To think that people who don’t have twins or multiples really don’t get it

[coralpig]

My twins are 9 weeks old and going through an extremely fussy phase. I know it’s a phase and they’ll grow out of it but it is draining- they grumble most of the day and I feel like I’m firefighting. I’m recovering from a very traumatic period of time- the last few months it seems that life has thrown everything at us and I’m so exhausted with no nearby family support. It’s physically and emotionally very difficult. A lot of my well meaning friends (who I am very lucky to have) have been telling me their tips from when their kids were small eg. ‘Put them in a sling all day’ or ‘pick them up before they get too ratty’ or ‘just embrace the cuddles’ or ‘nap when they do’ etc. I smile and thank them politely but this is nigh on impossible with two babies who both have different needs and are getting heavy. I’ll happily cuddle both of them but they can’t both be picked up easily and one always seems to get ratty when the other is down and they set each other off. It frustrates me that friends are saying they know what I’m going through when they really don’t. I know they are just trying to help but it makes me
resent having two and feel a lot of mum guilt for my babies who didn’t ask to be in this situation. Aibu?

[Miramour]

Aw I feel for you, must be utterly exhausting. I remember feeling overwhelmed when mine were babies and they were singles.

All the well-meaning comments can be very frustrating and no, people without twins definitely cannot know what it's like.

You're doing an amazing thing, hang in there x

[Emeraldshamrock]

Of course they don't.
I imagine it would be twice as hard you've twice the feeds,changes, no chance of a sneaky nap when baby sleeps.
Like everything it will get easier i barely had time to comb by hair when my 2nd came along with DD in school.
I think a toddler with newborn would be very hard too you'd need octopus arms.

[whinetime89]

I don't have twins, but my youngest 2 are 13 months apart and it was a tough gig trying to constantly meet the needs of 2 small babies . I feel you

[poorbuthappy]

My twins are 12 now....I remember very little of the first year.
100% yes to not trapesing up and down stairs to change bums.
And that's about all I can remember...

[BiggerBoat1]

They absolutely don't get it. I don't know what its like to have one baby, but I know with twins it is absolutely unrelenting.

It does get so much easier though and in many ways I think having twins is easier than having children at different ages and stages.

It might not seem so right now, but having twins really is something incredibly special. Mine are teenagers now and have the most amazing relationship. They've had each other for all their big moments (first day at school etc) and now in lockdown they're working together because they have a lot of the same work.

Stick with it. It is exhausting but so worth it!

[parallax80]

I had an 18 month old when my twins were born. It was kind of hard but everyone made it through. And you will too. Just do what you need to do, ignore other people if they aren’t helpful and accept that there will be many other situations in life where you have no idea how to imagine the difficulties others are facing.

The questions from random strangers did kill me a bit though. Are they identical? No they are boy and girl. But are they identical? 🙄

One of my juniors at work the other day overheard me say something about twins to another colleague and jumped in with “oh did you have IVF?”...which seemed a little forward...

[BiggerBoat1]

@parallax80 I once got asked by an old lady in Waitrose which one was the evil twin!

[MrDinklesOhSnap]

No you aren’t being unreasonable. I have one baby and will never understand what you’re going through. I wouldn’t even try to sympathise saying I’ve been there, cos I haven’t!! Hope things get easier soon.

[unmarkedbythat]

Well, no, how could we? I remember being slightly frantic with ds1 when he was a baby and thinking if he didn't let me sleep in the next half hour I would die, saying as much to dh and him saying "imagine if we had twins". I can't imagine. It must be really, really hard.

[ArabellaScott]

YANBU. Only had singles. Can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be having more than one at a time.

OP.

[everybodysang]

holy shit, no, you are right. Two of my friends had twins at the same time I had my DD (now 10), they both had toddlers too and both were surprise twin pregnancies. It looked INSANELY hard. I was only close to one geographically and I tried to help out with the one near me as much as I could but holy moly it seemed so tough.

They laugh about it now and say they're very happy about having twins now as their relationship with each other is great but I think both came close to almost losing their minds at points in that first year.

A newborn is hard. Twins seems like at least four times as hard. I hope you're ok.

[SleepingStandingUp]

My favourite is "twins are EASIER because they ENTERTAIN EACH OTHER"

They were newborn.

Even at 1 they mainly just steal each others food, fight over toys, compete for attention and generally annoy each other.

Now they can't quite walk but can climb a flight of stairs, onto furniture, up onto different items to reach the pinnacle. No one is entertaining each other.

[MTwhyowhy]

May be worth contacting Norland College. I know in my area, Norland will send trainee nannies (free) to live in for a few months if you have multiples under a year. Obviously may not be happening atm but worth a go.

[Twinmammma]

Hi @coralpig of course they don’t! And it’s not the same as having 2 close in age either.
Mum of twins 8 month twins here.
The first few weeks/ months are hard BUT twins are bloody awesome. I found the juggling between holding crying babies hard, but it gets easier. Once they can sit unaided and crawl to where they want to be, you will not be juggling so much. We take one baby each at night, DH looks after T1 and I have T2. We’ve always done it that way as T1 is ff and T2 is bf. It seems to work and means we both get some sleep. Hang in there, it gets better. Seeing them interact and develop is so much fun.

[Onesipmore]

My twins are now in their teens and it is undoubtedly hard, even when they get to school age. A friend of mine has triplets and that is very, very hard. Likewise random peoples comments and questions used to infuriate me ' Ah double trouble, double the love' etc etc I joined a local twins group and this helped massively x

[BluntAndToThePoint80]

I was coming on to say exactly what @oblada said, although probably less eloquently.

Some people have it hard, some don’t. But there’s usually someone worse off than you - playing the “poor me” game never ends well and I think feeds into a negative, resentful mindset which does not help your situation.

Just ignore advice you don’t want - like any other parent (or any other non-parent to be honest). Get some twin mum friends if you feel you’ll have more in common with them - my friend has twins and she was demented in her early days but is really chill now they are older and they are no bother, while my two (different age children) are currently incredibly demanding for reasons I can’t be bothered to go into (while being easy babies), so I’m having a harder time.

But she sought out (and got) loads of support (and discounts) from our local(ish) twin group. I suggest you start there and stop getting worked up over some well meaning advice from people who are probably only making polite conversation and don’t really care that much about your kids.

[LizFlowers]

I think you are right that people who don't have twins do not really understand - and all twins are different anyway.

[rosegoldivy]

I'm due twins in may... also have a DD who will be 20 months when they arrive.

The replies from twin mums on here give me the fear LOL im so fucked haha

[dottiedodah]

Congratulations on your twins firstly ,and coping day to day .Hats off to you .You are doing a great job there! I think people are trying to help thats all .Many people will say "I know how you feel" on lots of matters doesnt mean they do .Just trying to emphasise I guess .ATM its just day to day and must be very hard as no groups to attend in a physical sense either .Can you see if there are any online forums for twins/multiple births maybe ?Even just a stroll once a day can help too .Sending hugs to you xx

[Robbybobtail]

It must be really awful, I’d hate to have twins. So shit and relentless every single day. Imagine what it’ll be like when they’re both toddlers...

Would you rather your friends said things like this? Of course not! Maybe they’re just trying to be empathetic?

[ibblebibbledibble]

@Littlewhitedove2

I should say newborn twins and a 2 year old

I was in your situation, it’s so hard. That first year or so- I honestly have no clue how I got through it!

[ibblebibbledibble]

@Robbybobtail

It must be really awful, I’d hate to have twins. So shit and relentless every single day. Imagine what it’ll be like when they’re both toddlers...

Would you rather your friends said things like this? Of course not! Maybe they’re just trying to be empathetic?

Haha I remember walking past two women with my twins as babies and overheard one saying to the other ‘I’d actually kill myself if I had twins!’ 😳

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I feel for you. I have twin younger siblings and I remember having to be "mother's little helper" because she was worn out with them. I specifically remember having to go into their room to check which one was crying this time - and saying "it's the boy again" (or whichever) - they weren't named immediately because they were only lately discovered to BE twins (early 70s, no scan at that point).

When I was pg with DS2, I was very fearful of having twins - I didn't want to go through what my mum had.

I think it would be a very good idea to join FB groups for parents of multiples, or twins specifically, for support from people who understand more. YOu'll probably still get the odd smugger, who can manage everything with ease and has perfect babies - but most of them will have full empathy with you.

[Ughmaybenot]

No one ever really gets anyone else’s situation tho, do they, regardless of circumstance. People will always say the wrong thing, or be out of touch, or whatever as they only have their own situation to draw advice or experience from.
Singles mum doesn’t fully get twins mum, twins mum doesn’t fully get triplets mum etc.
Try not to let it get to you, they’re just trying to help the only way they know how.

[Backtoblack1]

New born twins are hard work! Nearly drove me insane. I was lucky in that I joined a twins club and got friendly with another mum who felt the same as me. It’s fucking impossible some days. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to offload x