To think that people who don’t have twins or multiples really don’t get it

[coralpig]

My twins are 9 weeks old and going through an extremely fussy phase. I know it’s a phase and they’ll grow out of it but it is draining- they grumble most of the day and I feel like I’m firefighting. I’m recovering from a very traumatic period of time- the last few months it seems that life has thrown everything at us and I’m so exhausted with no nearby family support. It’s physically and emotionally very difficult. A lot of my well meaning friends (who I am very lucky to have) have been telling me their tips from when their kids were small eg. ‘Put them in a sling all day’ or ‘pick them up before they get too ratty’ or ‘just embrace the cuddles’ or ‘nap when they do’ etc. I smile and thank them politely but this is nigh on impossible with two babies who both have different needs and are getting heavy. I’ll happily cuddle both of them but they can’t both be picked up easily and one always seems to get ratty when the other is down and they set each other off. It frustrates me that friends are saying they know what I’m going through when they really don’t. I know they are just trying to help but it makes me
resent having two and feel a lot of mum guilt for my babies who didn’t ask to be in this situation. Aibu?

Hi ! You are not being unreasonable I have twin boys now 11. Oh my the early days what a struggle it was so hard I don’t know how we survived it. You feel guilty you can’t spend so much time with each child, then your wishing you only had one because you could give them all your time. Yes everyone thinks they had it as tough with 2 separate ages but we know different! There are so many positives to twins esp when older. They always have a play mate, go to school or nursery together. My boys were never afraid to do anything as they always had each other. Now they argue a lot but also play a lot together and have separate friends which is so much easier.
Toddlers twins are a nightmare but 4 on is a lot easier. It does get better. Xx

Do they have 1 child or 2 (and I don't mean 2 as in twins). In one way i agree with you OP, I couldn't even begin to imagine what it is like having 2 the same age, going through the same phases etc, but as a mum of 2 who also have gone through difficult and fussy phases at the same time for different reasons, both wanting cuddles, both different sizes and different weights, but still too young to understand why you can do X for one and not the other is incredibly difficult. I have asked myself at times if it would be more difficult or easier to have them both at the same age, at the same stages.

My twins are 12. Looking back to 2008 I remember an overwhelming sense of exhaustion. For eight months I used to spend 12 hours a day just feeding them, and felt I had to iron every garment to make sure it was properly dry. I would weep for tiredness. And these were easy babies who were healthy and good sleepers. I loved them but didn't love my first year of motherhood. But OP I promise it gets easier as soon as they start interacting with one another.They are never bored or lonely. They share everything and support each other. They each have someone who completely understands them and live with their perfect playmate. Having twins is such a blessing, but it's one you pay for up-front. It's expensive and you have to get organised but the experience will leave you more capable and confident. Possibly parents of singletons can't understand what you are going through, which is why twin mothers are like a secret society. My two pieces of advice are 1. Don't strive for perfection and 2. Accept help. Good luck OP and congratulations.

Hi OP I saw this thread when I started cooking now I come back and its 8 pages, so forgive if this has already been said...
absolutely other people don't have a clue and will drive you mad with their usually well meaning remarks that are sometimes really funny and/or intrusive ('did you do it twice in one night then?')
Another twin mum told me to take photos of the first year as it will be a total blur. This was good advice, we even managed a video of their 1st birthday which 20 odd years ago was not common, but very worth doing.
Play pens are good- you can put one twin in and safely leave them while you dress/feed/change the other.
Reins are essential once they are walking
This may be too late but in case anyone reads this while pregnant- breastfeeding saved my life, I could feed them both at the same time, they also got a cuddle and I didn't have to prep/sterilise etc. At night feed them 1 at a time but lying down in bed (safely of course) and (controversial) wake the second baby for a feed if they haven't woken.
don't worry about what they are wearing as long as they are clean and warm enough- I knew one mad mother of twins who always dressed them alike so if one got dirty she would change both
The worst time IMO was about age 2 when they were both mobile but unreliable- we couldn't go anywhere to play without 2 adults, so start now to check out play areas that have secure fences around them.
Even at age 2 you will start to get some benefits, as they will amuse each other and crucially be much easier to leave with others.
From about 3 on, it really does start to get easier.
And when you look back on those first 2 or 3 years, you'll be so proud of yourself and think you can do ANYTHING

@SleepingStandingUp

I have no idea how you cope with 2 babies. Hats off to you! Lack of choice.

Totally agree. I’m expecting twins and the patronising “I pity you” comments from smug singleton parents make me want to punch the person saying it (thanks multiple pregnancy hormones). As though I picked up the catalogue and said, “ah yes, I fancy trying two at once this time!”

Try triplets!! Got some comments like ' are you mad'. What are you supposed to do , decide which one (s) not to keep. Getting better now they are 5 and quite independent but difficult to give individual attention. One positive during lockdown is they have someone to play ( argue ) with 🤣

YANBU. Ask your GP or health visitor if you can get help. Be honest about how it's affecting your mental health.

Take help where you can have you anyone in your bubble that can help ? I’ve cared for twins it’s very hard work I salute you. Can you beg borrow or steel two of those swinging singing things that take up massive amounts of room but give you your arms back for you to eat, pee, drink coffee hot . If you can take them out in the Pram / pushchair take them over crunchy ground this movement sends them to sleep I promise . It’s good to get out daily . Love yourself this time will pass I promise you got this xx

I am here trying to imagine night time with two babies under 3 months. I could hardly cope one...

I get that you are feeling overwhelmed OP but tbh everybody has some kind of struggle. Whether it's illness, disability, infertility, death, financial ruin, poverty, being a sole parent, being a parent of twins, the list could go on. Of course they don't get it, it's not their lives.

They don’t get it at all!!
I have twins, had horrendous PND, little support & husband worked away a lot. You get there, but, it is so bloody exhausting & it is just surviving day to day. Yes, they go through phases, but, with my 2 it was never at the same time.
I’ve been a single parent since they were 4.
They are older, but, there is never a day that goes by that I don’t beat myself up & feel so guilty for not being a better mum - working full time, cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry etc etc takes its toll & made me short tempered, exhausted & depressed. I wish with all my heart that I could do it all again with the wisdom/experience I have now - you don’t see it when you’re in the thick of it.
So OP, if anything, don’t make my mistakes - enjoy them & take each day/hour as it comes as difficult as it is.
Cherish them - good luck 💐

I haven't rtft but just wanted to say I have twins and singletons and the twins first year was the hardest experience of my life so far. Even in lockdown with three other children at home my singleton baby is a breeze.
People don't get it unless they have twins.

haven't read all comments sorry if this has been mentioned.
I'm a twin and have two sisters. Honestly dont know how my mum coped, but I do remember we went to 'Twins Club'. It was a local group for local twin-mums to meet, chat and share tips whilst the kids played.
It was a part of the Twins & Multiple Births Assoc-not sure if they're still going? Mum is still friends with the other mums of twins, she says having someone to talk to about twin things saved her sanity!
Can you find support like this perhaps online?
good luck, I take my hat off to mums of multiples!

@TheMagicDeckchair another favourite - oh o couldn't cope with twins / I couldn't do that.

Look them straight on the eye and tell them "well they said I couldn't send one back*

I was fairly ambivalent by the twins, D's was a poorly poorly baby, came home on Ng and O2 so I've had years of oh I don't know how you do it, I wouldn't have coped blah blah. They're trying largely to be nice (clearly not the ones saying they pity you) but seriously, shut up.

From your OP I don’t think the issue is you have twins. Your babies are really young and it’s tiring and although it’s x2 for you. People are giving you advice because the reality is you have to manage the best you can there’s no reason why you can’t use those tips.

Most of us don’t have twins no there’s a lot of mums who have their kids closely together and I often think it’s worse than twins!

Most of us don’t have twins no there’s a lot of mums who have their kids closely together and I often think it’s worse than twins hhmmm I wonder which one you have....

@Notmoreuodates5 You don’t have twins I take it? Yet another one commenting about close together babies being worse than twins. How the hell would you know? Honestly I despair. People absolutely don’t use their brains. One baby = hard work. Try adding another one on top of that. Following what was likely a very difficult pregnancy (being pregnant with multiples is absolutely another ballgame - I’ve done both so can assure you of that) and delivered early, small babies with health issues. A more difficult birth to recover from. An insane amount of hormones (literally double!) floating around.

Even if there’s only 9 months difference in age then the older baby is much easier to manage, likely sitting up, weaning so feeding less and more content than two wailing newborns to comfort instead of one. And will be sleeping better than two tiny babies.

I’d love to see all these “small age gaps are harder” people feed and burp two little babies at once while one is screaming for their milk while the other one is being sick.

Almost tempting to wish it upon them isn’t it .....

@SleepingStandingUp for your goody info. I grew up closing with 6 cousins all in the same household and 2 were twins. It didn’t mean my mother couldn’t advise her sister just because she had 2 kids at the time.

Get off your high horse.

[quote HermioneKipper]@Notmoreuodates5 You don’t have twins I take it? Yet another one commenting about close together babies being worse than twins. How the hell would you know? Honestly I despair. People absolutely don’t use their brains. One baby = hard work. Try adding another one on top of that. Following what was likely a very difficult pregnancy (being pregnant with multiples is absolutely another ballgame - I’ve done both so can assure you of that) and delivered early, small babies with health issues. A more difficult birth to recover from. An insane amount of hormones (literally double!) floating around.

Even if there’s only 9 months difference in age then the older baby is much easier to manage, likely sitting up, weaning so feeding less and more content than two wailing newborns to comfort instead of one. And will be sleeping better than two tiny babies.

I’d love to see all these “small age gaps are harder” people feed and burp two little babies at once while one is screaming for their milk while the other one is being sick.

Almost tempting to wish it upon them isn’t it .....[/quote]
Who rattled your cage?

@HermioneKipper there’s people with disabled kids. You don’t know my circumstances so next time think on just because you have had twins it doesn’t mean you have life harder than anybody else. Twins is hard for a phase a disability is NOT. “How the hell would you know” shame on you.

@Notmoreuodates5 People like you! Coming on to the OP’s thread about how hard she’s finding it with twins and commenting that two children of different ages is harder! Just walk on by instead of being supremely unhelpful

@Notmoreuodates5 drip drip dripfeed

[quote Notmoreuodates5]@SleepingStandingUp for your goody info. I grew up closing with 6 cousins all in the same household and 2 were twins. It didn’t mean my mother couldn’t advise her sister just because she had 2 kids at the time.

Get off your high horse.[/quote]
So yes, you don't have twins.

Of course your mother could advise her sister,what she couldn't do is claim that her two were harder than the twins.

What's worse than one screaming newborn? 2.
What's worse than two screaming newborns? 3.

Even of there's 7 months between siblings, they're not both on 2-3 hourly feeds 24/7.

There are exceptions, poorly babies on Ng and O2 etc are obviously a different level of hard but even then, twins is just different hard. It's not comparable

[quote Notmoreuodates5]@HermioneKipper there’s people with disabled kids. You don’t know my circumstances so next time think on just because you have had twins it doesn’t mean you have life harder than anybody else. Twins is hard for a phase a disability is NOT. “How the hell would you know” shame on you.[/quote]
I'm the subject of high horses, you seem to have your own. Hermione clearly said "small age gap" parents not parents of children with disabilities so do not turn this into an abelist rant

@Notmoreuodates5 I would never claim I have it harder than anyone whose children have disabilities.

In fact I have friends whose children do have significant difficulties and I would never complain about my exhaustion levels etc to them. It’s called having empathy/sensitivity.

Just as it’s not rocket science for people with single babies to complain about hard things are to someone with twins. There’s plenty of other people with one baby to talk to. Complain to them