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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I am entitled to a support bubble?

237 replies

tuesdayschild17 · 19/01/2021 13:33

I am a mother to a 3yr old DD who is wonderful but can be a bit of a handful. My partner moved into the house I'm in at the beginning of lockdown as we didn't want to break the rules by travelling between two places. He is not DD's father and although he is lovely with her, does not contribute any sort of childcare which is understandable. I am in my third year of study and working part time. I cannot workout if I am entitled to a support bubble with my father and stepmother? I am not a 'single adult' with a child under 14, but I am a 'single parent' with a child under 14 if that makes sense? I do all the childcare for DD.

Just looking for thoughts on whether I would be entitled to visit the place where they live for a walk with my DD or whether that would be taking the p**s?

OP posts:
maddening · 20/01/2021 22:59

But I think that a childcare bubble allowed for this:

www.gov.uk/guidance/making-a-childcare-bubble-with-another-household

Candyfloss99 · 20/01/2021 23:32

[quote tuesdayschild17]@Candyfloss99 okay let me re-phrase, I don't feel we need to pretend to be a nuclear family when we are in fact a mother and daughter and two adults in a relationship.

From personal experience from my own childhood, more harm is done by a new adult leaping into the role of mum/dad and then vanishing suddenly if the relationship doesn't work out. I think setting slow and realistic expectations mitigates the risk of any impact on my daughter from the relationship.[/quote]
Well you definitely shouldn't have moved him in to live with you and your daughter then.

Wheresmykimchi · 20/01/2021 23:50

Eh?

So your boyfriend has moved in but you want to form another bubble as well as him becuase he doesn't help with your child.

So for your child there is a man living in her house who takes nothing to do with her?

Utterly bizarre.

Wheresmykimchi · 20/01/2021 23:53

@SpanishChard

I haven't read every post but I've got the just that OP is being advised no, but surely she can have a childcare bubble, so parents can support with childcare?
he will speak to her nicely and play with her occasionally

I get you in principle OP, but...raise the bar. Please.

CryingHelps · 21/01/2021 02:22

I totally understand @Wheresmykimchi. My DP moved in temporarily during the 1st lockdown but in no way did I want him to start parenting my DS or being responsible for him. They get on great and are comfortable with each other, that's enough for me. Sure, if I have to pop out I'd ask him to keep an ear out for DS or I might ask him to take him a snack etc.
MN is full of outrage on behalf of women who are expected to parent their OH's DC - they call them mugs etc.
I think the cross-over to full step-parent is something that should be done gradually and not something to rush through just because someone has formed a support bubble. You can have a support bubble and childcare bubble - the reason why is because the two are separate issues.

2020canfuckitself · 21/01/2021 02:32

This is what gets me. I can go to work, work with numerous colleagues and serve hundreds of customers per day. I can then go to the supermarket amongst god knows how many people yet I cannot visit my mum?

The woman is crying out for help, go get that help. This lockdown is an absolute joke. If the government were being serious then everything should be closed.

Wheresmykimchi · 21/01/2021 02:44

@CryingHelps

I totally understand *@Wheresmykimchi*. My DP moved in temporarily during the 1st lockdown but in no way did I want him to start parenting my DS or being responsible for him. They get on great and are comfortable with each other, that's enough for me. Sure, if I have to pop out I'd ask him to keep an ear out for DS or I might ask him to take him a snack etc. MN is full of outrage on behalf of women who are expected to parent their OH's DC - they call them mugs etc. I think the cross-over to full step-parent is something that should be done gradually and not something to rush through just because someone has formed a support bubble. You can have a support bubble and childcare bubble - the reason why is because the two are separate issues.
True...

And you've found a loophole for want of a better word because what PP are missing here is that due to being a non cohabiting couple q a single parent you'd have seen him anyway. So you are not increasing the number mixing. But you are going to come against it here because you can see your partner and still have childcare but people can't see their one parent. Not your fault, but it isn't fair.

But ...as much as you sound sensible , and I half get it, it does all sound I don't know odd. You're both young, so it makes sense , and I get you don't want to push it on him, but it's a ..unique set up.

CryingHelps · 21/01/2021 03:15

My post was for @tuesdayschild17 - sorry kimchi - it's very late! But I do understand what you're saying. It's not a loophole though - I'm a single parent so I can form a support bubble - whether he moves in or not. I'm also allowed to have a childcare bubble. If your support bubble has to work and you are ill/need a break/emergency what are people supposed to do otherwise? Lockdown has probably created a lot of faux permanent relationship but that's another issue.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 21/01/2021 03:31

I'm a single parent so I can form a support bubble - whether he moves in or not.

If he moves in then you can't have a support bubble. In fact if you are seeing him and not living together you can't have a support bubble. Or I have I misunderstood your comment?

Boredofitallnow · 21/01/2021 03:37

I think the gradual development of the relationship you describe PP between your DD and DP sounds very sensible. And realistic. Some harsh posts on here.

leopardspotsdotdotdot · 21/01/2021 03:39

@Shoxfordian

It’s your own fault for having a shit partner who doesn’t want to support you
What a joy you are.

OP are either of your parents living alone? You can be a support bubble to them if so.

Alternatively you can sort a regular childcare arrangement as a bubble.

People are also allowed to go to those in need in one off situations which includes emotional support.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 21/01/2021 03:40

@tuesdayschild17

I get why he moved in & why you feel grateful that he did - it was for YOU, not to become a family.

However, I do find it a bit strange that he's not more involved with DD, toddlers/small kids are pretty difficult to not fall in love with & want to look after.

Your childcare. Unable doesn't have to be family, it can be a friend. Is there no one more local sho would be happy to be your childcare bubble?

You could still go snd see your Dad and go fir a walk with him & DD. OR with your SM & DD. But not all together.

TwelvePaws · 21/01/2021 03:44

From personal experience from my own childhood, more harm is done by a new adult leaping into the role of mum/dad and then vanishing suddenly if the relationship doesn't work out. I think setting slow and realistic expectations mitigates the risk of any impact on my daughter from the relationship.

But you have already made this man a significant part of your child’s life because you let him move in with you.

TwelvePaws · 21/01/2021 03:46

I think the gradual development of the relationship you describe PP between your DD and DP sounds very sensible. And realistic. Some harsh posts on here.

But how gradual can it be when he has moved in?

CryingHelps · 21/01/2021 06:06

@Phyliss - I meant he can be my support bubble, not him and someone else,

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 21/01/2021 06:09

Apologies @cryinghelps. I mis-read your previous post. :)

CryingHelps · 21/01/2021 06:17

No problem @Phyliss. I can't sleep, been listening to a leak dripping in my loft and worrying!

bridgerton · 21/01/2021 06:18

Must be hard studying with a child and working at the same time. Do what you can to get all the support you need.

CupoTeap · 21/01/2021 06:18

[quote tuesdayschild17]@Candyfloss99 okay let me re-phrase, I don't feel we need to pretend to be a nuclear family when we are in fact a mother and daughter and two adults in a relationship.

From personal experience from my own childhood, more harm is done by a new adult leaping into the role of mum/dad and then vanishing suddenly if the relationship doesn't work out. I think setting slow and realistic expectations mitigates the risk of any impact on my daughter from the relationship.[/quote]
Which is fine but you moved him in. She sees you are a couple not just friends. I think you are kidding yourself. What happens after lockdown?

CryingHelps · 21/01/2021 06:25

@TwelvePaws - but it's what I meant by faux relationships - moving in together in lockdown is not quite the same as a natural progression iyswim. Or am I missing your point, sorry.

speakout · 21/01/2021 06:36

I think setting slow and realistic expectations mitigates the risk of any impact on my daughter from the relationship.

You think moving lover boy into your home achieves this?

CryingHelps · 21/01/2021 06:38

My DP moved in temporarily the 1st lockdown as there was a genuine sense of fear in the world and better to face it with someone by your side. This lockdown he hasn't as things are different. OP hasn't mentioned if this is going to be a permanent situation but in either case, gradual is the way to go. It's a private choice anyway and OP is happy with the status quo - just querying childcare support bubbles.

TwelvePaws · 21/01/2021 07:12

CryingHelps

If you move a man into your child’s home, that can’t be a gradual thing. The adults may have the idea that it’s gradual because the person is not parenting them, but to the child, there’s a new person in their home which is a massive change.

Original poster
tuesdayschild17 · 21/01/2021 08:32

Thanks everyone, some helpful responses there. And some slightly gut-wrenching ones but I'll take them all on board.

I definitely allowed him to move in for selfish reasons at the beginning of lockdown. I have no family or other support nearby at the moment. My choice was between living solo with DD for months and not seeing OH or to have him there. I personally find parenting for days on end without at least the break of adult conversation pretty stressful. I know it sounds like an excuse but I didn't want to get short-tempered with DD or overly frustrated because it was only us for weeks on end. I didn't really have much of a choice to go gradually in terms of the living situation due to the restrictions in place at that time.

I definitely feel keen that his bond with my DD grows over time. I am just trying to take it at her pace as well. She initially was a bit jealous over the attention so I would make sure she could sit in the middle of us when she wanted to and had lots of one on one time with me. This seems to have paid off as she willingly wants to engage him in conversation now and it definitely goes both ways. He's really pleased that she's warming up to him and beginning to trust him.

I have got the message about support bubbles loud and clear! I will not be forming one with my father. However, thanks to the PPs who suggested a childcare bubble. If my work load becomes crazy, I may use it the week before deadlines.

To the PP who said that I didn't think someone could be a parent aged 24, please see the irony. I bloody hope someone can, or I must be some sort of imposter Grin

OP posts:
speakout · 21/01/2021 08:46

, does not contribute any sort of childcare which is understandable.

Is it?

He is happy to be part of the family when it comes to home comforts, sex, company, but not willing to help out with chidcare.

Er OK.

OP this relationship will not last.