to not have told him he has a child?

[alreadydonewith2021]

Some years ago, I met someone on a night out. There was an instant attraction, he ended up coming back to mine and we spent the night together.

I really liked him and hoped I'd see him again, so gave him my number. I didn't take his number, which as it turned out was unfortunate. I never heard from him again, which was disappointing but not the end of the world, these things happen I told myself. However a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I didn't have internet at home at the time and no one had Facebook etc anyway. I knew the rough area where he lived and possibly the pubs he went into (although the one I met him in wasn't his local, he was only there as a one off, as was I, I lived 30ish miles away).I had no one really to talk to about it or be a sounding board - no family and my then friends were all early 20s like me and pretty useless.

So I got on with things on my own, muddled through and never got in touch mainly because it just seemed impossible. My DC asked about their dad as a young child and I gave some information about what he looked like but they never asked more than that.

The older I get, I can't help regretting it. I know of course that he might not have wanted to know, or been a disruptive presence, but part of me feels sad that my child will never know their father and vice versa. I have several friends who have had babies by donor and at least they can provide their children with basic health information and background on their fathers, I can't even do that.

Realistically it's so long ago now that there's nothing I can do about it I don't think? I've not spoken to my DC about it in years, they don't ask and don't seem to need or want to know. I guess that might change in future though especially once they have their own children.

I've honestly never lied to my son. When he was young I was in a relationship with another man, who was in my son's life from around 5 until we split up (when my son was 9). I could have let him believe that was his dad, people actually told me to do that, but I'd already told him before then - in age appropriate terms - about his biological father. When my partner moved in with us, it was always made clear that partner wasn't his dad. My ex partner did continue to see my son on and off and still does (mainly Christmas and birthdays), he refers to him to his friends as his stepdad and that's kind of how it's been.

If you do want to find him, look for a Facebook group local to the area and say you're trying to track him down, does anyone know him. You do have some information about him to help.

I think I'd be concerned about the element of there being possible half siblings your child has no idea of/possible future relationships they enter may be close blood relatives.

I have found a baby who was adopted by being on ancestry.com, it was my grandfather's niece, the person I am linked to my second cousin. It is such a remote relationship and seems so improbable that we could verify the link, without knowing each other at all. I think it is impossible for anyone's parentage to remain hidden for long these days, if you are open to being found. You will find the father if you want to, but at this stage, I think it is for your DC to decide if they want to when they are 18. Not everyone is comfortable with it.

Exactly this happened to my DH. We found out about DSS when he was a toddler and I know DH will also regret missing those first years, even though DSS already doesnt remember. Yes finding was a big bomb into our lives just after we got married but we adore him and the idea of us never having found him makes me so sad. I would try and find your DSs dad if you can.

I can't remember some of the kids I went to school with for 5 years, let alone a one night stand!

You might if they were the father of your child!

I think the whole thing’s very odd, but maybe I just can’t identify with this level of vagueness.

Personally I would do what I could to remedy it now. Help from a private investigator, shouts on FB, Next Door, DNA tests, the works.

@SparklePiggy

I think I'd be concerned about the element of there being possible half siblings your child has no idea of/possible future relationships they enter may be close blood relatives.

Yes, that would worry me too.

@TatianaBis exactly!

It's unfair to solely blame the guy here, Op is equally responsible. They were both looking for no strings sex and neither of them were interested in preventing a pregnancy or more by usingl contraception. The man may or may not want to have been involved but he has a right to know. Think it would be a massive shock to him 20 years on and ds doesn't sound bothered at this point at least.

I was a P.I. in the 1990s.

It was not difficult to find someone then - especially if they didn't know they were being sought. And that was pre-Internet.

I think you need to do the facebook search/local page thing op.

So much judgmentalism on this thread!

OP, I think the thing to remember is that this will be very unpredictable. You might find the father and your child may not be interested right now. The father might be though. Or your child may be interested and the father may not be.

You can't do online DNA matching without your child's consent obviously - they need to do it. It's likely that you'll find connections that lead you to him if you do that. I wouldn't proceed without some form of counselling support. You don't know what you're going to find or how any of you are going to feel / react.

If your child isn't interested, you could do some online searching so that you have fuller info, ready if they want it in the future. Maybe see if the schools you mentioned have FB alumni groups - if you ask on those sites, someone is likely to have info.

OP, I feel sad you've been getting such a harsh and judgemental response from some of the people on here. It seems to me that you acted reasonably and sensibly and to the best of your abilities in the circumstances and the times. Maybe some people forget how different things were in the days before constant mobiles and Facebook.
I feel that the most productive and helpful thing you could do for your son would be to broach a conversation with him about his father (perhaps he doesn't feel it's something he can raise with you himself - and I don't mean this in any way as a fault of yours, it just may feel awkward for him to raise it - he may not want to hurt your feelings by acknowledging that he ever thinks about his father). Perhaps you could just let your son know that if he ever wanted to look for his father you would be ok with it. That way it won't feel like a taboo subject for him and he won't worry that you will be hurt if he does ever want to try and trace his Dad. And if he says "yes, actually I'd really like to try and trace him" you can offer your assistance if he wants it. If not, everything is clear between you, nothing is hidden, he'll know it's a possibility for the future if he ever wants to. If he genuinely doesn't at this point in his life you'll know that there is no need for you to do anything. I think it's up to him really now, as a young adult. But I'm sure he'd welcome your blessing if he did decide to act.
Good luck

@Notmoreuodates5 search how? By going to a few pubs? It was almost 20 years ago.

Ooh @Georgyporky so nice of you to offer your experience in helping OP find him if dc decides they want to! That's what you were doing, and not just kicking OP when they're down by comparing a professional with endless resources and no personal investment in the situation to a young mother in shock who had no resources to find someone, but had given him the option to contact her and been rejected... right?

@BlueGreenDreams

"He has a right to know"

Does he heck as like. If he was interested in any potential consequences of his "fuck n run" act, he would have phoned OP at least once.

Again, it's down to the woman to do all the running, searching, pay for a private investigator for heaven's sake. Nah, sod that.

Tell your child the truth though, they deserve to know why they don't know their father.

This absolutely. If you have unprotected sex on a one-night stand, are given a number and don’t call, this is a thing that could happen. Who do we think the OP is, Colombo? No phone number, no surname, no call afterwards.

I had a one night stand just over 20 years ago, there is absolutely no way I would be able to contact him now. No mobiles with us, we didn't know each others friends, I know his nickname but not his surname - not much to go on.

OP there wasn't much you could have done at the time, I am sure you didn't want to trawl around pubs in an area you didn't know whilst you were pregnant on an off chance you might bump into him.

This happened to my brother, found out after 5 years he had a daughter, the mother only hunted him down due to potential health condition. Hes struggled to build up the same bond that he had with his son but he's never missed a visit or maintenance payment. Most men are decent, too bad we've all heard of at least one who is rotten to the core.

To those saying it’s somehow his fault, don’t be ridiculous. Are we expected to get calls from every one night stand on the off chance we got pregnant?

Not read full thread so apologies if this has already been said. If you and your child both do an Ancestry DNA test his matches from your side will be marked as being mother’s side so you will know all other matches are paternal.

There is a good chance from those that you will be able to identify the father. If you need help to work out the matches and how they may be related there are Facebook groups that will help you (free of charge).

The OP has been been extraordinary to have raised a child from a one night stand.

Unbelievably brave. Complete hats off to her.

This does happen and I had it happen to friends of mine 30 years ago. Several friends.

Without exception they all terminated within 6 weeks with MY complete active support.

They were all were busy with their careers and the idea that a lovely, enjoyable, natural sexual experience should end up resulting in a life changing path was not going to happen.

The OP chose to go ahead, she is fantastic.

The judgement is just so sad and distasteful.

I'd try visiting those pubs he used to go and see if anyone remembers a guy with those particular tattoos etc. If that doesn't work then I could ask on FB if anyone remembers a guy who had distinctive tattoos visiting X pubs, played sport etc 20 years ago.
You could also in the meantime try Ancestry and see where it leads. Good luck!

I think you 'come across' as absolutely lovely, OP. You have raised your child to be a lovely human all on your own, and have responded with remarkable grace to some of the less than lovely remarks here.

Wishing you and your child all the best, whatever you do.

Your child may wish to know about a Father at some point, just going buy those people you see on Long lost family programme on TV. The Father who didn't know you were pregnant could have a different view though, but who know's.

Could you put his details in a local Facebook group for the area where he was from? Someone is bound to know him in there.

If your child decides to persue their father, please make sure they can handle a really bad outcome.

I was in the same position as your child. I knew surname though and location. Got told to basically fuck off and I never want to hear from you again.

It didn't really upset me because you can't lose what you never had, but your child might react differently. It is really unlikely the father is going to want to be involved now. You have done all the hard work and should be proud. You made a decision not to find the father, a perfectly reasonable decision. Enjoy your life.

Don't create your own chaos.