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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I am entitled to a support bubble?

237 replies

tuesdayschild17 · 19/01/2021 13:33

I am a mother to a 3yr old DD who is wonderful but can be a bit of a handful. My partner moved into the house I'm in at the beginning of lockdown as we didn't want to break the rules by travelling between two places. He is not DD's father and although he is lovely with her, does not contribute any sort of childcare which is understandable. I am in my third year of study and working part time. I cannot workout if I am entitled to a support bubble with my father and stepmother? I am not a 'single adult' with a child under 14, but I am a 'single parent' with a child under 14 if that makes sense? I do all the childcare for DD.

Just looking for thoughts on whether I would be entitled to visit the place where they live for a walk with my DD or whether that would be taking the p**s?

OP posts:
AgainstTheCurrent · 19/01/2021 16:49

If you’re dropping your kid off for childcare then you’re all exposed anyway so who is anyone to say you can’t have a cup of tea or go for a walk before or after drop off & pick up? Yea it’s “against the rules” but just use your common sense

Please don't do this.

If you forma childcare bubble with your parents then that is great and may give you the help and support you need. If you stay outside at drop off and pick ups then you are reducing the chance of them catching covid.

You do not have a partner that you can rely on so should you get covid and be unlucky enough to have to go into hospital you already know that your partner will not help. In fact if you got covid and were really poorly in bed ill - you know your partner will not help.

If you have also given the gift of covid to your parents then who looks after your lo then?

Where is the lo's dad?

PardonMoiSir · 19/01/2021 16:50

@THisbackwithavengeance

It it boils down to you having no childcare so you then lose your job, income and cannot study, then I would break the Rules without any question and form a support bubble with your parents. It's a no brainer.

Your DP being useless or not useless is another issue. But on the Stepparent threads here, women are bristling at any perceived obligation to provide childcare to DCs who are not their own so why should your DP be any different?

She wouldn't be bending the rules, she can have a childcare bubble.

And you've absolutely no idea why the DP isn't providing childcare ffs.

PardonMoiSir · 19/01/2021 16:53

You do not have a partner that you can rely on so should you get covid and be unlucky enough to have to go into hospital you already know that your partner will not help. In fact if you got covid and were really poorly in bed ill - you know your partner will not help

You've ascertained all of that from one sentence where OP says he's lovely with her child but is unable to provide any childcare for which she has not told us the reason? (And which she herself says is understandable, suggesting there may be a perfectly valid reason).

I know people like to make huge leaps on here from the bare minimum information but come on...

wildraisins · 19/01/2021 16:58

Obviously you can't bubble up with another household because there are two adults in your house already.

It's pretty clear.

Childcare means you can drop your child off there but you don't have prolonged contact yourself.

wildraisins · 19/01/2021 17:00

If you’re dropping your kid off for childcare then you’re all exposed anyway so who is anyone to say you can’t have a cup of tea or go for a walk before or after drop off & pick up? Yea it’s “against the rules” but just use your common sense

This is bad advice and it's not "common sense" at all.

Yes it's true that everyone has contact with the child, but you would increase your risk substantially by actually going in for a cup of tea or spending time in the house yourself.

yearinyearout · 19/01/2021 17:02

Chuck him out and then you can have a support bubble.

VintageStitchers · 19/01/2021 17:06

If you look at the definition of single parent for benefit purposes, you don’t fit that box as you’re living with another adult who is your partner, not a lodger, according to what you’ve written. Therefore, I don’t think you can bubble with your parents unless your partner leaves.

However, if he’s your live in partner, why is he not helping to bring up your daughter as a family? Or is he just your shag buddy?

PardonMoiSir · 19/01/2021 17:09

OP, if you could clarify the reasons why your partner can't/won't provide childcare that would help people make reasonable suggestions. As right now all everyone seems to be doing is vilifying your DP when they have absolutely no facts as to why he's not helping with childcare.

If he's sat at home playing Xbox watching you struggle to look after your DD and study that's one thing. If he's going out to work full time (or even WFH), that is quite another. It's absolutely unfair for anyone to pass any sort of judgement until they know which it is.

beantrader · 19/01/2021 17:11

I though you could have a childcare bubble?

Though lol at your 'partner' moving in and not providing any support. Not really partner behaviour.

MrsWindass · 19/01/2021 17:13

I really have heard it all now ...

Dundundunnn · 19/01/2021 17:15

He does no childcare? No meals, looking after DD, bedtimes etc?!?

hammeringinmyhead · 19/01/2021 17:15

I don't think it is unfair! The OP posted:

"He is not DD's father and although he is lovely with her, does not contribute any sort of childcare which is understandable."

Does nobody else read "He is not DD's father THEREFORE, although he is lovely with her, he does not contribute any sort of childcare (ANY sort - watching her while OP goes shopping, has a bath, studies in the evenings) which is understandable.

GratedCheddarChips · 19/01/2021 17:18

@hammeringinmyhead

I don't think it is unfair! The OP posted:

"He is not DD's father and although he is lovely with her, does not contribute any sort of childcare which is understandable."

Does nobody else read "He is not DD's father THEREFORE, although he is lovely with her, he does not contribute any sort of childcare (ANY sort - watching her while OP goes shopping, has a bath, studies in the evenings) which is understandable.

No, I read what the OP put, I didn't make up my own meaning.

Childcare is the care of a child in lieu of a parent imo. Which usually means when they are working or away elsewhere. I wouldn't class making meals or doing household chores as childcare. So unless OP comes back and says he does absolutely nothing in the house whatsoever and just sits on his arse all day, I'll guess she means childcare in the typical sense i.e. looking after DD whilst she is out working or studying.

hammeringinmyhead · 19/01/2021 17:20

So why did she say "any sort" if childcare has one definition?

GratedCheddarChips · 19/01/2021 17:21

@hammeringinmyhead

So why did she say "any sort" if childcare has one definition?
I don't know, I'll wait for the OP to clarify what she meant before jumping to wild conclusions of her partner being a big twat who does absolutely nothing at all ever and wouldn't care if she was sick in hospital with Covid like people here have.
hammeringinmyhead · 19/01/2021 17:22

Posted too soon - of course it isn't making meals but if he has moved in and is not even helping to watch her DD for short periods, emphasised by "any sort" i.e. not just when the OP is working, what's the point of him at all?

GratedCheddarChips · 19/01/2021 17:23

The OP has said it's understandable. Until she actually tells us what she means when she says childcare then you or I have no idea whether it actually is understandable or not.

Maybe he's a doctor working ridiculously long shifts in ICU? Maybe he's a dick who sits playing call of duty in his boxers all day. We have no idea.

yvanka · 19/01/2021 17:23

This depresses me because you know that if a woman moved in with a single dad she'd be looking after his kid while he at least got a bit of uni work done.

You need to spell it out to him that you need help, and if he doesn't want to step up then unfortunately he'll have to go home so you can form a bubble with your dad.

ThatDamnKrampus · 19/01/2021 17:24

You can have a childcare bubble. Basically they can provide childcare for you.

GratedCheddarChips · 19/01/2021 17:24

@hammeringinmyhead

Posted too soon - of course it isn't making meals but if he has moved in and is not even helping to watch her DD for short periods, emphasised by "any sort" i.e. not just when the OP is working, what's the point of him at all?
Because. You. Don't. Know. Why. Maybe he can't just watch her for short periods. Maybe he's out of the house at work like millions of other people!

I'm not saying he isn't some huge arse like everyone else is. I'm saying I can't say that yet until OP gives us the actual full picture.

emilyfrost · 19/01/2021 17:24

YABU; you are not in a single adult household and so cannot create a support bubble.

You should also find yourself a better partner as it is not acceptable or understandable that he doesn’t contribute to childcare.

ThatDamnKrampus · 19/01/2021 17:27

@emilyfrost

YABU; you are not in a single adult household and so cannot create a support bubble.

You should also find yourself a better partner as it is not acceptable or understandable that he doesn’t contribute to childcare.

Yes she can. She cam have a childcare bubble- not socialising but actual childcare in loco parentis. So long as she isn't there then the bubble can look after the child.
blueluce85 · 19/01/2021 17:32

That wasn't what she was asking though @thatdamnkrampus she asked about a support bubble. A childcare bubble is an entirely different thing

SunshineCake · 19/01/2021 17:35

So he's in it for sex but not to be a father ? Fab.