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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think I am entitled to a support bubble?

237 replies

tuesdayschild17 · 19/01/2021 13:33

I am a mother to a 3yr old DD who is wonderful but can be a bit of a handful. My partner moved into the house I'm in at the beginning of lockdown as we didn't want to break the rules by travelling between two places. He is not DD's father and although he is lovely with her, does not contribute any sort of childcare which is understandable. I am in my third year of study and working part time. I cannot workout if I am entitled to a support bubble with my father and stepmother? I am not a 'single adult' with a child under 14, but I am a 'single parent' with a child under 14 if that makes sense? I do all the childcare for DD.

Just looking for thoughts on whether I would be entitled to visit the place where they live for a walk with my DD or whether that would be taking the p**s?

OP posts:
Sinful8 · 20/01/2021 06:04

@AryaStarkWolf

He's not that great of a partner if he won't help you out with your daughter every now and then
How far into a relationship are most people before they trust new partner with thier 3 Yr old?

Just curious how long people are together before they expect the dp to do childcare

Sinful8 · 20/01/2021 06:05

@Purplethrow

I was trying to find a loophole

Rules are not made so people can try and get round them .

You could meet one other person for exercise as long as you keep your distance.

Yes they are, why do you think accountancy firms recruit from hmrc Grin
SleepingStandingUp · 20/01/2021 09:14

@JamieLeeCurtains

Please god is there another bloody word for 'bubble' we can use?

Unit
Measure
Cadre
Grouping
Brace
Nucleus
Spam
Turnstile
Anything

Cell with a semi permeable membrane?
SleepingStandingUp · 20/01/2021 09:19

@Sinful8
How far into a relationship are most people before they trust new partner with thier 3 Yr old?
Justt curious how long people are together before they expect the dp to do childcare

I'd want to trust them withy child before they moved in. I'd expect them to help out with the odd bit of childcare if we were going to be a family unit. I wouldn't move him in unless he saw is as a family.

That doesn't mean him having her whilst I go to Ibiza for the week but how untrustworthy must he be if you don't trust him to watch her for half an hour whilst you get the shopping in or to grab her from wrap around care and make her a snack? That isn't becoming a parent or taking over the bulk of childcare, it's what I'd be happy to do if o moved in with a mate with a child

Purplethrow · 20/01/2021 09:21

@Sinful8
Just curious how long people are together before they expect the dp to do childcare

If someone has moved a man into their house but doesn’t trust him to look after their child , then they shouldn’t really have had him move in.

Lol about HMRC Grin

AgainstTheCurrent · 20/01/2021 15:38

*You do not have a partner that you can rely on so should you get covid and be unlucky enough to have to go into hospital you already know that your partner will not help. In fact if you got covid and were really poorly in bed ill - you know your partner will not help

You've ascertained all of that from one sentence where OP says he's lovely with her child but is unable to provide any childcare for which she has not told us the reason? (And which she herself says is understandable, suggesting there may be a perfectly valid reason).

I know people like to make huge leaps on here from the bare minimum information but come on...*

@PardonMoiSir but that is all she provided and it was the OP that said any.

Also if he doesn't do ANY then how is he going to suddenly do all? My point was not to blame her partner who may or may not have valid reasons, my point was to people suggesting she use her parents as a childcare bubble and pop in for coffee and a chat, because she may weel need them if she gets ill.

tuesdayschild17 · 20/01/2021 16:27

Wow, I'm overwhelmed by all the responses. I had a busy day of work and didn't think to check MN until today. I really appreciate everyone who has offered clarification on the bubble situation. I was genuinely confused about it, and not asking for a 'loophole'. I am a 'single parent' as I do not get help from DD's father. However, I'm not a 'single adult', so now see that a support bubble wouldn't be applicable. I may form a childcare bubble with my father if it's needed as my workload increases for my dissertation and part-time job. However, I'll obviously try and avoid it, as DD is in nursery for some hours at the moment.

As for all the responses about my partner. I'm pretty shocked! I feel I must have explained the situation poorly, because I really feel quite lucky to have him. I had DD quite young, (pregnant at 19, gave birth at 20). I was always aware that if I found a partner my age at any point after that, it was unlikely they would be ready to leap into the step-father role immediately. I met my partner just after my DD's 2nd birthday and took things very slowly. They did meet and I tried to do fun things as a three. My OH always made an effort with her but never put pressure on it. We were both understanding that she'd never had to share me and I was desperate to ensure she never felt usurped. As a result, after a year together, she seemed to really enjoy spending time as the three of us.

At the beginning of lockdown, my choice was between enduring the majority of 2020 living completely solo with no family in close proximity. (My father and stepmother live an hour or so away, and my mother is currently in another country). Or my OH could move in with us for at least the duration of lockdown. I decided that I would really struggle to be on my own every day endlessly, so asked him if he could move in. He was living with family so there was no pressure from his side, as he was not alone. He chose to live with me so I wouldn't be alone.

His relationship with DD has thrived, in that they like each other and he will speak to her nicely and play with her occasionally. We have obviously been for 10 million of the same walks as a three too! He works full-time, from home at the moment. I don't understand why there would be an expectation to share the childcare with him? It is ultimately not his responsibility. It is incredibly important that he makes an effort with DD and is always kind/caring towards her but he is not her father and I don't expect him to pretend to be. He helps with all the household chores, does the washing and contributes financially to the food shop etc. However, I think expecting him to step into a stepfather role with equal responsibility at 24, would be absurd. I will always feel DD is ultimately my responsibility and equally would be unhappy if he felt he had any control over how I raised her. We can co-exist happily as a three without playing pretend happy families. Maybe as she gets older and the relationship develops, he will become a father figure to her. However, I don't feel he should HAVE to immediately do that, just because he is in a relationship with me. I am a mother first and foremost BUT after that I am also a multi-faceted person with other interests and passions that make me unique.

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 20/01/2021 16:41

Why would you have to play pretend happy families? Why are you not a happy family?

tuesdayschild17 · 20/01/2021 16:53

@Candyfloss99 okay let me re-phrase, I don't feel we need to pretend to be a nuclear family when we are in fact a mother and daughter and two adults in a relationship.

From personal experience from my own childhood, more harm is done by a new adult leaping into the role of mum/dad and then vanishing suddenly if the relationship doesn't work out. I think setting slow and realistic expectations mitigates the risk of any impact on my daughter from the relationship.

OP posts:
Edgeoftheledge · 20/01/2021 16:56

Why is he living with you, if he doesn't want a relationship with your child? Of course you should not be entitled to form a support bubble! Cake and eat it mych?

SpanishChard · 20/01/2021 16:58

I haven't read every post but I've got the just that OP is being advised no, but surely she can have a childcare bubble, so parents can support with childcare?

SendHelp30 · 20/01/2021 17:03

How bizarre. If he didn’t want to be a father figure or step father then he shouldn’t of gotten into a relationship with a woman with a child.
As for “he speaks to her nicely and occasionally plays with her” is this really your expectations? Your DD deserves much better from an adult she’s living with

beantrader · 20/01/2021 17:07

He's moved in with you, so yes I would expect to act as a family unit. If you don't want to be a family unit then you live separately.

Bizawit · 20/01/2021 17:09

You are entitled to a childcare bubble.

OwMyNeck · 20/01/2021 17:45

Only for childcare purposes.

Edgeoftheledge · 20/01/2021 17:49

I stand corrected, I think you can have a childcare bubble only

mooncats · 20/01/2021 18:13

His relationship with DD has thrived, in that they like each other and he will speak to her nicely and play with her occasionally

Op, I mean this kindly but you really need to raise the bar for what you expect for your dd. Young children need round the clock care and are hard, hard work. You move in with someone who has a young child , you chip in and do part of that back breaking work .

snowliving · 20/01/2021 18:44

OP I agree that people with dc shouldn't rush into playing happy families with new partners.
But,
"he will speak to her nicely and play with her occasionally."
Is a ridiculously low bar for someone you have chosen to move into your house.

It is perfectly reasonable to have a relationship which doesn't involve co-parenting but again with a small dc why move them into your house.
You and your dd are worth more than that.

00100001 · 20/01/2021 19:16

"However, I think expecting him to step into a stepfather role with equal responsibility at 24, would be absurd"

Plenty of parents are 24 with full responsibility

What she is an acceptable age to become a full step father? Confused

If you're at the point of moving the bloke in, he needs to be at the step father point

And if he isn't.

Get him the fuck out.

babyno2pending · 20/01/2021 19:17

You don't have to be a single parent to have a childcare bubble

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/01/2021 19:30

@tuesdayschild17

Wow, I'm overwhelmed by all the responses. I had a busy day of work and didn't think to check MN until today. I really appreciate everyone who has offered clarification on the bubble situation. I was genuinely confused about it, and not asking for a 'loophole'. I am a 'single parent' as I do not get help from DD's father. However, I'm not a 'single adult', so now see that a support bubble wouldn't be applicable. I may form a childcare bubble with my father if it's needed as my workload increases for my dissertation and part-time job. However, I'll obviously try and avoid it, as DD is in nursery for some hours at the moment.

As for all the responses about my partner. I'm pretty shocked! I feel I must have explained the situation poorly, because I really feel quite lucky to have him. I had DD quite young, (pregnant at 19, gave birth at 20). I was always aware that if I found a partner my age at any point after that, it was unlikely they would be ready to leap into the step-father role immediately. I met my partner just after my DD's 2nd birthday and took things very slowly. They did meet and I tried to do fun things as a three. My OH always made an effort with her but never put pressure on it. We were both understanding that she'd never had to share me and I was desperate to ensure she never felt usurped. As a result, after a year together, she seemed to really enjoy spending time as the three of us.

At the beginning of lockdown, my choice was between enduring the majority of 2020 living completely solo with no family in close proximity. (My father and stepmother live an hour or so away, and my mother is currently in another country). Or my OH could move in with us for at least the duration of lockdown. I decided that I would really struggle to be on my own every day endlessly, so asked him if he could move in. He was living with family so there was no pressure from his side, as he was not alone. He chose to live with me so I wouldn't be alone.

His relationship with DD has thrived, in that they like each other and he will speak to her nicely and play with her occasionally. We have obviously been for 10 million of the same walks as a three too! He works full-time, from home at the moment. I don't understand why there would be an expectation to share the childcare with him? It is ultimately not his responsibility. It is incredibly important that he makes an effort with DD and is always kind/caring towards her but he is not her father and I don't expect him to pretend to be. He helps with all the household chores, does the washing and contributes financially to the food shop etc. However, I think expecting him to step into a stepfather role with equal responsibility at 24, would be absurd. I will always feel DD is ultimately my responsibility and equally would be unhappy if he felt he had any control over how I raised her. We can co-exist happily as a three without playing pretend happy families. Maybe as she gets older and the relationship develops, he will become a father figure to her. However, I don't feel he should HAVE to immediately do that, just because he is in a relationship with me. I am a mother first and foremost BUT after that I am also a multi-faceted person with other interests and passions that make me unique.

You shouldn't have moved him in just because you "don't want to be alone". You don't want to rush him into being a stepfather but you move him in?
SleepingStandingUp · 20/01/2021 20:08

I think presumably having a young father to your baby and him being shit has set you a really low bar

I was always aware that if I found a partner my age at any point after that, it was unlikely they would be ready to leap into the step-father role immediately whilst no one expects anyone to act like a step Dad after 3 months, anyone of any age shouldn't be getting into a relationship with someone with a child unless they're ready for that.

My OH always made an effort with her ... he will speak to her nicely and play with her occasionally. ... This is a child he'd lived with for nearly a year, he has the same relationship as if assume he has with mattress who happen to have kids he sees a few times a year

would be an expectation to share the childcare with him? It is ultimately not his responsibility no but if I'd liked with a mate and she needed occasional child care, I'd help because you know, she's in need, I care about her. He's supposed to love you but he can't help out??

he is not her father and I don't expect him to pretend to be no one is saying he should be, but what happens of you end up pregnant next week? He moves in, he's acts like Dad to new baby but older child he talks to politely and plays with occasionally?

You need to expect more. You and your daughter deserve more.

MissMarpleDarling · 20/01/2021 22:45

If thats the case I'm off to see my mum OP of course YABU

MissMarpleDarling · 20/01/2021 22:46

My partner who I bubbled with doesn't help with mine I thought the point was they are your support bubble. If they don't support you get rid and get a new bubble.

maddening · 20/01/2021 22:58

You need to choose the partner or the parents.

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