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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have told him he has a child?

269 replies

alreadydonewith2021 · 20/01/2021 15:02

Some years ago, I met someone on a night out. There was an instant attraction, he ended up coming back to mine and we spent the night together.

I really liked him and hoped I'd see him again, so gave him my number. I didn't take his number, which as it turned out was unfortunate. I never heard from him again, which was disappointing but not the end of the world, these things happen I told myself. However a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I didn't have internet at home at the time and no one had Facebook etc anyway. I knew the rough area where he lived and possibly the pubs he went into (although the one I met him in wasn't his local, he was only there as a one off, as was I, I lived 30ish miles away).I had no one really to talk to about it or be a sounding board - no family and my then friends were all early 20s like me and pretty useless.

So I got on with things on my own, muddled through and never got in touch mainly because it just seemed impossible. My DC asked about their dad as a young child and I gave some information about what he looked like but they never asked more than that.

The older I get, I can't help regretting it. I know of course that he might not have wanted to know, or been a disruptive presence, but part of me feels sad that my child will never know their father and vice versa. I have several friends who have had babies by donor and at least they can provide their children with basic health information and background on their fathers, I can't even do that.

Realistically it's so long ago now that there's nothing I can do about it I don't think? I've not spoken to my DC about it in years, they don't ask and don't seem to need or want to know. I guess that might change in future though especially once they have their own children.

OP posts:
Whataroyalannoyance · 20/01/2021 16:05

Its very easy for people to do in this posters situation based on todays avalibility of access to things like fb, going back 20 years that was not the case.

Inthemuckheap · 20/01/2021 16:06

'did he like football and what team did he support' which I was able to answer.

You knew what football team he supports but you don't know his name?!

Pinkdelight3 · 20/01/2021 16:09

Different situation, but I don't know my biological dad (sperm donor from anonymous era, before the date when records were kept/made available) and apart from the very, very rare wonder if there's someone else out there who looks like me, I don't care who that guy is. I don't know about his health or name or anything, and very possibly your son doesn't. By the sounds of it, his identity is formed and he's laid the matter to rest. As long as he knows the door is open to talk to you if he wanted to, that's the main thing. As for telling the dad, well, you did what you could, which wasn't much, and now that ship has likely sailed. You could investigate if you want to, but there's not much to be gained, probably more pain than pleasure. I guess there'll always be a what if... but in this case I'd let it go. Others will disagree but I'd look at what you have done, not wrestle with regrets.

Pyewhacket · 20/01/2021 16:10

I would let it go. It was a long time ago and the chances of finding him without a name and address and some basic back-ground information are pretty slim, even today. You also don't know what sort of a reaction you'll provoke.

SunshineCake · 20/01/2021 16:10

It reads like you are trying to justify doing nothing to find the father of your child. You should have done it and should try now, for the child's sake. You owe them this.

NettleTea · 20/01/2021 16:10

OP. I found my biological father from 54 years ago with no more than his name, the job he did and the area he lived, and google/linked in/yellow pages.
it is possible

katy1213 · 20/01/2021 16:11

Leave well alone. It's up to your grown-up child to pursue this further; they might well have no desire to have a 'father' foisted on them.
Do you even know this man's name? This could be a whole can of worms you open up.
And what are you going to turn up, anyway? He shagged and left without even the courtesy of a phone call - not a great start is it?

Original poster
alreadydonewith2021 · 20/01/2021 16:11

I definitely remember his first name, I have explained that I'm not sure about the surname.

One of his tattoos related to the team, hence why I would have known it.

OP posts:
whoamongstus · 20/01/2021 16:11

@Inthemuckheap

'did he like football and what team did he support' which I was able to answer.

You knew what football team he supports but you don't know his name?!

I remember someone I slept with after a night out at uni - he had a cat called Bruce Wayne, I vividly remember us having a drunken chat about it. I couldn't tell you his surname the day after, never mind a decade later, and all I remember telling my friends was that he was called 'Curly Sue' (because he had curly hair). No other info.

Some stuff sticks in your head - like the cat - and some doesn't!

growinggreyer · 20/01/2021 16:14

People on here are being very self-righteous. I wonder if they would have the same opinion if you said you wanted to claim 18 years of backdated child support from this man.

Your situation is what it is. Write down what you can for your child and leave any decisions up to them.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/01/2021 16:14

@Same4Walls

How long ago was this if no one had facebook?

I think if you know his name then I'd try and look for him. I'm very surprised your child hasn't asked more questions.

What a strange question. It's not like Facebook's been around as long as electricity or something.
BreatheAndFocus · 20/01/2021 16:14

I’d leave it up to your DC. I don’t know why some people are blaming the OP. If this man cared, he could have found out. Perhaps he did actually find out via a mutual acquaintance and doesn’t give a toss?

Your DC is happy and settled. Why risk upsetting that? If they themselves want to find him, then you should, of course, support them, but some things are better left IMO and this is one of them.

LondonStone · 20/01/2021 16:14

If you genuinely are interested in finding him, I often see posts on my towns local Facebook page searching for old friends or relatives.

They usually only have vague information, like yourself, but knowing the area he lived, what he looked like, his first name, two potential schools he went to, and what pubs he used to drink in might provide more information than you would think. I always find it amazing when someone tags the person (or family member) they are looking for! Not a small place either, 100,000 people but it still feels very “local”.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t worry about things 18/20 years past. Thinking I could have done this, I could have done that doesn’t change anything. I’m sure your you and your DC have a lovely relationship and that’s the main thing at the end of the day.

Whenwillow · 20/01/2021 16:15

Wow some harsh replies here!
The man took off, never to be heard from again. Not so uncommon, and 20+ years ago it was very difficult to contact people. I suspect that younger posters find that very hard to imagine.
@alreadydonewith2021 if I was in your shoes, I'd talk to your DC and give them whatever info you have, if they want it, and they can do with it as they see fit.
And have a Flowers because I think you deserve it.

NettleTea · 20/01/2021 16:16

also I dont talk about this with my mum, I didnt want to upset her, nor my stap dad who I always consider/refer to as my dad and who has been in my life since I was 5. But for my own curiosity I decided that if I wanted to know, then I should get a move on or he would be dead. So a few years back I searched and was incredibly lucky to pick the right person.we have met once and emailed occassionally over the years, but it doesnt need to be a big drama.

SunshineCake · 20/01/2021 16:18

There are people who grew up with a full time loving dad and did okay.
There are people who grew up without a dad who did okay and those that didn't.

It is not about being self righteous Hmm it is about having an opinion that might be different from yours.

Given how the OP comes across on here there is no surprise the son has stopped asking about his father.

Same4Walls · 20/01/2021 16:19

What a strange question. It's not like Facebook's been around as long as electricity or something.

It wasn't a strange question. The OP initially said this was some years ago. I was trying to work out if the child in question was actually an adult which was entirely reasonable given how long Facebook has been popular. The answer is this child is now 20 and therefore if they want to know regardless of the OPs support it would be their decision.

Dreamscomingtrue · 20/01/2021 16:19

I’d do the DNA test, quite a good chance that you’d find him or at least someone in his family to give you a lead. I’ve done a DNA test and the information I found out was really worthwhile knowing.

Notmoreuodates5 · 20/01/2021 16:19

** I know the area where he lived

Oh. OP. I know your response might be a bit defensive.

When you say it never occurred to you not to keep the child. It blood well should have!! Hats off to you because it must of been tough. I do think it’s appalling that you say it didn’t occur to you not to keep the baby Confused. I don’t grudge anybody for wanting to keep their baby. You have been very selfish and I’m surprised you didn’t try to search. 20 years ago people had mobile phones.

Deadringer · 20/01/2021 16:22

I don't think i would be able to stop myself googling him to be honest, but i am a nosy bugger! I wouldn't go the lengths of hiring an investigator, but i would do research online. If you find him, and are sure it's him you can mention it to your dc and see what they think.

Original poster
alreadydonewith2021 · 20/01/2021 16:23

Thanks to those kind posters not sticking the boot in!

I know I haven't done the 'right' thing necessarily but I did what I thought was best at the time, I didn't know what to do, and I had no one to talk to. I know better now, and am trying to work out how to do better.

OP posts:
gannett · 20/01/2021 16:23

Some of the judgmental comments here are very harsh.

I don't think OP had any moral duty to do anything beyond what she has done, which is presumably raise her son well. It's bonkers to castigate her for not traipsing around random pubs as a young woman in search of a one-night stand nearly two decades ago.

OP if your son is 18 then he's probably worked out something close to the truth already and I'd leave the ball in his court. If he wants to know more then you can tell him your story and work together from there. Until then it'd just be embarking on a difficult quest that could well either be pointless (if he's dead/moved away/not findable) or destructive (if he brings drama and unpleasantness). It doesn't sound like there's a hole either you or your son need to fill which speaks very well as to how you brought him up IMO. Good job.

pumpkinpie01 · 20/01/2021 16:24

I think you need to have a chat with your son about what he wants as he is an adult but I'm also thinking the bloke has the right to know he has a child. I think a private investigator could find him , they aren't as expensive as people presume they are. Your son may well not be interested thou and vice Versa. ( my son has never met his bio dad I tracked him down and my son wasn't interested).

peak2021 · 20/01/2021 16:27

Do you know anyone who might have known him then and still do now? Or even being able to go to the place where you met and see if any help can come from that?

It does not seem you have wilfully withheld the information so try to look forward as to how you might find out, assuming your DC wants you to.

Labobo · 20/01/2021 16:29

There's too much judgemental disbelief on this thread. She had a one night stand! These things happen. She didn't take down his name and address during the evening of passion. It was in the days before instant access to every detail of everyone's lives. It's not ideal but it's perfectly plausible.