To think that people who don’t have twins or multiples really don’t get it

[coralpig]

My twins are 9 weeks old and going through an extremely fussy phase. I know it’s a phase and they’ll grow out of it but it is draining- they grumble most of the day and I feel like I’m firefighting. I’m recovering from a very traumatic period of time- the last few months it seems that life has thrown everything at us and I’m so exhausted with no nearby family support. It’s physically and emotionally very difficult. A lot of my well meaning friends (who I am very lucky to have) have been telling me their tips from when their kids were small eg. ‘Put them in a sling all day’ or ‘pick them up before they get too ratty’ or ‘just embrace the cuddles’ or ‘nap when they do’ etc. I smile and thank them politely but this is nigh on impossible with two babies who both have different needs and are getting heavy. I’ll happily cuddle both of them but they can’t both be picked up easily and one always seems to get ratty when the other is down and they set each other off. It frustrates me that friends are saying they know what I’m going through when they really don’t. I know they are just trying to help but it makes me
resent having two and feel a lot of mum guilt for my babies who didn’t ask to be in this situation. Aibu?

My two are 16 now and their first year is a blur of exhaustion! I also had a 5 year old and 2 year old (who'd just been diagnosed with autism) when they were born. I have no idea how I did it. I think I did the bare minimum basically!

I love seeing baby twins. And much as I joke I'd swap my big smelly teens for babies I know I wouldn't cope with the lack of sleep again!

One of my favourite things was seeing them interact together as they grew, so very sweet and lovely. (Not so much now they fight and argue )

I think it is a confirming bias (not sure if this is the right term), in the way that people who do take CV19 seriously will be affected by the coverage, but people who do not, will understand the staff is exhausted but will rationalise it using other arguments.

Wow it's like looking back at myself when mine were babies. Especially the resentment and guilt. It does get easier lovely. Hang on in there. Do NOT beat yourself up for finding it hard. Baby twins are so fucking hard. And no, singletons and parents of more than one that are close in age just don't get it.

I used to get all those comments too and it made everything so much worse. Every stage is different but still harder than one baby - until they get to the age they will play together, then you get to be smug.

When they get older, get them to do as much for themselves as they are able to. As soon as mine could put their own shoes on, that was it they did it every time. Every time they learnt to do something for themselves it was a little bit less pressure on me. They're 4 now and things are so much easier than when they were babies.

I have twins and a 2 year old. I often think that parents with ‘just’ twins just don’t get it!

Hard to get something when you are not in the situation.

I should say newborn twins and a 2 year old

Oops, wrong thread! Apologies

I understand OP. I have twin dd's, nearly 13 now! But remember the feeling I was on my own with having 2 babies, it's very hard and can feel isolating. Try and join a twin club, I did for the first year and though I didn't make any special friends it helped to listen to other parents of multiples. Accept all help given/offered. It will get easier, I promise

I have twins in my family as well and am very scared of having them myself knowing what it was like when they were babies. It was very difficult. It does get easier but it's always going to be harder than having one.

My friend has 2 sets of twins under 2. I don't know how she does it. I'm absolutely in awe of her. I would never try to advise a mother of twins. Its a different ballpark. Congratulations OP!

And yes totally identify with the feelings of resentment, I felt angry for the first year or so on and off, especially as my pregnancy had been so tough too. Felt I had missed out on an easy pregnancy, more tranquil start to motherhood (mine were in scbu for over a month) and so on. I realise now though that nobody has a text book pregnancy and birth, and things are out of your control often. But I get you.

People won't get it; and, somehow, having twins brings out all the inane comments "are they identical? Can you tell them apart? We're they natural?"

My twins had separate placentas, so we didn't find out they were identical until we had them DNA tested. I once told someone this and got the response, "Oh wow - so even their DNA is identical?!"

And someone in my local twins club was once asked if her boy/girl twins were identical!

YANBU
My advice is get a changing table for upstairs AND downstairs.
You wont regret it, I regretted not realising whatba diifference it would make.
Also make a really comfortable bed somewhere out of earshot of other adult, so that you can go somewhere for a sleep with no interruptions for a short stretch, or they can, whilst other adult supervsing.
I hunkered down in the living room with babies so my husband could sleep midnight till six, then he took over for a bit and I went upstairs to bed again out of earshot. I really regret v uncomfortable downstairs sofabed I had to sleep on. I should have bought a comfortable divan for living room, as temporary measure. Husband also dealing with two year old toddler I hasten to add.
Also I should have asked people to deliver homecooked meals instead of baby presents, flowers. Just the occasional spag bol or casserole or roast chicken organised by someonebELSE would have really helped.
Hang in there, mine are 18 now!

Can anyone get anything if theyve not been through it themselves?
When you've come through this first tricky bit I imagine itll be easier in many ways?
Babies are hard work, hats off to you.

It's different for sure but friends with different aged kids have different challenges especially with small age gaps, my dd was diagnosed with autism 3 weeks after I gave birth to my second dc. I'm not claiming it's the same at all but it's very challenging l, just different. If could have my time again I would double the gap!

Btw I was a nanny for a short time when dd1 was a baby - so I was caring for a 5 month old and 3 month old, so hard, I quit after 3 weeks but dd was having health and development issues, didn't know it was autism but in retrospect the signs were there

Everyone comments on everything. People like to give advice and opinions. Just try and breath

I’d never presume to advise, having only had singletons, and pretty easy ones at that.

I do know of a single mother with very young twins - the pregnancy was on purpose, not that she had expected twins. She is a very highly organised person but even so I think the day-to-day must have come as a bit of a shock - new babies don’t give a toss about whatever nice tidy schedule you may have drawn up!

The one I really admired was a woman I used to see at work, whose 2nd (natural) pregnancy turned out to be triplets - her first child was 3 or 4.
I remember asking her how she was getting on as she came in with the triple buggy when they were about 8 months.

‘I’m going to put them on EBay!’

Many years later they’ve all grown into a lovely family.

I am absolutely confident that I don’t know what it’s like. I have one 7 week old, am exhausted and overwhelmed a lot of the time, and I probably think several times a day ‘just imagine if it was twins!!’.

I can only contemplate how hard it is, and I think you’re amazing

That is correct, I can't even imagine. A lot of respect for those with multiples, don't know you do it.

Oh love, it's not easy. And you're right, the people with singleton babies won't get it (in the same way, as others have said, that people who haven't experienced it don't get the difficulties of having a child with SEN, or several children close in age, or single-parenthood). But the problem here is that their kindly-meant advice just doesn't work. And because of Covid, nor does the 'standard' twins advice of 'take help when it's offered/get out and about even if it's hard' etc.

It will get easier. And you will get through it. It is really, really hard. You're doing your best. And they will be carried around and cuddled less than single babies - they have a different experience, just as an oldest child's experience is different from the youngest. It's OK.

My twins are 12 now. The first year of their life was really, really hard work. We'd had an incredibly difficult lead-up to it with a family death, a high-risk pregnancy and relocating to the other end of the country. But we got through it, and it got easier, and having them is truly a blessing and a joy (though not without its challenges and difficulties, of course). You will get there.

Some stuff I found helpful that still applies in Covid times:

Prioritise sleep where you can (I know!!). In our case, that meant DH sleeping in the guest room twice a week, and me doing so once at the weekend (he'd wake me up to feed the babies, but I just did that and then went back to sleep).
Look after each other. We were both prepared to suck up bursts of really hard work for the other one's benefit.
Drop your expectations where you can - e.g. housework, nice cooking. It's fine, you can do it all further down the line.
Changing station upstairs and downstairs. I had a toothbrush downstairs too. Somewhere they can nap downstairs (moses basket if tiny, or buggy, or just a little 'nest' on the floor. They can wear babygros, don't need to faff around with clothes.

Good luck with it. You'll get there.

I have learnt to tell people that I am not looking for solutions, that I just want to talk to someone before I implode/explode.

For me, just getting stuff off my chest in one miserable, ranting, crying pity party enables me to carry on. It's the verbal form of going for a run!

It's natural for people to want to help, but it can make you feel worse when they suggest things that are either not possible or that you've thought of.

You need to find non-judgemental people who will just listen to you.

I have twins. My mum had 5 children before the age of 25 so at one point she had 5 kids under 8 years old. After helping with my twins she said it was harder to look after twins than her 5 children because with different age groups most of the other 4 children could do somethings themselves.
My advice to you is to scour twin websites looking for tips. I carried two twins up until 14 months old. I bought that baby bjorn with back support and put one baby in that and the other on my hip. Twin and even triple baby carriers are available if you want to invest in one of these. Double breast pumps are a must. When they are older you can buy light weight foam supports that helps them old the bottle on their chest (just don't use them too young as there is a risk of drowning obviuosly).
I did buy a twin breast feeding pillow but unfort I couldn't establish breastfeeding as they were born prem. So when they were old enough I also developed a system of sitting on the floor to feed them their bottles at the same time - one baby perched in the crook of each knee.
My twins also lived in their baby grows. Even when they started to walk I just bought baby grows with non slip feet. Baby grows are so much easier for nappy changing.
I also agree with another poster, nappy changing kit on each floor. And while its nice to bath them everyday - its really not essential and that saves some time.

It's hard mine are 11 now (also had a 4 year old when they were born) and I survived - You will too.
A midwife who had twins herself told me always listen and nod to the advice of singleton parents then go off and do your own thing, what you need to do at that point in time to just get through it.
Things that helped me that may help were:
A sling so I could have one in a sling, one in arm and a free hand,
Put them to sleep together, it helped them settle (as you know bit difficult to rock two to sleep),
Get their routines the same (wake them so they feed at same time etc) I know mums of singletons are told not to wake a sleeping baby,
Guilt is inevitable just try and keep it in perspective (your doing your best).
Keep going, just do what you need to do and nothing more you'll get through it.

YANBU, I have twin nephews and it was tough on my DSiL especially for the first year. Most of the time she had one granny or the other in attendance during the day but she was still pretty shattered. We all get Mum-guilt but as a twin-Mum you especially don't deserve it because you are doing double duty.

Oh I so agree!

But as others have said, I joined a twins club. As I struggled in for the first time trying to carry 2 car seats with 3 month old twins in and a massive changing bag, a lady came to help me and said "You poor cow - its a bloody nightmare at this stage isn't it?" - now she got it !!

@PowerslidePanda And someone in my local twins club was once asked if her boy/girl twins were identical! A nurse on a children's ward asked me the same thing !!