I didn't have internet at home at the time and no one had Facebook etc anyway. I knew the rough area where he lived and possibly the pubs he went into (although the one I met him in wasn't his local, he was only there as a one off, as was I, I lived 30ish miles away).I had no one really to talk to about it or be a sounding board - no family and my then friends were all early 20s like me and pretty useless.

So I got on with things on my own, muddled through and never got in touch mainly because it just seemed impossible. My DC asked about their dad as a young child and I gave some information about what he looked like but they never asked more than that.

The older I get, I can't help regretting it. I know of course that he might not have wanted to know, or been a disruptive presence, but part of me feels sad that my child will never know their father and vice versa. I have several friends who have had babies by donor and at least they can provide their children with basic health information and background on their fathers, I can't even do that.

Realistically it's so long ago now that there's nothing I can do about it I don't think? I've not spoken to my DC about it in years, they don't ask and don't seem to need or want to know. I guess that might change in future though especially once they have their own children.

Your DS clearly isn’t that bothered about meeting him, he’d have probed you more or searched for him if he wanted to. I’d just leave it personally.

How do you forget the surname of your childs father?

You need to do one of those 'I'm looking for so and so, this is the info I have' posts on facebook and find him.

Fwiw, I certainly would have trawled his local pubs to find him at the time.

@ElizaLaLa

How do you forget the surname of your childs father?

You need to do one of those 'I'm looking for so and so, this is the info I have' posts on facebook and find him.

Fwiw, I certainly would have trawled his local pubs to find him at the time.

She had a ONS with a guy she didn't know before it (not judging, just stating a fact here). I'd have forgotten their surname 3 days later, nevermind 3-4 weeks later on finding out I was pregnant.

Being the child of a 1 night stand is hard on a child. Not disastrous, and I'm sure the OP's done a good job of bringing her DS up, but I do think that the OP owed it to him to try to find the father while she had a chance of being successful (as soon as she found out she was pregnant). Even if that meant going to pubs on a Friday and Saturday night for a couple of weeks. Even if the pubs were a bit grubby.
She could even have stuck up some adverts - using a Box number.

OP you sound like a decent person. Please ignore all the idiotic should have could have comments on here. I wish you the best of luck if your son wants to try searching.

How do you forget the surname of your childs father? You need to do one of those 'I'm looking for so and so, this is the info I have' posts on facebook and find him. Fwiw, I certainly would have trawled his local pubs to find him at the time. She had a ONS with a guy she didn't know before it (not judging, just stating a fact here). I'd have forgotten their surname 3 days later, nevermind 3-4 weeks later on finding out I was pregnant

She wrote it down but lost it in a fire or flood, if you read the whole thread.

The reason the op is getting a hard time here is because she didn't even try.

She can justify it all she likes with 'oh he might be a racist' - really? REALLY? - But it still comes down to she didn't even try and is now putting it on her son to do so.

If he decides not to at the moment, what if op dies? He's got no chance of ever getting anywhere with this.

OP needs to take responsibility for finding him and put that info away until her son wants it. She can then protect him if the bloke wants nothing to do with him.

Woman up op.

OP needs to take responsibility for finding him and put that info away until her son wants it. She can then protect him if the bloke wants nothing to do with him

The OPs son is now an adult. Who has said he doesn't want it.

I can't in a million years imagine being such a judgemental bitch to a stranger on the internet but there you go. It takes all sorts.
Well done op for having the courage to go it alone at such a young age and for making all the sacrifices that you did to raise him by yourself. The fact that he didn't really ask many questions just shows he did not feel he was lacking in the parent department and that is thanks to you x

op I think this the ball is very much on your son's court if he wants to locate his father, you need to have a conversation and prepare him for the possibility that a) he might not be able to track him down b) if he does, his father might not want anything to do with him.

Also, op you've been incredibly restrained and gracious in the face of a lot of unwarranted hostility from some posters whose comments on this thread make them look like judgement puritanical arseaches.

OP frankly you sound fab, not sure why some posters have decided to stick the boot in but there we go ...

Re finding him if you know the football club maybe see if there is a supporters group for it on FB and then search the members for the first name he gave you?

Goodness there are some very judgmental people on this thread.

I had 2 one night stands many years ago. One of them I remember because it was Charles/di's wedding day, he had a flat in cricklewood. I don't think I even asked him his name and we certainly didn't swap details. I would never have been able to find him again. The other was some gorgeous guy I met at a party, his name was Mike and that's all I knew about him.

If I had got pregnant by either of these two men there's not a chance in hell they would know about it. People are so used to living in this technological world they seem to forget what it was like before.

In all honesty I've heard worse than on this thread. When DS was a baby my health visitor about father's details...can't remember the ins and outs but she asked something about where he lived, had I not been to his house etc and I said I didn't know, and no I hadn't; she went all cat's bum mouth at me and said 'well you clearly didn't know him very well did you? Did you think it was right to have a baby in those circumstances?' I was quite restrained and said something like that was nothing to do with her. Wish I'd said more at the time!

I've been very reticent about telling anyone about the circumstances of his conception because people judge; most people who have only known me since DS was school age assume his dad is my ex partner. There's only about 3 people I'm in contact with who know the truth (friends I've known since before DS was born), plus my current partner (and I only told him very recently). I never even told my Ex the full story, only that I wasn't in contact with his dad and he'd never been in his life. Which is what I've also said if anyone asked directly about his dad/ if Ex was his dad.

I'd not thought of the football route, they're a club with a really big following (and a bad reputation) even though not Premier league but maybe worth a try.

It's very tough on the boy, and his mother had the chance to put in a little bit of effort - a few hours - with a reasonable chance of finding the father. When you think about the thousands of hours of effort she must have put into his life since then. Why not give him the chance to have a relationship with his father? Especially important for a boy (or so they say). Now he's an adult - it's a very different thing.

I think your best bet is a family history / DNA site. My mum uses them to trace family history and she's made come into contact with all sorts of distant cousins and other relatives.

Your DS would need to do it though. He needs to be aware that in the unlikely event that his dad has uploaded his DNA to one of those sites, it will come up with a match and the database may inform him a relative who's probably his child is also on the database.

This is because when the database finds DNA matches it guesses on how you're related based on the similarity of your DNA. If it's something like a third or 4th cousin it can't be very exact, but a parent-child relationship is very clear IIRC.

There may well be some kind of privacy settings to stop that happening. I don't know. My mum is trying to find relatives so it makes sense she'd have alerts switched on, I expect a lot of people wouldn't want that to happen though so it may well be possible to di it in stealth mode!

What's more likely is that, rather than his dad being there, you will see other distant relations. This could be useful in confirming his surname, if you see lots of people who are a match with the same surname popping up.

@Goingtothebudgies

It's very tough on the boy, and his mother had the chance to put in a little bit of effort - a few hours - with a reasonable chance of finding the father. When you think about the thousands of hours of effort she must have put into his life since then. Why not give him the chance to have a relationship with his father? Especially important for a boy (or so they say). Now he's an adult - it's a very different thing.

ODFOD.

@alreadydonewith2021

In all honesty I've heard worse than on this thread. When DS was a baby my health visitor about father's details...can't remember the ins and outs but she asked something about where he lived, had I not been to his house etc and I said I didn't know, and no I hadn't; she went all cat's bum mouth at me and said 'well you clearly didn't know him very well did you? Did you think it was right to have a baby in those circumstances?' I was quite restrained and said something like that was nothing to do with her. Wish I'd said more at the time!

I've been very reticent about telling anyone about the circumstances of his conception because people judge; most people who have only known me since DS was school age assume his dad is my ex partner. There's only about 3 people I'm in contact with who know the truth (friends I've known since before DS was born), plus my current partner (and I only told him very recently). I never even told my Ex the full story, only that I wasn't in contact with his dad and he'd never been in his life. Which is what I've also said if anyone asked directly about his dad/ if Ex was his dad.

I'd not thought of the football route, they're a club with a really big following (and a bad reputation) even though not Premier league but maybe worth a try.

at the HV! What a judgemental arsehole!

There's someone in the wrong job!

alreadydonewith2021, what have you tried in terms of googling? Have you tried his full name including your guess at his surname and the area he lives? Have you tried it on Facebook? With his football team?

Do you know, that if you're searching for John Smith via Google, you should put "John Smith" in quotes? If you don't, then Google gives you results that include John, or that include Smith, but not necessary both names together.

Also, if you want to make sure to cut out a load of other results that aren't necessary, put every separate phrase or word in quotes.

For example, if you put "John Smith", Arsenal into google, it would include a whole bunch of irrelevant pages that mentioned John Smith but not necessarily Arsenal, although it would include some.

If you put "John Smith" "Arsenal" in (check where the quote marks are) then you're telling google "Only give me pages that say John Smith AND Arsenal. Don't bother if it doesn't mention Arsenal, or if it's just John, or just Smith."

Maybe you know this already! But in case you don't, this can really help narrow searches down.

Have you tried using directory searching sites like this?

www.192.com/people/search/

What did he do for work? That could be a big clue.

I honestly think only chances are football club or ancestry type database.

Is it a club local to where he lives or for example is it Glasgow rangers and he lives in Leeds? Some clubs have in that example the Leeds Rangers supporters club which might reduce the search and football fans don’t change their affiliation so he’s have probably been involved for years.

Also, have you tried joining the Facebook groups for his local area? Even if you don't post in them, you could look at the members list and see if he's on it.

I think your best bet is a family history / DNA site. My mum uses them to trace family history and she's made come into contact with all sorts of distant cousins and other relatives.

^^ I’d agree with this.

Googling names, locations etc sounds a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack, given that you’re not sure about his surname or the exact area he lived at the time.

I don’t think you should blame yourself for not doing more to find him at the time.
You didn’t know where he lived, you didn’t know which pub was his local, you could have spent many many nights hanging around pubs - pubs which you said were rough ones in a dodgy area - hoping to bump into him and not got lucky.
I do think some people are forgetting how different it was before Facebook etc and smartphones when it comes to things like tracking people down.

If your son wants to do this it is really easy now with a DNA test uploaded onto one of those ancestry sites. Loads of people are finding children/parents they didn't know about.

You situation is tricky, and you do what you've got to do at the time, but imagine the dad finding out he had a child he didn't know about for all these years. He might be devastated that he didn't know.

what have you tried in terms of googling? Have you tried his full name including your guess at his surname

OP doesn't remember his surname now, and wasn't sure of it then. And the Internet options weren't there at the time.

Honestly, maybe read at least the OP's posts where she explains the situation.

Really, what would googling first name + guess at surname yield? 🤷🏻‍♀️

You made the decisions that you made at the time for the right reasons.

Of course you might do something differently with hindsight, but I bet there is not a single one of us that wouldn’t change a decision with the benefit of hindsight and few years life experience.

Don’t beat yourself up and don’t let people make you feel bad, it sounds like you’ve always been honest and open, and really what more can you offer.

In case your son asks why don’t you write down everything you remember seal it in an envelope and leave it with your will. That way if he ever wants to know in future at least you have given him as much of a starting point as you can.

If you want to try to track him down I’d suggest joining Facebook groups for the area that he lived and asking if anyone remembers the family surname x big fans of x club. Had a son called x
You could try searching Facebook for fan pages for the club and going through member lists of a similar post Looking for x from this area lived there in this year.

You could also try LinkedIn. Especially if you know what he did for a living.