To think that people who don’t have twins or multiples really don’t get it

[coralpig]

My twins are 9 weeks old and going through an extremely fussy phase. I know it’s a phase and they’ll grow out of it but it is draining- they grumble most of the day and I feel like I’m firefighting. I’m recovering from a very traumatic period of time- the last few months it seems that life has thrown everything at us and I’m so exhausted with no nearby family support. It’s physically and emotionally very difficult. A lot of my well meaning friends (who I am very lucky to have) have been telling me their tips from when their kids were small eg. ‘Put them in a sling all day’ or ‘pick them up before they get too ratty’ or ‘just embrace the cuddles’ or ‘nap when they do’ etc. I smile and thank them politely but this is nigh on impossible with two babies who both have different needs and are getting heavy. I’ll happily cuddle both of them but they can’t both be picked up easily and one always seems to get ratty when the other is down and they set each other off. It frustrates me that friends are saying they know what I’m going through when they really don’t. I know they are just trying to help but it makes me
resent having two and feel a lot of mum guilt for my babies who didn’t ask to be in this situation. Aibu?

I have twins now 11 . I used to cuddle one but keep a hand on the other, or lie them both side by side next to me. Or one led on my legs rocking them( head on my knees legs towards my tummy if that makes sense) whist I held the other.
They slept in the same cot and would settle each other. Or sleep whilst the other screamed in their face.I used get to get sick of those patronising comments as well. I used to find my two didn’t like being separated it made them more unsettled. If you don’t have multiples you don’t fully understand. When things settle you will have the joy of twins which I think a lot of people are secretly jealous of! They always have a friend, someone always has their back. Mine are doing home schooling together I am watching TV with a coffee!

Twins club was my saviour as they never judged me as a failing mum with dtds and dd1 in tow. Nobody with singletons quite gets it but they do try. In lockdown having 9 year old twins has been great - they have a playmate. But when they’re tiny it’s hard and even now the desperate need for my attention and not wanting to share me is different to having dc of different ages. They do make me laugh a lot though.

I have twins . I think most people try to understand but of course they won’t fully get it just like I don’t get things that I haven’t directly experienced but I do try hard to empathise! I’m sure they can imagine it is tough ( double trouble and all of that ) but don’t realise some of the practical challenges.

The first months as a twin parent are really really hard. Even more so if you have triplets , other children or, as is more common with multiples , you have experienced prematurity and lengthy hospital stays because you might, as we did, have regular hospital trips and endless medication to give. I second the PP who suggested joining a local twins club - they were absolutely brilliant in terms of support , information , hacks for travelling with multiple ( eg air travel, cars, buggies ) equipment buying and selling , twins specific discounts ( retailers recognise it is tough to buy two of everything at the same time ) and also a sanity check ! - I also made some great friends and we navigated the world of having twins together . There are, of course, many challenges to having twins eg double the equipment , milestones such as starting school all happening at the same time, breastfeeding when out and about more challenging , and the sheer hell that is as soon as one of them is asleep the other one wakes up. In my experience twin mums tend to be more ruthless with discipline out of necessity - I fed the babies at the same time and not on demand. I had a playpen because I needed a safe space if I needed to go to the loo or answer the door - it’s simply not practical for babies to go too. My babies were always put down in their beds for a nap every afternoon because I just needed the time to regroup-, they really benefited from this in the long run but it was born out of necessity ! . So you learn to adapt and I lived by the rule of my twins club - you are doing well if you leave the house at the time you are supposed to be arriving somewhere else! . I think having twins is a bit more isolating too since it sometime takes a Herculean effort to just get out of the front door .
Having said all of that there are some brilliant upsides too - you just haven’t got to that stage . For example they have a built in playmate who usually wants to do similar things so I never had that following me around the whole time so learning. Twins are often less clingy because they are used to being passed around because in many ( admittedly pre Covid situations ) situations you needed another pair of hands ( eg at any baby classes ! ) . Mine are now teenagers and they are doing similar subjects at school and often just discuss it amongst themselves if one of them is stuck or ideas or themes 😃.

Some of my closest friends are my fellow multiple mums . We often chose different paths for our twins but so far they have all turned out fine! It will get better .

Good luck and please feel free to PM me if you need any advice .

Oh honey you are just exhausted and that’s is 100% understandable. Do not feel bad about feeling the way you do. I have raised many children as a mum, nanny and very hands on auntie and my twins are now 14 years old and it does get easier. In fact after age one I found my twins the easiest compared to their older sister and my son who’s 4 years younger. Singles need so much more entertaining than multiples do as they are usually pretty content with each other and have more patience. Having said that 0-1 is hard bloody work. Everything is doubled including the joy so just keep swimming mama you love got this and I promise you it will all get easier soon. Xxx

[quote Twinmammma]@rosegoldivy don’t be scared! You can do it. Which area are you in? There are lots of fab twin groups to meet other mums of multiples.[/quote]
@Twinmammma In just outside Glasgow, i've been invited into a few local twin groups which have been fab for support even through pregnancy so far.

SleepingStandingUp @PowerslidePanda

Thanks for the moral support haha
Im under no illusions what an absolute graft is coming and have accepted that I will be tired for the next 5 years and my house will resemble an absolute shit hole and I may or may not become a functioning alcoholic to get through the days. I have made my peace with that :)

Not rtft but it annoys me so much when people try to give advice and say mine aren't twins but they're very close in age. It's not the same thing at all!!!

It is so hard and I remember it well. One of my twins had terrible reflux (as mentioned upthread) and I spent much of the early days inside with them as going out was a struggle. I was fortunate to have my mother to help, but if I had my time again, I would reach out more to twins groups.

I'm nearly 15 years on now and my boys are great friends and great company for each other during lockdown.

I promise it will get easier, but completely understand the frustration when we'll meaning parents of singleton babies impart advice!

OP as the mum of an only child, I can't even imagine having more than one child of different ages!

All I can say is the people I know with twins (and triplets!) say it gets easier and it's worth it in the end

I was terrified of having twins when trying for our second and am so glad I didn't (twins in the family). Obviously I would have loved them both to death but I really just don't know how I would have coped. I can barely manage one baby! All credit to you OP

Maybe see if there are any groups you can join aimed at twins or parents (Facebook). I'm a twin and I've had long conversations with my mum about how tough it must have been for her. Now I'm a mum myself I can kinda imagine it. She always told me she was having a good day if she managed to get dressed lol. People without twins just don't get it. Maybe next time they say something like put them in a sling say ok and what do I do with the other one

Wow, that sounds incredibly hard OP.

As to your friends, I think if you present people with a 'problem' or an issue, whatever it is, they will instinctively try to solve it. I don't think it is coming from a bad place, they are just trying to offer solutions, which admittedly they are not qualified to give.

Smile, nod and ignore most singleton centric advice. It’s well meant but generally not helpful. Join the twin mums Facebook groups. Your local home start might have a multiples group too.

God yes, mine are are 11 weeks old (6 weeks adjusted, because they were early). Sleep is a bloody nightmare at the moment. I had naively thought as they were identical they would have similar patterns..... nope. One is a night owl and I can’t get him to sleep until nearly 1am (ideal awake time for his age is about 40 minutes.... couldn’t stop that going round my head when he’d been awake for nearly 5 hours!) whereas the other is currently and early riser. They work me in shifts so that I get virtually no sleep at all! I’d love to put one in a sling so I could have my hands free for homeschooling my eldest, but inevitably the other one needs feeding or a nappy change. If I put both in a carrier, they kick and punch each other and get really upset. My first was a Velcro baby and a. Poor sleeper, but it’s just not the same level! There are no easy days with tiny twins.

I think what makes it tough is that I get the “I didn’t sign up for this” feeling (which of course is true of lots of different situations e.g. SEN) - I wanted a second child, but childcare is now going to be a huge financial stretch, we will need a new car when lockdown ends (we are now a 5 person family with a 4 seat car that doesn’t fit the pram in the boot) and the constant juggling is horrifically difficult. I used to enjoy snuggling with my newborn DD, but it’s so much harder with 2. Sleep when they sleep doesn’t work if they sleep at different times and wake each other all the time so they are both overtired,

I love them. I hope it’s going to get easier soon, I’m certainly looking forward to them being old enough to sit up. In the meantime I’m just surviving day to day and feeling guilty that I’m finding them so tough.

1000 times yes.

Really annoying when a thread is asking for advice about a particular twin issue and people come on with ‘Mine aren’t twins but really close in age, so it’s the same...’ It’s not the same!
Twin club was a god send, I suppose that’s all stopped at the moment.

Remember, people mean well, but mostly have no idea.

Im under no illusions what an absolute graft is coming and have accepted that I will be tired for the next 5 years and my house will resemble an absolute shit hole and I may or may not become a functioning alcoholic to get through the days. I have made my peace with that

Hehe - sounds like you're as mentally prepared, at least!

Promise it gets easier crazychemist

I think the first three months with my twins was probably the hardest three months of my life so far. You will get through it.

@coralpig I had twins (plus 2 older children aged 4 and 6 at the time). I know how hard it is. I only took advice from friends who also had twins because other mothers don’t “ get it”. Check out the Twins Trust online and other Twin and Multiple Forums. Having beautiful twins is an entirely different kettle of fish. Good luck.

@crazychemist

God yes, mine are are 11 weeks old (6 weeks adjusted, because they were early). Sleep is a bloody nightmare at the moment. I had naively thought as they were identical they would have similar patterns..... nope. One is a night owl and I can’t get him to sleep until nearly 1am (ideal awake time for his age is about 40 minutes.... couldn’t stop that going round my head when he’d been awake for nearly 5 hours!) whereas the other is currently and early riser. They work me in shifts so that I get virtually no sleep at all! I’d love to put one in a sling so I could have my hands free for homeschooling my eldest, but inevitably the other one needs feeding or a nappy change. If I put both in a carrier, they kick and punch each other and get really upset. My first was a Velcro baby and a. Poor sleeper, but it’s just not the same level! There are no easy days with tiny twins.

I think what makes it tough is that I get the “I didn’t sign up for this” feeling (which of course is true of lots of different situations e.g. SEN) - I wanted a second child, but childcare is now going to be a huge financial stretch, we will need a new car when lockdown ends (we are now a 5 person family with a 4 seat car that doesn’t fit the pram in the boot) and the constant juggling is horrifically difficult. I used to enjoy snuggling with my newborn DD, but it’s so much harder with 2. Sleep when they sleep doesn’t work if they sleep at different times and wake each other all the time so they are both overtired,

I love them. I hope it’s going to get easier soon, I’m certainly looking forward to them being old enough to sit up. In the meantime I’m just surviving day to day and feeling guilty that I’m finding them so tough.

Your post literally says it in a nutshell. That's exactly how it was for me and how I felt. We weren't even sure whether to have another after our son as I had such bad SPD from 17 weeks and he was such a bad sleeper and we had to think could we afford another one but we decided it would be fine and ended up with twins. I cried when they told me at the scan. I totally didn't expect it all (no twins in the family). You learn to adjust, you learn to stretch yourself in every direction and to make the money go further. When we can't afford things that other families take for granted, I still have that "I didn't sign up for this feeling" but then I look at my girls and wouldn't change it for the world. You sound like you're doing an amazing job

I'm a mum of twins and just wanted to say, it will get better. You're doing great.

Just had an example of a moment that makes the hard work of twins so worthwhile - DT1 just said DT2's name for the first time! She only has a few words in total and it's not the easiest of names (3 syllables) - so very lovely to see/hear! Hang in there, new twin mums - you've got all this to come

The thing is, no one is in the same situation, and people can't have experience of each others situation.

I had an under 2 year gap, and personally I think twins would be easier because the different ages were incompatible for the first 18m or so (ie crawling baby destroys toddlers games/takes apart puzzles, both very high maintenance in different and incompatible ways. But if I had twins, I'd probably think that was harder. And even if someone has had both singles close in age and twins, they'd have had one first, and so they can't really be compared.

I agree though that more children is going to equal more work, so a single baby is going to be easier than twins, and twins easier than triplets, but obviously every child is individually,.and some singletons are probably harder work than some twins, due to being particularly high needs, or disability.

I can see why advice is frustrating though. You clearly have your hands very full.

@Babyboomtastic well there we have it in a nutshell. Parent with two under two thinking twins would be easier. Literally no idea whatsoever about the reality of twins. And you probably chose to have a small age gap. Something people with twins don’t do. Presumably your older child was sleeping better by the time your second child came along rather than two newborns both up in the night together or one after the other. Have you tried breast or bottle feeding two cluster feeding newborns at the same time? Dealing with teething? Taking two to their injections at once. Even just the relentless drudge of changing countless nappies one after the other. And then the expenses of two at once, two car seats together and everything else ad nauseum. I despair

So sorry to hear about all your struggles @coralpig, this sounds so incredibly tough. Your blogpost is very brave. Twin pregnancy really is so tough on the body and then to have sepsis on top, throw in a pandemic and exhaustion - no wonder you’ve been feeling this way. PND is much more
Likely to happen after twins, they take a tremendous toll on your mental health. Sending you huge hugs and hope this thread has helped a bit

@HermioneKipper

And there you have it, someone with twins not realising how hard a small gap can be...

My not yet 2 year old wouldn't go to bed until 10-11pm and was usually awake for 2 hours in the night, and still only sporadically sleeps through at heading towards 4.

Have you tried potty training whilst having a newborn?

Trying to plan activities which are manageable with 2 children that need contestant attention but are at different life stages? My toddler would get frustrated and punch and kick my baby when she started crawling.

Your eldest crying and clinging onto you whilst shouting that she needs you whilst your newborn cries for you,? (I used to breastfeed one whilst having the other on my back in a sling, bouncing on a yoga ball to get them to sleep).

Having one child tell you that she hates you because she's jealous of her sister taking me away?

Dealing with teething and the terrible twos at the same time.

Spending the early days with the second when establishing breastfeeding etc running round soft play rather than at home.

Having to get out to a park rain or shine however had the night, because the toddler needs to burn off some energy.

Having to perfect breastfeeding in a sling whilst sprinting after your toddler (nipple whiplash!!) so as not to loose them when they run off in public.

Even now at nearly 4 and nearly 2, we have several nights a week where all 4 members of the family are up at some ungodly hour as both children have woken up simultaneously, or where they tag team.

I don't think having twins is easy, but unless you've walked in my shoes as well (which you can't as physically impossible to do both), then you can't say yours is harder. Just as I'm not saying mine is harder. Both are hard, neither have the monopoly on it.

Nobody's saying it's not hard but it's different. Plus plenty of people have older children when they have twins, me included! I had a lot of the problems you mention with my older son and the twins.