To think that people who don’t have twins or multiples really don’t get it

[coralpig]

My twins are 9 weeks old and going through an extremely fussy phase. I know it’s a phase and they’ll grow out of it but it is draining- they grumble most of the day and I feel like I’m firefighting. I’m recovering from a very traumatic period of time- the last few months it seems that life has thrown everything at us and I’m so exhausted with no nearby family support. It’s physically and emotionally very difficult. A lot of my well meaning friends (who I am very lucky to have) have been telling me their tips from when their kids were small eg. ‘Put them in a sling all day’ or ‘pick them up before they get too ratty’ or ‘just embrace the cuddles’ or ‘nap when they do’ etc. I smile and thank them politely but this is nigh on impossible with two babies who both have different needs and are getting heavy. I’ll happily cuddle both of them but they can’t both be picked up easily and one always seems to get ratty when the other is down and they set each other off. It frustrates me that friends are saying they know what I’m going through when they really don’t. I know they are just trying to help but it makes me
resent having two and feel a lot of mum guilt for my babies who didn’t ask to be in this situation. Aibu?

[Spottysausagedogs]

I look back now and wish I'd gone to twins club, I think I would have felt so much better. The isolation from feeling so alone with your situation plus the mum guilt of not being able to shower all your attention on one baby, of feeling you could never be enough, was a crusher. YOU ARE ENOUGH. Please remember that always. I think everyone with twins must feel like that but its not true.
I feel like at least I wouldnt have felt so isolated at least if I'd gone to a group of people who get it. But at the time I was in the mire with it all, the group was in the next town and early start on a morning, I felt it just wasn't possible. Should have made the effort. I know that's no comfort to you in this situation with covid but aim for that as soon as lockdown/restrictions allow. Try to surround yourself with twin mums virtually, there's some good groups on fb. The multiples board on here is a good one just a bit quiet, less traffic.
Keep in mind your friends mean well, you already know that. Dont bang your head on a brick wall trying to get them to understand, they never will. Just ask for help and try to give them actual jobs to do.

It does get better! As they get older you can spend time with them individually, get out more etc. You will start to feel like yourself again soon I promise. I always thought there was a big turning point at 12 weeks with all my kids.
Good luck, its a slog and you have to get your head around it. Dont beat yourself up, you'll get through, takes time.

[JanewaysBun]

Unsolicited, often annoying advice is part and parcel of being a mum lol. you'll probably get a lot of annoying twin questions over the years

Hope they get better soon, have you formed a childcare bubble with the GPS?

my secret dream is to have twins although I think DH would have multiple nervous breakdowns!

[HermioneKipper]

@Babyboomtastic Yes i know all of this as I also had a toddler when my twins arrived.

Presumably you planned a second child? Your choice to have a small gap. Although frankly almost 2 years isn’t that small of a gap

[HermioneKipper]

Anyway sorry to derail your thread @coralpig

[Babyboomtastic]

Nobody's saying it's not hard but it's different. Plus plenty of people have older children when they have twins, me included! I had a lot of the problems you mention with my older son and the twins.

Yes, so your comparison isn't a small age gap vs twins, it's twins plus an older child, so 3 children. So completely different again.

It you might have someone who had two with a small age gap followed by twins (it the reverse) but again that's not the same because whichever pair came second, makes juggling 4 children not 2.

With twins there are experiences/difficulties your don't get with a small age gap pair, and vice versa. I think bar the general principle that more children = more work, it's impossible and unfair to claim either is hardest.

[Babyboomtastic]

@HermioneKipper
I planned for a longer gap, but your don't always get to choose these things.

As we've probably crossed, your experience of 3 children including twins is different from either just a cost gap pair or twins.

And yes 20m isn't that small a gap, but I'm not sure that a few months less or more really makes a difference. The baby isn't the tricky bit IMO, it's the toddler 🙂

[june2007]

Obviously it is tougher with two and what works with one may not work with two. However you can carry twins together and have known people who have. (Not sure I could.) You can breast feed twins. (But it is demanding bf one.). Some of the suggestions do work for some. Smile sweatly and say either I,ll try that or that won,t wokr for my family. Any Tampa groups neaar you who may be able to share their experience. (Twins and multible birth associaiton.)

[Babyboomtastic]

But anyway, this is the sort of debate that can go round for decades. I get the frustration I really do, especially with first time mums with just one child, as the juggle, however it is made up, is hard!

So perhaps let's move on...

[1Morewineplease]

It's probably best to join a Twins' group.

[HermioneKipper]

@Babyboomtastic why are you even spouting off on a twins specific thread. So many posters have said people can’t possibly understand unless they have twins but along comes some know it all without twins to say that their two different aged children is harder 🙄🙄 Go and make your own thread about small age gaps.

Newborn twins is hands down the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced. Toddler tantrums included.

Your 20 month older child presumably in childcare at the latest at 3 years old. So giving you a significant break which twin parents wouldn’t get.

Twins are harder. End of discussion.

[HermioneKipper]

Yes crossed post. Time to move on. This sort of debate clearly gets me too riled up!

[HermioneKipper]

@Babyboomtastic argh I have to say one more thing. The bit you put about the baby not being the difficult bit it’s the toddler - Yes because you only have ONE!!! FFS

[Babyboomtastic]

@HermioneKipper
I specifically said that it's impossible to tell which is harder as no one has been in the situation of just having both. I've said that neither is harder about 4 times.

Newborn twins is the hardest thing you've done. A small age gap is the hardest thing I've done. How's do you know your toughestb time was harder than my toughest time?

We have no way to compare and neither should we, as no one had the monopoly on this.

And for the record, no my child was not in childcare, so I had both at home. Newborn plus toddler was also fine as I adore the baby stage, but older baby plus toddler for 7 days a week was really tough. I'm not saying that it was tougher than newborn twins, but I'm not saying it's easier either.

[lljkk]

My mother had twins -- she said that having 2 kids close in age but different age looked much harder to her to parent than her twins had been.

I'm related to other sets of twins -- nobody made out it was as hard & unique as some of this thread makes out.

[Babyboomtastic]

@HermioneKipper

No, it's because it's a baby, and their needs are simple. But I'm one of those people that found the baby stage really easy (even with the comic and cluster feeding) compared to toddlerhood. Toddlers are fun but they are brutal!

[HermioneKipper]

@babyboomtastic Yes no point debating with you as you can’t argue with nonsense.

I know plenty of people who had a 20 month old and then unexpected twins and they’ve all agreed that twins is harder. Especially being thrown into twins as a first time mother.

But I’m sure they’re wrong and your two were much harder than anyone else’s.

You had two on your own 7 days a week? So your husband/partner works 24/7. Ok right. And when your older child hit 3 you kept them off childcare even with free hours? Again yeah right. I’d also suggest a better bedtime routine if you don’t want your second two year old up until 11pm every night.

[NoSleepInTheHeat]

@Babyboomtastic
Just one of your examples Your eldest crying and clinging onto you whilst shouting that she needs you whilst your newborn cries for you how possibly could it be worse to have a toddler - who can understand you explaining why you can’t do what they want - than another newborn crying for you?? Really, ignoring a crying toddler (when you know they are safe) is harder than ignoring a crying newborn (who could be crying for any reason)?

[clareykb]

Hang in there op my twins are 6, nearly 7 and the early years were hard and you are right people said they understood, they really didn't!However they now have a ready made playmate, the get on really well, I only have one set of home schooling and our weaning potty training days are through. I NOW look at my friend's who have 6 year olds and a new baby and feel thankful that we are done with the early days but very much in the sense of it was very hard work but over more quickly does that make sense
....I might change my mind when I have 2 teenagers!

[Tiquismiquis]

It sounds like you’ve had a really hard time of it. I’ve had my challenges with two children but I don’t think it’s comparable. I can’t imagine the intensity of two newborns. I had periods of time where just having one sent me crazy. I’d hope things settle for you soon. 3 months seems to be a point where lots of people find it easier.

[Curlygirl06]

My twins are 29 now but I can still remember those early days.
What helped me was the following- put them to sleep back to back in the cot, they sleep better knowing the other one is there.
If one wakes up for a feed, wake the other and feed the other as well, don't feed one then wait for the other, you'll be there all night! If you're bottle feeding, you can feed both at the same time,3 cushions on the floor, sheet over the top, lie them in the dip between the cushions, sit on the floor, bottle in each hand. It's not ideal but in the middle of the night it's quick and you can get back to bed sooner. (That might sound mean but your sleep seems health matters too).
Something I discovered by accident, put them down for a sleep and put the hoover on. That sent mine to sleep in minutes, plus amazingly clean carpets!
I had an older child as well so it's hard with 3 kids under 4, been there done that. Get all the help you can and good luck.

[1stMrsF]

YANBU. I can't even remember most of the first year but I do remember all the singleton mums not getting it. And I wasn't trying to do it in a pandemic so huge respect for what you are coping with. I found the multiples board on here enormously helpful and the mantra 'this too shall pass'. Hang in there.

[TwinMumSuperHero]

Agreed 12 weeks or so felt much more like I was on top of things, I knew what I was doing more and they were more settled or at least it felt better.
Also very much agree joining multiple specific groups :) they were amazing in person and continue to be amazing virtually (we have a WhatsApp group and zoom evenings)
Even FB groups mums of multiples and twinlife multiple life have been really great

(I hope you appreciate my username - it came from people constantly saying I don't know how you do it and memes saying I'm a twin mum, what's your super power) Annoys me slightly though because what am I meant to say to I don't know how you cope? Ermm I just do, no choice
Equally though I got annoyed when people specifically looked at me in a group conversation and say 'xxx is harder than twins' okaaay - I'm sat here quietly, I made no comment on the difficulty of anything . I never claimed to have the most difficult. If anything because mine were so chilled out, I thought 3-18 mths was not too bad. (but they were 16 mths when lock down hit so that's a big part of it!)

[FlyNow]

No, they don't know how hard it is but yab a bit u to take your frustrations at the difficulties out on them (I know you aren't saying it to their face, but even mentally). It's not their fault you had twins! Even if they had twins themselves, and 100% understood, how would that make your life easier?

I think sometimes with things like this you come to feel that insensitive comments from others are the straw that broke the camels back, when they are the least of the problems really.

[FlyNow]

If you want to feel better though OP, maybe watch a few episodes of the reality show "sweet home sextuplets". I know you don't have much time to watch TV but maybe put it on during dinner or something.

[Jojo19834]

OP you are right, we have no idea, I have no idea how mums are managing twins right now. I have a 5 month old and this is my first, and it has been bloody tough. And she is an easy happy baby and has been from birth. How I would cope with twins I have no idea. To think when I was having the embryo implanted (ivf) I thought about having 2 put in and left to fate. Dear lord how naive of me!! (I’m also a single mum by choice but only makes a smidge of difference)