To think that people who don’t have twins or multiples really don’t get it

[coralpig]

My twins are 9 weeks old and going through an extremely fussy phase. I know it’s a phase and they’ll grow out of it but it is draining- they grumble most of the day and I feel like I’m firefighting. I’m recovering from a very traumatic period of time- the last few months it seems that life has thrown everything at us and I’m so exhausted with no nearby family support. It’s physically and emotionally very difficult. A lot of my well meaning friends (who I am very lucky to have) have been telling me their tips from when their kids were small eg. ‘Put them in a sling all day’ or ‘pick them up before they get too ratty’ or ‘just embrace the cuddles’ or ‘nap when they do’ etc. I smile and thank them politely but this is nigh on impossible with two babies who both have different needs and are getting heavy. I’ll happily cuddle both of them but they can’t both be picked up easily and one always seems to get ratty when the other is down and they set each other off. It frustrates me that friends are saying they know what I’m going through when they really don’t. I know they are just trying to help but it makes me
resent having two and feel a lot of mum guilt for my babies who didn’t ask to be in this situation. Aibu?

[Notashandyta]

We had three under 2 and a half. Not quite the same experience but I do agree that noone else can understand unless they had three or more very close together.
It was very, very challenging and the adjustment, worry and constant demands nearly killed us. We also had not alot of support.

We did get through it, and so will you. You are tight in the eye of the storm there. Go easy on yourself, low standards. Teo alove babies at the end of the day is enough.
We did miss out on some things that parents of one (or more, but more spread out) experience. But please believe me that once you adjust and your little ones become mini people who give a little back, and smile and play together, it will be worth it. Hang in there, this phase will pass.
I feel for parents of one in this lockdown, where yours will have a little playmate at all times. You can do this.

[Mayla]

The first 5 months of my girls' lives are probably the worst time in my life.
During the pregnancy my now ex-DH was lovely. He didn't get on well with my parents but insisted we get them down to live with us (from a different country) to help look after the babies. I thought, 'oh wonderful, he wants to make up with them. But after they arrived, he acted as of they didnt exist (he would literally just walk past them as if they weren't there and no respond when they talked to him. A week later i had my girls and by then, the tension in our small 2 bed flat was horrible.
I was sore, feeding, losing sleep (he didnt get up at all for feeds) while at the same time trying to pacify my frequently teary mother and calm my very angry father (who kept a bottle by his bed to hit my DH with if he were ever to piss my dad off. I was starting to hate my DH at thr same time.
This was all in addition to my 2 girls who were horrible sleepers waking wvwry 2 hours...when one started crying, the other invariably did too. And from around 2 weeks, they both got horrible colic.Lots of people gave me all kinds of advise...most of it was really useless, some of it good but all was well intentioned...although i do remember that at the time, I would sometimes find myself gritting my teeth with anger at their suggestions.

It realky was an awful time and i don't even like to relive it...but it's been almost 12 years so all water under the bridge.

It definitely does get better OP.
Especially when they're around 2 and start to play together and don't need you to keep them entertained as much. That was a huge perk for me, as a single mom - yes, i divorced DH eventually.

Hang in there...take each day as it comes. Take everyone's advice in one ear and out the other. And you do what's best for you and the babies.

Hugs to you

[Labobo]

Wow, Mayla. That sound like you had five babies to deal with - newborn twins and three very childish adults!

[winniestone37]

Of course they don’t get it because they’re not experiencing it. I’m sure it’s incredibly challenging and exhausting and I feel for you and hope you get some good support. Ditto with having a disabled child for 24 years and caring and parenting that entire time with little sleep for the first 12 years, people don’t get it if they haven’t been through it.

[Mum2b43]

Hi
I am a family support practitioner. The government has hired a lot of us in last few weeks, our job is to support families who are struggling because covid has caused very big problems for families especially those with young children. My advice would be to find a twin support group. None are meeting in person right now so it will be online. But meeting with parents who are in the same situation as you can really help. There will also be mums who have twins a bit older and will be able to give you advice on how they coped. Do a search online for twin support groups and reach out. No one with single children will be able to understand, you really do need the support from others in your situation.

[shiningcuckoo]

Mine are 15 now, but I can still remember the blur of their time as babies. And the crushing tiredness. It didnt help that their father was useless with them and was a champion criticiser of everything I did. He saw me trying to nap as lazy and was always wanting a pristine house. The thing that kept me going was knowing I didn't have triplets like someone I knew.

[JBFletcherstypewriter]

Hello 👋🏼

Snap @Twinmammma my twins are 8 months now too!!I don’t know about you but I feel irrationally angry on days when I think about this flippin pandemic. I’m not able to go anywhere. I’d love to be asked the stupid questions others get tired of but I can’t go out with the twins. Most of my family and friends haven’t met them. They are missing out on baby classes, interactions with others and frankly I miss showing them off! They’re twins (they were a bit of a miracle) and they’re going to be my last spin on the merry go round as it were so I’m pretty pissed off, sad and feel like I was robbed of that experience. My DH was with me for the section and for about 40 minutes in the recovery room. That was Monday morning and we didn’t see him again until Friday afternoon in the hospital car park. I was in a 4 berth ward in a curtained cubicle with no space as the twins needed separate cots (my DS was 8lbs so they were too big for the same cot) ... Anyway, it was hell on Earth. I was bf’ing both of them and it was non stop. I also had some complications and lost a lot of blood during the surgery so I wasn’t well anyway and I was pretty much on my own for those 5 days. And I did it. All I needed to know was that my DD who was 2 and 3 months was ok at home. After that I thought I can cope with anything. And you can to!!

I did the nights alone, my DH has a job that he needs full concentration levels so there was no point both of us being up. There were some very dark, very low points. When they were both awake screaming at the same time waiting to be fed (started combi feeding after the first week) I thought it would never end. But the one thing that got me through was the experience from my eldest was that NOTHING lasts forever. Every stage is just a stage, you will get through it and it will pass.

We don’t have any family nearby and so pretty much do it on our own. I don’t know how we are doing it but we are. We HAD to break the restriction rules to allow a kind neighbour to come in and look after my eldest whilst I took the babies for jabs etc. (DH not wfh) I don’t have a choice when it comes to stuff like that.

I only bath them once a week (unless there’s a major explosion!!) I have gotten them into the same routine, and yes I did wake them to feed at night , otherwise you’re feeding one or the other all day ... it’s very hard work, it’s relentless, it’s thankless but it’s very rewarding. My toddler is the cause of the majority of the stress to be honest. I started potty training her when they were a few weeks old because she was ready and I didn’t want to delay it. Although she idolises them and is very sweet with them she’s a total diva and thinks she’s the boss. It’s exhausting but the one rule I have is that there is a regimental night time routine. Once they’re down they’re down (had a few weeks of resistance from her ladyship a few months ago for a while but sorted now - all praise the gro clock!) but for the most part they’re really good.

Please @coralpig be kind to yourself!! I bet you’re doing an amazing job. I probably found it easier already having the experience of a baby before. I get upset when I think the bubs don’t get half the amount of cuddles they should or their older sister did. They’ve never slept on my shoulder really unlike my first who wouldn’t sleep anywhere else. But they are very happy babies, full of smiles and worth every minute of tiredness, the dark circles and the c section overhang I don’t think I’ll ever get to terms with it 😢...

I was planning to attend a multiples group and go the days my DD was in nursery but we had to take her out of nursery once the pandemic started as they were still charging 50% of fees and we couldn’t justify it. Now there’s no meetings happening but try to join an online forum or Facebook group. Having someone to share experiences with will help. Or DM me if you like?! And if you’re able, try to get out for a walk. I can’t when I’m on my own with the kids as my DD won’t walk very far but I love it when either the neighbour or my DH is available to come with me. It always makes me feel better.

You must look after yourself too. If you’re not ok then you won’t be able to care for anyone else.... Do your best when you can, that’s all you can do... sending lots of hugs xx

[JBFletcherstypewriter]

Sorry @coralpig just read back what I wrote and realised I didn’t answer the question. From my experience the only thing I can say is that I wished I realised how much easier only one baby is when I had her!! And having one baby is unbelievably tough in itself, so of course those who have singletons wouldn’t know , but that’s ok. All babies are different and everyone’s experiences are different and we all just need to appreciate that. Most people who will give you advice are well meaning but no one is in your shoes so just nod and say “thanks, I’ll try that” and then throw the eyes upwards when they can’t see you anymore if you like 😂

[nannykatherine]

@coralpig

My twins are 9 weeks old and going through an extremely fussy phase. I know it’s a phase and they’ll grow out of it but it is draining- they grumble most of the day and I feel like I’m firefighting. I’m recovering from a very traumatic period of time- the last few months it seems that life has thrown everything at us and I’m so exhausted with no nearby family support. It’s physically and emotionally very difficult. A lot of my well meaning friends (who I am very lucky to have) have been telling me their tips from when their kids were small eg. ‘Put them in a sling all day’ or ‘pick them up before they get too ratty’ or ‘just embrace the cuddles’ or ‘nap when they do’ etc. I smile and thank them politely but this is nigh on impossible with two babies who both have different needs and are getting heavy. I’ll happily cuddle both of them but they can’t both be picked up easily and one always seems to get ratty when the other is down and they set each other off. It frustrates me that friends are saying they know what I’m going through when they really don’t. I know they are just trying to help but it makes me
resent having two and feel a lot of mum guilt for my babies who didn’t ask to be in this situation. Aibu?

I am a qualified Nanny and maternity nurse and I have looked after Twins for my whole career and I totally get what you are saying .
Welcome to twin works
No one else will ever “get” it !
My advice
Don’t listen to advice
Do things your way that works for you and your twins .
Get to know your babies
Follow their lead ..
As for the grumbling all day
Could it be a digestive issue ?
Reflux ?
Are you breast or bottle feeding ..
Are they taking enough milk efficiently ?
Please PM me if you would like to talk it thro ..

[FTEngineerM]

It’s probably the same as a non parent judging/giving advice on how to parent. You just don’t get it unless you’ve lived it usually (with parenting at least).

[jwpetal]

I have a son and then twins. I remember one of my friends, who had triplets, said to me. Oh that is going to be so hard and indeed it was. I had one friend, who had been in the same situation. I barely remember the early ears made worse by them being prem and being in and out of hospital. I was a lone person with a journey no one else could share. You will have one baby/child that is not being held or doesn't get their way or just cries. Be kind to yourself and do the what you can do in that moment. Don't worry about being judged or doing it wrong. If you are posting, you care. I know we are in lockdown, but when the time comes....ask for help. don't wait for help. Ask for it. Give yourself 20 minutes a day to be on your own - if you have a partner. Be it a walk or a shower. If not, put them in a chair while you shower or in the buggy. The closest you might get. Do not feel guilty for this. Your babies need a healthy mama. Be kind and do what you can do. Join TAMBA even a zoom meet is better than no meet.
Finally, you've got this. Mothers are super powerful. I look at photos from when my 3 were young (I had 3 under 3) and think how I missed so much. They are now 14 and 11. Well adjusted and alive! You've got this.

[Mayla]

@Labobo Haha, yes it was. Thankfully, i now have only my childish parents to contend with..my girls are definitely more mature than their grandparents, sad to say.
As for their dad, totally different country so i have minimal contact :)

[MumofBreck]

Anyone who can help out with singletons or multiples, please help out new mums as my mom did not get that and I desperately needed and wanted help.

[Chickoletta]

I lost my twins at 13 weeks in April. I’m sure it’s hard and I would have been saying the same things right now. Hold them tightly and enjoy them.

[StillWeRise]

so sorry Chickoletta
RIP your babies

[LizFlowers]

Chickoletta, I am so sorry.

[booearing]

I had my eldest two Ds 12 months apart.
Ds2 had severe re flux and didn't sleep really for the first year and it was a bit of a blur.
But no way would i think that would be as hard as twins.

[OwlBeThere]

I don’t think twins is always harder than 2 or 3 very young kids, but the opposite is also true. It’s different with different challenges.
I had 3 under 2 and a 5 year old. When the baby was they were 4 years 2 months, 22 months and 9 months (no4 was 9 weeks early). So I was breastfeeding three at once for about 3 months. No2 was still waking up every few hours, no3 had just started sleeping through but was waking at 6, then I’d have to take no1 to school. My oldest two are autistic just to add some fun.
I look at pictures of myself that first year and I don’t even recognise myself. I was so tired.

So when I empathise with twin mother friends, I believe it comes from a place of knowing the relentless nature of multiple very small children all at the same time.

[Gilly12345]

I have twin girls and they are 21 years old now, when I needed advice when they were young I asked the Health Visitor when we would visit the health centre for their weigh in sessions, I agree that parents of single babies are not of much help as having two is completely different.

[coralpig]

Thank you for all the responses and advice from other twin parents. Im sorry that this caused argument amongst some- I know it’s not a competition- I wrote this in frustration when my babies were having a bad run of days after their first jabs. We’ve had a lovely few days and I know how lucky I am to have two healthy babies. It is so so hard but I accept there are challenges to everyone’s situation.

[ViewsAreMine]

OP, just wanted to say it does get easier. The first 21 months for me was ...well let's just say, I successfully grew dreadlocks cos' I never had time to comb through my Afro hair 🤣🤣.

It's best to ignore the comments, though more than likely well meaning from those who haven't a clue. Trust me. Not worth getting stressed over.

Congratulations!!

[not2impressed]

Twin mum here. I barely remember the baby stage. I definitely found the twins easier than their big sister though. They're 6 now and absolutely the other way around. But everyone has a different experience and yours sounds so rough no wonder you're fried. It does get easier though, everyone told me to have them on the same routine but I found it easier to have the routines separate with feeding and burping etc. Do what works for you and don't worry about what people are saying to you because your feelings are valid.

[comradelouise]

I'm a twin and also a mum of twins - mine are about to turn two. It's definitely given me a new level of respect for what my mum did for me!

I just wanted to give you hope that things do get easier: once they're mobile they're so much more independent and can to some degree entertain themselves by reaching for whatever they're interested in. Obviously you still supervise, but you aren't tied to constantly carrying them or holding them in the same way. And some day I'm hoping they'll even play together! I certainly played make believe games with my twins for hours :)

[eeyore228]

What would you like them to say? I mean no obviously they don’t get it but at least they are trying to be supportive. I’m not sure what it is they are supposed to say.

[comradelouise]

The thing with very young twins is;

1. It's twice as much crying
2. It's actually more than twice as much crying, because one gets impatient while you're answering the needs of the other

As they get older though, they get more patient and there's less crying! Hang in there xx