To think that people who don’t have twins or multiples really don’t get it

[coralpig]

My twins are 9 weeks old and going through an extremely fussy phase. I know it’s a phase and they’ll grow out of it but it is draining- they grumble most of the day and I feel like I’m firefighting. I’m recovering from a very traumatic period of time- the last few months it seems that life has thrown everything at us and I’m so exhausted with no nearby family support. It’s physically and emotionally very difficult. A lot of my well meaning friends (who I am very lucky to have) have been telling me their tips from when their kids were small eg. ‘Put them in a sling all day’ or ‘pick them up before they get too ratty’ or ‘just embrace the cuddles’ or ‘nap when they do’ etc. I smile and thank them politely but this is nigh on impossible with two babies who both have different needs and are getting heavy. I’ll happily cuddle both of them but they can’t both be picked up easily and one always seems to get ratty when the other is down and they set each other off. It frustrates me that friends are saying they know what I’m going through when they really don’t. I know they are just trying to help but it makes me
resent having two and feel a lot of mum guilt for my babies who didn’t ask to be in this situation. Aibu?

[2020iscancelled]

I have no idea how you cope with 2 babies. Hats off to you!

People are generally well meaning and a lot of the advice and opinions around babies (single or multiples) needs to be taken with a pinch of salt and an eye roll. But I think a lot of it is people just trying to help, although of course, it doesn’t really help at all. It usually annoys us!

But everyone’s situation is different depending of their ability to cope, resilience etc.

I have two under two and I often look at parents with one child and think OMG THATS THE DREAM , but of course many of those parents will be struggling and looking at their child free friends thinking their life looks so easy and carefree...and so on and so on.

So no, no one really can understand your situation unless they have lived it.

It’s hard now but it must also be really special and just imagine once the really hard baby parts are over and you start to see them sit up together, play and laugh and toddle around together ... gorgeous!

[S111n20]

YANBU twins are extremely hard work.

[ancientgran]

I always felt sorry for my mother, my sister was 3 months old when she realised she was pregnant again. So she coped with a young baby and pregnancy, with an 11 month old she was recovering for a difficult birth, new baby and the 11 month old and dad was doing 2 jobs so out of the house from 8 am till 10 pm, no paternity leave in those days. I felt sad when she told me that she felt suicidal when she found out she was having me but I can understand it.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

It is hard but it's also very special. There's something lovely about watching them grow up together and interact. Mine are 19 now and very close. However, I do remember that first year being bloody hard work.

Not to mention the expense as well - it always pissed me off that my second twin got less child benefit as she was considered my 'second' child. The reason the second gets less is due to parents having the car seat, the cot etc and handing it down.

And the school trips!!! Start saving now OP!!

Thankfully only one of mine went to uni

[MagpieSong]

I agree. I also think people have the same issues around other situations. My ds was really ill for the first year and slept for less than an hour (max) each sleep, sometimes crying all night in pain. It was terrible. It took ages to get a diagnosis and was a miracle he didn't have kidney failure by that point (hospital was very apologetic and brought us in as an emergency for an Op during the doctor's strike). Anyhow, obviously most people did not understand. How could they unless they'd had a child that kept them up every night for a year? It did get annoying when people didn't try to understand, we got a lot of 'all babies cry' or whatever, but at the same time they were just not really taking in that he was sick.

I'm also adopted and people didn't get how different it was for my parents. The vast majority of the country bar those involved in adoption or similar still don't grasp adoption well and we put up with ridiculous stories like Stuart Little.

Similarly, our friend lost a child to heart problems. He was a baby and it was terribly sad. We can never truly understand, though we try our best.

There are just so many situations where people can't get it. It can make you feel very lonely so I do suggest you reach out to parents of multiples. However, I do think sometimes also people could try a bit harder to really grasp that it IS different to their situation and their best advice or blase reassurances isn't always a help!

[SleepingStandingUp]

@rosegoldivy

I'm due twins in may... also have a DD who will be 20 months when they arrive.

The replies from twin mums on here give me the fear LOL im so fucked haha

Nah, just lower your expectations is all.

With your DD you did X and Y and Z and then sugar coated it with extra credit. With twins you need to accept that X is good, Y is amazing, Al the alphabet goes no higher and sugar is for coffee, cold as usual.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Also, I do have to say, in some ways in can be easier as eventually they'll get into the same routine/schedule (if you're lucky!). Whereas having a 2/3 year old and a newborn, they're on very different schedules with naps etc.

[Gunpowder]

YANBU! It’s a completely different kettle of fish. I had two singletons before my twins and didn’t have a clue. I agree twins get much easier after they are three though. That’s when they actually start to entertain each other.

Also agree about it being expensive. Other countries (e.g France) recognise this and there are tax breaks associated with multiples.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I have no idea how you cope with 2 babies. Hats off to you! Lack of choice.

[SquirtleSquad]

Should also add though, although fucking hard, twins are great. Now in lockdown it's a godsend having them to entertain each other and do their homework together!

We also had a baby when the twins were 3 which I agree with others is hard especially as the twins were just at an easier age, but you get through it. Different set of challenges and struggles - horses for courses.

You're doing a great job!!

[LouNatics]

I don’t have twins so I don’t understand wha it’s like to have care of two babies in that unrelenting way. I can empathise, I can offer ideas or practical things you might try based on my experiences with babies generally, or on conversations with my other good friends who have had twins, if you ask. But I’m not going to say I know what it’s like, because I don’t. I also don’t know what it’s like to have a baby or two during a pandemic. You are finding it difficult, and no wonder.

I can relate to parents who have lost babies because I’ve done that. I can relate to single mothers alone with a newborn, because I’ve done that. I can relate to single parents in poverty. I can relate to student parents and to working parents. I can relate to mothers who are having a horrible pregnancy and running after toddlers because I’ve done that. I can relate to parents of two children, I can relate to parents of three children. I can relate when age gaps make things difficult. I can’t relate to people asking if my children are identical because instead they ask if they have the same father because of their age gap!

Everyone is different and it’s OK to ask for help, regardless of the situation.

[Dartsplayer]

Mine are 10 now but I remember how hard and relentless it all was and I didn't enjoy it one bit (I also had a 2 year old to manage as well). I'm glad that you just see your friend's comments as well meaning (which they are) but you're right, they really don't get it.

I used to have my parents over every day whilst my husband was at work for the first few months as it was just carnage but I see that you don't have family nearby. I joined TAMBA online when mine were babies. They have lots of advice and I think even a helpline. Can you afford to have get some home help?

You don't mention a DH/DP but even though my DH was working he would sometimes get up in the night and feed and change one whilst I did the other otherwise he was woken up by the screaming anyway so it was quicker for us to both do one each (but sometimes he slept through them and I did them on my own). We took it in turns for a lie in on the weekend. He also would sleep downstairs with them on a Friday night (they slept in a travel cot) so that I could have one night's sleep a week. Its also hard to get rest when they don't both sleep at the same time but can you put the awake one on a playmat and just lay down on the sofa watching them whilst the other is asleep so that you body is physically resting.

Hang on in there. You are doing a great job

[FunkBus]

You can say that about anything.

People who don't struggle with PND don't know what it's like. People who have a supportive family don't know what it's like. People who don't have autism don't know what it's like. People whose babies don't have reflux don't know what it's like.

We all struggle and if you're going to moan to people about your own struggle, you're going to get pat answers because that's what people do.

I understand it's hard, but it's hard for everyone. I gave birth alone, in a foreign country, with no family around me except a mother in law who criticises everything I do, had a baby with extreme reflux for the first six months, and an elderly dog that needs to be taken out four times a day. Sure it was hard, but that's life.

[Twinmammma]

@rosegoldivy don’t be scared! You can do it. Which area are you in? There are lots of fab twin groups to meet other mums of multiples.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

I had a singleton then twins

Eldest was a god send in keeping me sane!

But you cut corners, every corner! You can write of a whole day just sitting holding the babies and sod the housework and let’s face it visitors aren’t welcome at the minute anyway! When they sleep grab a drink, take a shower and focus on your needs and nothing else, take a break because you won’t get long til one wants something.
Get out and walk, ok it’s not productive but it means they’ll have a long nap and you get some head space - if you can avoid neighbors wanting to chat that’s a bonus!!

[NoSleepInTheHeat]

YANBU - another twin mum here.
What annoyed me the most were friends with two DC with a close gap telling me it was similar. No it is not. It really is not.

Have you tried to feed and burp two newborns at the same time?
Have you tried to put two babies to bed at the same time? You can't rock them both so sometimes one will cry and you have to ignore him while you tend to the other one - extremely hard as a new mum.

Two learning to walk at the same time, weaning, potty training... basically handling two teaching the same skill at the same time but only giving them half the support you could give to one.

Now they are 6yo and I would say I have it easier than my friends with singletons.

[pistachionuts]

Not the same but I can feel this way about having a child with ASD. Lockdown is so hard in a way that I don’t think a lot of parents with ‘normal developing’ kids can really understand, and the useless tips just don’t apply to my situation and make me feel like people just don’t get the reality of how hard it is.

[womaninatightspot]

So hard it took me years to get over the sleep deprivation. They're five now! Do join a multiples group if you've got one handy. Handy for the loaning of short lived things but when the little darlings don't want to share! Also for clothes.

[MustardMitt]

I agree, and would also add those that have older twins have probably forgotten (mum of 12 year old twins here )

I’ll never forget my mum asking me why at 6 weeks old they weren’t sleeping better, after all, as a baby I slept through the night almost immediately!

[PeggyHill]

Nobody really gets anybody else's situation.

I don't mean that to be flippant, I just think that people are trying their best to relate by applying their own experience.

Doesn't make it any less annoying for you when that mum of one is knowingly advising you on how to deal with hurricane that is twins

[PowerslidePanda]

I'm also someone who said, "How do people with twins cope?!" after having my first baby. And then found out first-hand a couple of years later!

@Africa2go Oh dear!

@SleepingStandingUp - Haha, yes - I'm waiting for the "entertaining each other" to kick in too. No sign of the special twin bond yet either, no secret language, etc - they're both more interested in their older sister than each other!

@rosegoldivy - Don't let us scare you - it's worth it! If somebody gave me the choice of having my DTs born as twins or born a couple of years apart, I'd still choose twins

[coralpig]

Thank you for the responses. I accept everyone has their own battles- I’m sorry for offending anyone I offended, I just wanted to rant. I guess I need to be more willing to take things on the chin. I’ve had a car crash of an end of pregnancy and postnatal period. I’m still recovering from sepsis and pnd. I wrote about my recent experiences on a blogpost that’s here for anyone who wants to read. We’ve also had cancer scares for dh and dh is a frontline worker in the NHS working very long hours and is in extreme pain.

thoughtsonapostcard2020.blogspot.com/2020/12/on-pandemic-pregnancy-and-postnatal.html

[drumst1ck]

I honestly take my hat off to any parent of multiples it must be so so difficult!! However you just need to let the comments go, people say all sorts whatever situation you're in.

Just to show another viewpoint as well, a family member has twins a few years older than my first and literally everything I ever talked about regarding my newborn I would get the inevitable 'yes, but imagine that with twins!'. I ended up never talking to her about anything parenting related because I got sick of feeling guilty at my easy one child life...

We can't understand but we can try and sympathise. I have heard very good things about TAMBA for support though if that's something you're interested in!

[drumst1ck]

Just seen your update, jeez you've been through the mill!! Hope things start easing up for you soon, everyone needs a good rant sometimes!

[NoSleepInTheHeat]

I just think that people are trying their best to relate by applying their own experience
True, but for some reason with twins a lot of people will try to tell you that their experience with just one baby was the same because x, y, z.
The unwanted tips are one thing, but trying to diminish what twin parents go through is not ok. A baby with reflux (to use an example from up-thread) is still only one baby, that you can focus on: the difficulty with twins is that you can't focus on one, which goes against our parental instinct. This is that hard part.