to not have told him he has a child?

[alreadydonewith2021]

Some years ago, I met someone on a night out. There was an instant attraction, he ended up coming back to mine and we spent the night together.

I really liked him and hoped I'd see him again, so gave him my number. I didn't take his number, which as it turned out was unfortunate. I never heard from him again, which was disappointing but not the end of the world, these things happen I told myself. However a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I didn't have internet at home at the time and no one had Facebook etc anyway. I knew the rough area where he lived and possibly the pubs he went into (although the one I met him in wasn't his local, he was only there as a one off, as was I, I lived 30ish miles away).I had no one really to talk to about it or be a sounding board - no family and my then friends were all early 20s like me and pretty useless.

So I got on with things on my own, muddled through and never got in touch mainly because it just seemed impossible. My DC asked about their dad as a young child and I gave some information about what he looked like but they never asked more than that.

The older I get, I can't help regretting it. I know of course that he might not have wanted to know, or been a disruptive presence, but part of me feels sad that my child will never know their father and vice versa. I have several friends who have had babies by donor and at least they can provide their children with basic health information and background on their fathers, I can't even do that.

Realistically it's so long ago now that there's nothing I can do about it I don't think? I've not spoken to my DC about it in years, they don't ask and don't seem to need or want to know. I guess that might change in future though especially once they have their own children.

I'd leave it up to your child now if they are an adult.

"He has a right to know"

Does he heck as like. If he was interested in any potential consequences of his "fuck n run" act, he would have phoned OP at least once.

Again, it's down to the woman to do all the running, searching, pay for a private investigator for heaven's sake. Nah, sod that.

Tell your child the truth though, they deserve to know why they don't know their father.

My DC really hasn't shown any interest in even speaking about their Dad or asking me questions about him, for probably 10-12 years or more. DC has never asked where he is, to meet him, or to contact him.

I'd also be prepared for this man to want nothing to do with this child. 20 years is a long time, and really he is a stranger. Possibly married at the time etc.
It's fairly unlikely to lead to a wonderful father-child relationship now in any case.

Just write down what you do know, leave it in an envelope somewhere safe so that if anything happens to you (sorry it’s just how I think) your DC will have the choice of opening the envelope. Maybe a letter about his Dad with the details you know.

I don’t want to stick the boot in OP. But didn’t you know his name at all? I would of tried to search if I was pregnant tbh.

I’m surprised your child hasn’t asked questions. It’s important as a woman I think your own parents (whatever the circumstances are) hit home home when you have a baby of your own... and the fact that kids asks innocent questions.

I’m not sure what you can do now OP.

Do you think your child genuinely isn't interested or could it be that they don't want to bring it up again? How did the conversation go the first time they brought it up? They could be unaware of how much you do remember –it sounds like quite a lot to go on, which, if they are keen to find out who their dad is, is a good starting point.

I wouldn't feel guilty about not tracking them down in the past. I've no idea how you would've even done that before mobiles/the internet! But I would ask your child, now they're an adult, if they're interested in trying to find their dad and offer your support if they are. Or at least give them the information you do have in case they want it later down the line. You're right that they could become more interested if/when they have children of their own.

Leave it, a little too late

I would leave it unless your child asks again. It is up to your child, who is an adult now, to make the decision. A friend of mine is was in a similar situation and decided to track her dad down online, but when it came to it she decided not to contact him as she didn't want to 'invade' his family and potentially be rejected. She says she has no regrets.

As you've had a child since then and when you were pregnant you really should've got in touch with this man to tell them the situation in case they wanted to provide financial support and have a relationship with their child.

I'd try to find them via internet.

@BlueGreenDreams

"He has a right to know"

Does he heck as like. If he was interested in any potential consequences of his "fuck n run" act, he would have phoned OP at least once.

Again, it's down to the woman to do all the running, searching, pay for a private investigator for heaven's sake. Nah, sod that.

Tell your child the truth though, they deserve to know why they don't know their father.

yes, but the thing was, the man at the question ok yes thought it was a bit of fun but didn't realise there'd be a baby at the end of it! I think most men would appreciate being told.

Random thought but I would want to know my families medical history (only because I was referred to genetics so needed to know full details of both my parents).

@BlueGreenDreams

"He has a right to know"

Does he heck as like. If he was interested in any potential consequences of his "fuck n run" act, he would have phoned OP at least once.

Again, it's down to the woman to do all the running, searching, pay for a private investigator for heaven's sake. Nah, sod that.

Tell your child the truth though, they deserve to know why they don't know their father.

Hmmm. This is a bit harsh. I had a one night stand and didn’t exchanged numbers I didn’t hear anything for a few weeks! My period was late and tbh we ended up getting in contact through a friend.

I wasn’t pregnant in the end just a scare. In a situation like this though I don’t think you can necessarily blame the guy. He wasn’t to know. He may have been supportive and they may have worked it out. Who knows.

I’m sorry but the blame is on OP here.
OP choose to have a baby knowing the circumstances.

Not to make excuses for the guy but I don't think he expected me to end up pregnant (although of course if you have unprotected sex that's the risk you take, and I know we were both old enough to have known better). I think he either had a girlfriend already or was a bit intimidated by me (I had a house of my own, albeit I'd inherited it, he was still living at home) hence the no contact. Obviously but for the pregnancy it wouldn't have mattered.

@CovidCakeConundrum I wrote down all the details I had for him in a notebook as soon as I knew I was pregnant and put it away for safekeeping, unfortunately some years later we had a flood and it as destroyed. I think I remember writing his surname down and what it was but I don't know if I'm actually remembering it or not or if I'm imagining that part. The surname I remember was a fairly common one (not quite Smith or Jones but close) so possibly not that helpful.

I would think it is likely at some point there will be questions from your child.

I would think it would be very wise to get ahead of it so that you can be prepared.

Discreetly. To make sure he is alive.
Confirm his name, where he lives etc.

That must have been a very tough road you took OP. Very brave.

@BlueGreenDreams

"He has a right to know"

Does he heck as like. If he was interested in any potential consequences of his "fuck n run" act, he would have phoned OP at least once.

Again, it's down to the woman to do all the running, searching, pay for a private investigator for heaven's sake. Nah, sod that.

Tell your child the truth though, they deserve to know why they don't know their father.

Don’t be so ridiculous. It’s not necessary to call up every one night stand you have on the off chance they haven’t told you they got pregnant.

How would that convo go exactly? “Oh hello, I’m not interested in you at all but did you get knocked up? No? Great, thanks, bye.”

If you get pregnant, the onus is on you to tell the father, and you absolutely fucking should. You have a moral duty to do so in the best interests of your child.

@alreadydonewith2021

My DC really hasn't shown any interest in even speaking about their Dad or asking me questions about him, for probably 10-12 years or more. DC has never asked where he is, to meet him, or to contact him.

I imagine DC gave up as they had already asked and you had given so little information, doesn’t mean they don’t want to know.

It was fine 20y ago, when it would have been near impossible to find him. However, that doesn't explain why you didn't try and find him 10y or so ago when all kinds of social media might have made it possible. Every year you haven't bothered gives him more time to move away/give up the sport etc.

I think you should first discuss it with your now adult child. Tell them that if they want to try to find him you would do all you can to help but also respect if they choose not to. It's quite a big can of worms to open and I think your (Adult) DC has a veto about it and gets to decide when or if they want to try to meet him.

Don't feel bad for the past. I think most people would struggle in those circumstances. I also don't think you can really draw too many conclusions from the situation about your DC's DF. He could have lost the piece of paper, or just been immature and not really thought about pregnancy.... none of those things mean he wouldn't be open to a relationship now, but it will be a big shock.

There is no point in stressing over what could have been done 20 years ago!

To find him now it would be either ancestry DNA test for your son or maybe post in local selling sites on Facebook with details (obvs not mentioning a baby, just that you are looking for someone).

Leaving aside whether you should, I think you'd probably be able to track them down eventually through the internet. Write down as many details as you can, join potential Facebook groups, the pub will probably have a page!

I had the baby because I was able to provide financially, and in all honesty it gave me some purpose in life. I was living quite chaotically at that point and it made me settle down and act responsibly. It never occurred to me not to keep my child because I didn't have a means of contacting the father.

The last conversation we had when DC was perhaps 5 or 6 was along the lines of 'was my dad's hair the same colour as mine?' and 'did he like football and what team did he support' which I was able to answer. I always answered any questions with as much information as I could, and it was always things like that, or did he have short hair or did he like vegetables I can honestly say that there was never any questions about seeing him or speaking to him, or even where he was. My DC just always seemed to accept that their Dad lived somewhere else. Perhaps because a few of their friends at school had dads who lived overseas or they never/ rarely saw. I'm very close to my DC but the last dad related conversation was years and years ago.

I wonder how many other DCs this man has if it was typical behaviour for him.

We're you with any friends that night who would remember anything? I think it is up to your DC now they are an adult. I would bring it up with them and see what they want to do.

The child is not a child but an adult, it is no longer up to the OP, that ship sailed.

OP, you need to speak to your daughter and support what she wants to do 100% and be ready with some sincere apologies.