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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless "auntie" in pandemic

466 replies

katrinbaker · 19/01/2021 11:30

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

OP posts:
MirandaWestsNewBFF · 19/01/2021 15:24

Just thinking about this again, and in no way trying to minimise or invalidate the OP’s feelings, but it is often hard to be honest about your kids on social media. Every time you express frustration or upset or discontent with your life as a mother you get stomped on by people telling you you’re a bad mother, should be grateful, don’t you know some people can’t have kids, why did you have them if you weren’t going to be 100% positive about them all the time....so mothers can feel quite pressured to show that they are being good and loving and creative mums having fun with their kids. They probably don’t want to vent about their frustrations to you because they’re trying to keep the conversation light and as neutral as they can.

They are your friends and will care how you feel, so why don’t you tell them you’re feeling rubbish and would welcome a less kid-focused interaction?

MyFuzzyBoy · 19/01/2021 15:28

We all have our own issues to deal with right now. Imagine putting a post on the internet about the annoyance of updates of other people’s children. There a way more things to get worked up over.

ProudAuntie76 · 19/01/2021 15:29

@Floralnomad

YABU , and if you are a single adult why haven’t you formed a bubble with one of these families
Maybe because they’ve bubbled with their own biological families?! Most families I know bubbled with their parents/kids grandparents. A few bubbled with siblings. A couple of single parents bubbled with each other.

The vast majority of truly single people that I know either bubbled with another single person or, sadly, found that there wasn’t room for them in anyone else’s bubble.

HowManyToes · 19/01/2021 15:32

Oh good, another game of the misery olympics 🙄

Suzeyshoes · 19/01/2021 15:34

I have kids but can’t stand the over sharing of pictures of family bliss. It’s so show-offy.

I’m sure they’re don’t mean to offend. Why don’t you send them some pics of what you’re doing? Like ‘here’s me doing the washing up alone?’ Maybe they’ll pick up that they’re annoying you?

If it makes you feel any better, life in lockdown with kids is a frickin nightmare!

SleepingStandingUp · 19/01/2021 15:39

@Floralnomad

YABU , and if you are a single adult why haven’t you formed a bubble with one of these families
Because there are more single people than families?

My friend is single. Parents dead. No kids. No partner. Only child so no siblings or nieces/nephew's. All, and I do mean all, of her friends are either families / couples who are bucking with their single parent / single child or the opposite. She has friends all around the country but none that can make her their priority. I don't think any group has it "harder" than anyone else but the bubble rules and Christmas shortening affect her significantly in a way they wouldn't if she wasn't single

AndcalloffChristmas · 19/01/2021 16:04

I can understand you being bored of it!

However their life is unlikely to be at all enviable. Locking down/ isolating is with kids is hell on Earth, as you can’t just shut down and watch the telly/ hibernate until I’d over. You have to be a source of fun and joy to others even when you’ve feeling completely empty.

I imagine they are just trying to make themselves feel better!

However, yes of course they should ask about you too, and listen to what you have to say!

AndcalloffChristmas · 19/01/2021 16:07

Bubbling makes me feel like being picked first/ last in PE. Awful and not a proper solution to people’s problems.

I’m a single mum and nominally bubbles with

gg12346 · 19/01/2021 16:07

Trust me they are doing all this to keep motivations of children high .Its not easier for them as well .
Why are you not allowed to post .Have they said so ?.
As a single mother with a single child to look after 24 by 7 , no schools , no socializing and no friends it super hard and super depressive .

AndcalloffChristmas · 19/01/2021 16:08

Sorry - with my parents, but they aren’t nearby and I can’t really see them when rates are high due to risk.

I don’t like to ask local friends as they have their own families to worry about!

AcornAutumn · 19/01/2021 16:14

@AndcalloffChristmas

Sorry - with my parents, but they aren’t nearby and I can’t really see them when rates are high due to risk.

I don’t like to ask local friends as they have their own families to worry about!

If I knew people who were local, I would ask

I used to have three friends in walking distance but they all left London in 2019. That was weird enough, them all going, but now it seems much worse.

LizFlowers · 19/01/2021 16:15

@HowManyToes

Oh good, another game of the misery olympics 🙄
Oh don't say that :-). We're not all in competition. I'm not! I like where I am right now.

There really is no need to post rubbish on social media and even less need to read and look at it!

I looked on facebook earlier and my son had posted a picture of his 'home made tapas' Hmm, containing fish fingers. How banal can you get ( I will disinherit him tomorrow)?

It's probably because people have more time on their hands at the moment - some people, not all!

AliceAbsolum · 19/01/2021 16:22

Yanbu. Must be hard to be alone. I'd hate to do this without my DH.

myhobby · 19/01/2021 16:23

They've got very little else to share at the moment and it's important to keep in touch , now more than ever.

81Byerley · 19/01/2021 16:24

Everyone is having life changed and restricted by Covid. My husband and his first wife were childless. Our life is restricted because of ill health. The end years of our life are not what we expected. My husband and I sit, day after day, in our home. he's not fit enough to go out for exercise. I don't go out because I worry about leaving him. His ex wife sits alone in her flat, unable to get together with the other people in her community. She probably thinks it's alright for me, because I have children to support me. I do, but I can't see them.
Your friends have children and the stress and worry that brings, and you, @katrinbaker are alone. You look into each other's lives through a monitor. You only see what the other people want you to see. In the same way that you might tidy your coffee table before posting a picture of your flowers, they choose their moment to take a photo. That isn't when their children are screaming, or tipping out all their toys for the 10th time that day, or hitting each other, or scribbling on the walls or putting the last toilet roll down the loo. They aren't being insensitive, because they don't think that they have things better than you. If you post photos of your home which maybe stays tidy after you've cleared up after yourself, or you talk about a TV programme you were able to watch without being disturbed, or you post a selfie one morning, after a night when you were able to sleep without a child waking up crying for your attention, or climbing into your bed, they might very well think that you're being a bit smug and insensitive about your "easy" life without children or an annoying husband. We all need to cut each other a bit of slack at a very difficult time in all of our lives.

thebestnamehere · 19/01/2021 16:31

you need to step away from social media

unmarkedbythat · 19/01/2021 16:34

I think, reading this thread through again, that the issue is that everyone having a hard time feels that this is not being acknowledged. So single people without children feel the isolation and loneliness they are experiencing is not being recognised, parents trying to juggle parenting/ home ed/ work feel the stress and exhaustion they are going through is being overlooked. People working in their jobs as normal feel the increased risks they face are ignored. People furloughed/ unemployed/ self employed and without sufficient support feel their decreased income isn't regarded as a big enough problem. Etc, etc...

It's shit for most of us, in different ways. I'm really sorry for anyone suffering right now. I really wish you weren't. I wish I wasn't. We are all so tired and fed up and it's crap.

TreacleTarte · 19/01/2021 16:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Jennifer2r · 19/01/2021 16:39

Previous poster asked what I would have people do when I say I'm lonely or sad or struggling. Here's some helpful things people could say :

"that sounds hard"
"that must be difficult"
"let me know if I can help at all"

Things that are unhelpful (examples of all of these in this thread and irl) :

"at least you don't have a partner like mine/you want to try being with 3 kids all day"
"have a glass of wine and put whatever you want on the telly"
"have a bath"
"try yoga"
"don't you have a bubble?"

Its the same as if you told me you're at the end of your tether with 3 kids home schooling and trying to work and I said

"have you tried rearranging your hours?"
"can your partner not help?"
"at least you're not alone like me"

I wouldn't! I'd say, that sounds hard, I'm sorry to hear that.

soughsigh · 19/01/2021 16:39

Everyone feels like it's impacted them the most. I would say childless people who can WFH definitely have it the easiest 😂. My husband works out of the home, being on your own with a toddler is immensely lonely and I can't even facetime people and have a chat.

It's been a rubbish year for everyone, comparison is the thief of joy (what little can be found right now).

BleedinGums1 · 19/01/2021 16:40

I am sorry you feel upset. I have two children and feel lonely too. They are old enough to do their schoolwork alone and spend the rest of their day on their phone talking to their friends and being social with them. I just feel like a slave to them sometimes.

Jennifer2r · 19/01/2021 16:40

In reply to @ohcaptain

Cloudmonkey · 19/01/2021 16:44

@MessAllOver

I know this is insensitive and I apologise but...

I want to swap lives with you, please...just for a little bit.

Unbelievably insensitive
TantieTowie · 19/01/2021 16:49

Very well put, @81Byerley

Gwenhwyfar · 19/01/2021 16:50

" I would say childless people who can WFH definitely have it the easiest 😂. "

Get lost. (that's the edited version)
Your husband works outside the home? You mean just during the day. He's there in the evening or the weekend isn't he? Or did you mean that he works away?
You're not completely alone most of the time like OP.
If we take economics and domestic violence out of it, people who live alone are having a harder time than cohabiting couples/families.