Childless "auntie" in pandemic

[katrinbaker]

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

@Tumblebugsjump

It’s all they have right now, get over yourself

Nice. Are you proud of that gem?

I'd have loved the amount of free time this year... But I have a two year old, so it's mainly just stressful! I'm jealous of you to be honest!

Are there any other hobbies you could do? Gardening, baking, jigsaws? (Sorry if they sound boring compared to going out though!)

And do you have a bubble? If you're living alone you could bubble with someone - you could still go to theirs for drinks etc and some company

Same storm / different boat.
^This

Everybody is coping or not coping differently for different reasons, so let them rant.
All we have to do is listen (read) and ‘try’ to empathise.
Mental Health is a thing.

@Tazers

No one thought they'd be bringing up their children in these dreadful circumstances

When I had my children I accepted that circumstances wouldn't always be the same as the day we decided to start trying for children.

If you choose to have children then you accept that life may change over the many years that you are responsible for those children.

If you choose to bring another life into this world, then you are responsible for that child.

I don't think anyone has said they're relinquishing their children because of this.

Cannot stand people telling others they cannot ever have a moan because they choose to have their kids...it's so tedious and comes across as so misogynistic as its usually aimed at mothers

OP, I can understand how you feel.

I’m 43, no kids (not through choice, just circumstances). I’ve been with my DP for a few years but we don’t live together, so I live alone.

I’m fortunate that I was able to form a support bubble with him, so I can go see him at weekends and get out of the house and have some company.

But I totally get how lonely it can feel being on your own. Being stuck in the same 4 walls during this pandemic and having nobody to have actual face to face contact with. Just having a simple hug. So I can understand that when people are sending you pictures of their kids and then from the sounds of it, not really asking much about you, that can feel even more lonely. They may not mean to make you feel that way, but it clearly does make you feel upset.

Ignore some of the rude and dickish responses on this thread. Many people have made valid points on both sides, for you to consider and done so in a polite and understanding way. Focus on those.

It’s tough at the moment for everyone and nobody has anything positive like a holiday, meals out etc that they can really focus on, because we don’t know when we’ll even be able to do these things. So maybe try and see if there are any small positives that you can focus on, that can just help you get through each day/week?

Hi OP, it’s funny this came up on the thread today. I had the same thought as my single friend in her 30’s texted. I was juggling a work call, a crying 3 year old and a vomiting Labrador and It was the first time I realised how hard it must be for her. She is super socialable. And sadly lost her job in Oct. so is a loose end. I am not sure where you are in the country but I suggested she volunteer to get out the house, make friends and help the cause. When I was single/childless I too got fed up with having to coo! I lost the will after the first 400 pictures. See if you can volunteer hours at local food bank or do someone’s shopping. Then you have some interesting pictures to share too. And maybe you won’t feel like your life is pause. I get you. I really do.

But I bet you didn't care when you were uploading all the annoying pics of your lovely single life when they were tied down with kids?! Each person makes their own life choices... You chose not to do what your friends are doing and would rather have the party single life.

I don't send pics of the kids to child free friends unless they ask, in case it bores them (or upsets them, if I know they've struggled to conceive / wanted to meet the right person etc)

Can't you join in the conversation? And yes, I'd def send my relaxing pictures (if you are relaxing sometimes). I'm so envious when my child free mate sends her pics of her lovely chilled out home.

It's the baby, cat and dog pics I'm not too interested to see tbh! It's nice to chat about other stuff.

This is absolutely genius!

Cannot stand people telling others they cannot ever have a moan because they choose to have their kids...it's so tedious and comes across as so misogynistic as its usually aimed at mothers

Some of the mothers on this thread brought it on themselves with their responses to to the OP. Particularly the mother I was responding to.

I can't stand the attitude of some of the posters on this thread, assuming that everyone should bow down to them just because they are mothers.

I'm a mother myself and some posters, also mothers, have empathised with the OP but the thread does seem to have brought out the mumsnet type of mothers who think being a mother gives them some kind of special status in life.

You chose not to do what your friends are doing and would rather have the party single life.

How do you know this?

You chose not to do what your friends are doing and would rather have the party single life.

What a spectacularly mean spirited and ignorant comment. I really am...speechless

@Lucyk1

But I bet you didn't care when you were uploading all the annoying pics of your lovely single life when they were tied down with kids?! Each person makes their own life choices... You chose not to do what your friends are doing and would rather have the party single life.

Or she might not be childless through choice? Not everyone finds the right person at the right time; is able to conceive etc.

@PurpleDaisies

I don’t see how it’s a misery basically having an extended holiday and doing all your hobbies all the time.

Have you deliberately ignored all the posters telling you how horrible it is being alone all the time? You might love it. That doesn’t mean everyone will.

Yes that, and also true loneliness where you are completely isolated for a prolonged period of time is just not a natural state for human beings to live in.

We're supposed to be close to other people for our safety, well-being, survival etc. Little things like hugs, being able to speak to someone when anxious etc. are so important.

@Dailyhandtowelwash

I lived alone for a decade, and because of the nature of my work, would frequently have weeks on end in which I wasn't working. I'm quite a solitary person, without any close family, and would go for long stretches without seeing people. I WAS that person talking too long at the check out (as most of us are nowadays). I WAS that person waking up in the morning and wondering what the point of it all was. I didn't have useful hobbies particularly, or exercise. I didn't talk much on the phone. I was low level depressed a lot of the time.

Now I'm married with a clutch of kids, one with fairly substantial SEN. Last year I was in an essential job which had me on constant calls from 8-7 or more every day, including some weekends, ditto DH. My kids went feral. Homeschooling was a farce. My SEN child is now totally adrift from mainstream schooling. I was in tears a lot of the time. I could have taken the odd fun photo for the grandparents but it would have been a massive lie.

@katrinbaker I really feel for you, as I do for many posters on this thread. Lockdown is hurting us all. It's easy to look at people on the other side of the situation and think it must be better for them. I do know that even at the worst of times recently I have been so very relieved that I'm not going through this alone. I'm sure your friends would understand if you told them you are finding the photos too much. They may be worried about telling you that they're struggling for fear of it sounding like the misery Olympics, but I'm sure you wouldn't mind mutual exchanges of woe if it meant more honesty from them. I don't know anyone who isn't struggling with some aspect of lockdown.

This a great reply Dailyhandtowelwash.

I understand that seeing pictures that seem at odds with the stress YOU are personally facing seem insensitive. I get pictures of my various single friends beautiful photographs, craft creations and paintings also book reccomendations updates on their new language skills. I have no time no chance to do those things and no time to myself at all. It's overwhelming some days to offer a response. But they are alone, so I feel obliged to respond, admire and delight over their efforts and update them on my day, except it's not MY day anymore all my time is other people's time. There's a lot of stress for everyone, only extreme ends seem available.

I’ve muted all of my bro’s social media feeds for this very reason.. he’s in New Zealand. Every. single. post. is about how great it is over there and how crap the UK is, tee hee. The worst was a post showing 30 people having a barbie on the beach at Christmas, knowing full well that we are in lockdown and that I’m really struggling as I live alone. Yes I know it’s not all about me, he can post what he likes but I don’t have to look at it.

@Lucyk1

But I bet you didn't care when you were uploading all the annoying pics of your lovely single life when they were tied down with kids?! Each person makes their own life choices... You chose not to do what your friends are doing and would rather have the party single life.

Dick comment.

I think the problem here is that OP feels isolated and like her friends are being insensitive - it's hard being alone and her friends are (inadvertently) showing off things that she wishes she had. Also they outnumber her.

She probably wouldn't dream of saying to them "I've got a free weekend with nothing to do, I think I'll read a book and have a nap and do a pedicure and drink wine and watch tv" because she knows that would sound braggy. The problem is her friends don't understand that they are, basically, bragging about their families.

It's just an unfortunate misunderstanding / clash of worlds. Home schooling is incredibly hard so there is no point arguing about what is more difficult, but I think OP is saying all the sympathy goes to parents and none to her for what she has lost. (Also a year with probably very little dating and therefore not meeting someone, starting her own family etc.)

Some more practical ideas - could you find tv shows you have in common and talk about them instead? When a photo comes through could you start a chat along the lines of "remember when we were kids and XYZ happened?" so you're not dismissing the picture but also you don't just talk about the kids?
Rather than just replying to threads, could you start one by saying you've begun the couch to 5k or you're enjoying a book and wonder if they've heard of it? Tell a funny story from work? If you add more of your own life into things it may not seem as one sided. Oh and think about a break from social media and / or "muting" people for a while if it's too much.

I imagine your friends would be mortified if they knew you felt like this, but they are too tired and busy to realise. One more thing - you're unlikely to get a 100% sympathetic response to this on mumsnet....!! ;)

Have a moan. Why not? Important not to just be a facade. Then tell your friends that as you have found it tough, as you are sure they do sometimes too, you are launching a competition. Put friends on a WhatsApp group and every day everyone has to post the best most desirable (or so it appears) shot of their day and the worst most desultory thing about their situation. They must do both so they can see all sides as can you. Then u have a vote on who wins best and worst. So maybe the 20 loads of washing and ironing for a family in addition to working from home as against a freshly bathed babe having a story. Yours, maybe a fab book, peace or just jumping around to music as against meals for one.

I think it depends on how you look at it, I'm in my 40's, live alone, childless, single and I am relieved I'm not living with young kids like my friends who are pulling their hair out. Sounds like you're down maybe so things are bugging you more than usual (understandably). I'm sure your friends aren't meaning to be insensitive, they probably think you have it easy (grass is greener and all that).

I live alone. I don't think it is insensitive. I ask about family (humans and animals) at every sensible opportunity. It's not easy for anyone.

Mute the annoying whatasapp groups.
Reduce your time on social media.
You are not obliged to respond.

Bar the dating, I miss all the activities you listed OP, pretty sure your friends do too. Parenting during a pandemic is really hard, tantrums and emotional outbursts are a whole new level IMO. I don't think the pandemic impacts singles disproportionately, I think everyone has crap to deal with and we just need to muddle through as best we can, whether you're single or not, have kids or not

If they were living abroad in a sunshine destination with no restrictions and rubbing it in your face then I’d say they were insensitive.
But trust me, they are not having a better time than you. They are just trying to pick out the best bits to make themselves feel better and prove to themselves that life isn’t only about mess, moaning kids and shouting about maths homework!
I do get that you are perhaps lonely but there are other states of being right now that are also quite unpleasant.