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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless "auntie" in pandemic

466 replies

katrinbaker · 19/01/2021 11:30

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

OP posts:
Tigertigertigertiger · 20/01/2021 12:45

I'm not childless and I agree with you OP .

I loathe people posting loads of kid photos.

Dugee · 20/01/2021 14:16

When the alternative is going out and having fun with friends, then I can see how loneliness is damaging. But when the alternative is being stuck with kids and bored sick because you can’t even so much as watch the telly to pass the time, then it’s obvious that those who are alone have the better situation. Being alone is way better than being with kids, because with kids you’re still lonely but you can’t even entertain yourself.

It's not a competition. OP posted for support and has just received a load of abuse from arrogant and self entitled mothers who think their life is harder than anyone else's, solely because they are mothers.

It sounds like you've made some decisions that you now regret, but part of being an adult is taking accountability for those decisions. You chose to have those children, they are therefore your responsibility.

Marzipan12 · 20/01/2021 14:21

OP hasn't been back. I doubt very much that this post was about support.

Bibidy · 20/01/2021 14:23

I don't think it's insensitive as they are just sharing their lives. It's like them thinking you're insensitive for sharing a pic of you watching a film with a glass of wine in the evening - it's not that it's insensitive, it's just different.

It's OK to envy different things. My friend has recently had a baby and I envy her having that purpose to get her up in the morning at this shit time. But equally, I'm sure she'd love to have the sleep and spare time that I have after work!

Original poster
katrinbaker · 20/01/2021 14:29

Hello! I am back. Thank you for the thoughtful responses. Taking a look now.

I agree with points that've been raised and looking through the thread now; the overwhelming message appears to be that no one has it easier. Point taken. I was having a moan but we all appear to be at breaking point currently.

OP posts:
Marzipan12 · 20/01/2021 14:33

Amazing how the OP miraculously appears just minutes after I pointed out she hasn't been back 😂😉

SincerelyBygones · 20/01/2021 14:34

I'd be sending you photos of my dc if you were one of my friends. My kids are quite simply my life, and so that is what I have to share. But equally I'd love photos or any kind of contact back from you. We're all just offering what we have right now.

stayathomer · 20/01/2021 14:42

Massive hugs op, I'm married with 4 kids and I recently sent my home alone friend a present thinking she needed cheering up. She rang saying she was finding it terrible but also adoring working from home, gardening, reading etc but she said she felt for me as I haven't seen my family since last may (she's in the same area as hers) and also she was saying about me never getting time to myself. We're both getting on shit and okay/good too. I think that's a lot of people FlowersCakeBrewWine

LizFlowers · 20/01/2021 14:45

Glad you have found the thread helpful, op. Everyone needs to moan sometimes and at least on here it's anonymous. I'd lay off the social media for a while though, it's all so ridiculous.

Original poster
katrinbaker · 20/01/2021 14:53

@Marzipan12 what do you mean by that?

I was reading through the replies. I first posted 24 hours ago. I am not on furlough and have a busy job.

OP posts:
Marzipan12 · 20/01/2021 14:59

Yeah ok I wouldnt be starring an aibu if I was going to abandon it for over 24 hours.

Tazers · 20/01/2021 15:08

Being alone is way better than being with kids, because with kids you’re still lonely but you can’t even entertain yourself.

They are your kids, you chose to have them. No one forced you to have kids.

I feel sorry for your kids.

MessAllOver · 20/01/2021 15:11

OP, do you want kids or do you want your fun single adult life back? It's unclear from your posts.

Bettydot · 20/01/2021 15:24

@katrinbaker I’m glad you’ve found the responses helpful, as you say you’re definitely not alone in finding it tough. I hope it’s helped a little to see that everyone regardless of circumstances are finding it hard. It’s such a tough time and although I posted yesterday regarding how being a parent is also extremely tough I don’t envy your circumstances either and can only imagine how difficult it must be to having dating etc on hold. I hope for all of us that things get easier soon. Hang on in there.

Serrina · 20/01/2021 17:28

Do you have a support bubble?

formerbabe · 20/01/2021 17:35

@Tazers

Being alone is way better than being with kids, because with kids you’re still lonely but you can’t even entertain yourself.

They are your kids, you chose to have them. No one forced you to have kids.

I feel sorry for your kids.

No one thought they'd be bringing up their children in these dreadful circumstances
browneyes77 · 20/01/2021 17:43

@2bazookas

Yes, I'm afraid you are rather insensitive to the stress parents and young families are under just now. Brace up, you can do better.
What a dick response.

Shame you can’t ‘do better’ Hmm

Scottishskifun · 20/01/2021 17:44

I think the phrase regarding the same storm but different boats is entirely accurate.

I have had single friends tell me that the pandemic is OK for me as I have my toddler and husband. Reality is that although I don't know the extent of their loneliness they don't know my realities of having a toddler and zero support or a play date (god I miss softplays and a coffee!)

Everyone is struggling with something I think it's best to try and focus on the things you can control and do.

Tazers · 20/01/2021 17:48

No one thought they'd be bringing up their children in these dreadful circumstances

When I had my children I accepted that circumstances wouldn't always be the same as the day we decided to start trying for children.

If you choose to have children then you accept that life may change over the many years that you are responsible for those children.

If you choose to bring another life into this world, then you are responsible for that child.

LetMeBubble · 20/01/2021 17:49

On second thought m,

I don’t think it’s insensitive for OP to bring this up on a parenting forum because I think parents on here get a lot of validation from each other constantly. As we tend to assimilate together when we have kids Abd have the same issues. Which even the PM is talking about.

But the OP, on her own, has no one to validate how she feels and so her being slightly dismissive of the issues parents face doesn’t have the same impact on a parent reading as the other way round. When she might have this place as the only place for support...

So my apologies OP. Thank you for this thread as it made me pay attention to how I come across to my brother who lives alone and battling mental health..

I hadn’t realised that he has it that hard. He isn’t great at talking but has been withdrawing from all family talk .

TrixieMixie · 20/01/2021 17:50

I feel your pain. I don't have kids either and there is no hope of that changing now - at least you have the chance in future as you are still young enough. It's not that they are insensitive - it's just that you are so hurt and fearful about your situation. People saying 'oh those of us with kids have problems too' is true, but doesn't help you. I think Covid has sought out whatever flaws are in all our lives and magnified them. So if the flaw was being hard up, it made that worse. Kids under your feet, ditto. No kids and want them - made that worse too. In my case, the pandemic has made me reflect on my grief and loss at not being a mother. However, you probably will be a mum one day. And even if you are not, you can still have a very rich and worthwhile life, as most of the time I do. (of course, like everyone else, with our without kids, I have my moments, or days, or weeks...) You can choose whether childlessness - temporary or permanent - defines and ruins your entire life, or whether it is one gap - albeit a big one - in an otherwise fulfilled and happy existence. Most of the time, for me, it is the latter, thanks to my wonderful husband, family, friends and colleagues. Once I realised I wouldn't be having kids I made a decision to do lots of other things and have travelled, run marathons, bought a country home and risen the career ladder. It's not better or worse, just different and still good. I wish you all the very best and send you love.

Theoldwrinkley · 20/01/2021 17:58

I think this is always going to be a question of ‘grass being greener’, in that those alone and isolated would love a bit of company and something to do, whereas those with busy lives and children and working would relish a bit of peace and quiet.
I empathise with OP. Just me and recently retired hubby at home. Retired in June. So many things we’d planned. My son’s both fortunate to have their own little houses, but both alone, working from home, little contact with anyone else (and both have a tendency to being rather low even in ‘good’ times) so their mental health suffering hugely.

Lisathegreeter · 20/01/2021 17:58

The grass can seem greener if you let it!

Tumblebugsjump · 20/01/2021 18:03

It’s all they have right now, get over yourself

SultanOfPing · 20/01/2021 18:06

Pepsicolagirl, you are a genius! Sitting in car with a coffee and telling family that you're shopping instead of just picking up a click & collect order is, quite frankly, brilliant. DH is working (after spending a large chunk of last year without any work at all, so at least that's something) and I'm on my own from 8:30 til 7pm with two young kids with ASDs. My weekly evening shopping trip is the only break I get. I know I'm not the worst off by a long chalk, but I really hate the scanning/date checking/meal planning according to dates of veg rigmarole that shopping has become. I might have to keep that in mind, thank you for the tip! OP, if your friends are anything like me, they're trying desperately to put a positive spin on this whole shitshow. Sending photos takes less time than a conversation, and at least it shows they're thinking of you? (this has taken me almost 20mins to write, my two are quiet thanks to the administration of cake...made earlier today, with a pic sent to my mum, sister and SiL).