To think that people who don’t have twins or multiples really don’t get it

[coralpig]

My twins are 9 weeks old and going through an extremely fussy phase. I know it’s a phase and they’ll grow out of it but it is draining- they grumble most of the day and I feel like I’m firefighting. I’m recovering from a very traumatic period of time- the last few months it seems that life has thrown everything at us and I’m so exhausted with no nearby family support. It’s physically and emotionally very difficult. A lot of my well meaning friends (who I am very lucky to have) have been telling me their tips from when their kids were small eg. ‘Put them in a sling all day’ or ‘pick them up before they get too ratty’ or ‘just embrace the cuddles’ or ‘nap when they do’ etc. I smile and thank them politely but this is nigh on impossible with two babies who both have different needs and are getting heavy. I’ll happily cuddle both of them but they can’t both be picked up easily and one always seems to get ratty when the other is down and they set each other off. It frustrates me that friends are saying they know what I’m going through when they really don’t. I know they are just trying to help but it makes me
resent having two and feel a lot of mum guilt for my babies who didn’t ask to be in this situation. Aibu?

Not at all unreasonable, I can't imagine how hard it must be. Although "nap when they do," doesn't actually work for a lot of singles - mine only really wants to nap on me and was low birth weight so co-sleeping isn't an option as it's (more) dangerous.

You're doing great.

I’ve had 2 kids, 12 years apart and my eldest stayed with her dad when we split up (my youngest child I had with my new husband for context). I would never dream of saying such inane bullshit to you OP. As a mum of singles, I have no bloody idea how you do it. Hats off and I doff my cap. All I can say is things will get easier, though I know that’s absolutely no use to you right now. I was lucky with both of mine that they were easy babies, but the toddler years? Holy shitballs! Big massive stupendous hugs. You are doing a fantastic job. I hope this phase passes quickly x

Those early periods were a blur, take the advice that works for you and leave the rest. I swear my triplets thought that at least one of them was ‘meant’ to make noise like the hoover in the background, it seemed to never end, tiring, but, it passes. The best is that they will have a playmate, and schedules can be the same, and they can be homeschooled together;-b

Multiples are fun and amazing, but the teen years nearly did me in. Best wishes and breathe.

I think people do this with all issues in life. They feel like they need to offer words of support by giving suggestions, which although well meaning, when you’re exhausted from birth let alone caring for them for 9 weeks I am sure it’s very annoying. I had all the same advice with my first so I can imagine caring for twins etc are way beyond comparison to that. Funnily enough once I was on to my second and third, no one ever offered me that advice. It was more the sort of empathy that I needed to hear.

I had 2 of my daughters 13 months apart. That was incredibly hard work doi g it on my own (hubby was posted in army away alot) I had one baby and another one who was on the loose and trying to potty train. One who was into everything (terrible 2s) and one who was trying to walk. Looking back 13 years later I'm not sure how I did it lol but I promise you it will get easier. My 2 are so close and when they got to 2 and 3 they used to play and entertain themselves. Maybe try some twins/multiples groups online?

I have two children 8 years apart as it took me that long to brave having another newborn again - so I can’t even imagine how full on and tiring it must be for you. I know our local college did nanny/childcare courses and if you had twins you could ask for one of their students to come and help as part of their course. May not seem suitable in this current time but worth asking. I don’t think they do much with babies but can help with everything else

One of my neighbours (in her 60s now) had triplets. I asked her how it was and the look on her face said it all. She said she finally got a break a bit when they turned 3!

My mum and my grandma had twins so I was sort of expecting them. When I bought my single son home and realised how hard first time parenting is I just remember saying to everyone “thank god it’s not twins!”
My second child of my four - my daughter is now pregnant - it’s twins. I cannot wait to help out. 😁

I’ve had the “I’d kill myself if I had twins” comment too - not much you can respond back to that with!!

Like others have said, you’re doing amazing, the first year will be a blur but you’ll get used to the well-meaning but lack of understanding comments. It’s really hard when you’re stuck in the middle of it but they are just trying to be helpful. Tiredness and emotions make it harder to take that in at the time.
My two will be 10 next month, b/g and I still occasionally get the odd daft question.
It really does get easier. Instead of a feeding, changing, burping machine you turn into a referee!!

Me and a couple of friends set up a twins club as there wasn’t one in our area. It’s still going 7 years later. Twins Trust are great.

You’re doing amazing :)

YANBU - although we all have a different set of circumstances, and one persons struggle doesn’t lessen anyone else’s. That being said my now 20m old was a very, very difficult baby. Had there been 2 of him I couldn’t have done it. Nearly sent me over the edge as it was. Hats off to you!

I think if you don’t have twins you probably don’t get it . Twins as your first born is tough . However I think it is easier to have 2 yr old twins than a 2 yr old and a newborn .
Also it friends on the babies , my twins were tough but way easier than my second born singleton who wasn’t an easy baby and I also had 6 yr old twins with all the after school clubs and play dates that fine with that and my husband took a job where he was abroad 3/4 weeks .

Everyone has different situations as they go through parent hood and everyone reacts differently . I’m sorry you are struggling and it is hard . However the day will come when those tiny babies are talker than you and are gearing up to leave home and become independent adults so try not to worry about who has it worse now just do what you can .

Hi OP,
My twins are almost One now, and I promise you it gets easier. At 9 weeks old you’re still very much in the fourth trimester and it’s so so so hard - the feeds! Keeping two hungry newborns fed, it’s so difficult. I’ll be very honest, I didn’t notice it get much easier until they were about 6 months old, but once we were weaning, had a nice little routine going, it started getting that bit easier.

I managed to get to a baby sensory session just before Christmas before lockdown, and I remember the other mums there asking me how on Earth I cope with them both - you just do, don’t you! You don’t have a choice, I can hardly give one of them back! You’ll find your way with them you really will. Before long you’ve mastered the ‘twin hold’ and can pick them both up when they both start screaming at once. Accept any help you can as and when it’s available. It will get easier it really will. Sorry to hear you’ve been having such a hard time x

Nope, I have no idea whatsoever. I did Nanny once for three under 3s (2.5 years, 18 months and 9 months - 2 sisters and their cousin in case you’re wondering 😊😊) and it was the hardest work ever. Two or three the exact same age must be soooo incredibly hard.

My twins were 1lb 13 ozs and 2lbs 10ozs. They are healthy 35+ year olds now. It was worth it but such hard work. No one with one baby can ever know what the first six months were like. Mine slept through the night at 3years.

I think two very close in age are worse as you effectively have two babies but with different needs.

It gets easier, trust me. Also harder. The bits that are hard now get easier but then nature finds something else to throw at you. Mine are now 13 and I remember so well that time when all I did was comfort one anf then the other and then the first again and then. Trust me, you're doing a fab job and I completely hated those people who went on about slings and never putting them down so they would bond with you napping when the babies napped. Babies' nap time was the only time I ever got any stuff done!!

Twin here...mum said it was tough going for the first 2 years but that we were thick as thieves after that and the easiest of the mob so it's not forever. Hope you can find some downtime for yourself in the weeks and months ahead

I totally feel your pain. I even had a family member tell me years ago that her having her sons close together was the same as twins and it wasn’t that hard having them! Ok then!! The first year with my twins felt impossible and it was really about us all surviving and that’s ok. Nobody understands unless they have multiples themselves, they just don’t. My girls are 8 now And just amazing!! You just find your own ways don’t you. I did wish the time away with them as babies because I just wanted them to sit and stand and walk by themselves and I don’t regret it at all because it was easier when they were more independent. However my youngest is nearly 2 and I’ve really embraced all the time with her because it’s just 1 baby and it’s so much easier and simpler. Ha! It’s just different. I’m sure you’re doing a wonderful job and your friends mean well x

I am sure some people who don't have multiples don't get it, but not all. My sister had twins so I have a good idea how hard it is. I think it's true for other things regarding babies. My oldest refused to sleep at night for the first 8 weeks. As in the earliest she went to sleep was 3am, but sometimes it wasn't till 6am. She was tongue tied and had bad reflux. I remember someone on from my nct group gloating that hers slept through 12 hours like that made her some kind of fantastic parent and not just lucky. Also the well meant advice that was coming from people who clearly hadn't had the same problems. Having said all this the only thing I could be glad of at the time was that there weren't 2 of them.

I know it's hard now op. The early years are tough especially with twins. I do think in the long run having twins is lovely though. My sister's twins are late primary and best friends. They are quite shy so when they started school it was great as they had each other to help them settle in. Through the different lockdowns they have had a friend the same age to play with. My Dd's are 5 and nearly 3 and though they play together they are obviously at very different stages of development.

Just hold on in there Op. A time will come when you will be grateful you had twins.

No one can really get it though can they?

I had twins, it's was bloody hard work. I also had a 1 year old (crazy I know). The then 1 year old and one of the twins both have disabilities.

I was constantly given "well meaning" advice and wanted to scream.

I can say I get it, honestly my first 6 months were a blur, but the reality is only you can know your own experiences. You do have my sympathy though. It's bloody hard work.

When my twins were tiny I had a friend who said that coping with twins couldn’t be any more difficult than dealing with a singleton - we’re not friends anymore 😡

I do know what it’s like, my Dsis has two sets and I’m glad I only had single babies. It does sound like your friends are trying to be helpful though, better than not saying anything at all.

I had 3 under 2, none of whom were twins. That was fun.

My twins are in their 20s, still at home.
It was hard when they were little babies, as soon as they were toddlers it was easier than 1.
They played together and kept each other entertained.
When they were 13 we decided to foster. We have had our foster child for 9 years. They have asd and adhd.
This is far tougher.
I know every case is different but don’t fret, it really will get better.