to not have told him he has a child?

[alreadydonewith2021]

Some years ago, I met someone on a night out. There was an instant attraction, he ended up coming back to mine and we spent the night together.

I really liked him and hoped I'd see him again, so gave him my number. I didn't take his number, which as it turned out was unfortunate. I never heard from him again, which was disappointing but not the end of the world, these things happen I told myself. However a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I didn't have internet at home at the time and no one had Facebook etc anyway. I knew the rough area where he lived and possibly the pubs he went into (although the one I met him in wasn't his local, he was only there as a one off, as was I, I lived 30ish miles away).I had no one really to talk to about it or be a sounding board - no family and my then friends were all early 20s like me and pretty useless.

So I got on with things on my own, muddled through and never got in touch mainly because it just seemed impossible. My DC asked about their dad as a young child and I gave some information about what he looked like but they never asked more than that.

The older I get, I can't help regretting it. I know of course that he might not have wanted to know, or been a disruptive presence, but part of me feels sad that my child will never know their father and vice versa. I have several friends who have had babies by donor and at least they can provide their children with basic health information and background on their fathers, I can't even do that.

Realistically it's so long ago now that there's nothing I can do about it I don't think? I've not spoken to my DC about it in years, they don't ask and don't seem to need or want to know. I guess that might change in future though especially once they have their own children.

OP, now the net has made it easier to find people, you could ask around on local face book groups from his area, saying you are hoping to get back in touch with X. Give the details you know and see if anyone thinks they know him from your description. Worth a shot. Good luck.

I think you should have made the effort to look for him at the time, and should talk to your DC about looking for him now.

Hi OP. Sad situation but things happen. People are very self-righteous but drunken one night stands do happen (I've had them and IDGAF what anyone thinks) and no I did not always get the persons surname, DOB and full address. If your child asked I would be honest and say it is a regret but obviously, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

If it came up I would definitely suggest 23&me or something for your child - if they want to!

As someone who is in an identical situation as your son I would encourage you to let him know that if he wishes to look for his dad then you will help facilitate this there will be no hard feelings on your side. My DM made it clear that she doesn't wish to help me and I remember her acting very defensive when I asked questions as a child, thus leading me to never mention it again as an adult.

As an adult he may start to want to know more soon. My worst fear was sleeping with my own half brother so I used to ask every partner from my home town what their dads first name was as this was the only information I knew. It can be hard not to know where half of your genetics are from. I have been diagnosed with some hereditary health issues and I will never know what other things I may be of risk for.

My DM did an amazing job by herself and I do not resent growing up without a Dad at all, but I do wish I knew more about what makes me, me. Write all you know down and let your DS know that the information is there if he ever wishes to use it

I never knew any of his friends, the place we met closed down many years ago now. The people I was with that night were acquaintances I knew through work, I've not seen any of them for years, since before I had my child. They didn't know him either.

I know people had mobiles 20 years ago, I did myself but it wasn't a thing like it is now. My phone in those days didn't even have a camera let alone internet, I never even took my mobile on a night out because it was massive and didn't fit in my bag.

I have googled stuff as much as I can, I've searched for images of tattoos even. Like I said years ago I did look in Friends Reunited because you could look by school without knowing the name, but nothing.

My child is one of the things I'm proudest of in my life. Raising a kid on my own with no family or anyone was a challenge but I have never regretted it; I do regret not at least trying to find him somehow, at least so I could say I tried. But that would literally have meant walking the streets of an area I was completely unfamiliar with basically hoping he might appear. And of course he might not have wanted to know even IF I'd found him. I fully accept that might well have been the outcome.

After discussing it with your son, what about looking up the football team on Facebook, and putting the details you know on there, and that you need to contact him?

Not mentioning your son at this stage.

Regardless of the rest of it OP, you really need to broach this with your child. The fact that they haven't mentioned it for years doesn't mean that they haven't been thinking about it and possibly even struggling with it.

I had a somewhat similar situation growing up and my mother would have said much the same as you if asked about my attitude to my father. In reality, I was highly sensitive to her feelings - more than I should have been - and refrained from finding my father for far too long for fear of upsetting her. It's my one regret. You're very likely fooling yourself if you think that this is not an issue for them at all, and even if you do turn out to be correct and your DC genuinely isn't bothered, the responsibility still lies with you as the parent to verify that.

@NettleTea

OP. I found my biological father from 54 years ago with no more than his name, the job he did and the area he lived, and google/linked in/yellow pages. it is possible

Really? Still looking for mine and nada! Any tips! As for this gem; You've forgotten his surname?!

I'd be amazed if the op could remember his first name after all this time!

Love the Pearl clutching!

I don't know how I'm coming across on this thread (badly, apparently) but honestly I've never been defensive when talking to my child about this, I've never said I didn't know something, if he asked something I actually didn't know or couldn't remember, I used to say something I did remember instead. I never closed down a dad related conversation.

My own family history is a little bit unusual, but I always took it at face value and never asked about it growing up, I was happy not knowing I guess. After losing my family I wanted to know more, but it never occurred to me to ask before then. So my DC's response doesn't seem that odd to me.

You son may have assumed his father wanted nothing to do with him. It could have caused him a lot of pain. Why don’t you just speak to your son? He’s old enough to make the decision himself. The best chance is to do a DNA search.

Child of a situation like this here!

I only found out my fathers name when I was 19 because I was expecting a child and asked my mum for as much info as she had in case there were any conditions in that side of the family.

But that is the only reason I wanted it, I'm not interested in having him in my life tbh, he has a family and 2 young children and I just feel it would do more harm than good. He also had a pregnant partner at the time I was conceived, so I feel it would cause issues.

And I don't feel upset with anyone for how the situation has ended up! You only get one life, no point worrying about what ifs!

I was pretty much on the other side of this, in a way. I was the product of what I assume to have been a one-night stand or very brief liaison when my mother was 18. My mother never told me, and she still does not know that I know the man who raised me as his daughter was not my father. He adopted me when I was about 4, and I have seen the adoption paperwork, in which the name of my putative father was mentioned.

When I was 50 I contacted the man my mother had claimed to be my biological father, by a letter. He never replied and I left it at that, as I had promised in the letter I would do. The point is that I would have liked to have had some information about him, if possible, and I am sorry that I don't. I have worked on not feeling bitter about that. Given that your son must know he does have a biological father out there, I think it would be right and fair to see if you can get some further information for him.

@CovidCakeConundrum

You've forgotten his surname?!

That's really pathetic that you couldn't even be bothered to remember your child's father's name. You've made no effort at all in 20 years to find any information.

How sad for your child to have no idea where half their genetics come from or to never see a photo of their dad.

I would be on Facebook local area pages trying to find him. You said there's only 2 schools he could have gone to, that should be easy to find his alumni. You must have a rough idea of his age?

Your child has obviously never asked as you have literally no information for them.

Hiw is it pathetic to not know his surname. She wasn’t thinking he would be the father of her child was she.

Being pregnant on your own is overwhelming enough without chasing down some bloke you met for a night.

It’s sad for a child to have known their father and have him taken away. It’s perfectly possible to not feel sad for something you never knew. Do you feel sad for the brother or sister you never had?

Join a few online groups and see what pops up. The hardest bit will be thinking of a cover story ( or not). Maybe see what happens if you say he has an adult ( no maintenance required) child. Make sure his wife or girlfriend know the relationship was an indiscretion of youth and you aren’t interested in him.

I think you should do nothing without talking to your son about this and asking him if he wants to find his father. As he is an adult, this is a decision that he needs to take himself.

I’d love to see all these MNers who are advocating a man hunt for this kids father post on her explaining... my DH had a kid and he has just appeared on the scene out of nowhere what do I do?

I think too much time has past. The time to tell is gone. You can't just drop a bombshell into somebody's life after all this time.,

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP, what do some posters think you should have done? Wander around the area handing out posters ffs.

As your DC is a young adult now they will be better equip to process the reality of their conception, much better so than if you told them everything at 10 or 11, at least.

If they do decide they want to find their father then there are things they can do to find him.

I wouldn't wallow in guilt if I were you, like some posters seem to think you should.

FWIW I was the result of a not too dissimilar thing, I don't know nor have ever met my father and I'm bloody glad my DM didn't "consider terminating"

Now your DC is an adult, I’d leave it up to them. I had a friend in a very similar situation to you and she managed to find the guy on Facebook, so she messaged him explaining and he promptly blocked her! Then she was in the dilemma of whether to tell her DC this or not. Her DC wasn’t aware at that point that she’d gone looking. So she had to decide whether to keep quiet or admit she’d looked for him and he wasn’t interested. It really stressed her.

I believe that once your DC are adults, you can’t make big decisions like this for them. It has to be their choice.

HRTWT. My DB was 1 when our DF died (big age gap). I know it’s not the same, but he has never shown any interest in finding out anything about his dad (no step dad or new partner on the scene). He’s in his 30s now and I asked him is he not curious, and he just said ‘no, what difference will it make to my life’. He has no interest in finding out anything about someone he has never known.

I don’t think there was anything you could’ve done. Realistically you wouldn’t have found him by walking the streets. These things happen and I doubt you could’ve done much differently. You obviously have put thought into it if you made a notebook and searched Friends Reunited etc.

I expect that the only way your child will found out about his father is if he does a DNA test like on Ancestry UK. It’s his decision though, and a big decision as he doesn’t know what door he’d be opening.

I feel like to time to find this man has been and gone. From your posts it seems like you have a nice life and so does your child, and you're close
Sure, maybe you could have done things differently. But you didn't.

Why is this all bothering you so much now? Seems kind of random to be worried about these things now after so much time has passed and you can't do anything about it

Bloody hell some of you are really harsh !

I can't remember some of the kids I went to school with for 5 years, let alone a one night stand!

OP, personally I'd have a Google/facebook search to see if I could find him and then have that information saved for my child if they ever asked.

@Brunetteandgrey with respect your story and the others who are upset about fathers they didn’t know have been lied to. Either intentionally or by omission.

That’s not the same as growing up with the idea that’s a man somewhere out there you are related to. It’s not even “ a father” if you have no idea of that is surely.

I’d just ask casually if he wanted to discuss it now that he’s an adult.

Jesus, twenty years ago, a one night stand would have been very hard to find in those circumstances.

What happens if you contact him and he very much wants to be involved in his child's life? You need to have a conversation with your child. It would be grossly unfair to find him and then his child doesn't want to know, and it would also be unfair on your child to be put in that position.