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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless "auntie" in pandemic

466 replies

katrinbaker · 19/01/2021 11:30

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

OP posts:
ZippedyDooDa · 19/01/2021 14:42

Is this a joke?? You think as a single person you've been disproportionately affected?? Parents are struggling with work, childcare, homeschooling etc and yet you think you are affected worse?? Some of us are working in the middle of the night after a full day of childcare/homeschooling/chores, running on little sleep, constant stress, zero time to relax. Our rare drinks out and holidays are also cancelled, if you hadnt noticed. Jesus wept, this has to be the most self-absorbed opening post I've ever seen.

littleloopylou · 19/01/2021 14:43

@Cadent

She says she misses aspects of the single life. She doesn't say she wants kids, so I don't see what's insensitive about people sharing information about their kids.

Does she think that just because people have kids and are spending a lot of time with their kids that this is great? If she is considered an 'auntie,' why wouldn't she want to know what's going on with the kids?

I personally wanted to die every day of the first lockdown when I had my nursery-aged daughter full time every day while trying to work. I would have been utterly thrilled to have lots of alone time. The only good thing about it, and the only positive thing I would have had to say to anyone, would have been trying to find some joy in my daughter when I fucking hated everything about my life.

bumblenbean · 19/01/2021 14:50

I think everyone needs to accept that this is shit for pretty much everyone. It’s definitely a case of the grass seems greener. It’s not a competition - it’s hard in different ways for different people. Those who desperately want children may well feel they would find things easier with kids- but they can’t know how they would actually find it. Similarly, I can long for some space but I can’t possibly understand the reality of how it is to deal with this situation living alone and being isolated and lonely.

I’m struggling big time with two demanding toddlers, WFH, anxiety and OCD. There is no time to myself, no space, I worry about the kids’ development. However I can simultaneously see that it’s also incredibly hard for single people, those in abusive relationships, those who are desperate for children but find their lives on hold ...

As others have said, I would kill for some time alone and I don’t think anyone could say it’s ‘easy’ to deal with young kids during lockdown. But that doesn’t invalidate OP’s struggles and I wouldn’t dream of suggesting to my single or childless friends that they have it easier. I know they have their own struggles. We’re all just trying to get through this shit show as best we can.

Lotusmonster · 19/01/2021 14:53

I think a great many parents of little ones will be literally watching that wall clock hour by hour before they leap and suggest pyjamas and an earlier night. It’s utterly draining keeping young DC fed and entertained all day every day. Please don’t be jealous.

georgarina · 19/01/2021 14:53

Understandable but YABU

I do completely get that it is hard - I have been there myself - but do they know that it's hard for you? Sounds like they are trying to keep in touch. If you are an 'auntie' are you close with their kids normally? If so they are probably trying even more to keep you updated!

You could try gently explaining that it's not making you feel great if you really find it hard. It does sound like they are just trying to keep you all involved in each other's lives.

Or you could update on things you've been up to/start conversations about other things.

Labobo · 19/01/2021 14:53

I feel for you. It is a bit insensitive but as others have said it won;t be anything like reality. there will be whining and tantrums and sleepless nights and people crying with stress at trying to homeschool while holding down WFH jobs that pay the bills.

As others have said, if you wanted you could post cosy photos of you with a glass of wine and a novel, curled up by the fire, relaxing until spring. Or post about the online courses you've managed to do, the zoom fitness weight you have list etc and they will be so envious because they can barely hold it all together. It's an image, not real life. And for those stuck at home with young children I think the loneliness can get unbearable in a different way from total isolation because you are forced to have inane repetitive conversations all day long.

trulydelicious · 19/01/2021 14:56

@katrinbaker

I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times

Just stop cooing then. The 'doting' 'auntie' stereotype is irritating. Just be yourself

OhCaptain · 19/01/2021 14:57

@VinylDetective don't tell me to calm down. I'm perfectly calm.

No, you didn't mention people living in DV situations because you unilaterally decided that single people alone have it worse. And I pointed out that that's not always the case, as in the case of someone living with DV and being stuck with their abuser.

I can see that instead of it making you rethink your sweeping generalisation, you've instead decided to dismiss those people and doubled down on your ill-thought out post.

Longtalljosie · 19/01/2021 14:58

You’ve got the wrong audience here, @katrinbaker - I think people need to have lived single to get it. My SIL is a childless auntie to my kids and when I WhatsApp her I ask her about her work, how she is, discuss the news. Yes I send kid pics too but I also want to know how she is. Because she matters to me - she’s not just in my life to coo at my kids, beyond gorgeous as they are

VintageStitchers · 19/01/2021 15:01

@pepsicolagirl

That’s bloody brilliant. Thank you for sharing.

Yes, I go food shopping to get some quiet time (inc. walk around empty town to go to butchers and post office) but I usually go straight home after doing the supermarket shop (frozen stuff etc.)

However, tomorrow is the weekly shop day so I’ll get a takeaway coffee and sit in my car and read my book for half an hour. I don’t mind the food shopping as it’s usually pretty empty at 9am in Aldi.

Longtalljosie · 19/01/2021 15:01

@ZippedyDooDa

Is this a joke?? You think as a single person you've been disproportionately affected?? Parents are struggling with work, childcare, homeschooling etc and yet you think you are affected worse?? Some of us are working in the middle of the night after a full day of childcare/homeschooling/chores, running on little sleep, constant stress, zero time to relax. Our rare drinks out and holidays are also cancelled, if you hadnt noticed. Jesus wept, this has to be the most self-absorbed opening post I've ever seen.
I’ve worked and home schooled and it’s beyond hideous but my blood runs cold at the thought I might have had to do the pandemic during the four years I lived alone.
Aab1234 · 19/01/2021 15:02

Err...no

Ariela · 19/01/2021 15:02

SO outshine them with your industrious mask making for charity, photograph your donations in the foodbank bin at the supermarket, your photographs of the views on your solo walk, and let them like YOUR posts.

(or just turn off social media and read a good book)

TheTeenageYears · 19/01/2021 15:02

I honestly don't know a single person who hasn't been impacted in one way, shape or form. Everyone's situation is different and only those involved fully understand how things really are so it's really not worth the comparison.

LizFlowers · 19/01/2021 15:04

Jennifer2r Tue 19-Jan-21 14:06:42
Ten points for the next person who says 'pour a glass of wine and put the telly on', like that's a fantastic cure for loneliness or a great thing to do 7 nights a week or a suitable replacement for company.
......
You can be surrounded by people and be lonely. At least you can please yourself if you're on your own. Company can be a pain.

OhCaptain · 19/01/2021 15:07

@Jennifer2r seriously what do you want people to do or say?

If the responses to OP that are meant in kindness bother you that much, you can stop reading the thread. But sniping at people about every little suggestion is out of order.

You’re determined to shout down anyone who suggests anything but you’re not obliged to read them.

Posters here aren’t responsible for or to blame for your isolation.

Honestly, wtf is with this thread? Why do people feel the need to point out how much worse they have it? Is there some sort of prize I don’t know about?

Because it’s shit for everyone. In different ways, yes. But still shit!

LizFlowers · 19/01/2021 15:08

SparklySnake: This is an awful time to be single/living alone.
.......
No it isn't, not for all. I love it, cherish every moment.

IMissFrance · 19/01/2021 15:09

I don't get it. Do you like these people?

I have two best friends who I grew up with that my DC call auntie, both are younger than me. Neither have children yet.

Because we're so close but all living apart we WhatsApp every day and FaceTime now and again.

They love my DC as if they were their aunties (hence why they are referred to as aunty) and care and ask about them. I don't post on Facebook so if there's something cute I want to share I send it to them. And they're always happy to receive them. Same as I feel if I get updates from them about things that don't apply to me - drunken fancy dress zoom parties, virtual hen dos etc etc.

Not all my updates are about DC, we also send each other messages about normal stuff, how lockdown is, pet stories/photos, one is a teacher so she fills me in with what's happening with her school etc.

BigBadVoodooHat · 19/01/2021 15:11

How strange, to go to the trouble of joining a parenting forum specifically to make a solitary post complaining about this one issue, never to return ... Confused

MzHz · 19/01/2021 15:11

I have a kid and I’d find it beyond dull to have pics and updates about other people’s kids.

BORING! I couldn’t give a shit about any of that. It’s not cute or adorable, it’s irritating and dull. I don’t blame you at all.

We’ve all had the fun sucked out of our lives and no 2 people are managing it in the same way - everything is relative.

I’m not having to do the whole home school hell, my teen just gets on with it. I know though that the kids and h at home all the time is breaking relationships left right and centre.

If I were you I’d mute the conversation

MyFuzzyBoy · 19/01/2021 15:12

I have you g children in lockdown. Speaking for myself I can say that it is absolute hell. Maybe they are trying to put in a brave face and have a bit of escapism. A lot of people who are posting happy smiley faces of their family life online are probably privately having a bit of a rough time. Be kind.

MzHz · 19/01/2021 15:14

God how I hate the Be Kind thing.

I’m already kind and never once needed to be told to be so, nor have I ever stoved anyone’s head in.

Floralnomad · 19/01/2021 15:17

YABU , and if you are a single adult why haven’t you formed a bubble with one of these families

waydownwego · 19/01/2021 15:20

@katrinbaker

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

What would your friends and family talk about with you in normal times? Would they send you this many photos of their kids for you to coo at?

Also, do you actually want to have kids, and do they know that if so? If you're desperate to start a family but don't have a partner, I'd agree it's pretty insensitive sending you photos of their children in a pandemic.

If it's more the case that you feel lonely by yourself and think they must be having a whale of a time in a household full of people, you're totally only seeing the rosy side. I'd rather have too much space to myself than no space and homeschooling.

Ideasplease322 · 19/01/2021 15:21

Goodness this got nasty. It is shit for everyone.

My personal experience is that at the start loneliness and people living alone was overlooked. Huge focus on kids - and pressure on working parents. Which I understand has been really really hard.

I felt selfish even thinking I was having a tough time and spent hours listening to work colleagues, and working longer hours myself to help out.

When support bubbles were finally introduced I hadnt realised how much my mental health had suffered. I will be hit at - this has been a very difficult time for me.

But absolutely accept others are having a shit time for a variety of reasons. Horn schooling and working is hard work. Caring for ill relatives is hard work. It’s not a competition