Childless "auntie" in pandemic

[katrinbaker]

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

These comments are something else.....

YANBU, at all!

@Jennifer2r

Ten points for the next person who says 'pour a glass of wine and put the telly on', like that's a fantastic cure for loneliness or a great thing to do 7 nights a week or a suitable replacement for company.

All the families I know have childcare bubbles and wouldn't bubble with me. Im lucky I have a single friend who I can spend time with but not everyone does.

That’s what I thought too. So bloody insensitive.

My teenager's teacher said to the class that if anything good happens, or they just happen to be having a good day, maybe share that positivity with someone else. You might be really helping someone who needs a lift. I think that's all your friends are doing.

If you really can't bear it, mute them for a month or so on social media and phone or zoom call them instead. They'll probably appreciate it.

I know the OP isn’t comparing herself to children - I just think I tend to feel better if I worry about what’s going well rather than what’s going badly. I do sympathise, I just think this is a bit of being over sensitive due to not having much social contact probably. I know I’m blowing things out of proportion too

@pepsicolagirl

"I like your smart thinking to ensure you get a actual break me time for endless family Committments "

"Great idea"

"I have a feeling other stressed out mums and dads will take on your sanity saving Tip on how to survive Claustropic Lockdowns" 😊L.o.l

Tell them, then. If I was sending photos and updates to a friend or relative and they were finding it insensitive and unkind I would want to be told. The motivation for sending them would be that I love you and miss you and don't want to ignore you and cut you off; if all they were doing was making you feel worse I would want to know so I could say sorry for adding to your sadness and make more appropriate contact afterwards.

It is really tough. This is an awful time to be single/living alone.

I think you have to remember now, and in life generally, while people shouldn't brag or throw it all in your face, people can talk about their lives and what is going on for them and that isn't them purposely insulting you. You need to manage your feelings about being single, where you are in life, living alone etc. There are many positives and different isn't necessarily better or worse. Your life is simply in a different place right now. Try your best to find the positives. Can you share photos of cakes you've baked, cocktails you've made, chat about the TV series you are watching? It probably feels like it is all about them because you aren't saying much about you or offering much up.

I say this not meaning it in a harsh way in any sense as I can relate. I just realised that constantly feeling jealous or sad I didn't have what others have wasn't going to help me in life. It is a natural emotion but there is an extent to which you can control it.

Op I can assure you as a parent of 3 I may post cutesy pictures but in reality I’m f@cling ripping my hair out , considering selling the brats and checking is it considered to early to open the bottle of wine? I’m jealous of people with out little horrors

I understand and you are not being unreasonable.

My sister cannot have children and privately I know how much this has affected her life, relationships, mental health, everything. It’s had a massive impact. She too is single and isolated

We have 3 children and she is fantastic with them but we don’t force them on her. Without sounding insensitive - as I know she would give anything to have a child of her own, I’ve told her so many times how hard work they are. Sounds harsh but my experience is that children do make your life so much harder. Like a PP said it’s not all roses and sunshine.

I hate those parenthood challenge things on Facebook (post your proudest moment) find it incredibly insensitive to ladies that for whatever reason haven’t had children (if they wanted them of course). There is awareness for everything these days but infertility seems to have slipped the net.

Is there anyone close that you can confide in? They might offer a listening ear.

If your friends and family know your situation can you let them know it’s getting you down? I’d hope they would offer you support.

This won’t be forever, fingers crossed we will start to see some positive steps back to normality this year.

There isn’t much for anyone to talk about so I guess conversation is bound to centre a bit around family life etc if they are at home with family. Do they also ask how you are etc?

Being single must be really hard but I think you’re disillusioned to think life is easier as a parent in a pandemic and that parents are being effected any less than you are. Parents are also missing all the same things that you are. In the same way as you miss company many of us, especially parents are young children are craving time to themselves, what I wouldn’t do for an hour in the house on my own! Being a parent in a pandemic is far from a bed of roses. My toddler son has missed starting at preschool and hasn’t played with a friend since last March, my daughter is struggling without school and seeing her friends, I’ve been unable to look for a new job role as planned after a career break as I need to be able to care for my son and home school my daughter. My days consist of zero time to myself and constant demands for attention, help etc without all the usual trips out, playgroups, play dates, meeting with friends and socialising that make our days fun and gave me a little break. My children are climbing the walls and their behaviour is suffering as is my patience. Juggling home schooling and a toddler is hell as is the worry about the long term impact of all of this on my children. I think at this point in the pandemic all groups are really suffering. You strike me as being quite self absorbed to not realise how difficult this is not just for single people but for everyone. The challenges and effects are very different depending on your personal circumstances but believe me being a parent of small children in a pandemic is also extremely hard. I hope you don’t give the impression to your friends and family that you think you have it so much harder than them. Life is hard for most people right now. I love my children but being a parent certainly doesn’t make this situation any easier.

How does the OP know she is "not expected to contribute"?
Friend has small children that will be the sum total of her day. Why can't someone without children post a picture of their dinner, or describe the book they are reading? If you try for a two-way chat and get ignored, that's a different matter. Lots of people post pictures of their pets. Of course not everyone wants to see your kids or your cats or your baking, but we need to make do with whatever we can talk about at the moment.

Oh it’s hard, OP. I get it. I would have hated to go through this pandemic when I was single and already consumed with longing for a family of my own. And I say that now as a mum with a suicidal dc and no meaningful support.

I think there’s a strong imperative to put on a brave face and I believe that the instinct to try and be cheery instead of moaning plays out on SM. It’s not so much that people are posting fake stuff, as they are posting the nice part of their day and sparing everyone the tedium. I see those pictures of dc being daft as a bit of comic relief in the grinding misery.

I’ve found it very hard to walk the tightrope between being insensitive to childless friends and excluding them.

And it’s been hurtful to discover friends have organised nights out or meals without me to spare me the hassle of trying to juggle the needs of toddlers and babies. I love seeing their holiday pictures but sometimes they’ve come when I’ve been particularly low.

And I’ve also struggled to come to terms with not being able to have more dc, and pictures of other people’s babies are bittersweet.

I think we have to cut each other a lot of slack and assume that people are mostly well meaning. It might help to think of the photos as a gesture of inclusion and love? Focus on the active sentiment behind them (that they’re thinking of you) rather than the insensitive bit. That’s what I do, anyway.

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time of it. We’re in the home stretch now, I think. The days are getting longer; the vaccine is being administered. Life will get better for all of us soon if we can just get through these last few awful months.

I wouldn’t mind hearing about their kids but if I was you I would also offer my own ‘update’, how work is going (if you work), daily life, that you feel a bit rubbish and are missing doing stuff and seeing people. You can still chat about fun things you’ve done before covid and what you plan to do after. They should be able to talk about past/future events, nights out, holidays, stuff on tv, hobbies etc. Don’t let it all be about them.
If they’re just either bored, being nice or trying to include you then they’ll join in chat about other stuff that includes you more. If they’re really just selfish and it’s still all about them, then stop ‘cooing’ at all the right times.

I’m not sure it’s impacted single people more, it’s just impacted them differently. Everyone has their own struggles but good friends and family will want to share yours.

I don't understand why you think you're not expected to contribute. Surely that's a choice?
They can hardly comment or engage with what you're doing if you're not sharing information back.

I'm not even going to comment on the rose-tinted-glasses view that a photo of a DC baking somehow translates to a wonderful, stress-free life. It makes it sound as though you were fine when you thought they envied your single life but you're not interested now you think their life may have some benefits you're missing. Friends shouldn't be competitive with each other either over misery or delight.

@Joinedjustforthispost I’m with you

@AnneButNotHathaway

Oh, I wouldn't be jealous here, OP. A cute picture is just a cute picture, but there is a whole world of stress and worry behind it

Actually you're so right!

SIL of my DSIL's (DB's DW) has 2 DC, 3.5 years and 5 months. She's one of those DM's who's liked to share every moment of her DC's lives with a Whatsapp family group - all well and good - we also share our lives with her.

The other day she posted a picture of a sheet 'den' which her DD had exited and her DH was looking after the baby and she'd poured herself a glass of wine early (don't worry she's bottle-feeding now!) and said how much she needed that, or a cocktail. She also decamped (a sort of planned move) from London to SW England when she went on maternity leave but has since spilled that they're moving back to London when lockdown etc has ended (they were thinking of moving to SW England). I think she thinks she has to paint a smile on her face and post cute pictures when sometimes she's fed up of the millionth time she's had to get her DD to do her letters etc!

I haven't read all the OPs posts but I guess it would be insensitive if you can't have kids/really want them... Sorry if I've misunderstood what exactly it is about their messages/pics hurt or annoy!

Otherwise, I think YAB (a tiny bit) U - as others have said being at home with kids is hell right now, according to my friends with little ones! The grass isn't greener, many are struggling to juggle work and childcare, they're probably only showing you the nice bits. If I'm playing devil's advocate, we all do this on social media... My friends have admitted they're jealous I have time to binge on box sets, get things done around the house, etc.

I just coo at the pics and go on with my day. But I'm not living alone so I am sorry you're struggling, I do agree single people are often forgotten about

Has the op said she is consumed with longing for a family of my own. If she did, I missed it.

She is a young woman with plenty of life ahead of her!

Nobody has to read the banal stuff people put on social media. Most of it is dross.

Plenty of single people are enjoying being on their own. I think it's magical! It won't last forever so let's make the most of it.

Ah OP they’re just posting the good stuff. There’ll be shit stuff too! I know it’s easy to say and hard to do, but try not to compare your life with others, that route is never a good one to go down down. Hopefully not too much longer now to get through this crap and things will start to get better.

"My friends have admitted they're jealous I have time to binge on box sets, get things done around the house, etc."

How can you really be jealous of someone 'getting things done around the house'?
Many single people have time to do things around the house, but no motivation. What's the point if you won't be entertaining for a very long time?
The people I know married with children are the ones enjoying lockdown the most especially when schools and nurseries were/are open.
Both my brother and a friend of mine said they were happy not to have to go out for their birthdays or their partner's birthdays. If you prefer to stay in even on your birthday, then your life at home must be pretty good!

People living their lives as best they can under difficult circumstances is not something they're doing AT you. The only way to perceive them sharing their bits of news with you as insensitive is if you think they should also see you as the centre of the universe.

I can't walk very far these days - combination of years of hypermobility and autoimmune fatigue. Do I think people telling me about hiking trips are being insensitive? No. Because life goes on with or without me.

I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

We're all 'over it' aren't we? YABU. I'm not single but my partner lives an hour away and I haven't seen him since before Christmas. My DD is stuck at home with me when she'd rather be enjoying her first year at university.

Please don't be jealous of your friends because they've got children to 'entertain'. Surely by your age you've realised that what's posted on social media is not the full story? Isn't it nearly always the edited highlights? Perhaps just be thankful that you can watch from afar (or choose to not watch at all) and don't have to get involved with the dramas that are kept behind closed doors.

nobody has it easy, the grass is always greener.

If you've told your friends you're lonely then YANBU.

If you've not then YABU.

However I don't send cutesy kid pics on group chats with my single friends unless they ask "how's the family" or similar. Otherwise we talk about what else is of MUTUAL interest. I'll ask what she's been up to etc.

It's called Empathy and everyone could probably practise it a bit more

"Plenty of single people are enjoying being on their own. I think it's magical! It won't last forever so let's make the most of it."

Are they? I don't know any single people who are and I know one who was suicidal in the first lockdown. Her GP had to break the law to give her a hug. Remember, to begin with there were no bubbles so single people were totally alone. Even now, not everyone has a bubble.

Not sure it's insensitive but it's boring as feck. Other people's kids are not as endlessly fascinating as their parents think.